Monthly Archives: May 2014

The Boy Next a Door


When I was growing up, there was a family across the street. They were good people, but I never knew them too well. The son was a different story, I wanted to know him more. I never knew him well and he was five years younger, and he did make my gaydar go off. We just didn’t associate much, even though we literally lived across the road from one another. Though my parents still own our old house, they don’t live their anymore, just spend nights there occasionally to check on things.

Over the weekend, I set up a profile on Grindr. The responses have been pretty good. One of the messages was from a guy who was within 6 miles. Now when you live in the country like I do, that’s pretty damn close. We were chatting a little and I asked where he was, since it was so close. Then he named the road that I grew up on. I looked back at his profile and replied, “OMG, you grew up across the road from me.” His response was basically, “Huh, what are you talking about?” Then I said his full name and told him mine. Then it dawned on him, we really did grow up with our houses basically facing each other.

We began to talk about family and what we were doing now. Then he said he’d always found me attractive and even said that I was “Sexy, very sexy.” I told him I always thought he was very cute too. He was five years younger than me, which was a huge difference growing up, but I’m glad we’ve connected now and maybe will become friends.

I’ve chatted with a few more guys on Grindr, some not worth more than a few words, but others, I’m hoping my turn into more. One in particular will at least be a good friend to hang out with. Another, I think could be more; we connected on a deeper level. Both are very easy to talk to. One is a few years older than I am, and one a few years younger. I met the older one for drinks and we talked for hours. The younger one and I have talked quite a bit on the phone and through texting. We will get together Tuesday. I’m very excited. I am trying to be bolder and take more steps to help myself be happier.

To Boldly Go…


Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6

At the beginning of the year, I did something that I rarely event do, which is make New Years resolutions, they are so easy to break and hard to keep up with and continue. I have made some excuses and many things have happened in the first four months of this year that seemed to get me down and not follow through on my resolutions. Hopefully, this will change and I can get back on track for the remainder of the year. If you do not remember my resolutions, here they are:

First of all, I am going to be more positive and optimistic. I try to do this anyway, at least for those around me, but it resolve to do this for me as well. I will eat healthier and exercise more so that I build up my endorphin levels and feel better (this one might be a hard one, but it will try). My second resolution is to be more proactive in making myself happier. Which means, I am going to live each day to the fullest, and not shy away from opportunities. It also means that I am going to be more outgoing and build my self esteem. My second resolution means that I am going to work on personal growth, and this may be the most difficult of them all. My last resolution is that I am going to read more. This is my easiest resolution.

As I said, the last one was the easiest. I have been reading more and once I got back to making he time to read, I have rediscovered the immense joy it brings me, which brings me to the first resolution. It has been difficult at times to be positive and optimistic these first four months of 2014. My aunt’s death, HRH’s health, other health concerns, my own and others, and the frustration with students, have all a made positive thoughts and optimism difficult. However, I have some truly wonderful friends whom I love and love me that have continued to bring positive thoughts to my mind and helped me to be more optimistic.

The second resolution was to be more proactive with my own happiness. For me, I think that means being bolder and going after what I want. Have I been successful with this? Not as much as I would hope, and that I have allowed myself to blame on the setbacks with my first resolution. But I am taking some bolder steps, especially in the last week or so, and I do feel more confident and alive.

Boldness is our willingness to venture out and do the right thing at the right time, regardless of the barriers or fears we may encounter. This enables us to speak the truth, and perform a task without fear of the consequences or results, because, it is the right thing to do. It is realizing that God is in control. He is there within, and beside us, and He will take care of us. Therefore, we do not need to fear what others can do; rather, we are to concentrate on our character and call, and do it with passion and conviction.

Cowardice, fearfulness, cynicism, negativity, discouragement, and pessimism are all opposites. These negative traits create a negative attitude that is infectious to others. It causes people not to take the chance to go forward with what God is leading them to do. Thus, the person remains ensnared in fear, allowing obstacles to stop him so that the work our Lord has for us remains undone.

God is calling us to be bold. If you have the tendency to not take chances in life because we are afraid of making mistakes, God wants us to know He’s pleased with us when we try. It doesn’t matter if you don’t do everything exactly right. What matters is that we step out in faith, believing God will help us!

Second Timothy 1:7 says “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”—and He wants us to use it! It doesn’t take courage to do what we already know we can do. True courage is displayed when we are afraid to do something but we go ahead and do it anyway. The truth is, we don’t ever have to fear because we can ask God for His help anytime we need it.

There are so many people who are so afraid of making a mistake that they don’t do anything. Instead, they sit around saying, “What if I’m wrong?” Well, we’re human. We’re going to make mistakes and look silly from time to time. We can be so afraid of being judged or criticized or getting laughed at. But the only thing fear does in our lives is stop our progress.

What matters to God is relationship…not performance. God knows we aren’t perfect, and He’s totally okay with it. Romans 3:23 says “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” The problem is, the devil knows it too, and he does his best to tell us every step of the way! We can be going along, serving God, doing good, stepping out in faith and then all of a sudden, without there being any justification for it, we’ll have a day or week when we have an attack on our mind about fear. That’s when we need to say what God’s Word tells us:

For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete. — 2 Corinthians 10:4-6

We can care too much about what people think of us to the point where it totally immobilizes us and we are petrified about looking wrong. But do you know what? I think if we are more truthful, we will actually get more respect than we do by trying to hide everything, pretending we’re perfect.

We need to stop living in fear of making mistakes, because we will make mistakes—period. God is not asking us to not make any mistakes. He’s calling us to be bold—fearless in approaching Him, in stepping out in faith, and in trusting Him to lead us. I for one plan to be bolder. Not only in my faith, but also in my personal life. This does not mean that I will come out of the closet. No, I need my job, and though people have suspicions and gossip about my sexuality, they do not need confirmation, because then they can use it as a weapon. However, I can be bolder and not have to fear all the complications that may arise. I just have to be smart about my boldness and pick the battles I want to fight. Nothing helps more than turning to God and receiving encouragement from friends who love and respect you and just as God does, wants to see you happy.

As an addendum, actually an aside, today is Mother’s Day. I never let a Mother’s Day go by without this post, so I’m adding it to today’s:

I hope that we all think of our mothers today. I love my mama, but like all mothers, she drives me crazy sometimes. She has been in a long, five year period of depression since she found out I was gay, but that was relieved somewhat by the birth of my niece, so she now has the grand-baby she always wanted. She is still convinced I am going to hell, but she doesn’t say it as much anymore. As long as it is a “don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t discuss” situation, we get along great. In fact, on Memorial Day, we will be going on a cruise together, just she and I for four days. It was a cruise she was supposed to go on with her sister, but when her sister died she decided she wanted me to go with her. Also, my sister is pregnant and can’t go, and my daddy said he’d never go on another cruise. So it will just be us, a mother/son vacation.

So even if your mother drives you crazy, I hope that you still have a good relationship with her and tell her how much you love her today.

I love you, Mama.

Moment of Zen: Getting Naked




I have had the house to myself this whole week and have quite enjoyed stripping out of my work clothes as soon as I get home and remaining naked unless I have a need to go outside. It’s been quite liberating to just be naked and free around the house. I can cook, clean, sleep all naked and not have to worry about covering up and feeling the restrictions of clothes.

National Masturbation Month


In case you were wondering, May is National Masturbation Month. The celebration of May as National Masturbation Month began in 1995 in San Francisco as a response to the forced resignation of then U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.

After a speech at the United Nations World AIDS Day in 1994, an audience member asked Elders about masturbation’s potential for discouraging early sexual activity. She answered,”I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”

That was the end of Elders’ career as America’s first black Surgeon General, but the spark for National Masturbation Month. Offended by Elders’ ouster, the ever progressive, pro-sex staff of San Francisco’s sex toy and education company Good Vibrations decided to find a way to keep the focus on Elders’ unjust firing, and to bring talk about masturbation into the mainstream in just the way Elders had envisioned.

Realizing that large number of folks lacked support and advice to help them enjoy the simple, basic act of masturbation, Good Vibrations sought to provide support, advice, and reassurance for people looking to open their own personal sexual horizons.

And so was born National Masturbation Month. Among the first steps Good Vibrations took was to promote masturbation as healthy, safe and natural way to express one’s sexuality, thereby removing much of the shame and stigma have so long colored the act masturbation.

So, is it true, as so many believe that masturbation is so commonplace, natural, pleasurable and healthy that “ninety-eight percent of us masturbate, and the other two percent are liars?” If so, why do we need an entire month to educate people on something they’re already enjoying?

The answer is twofold: First, to help those already enjoying themselves to delve further. Second, and most importantly, it looks like plenty of people might still benefit from some encouragement and education.

A recent cross sample study of American adults asked the question: “On average, over the past 12 months, how often did you masturbate?” Only 38 percent of women said they’d masturbated at all during the past year, while 61 percent of men had done so.

A 2007 article in Sexual and Relationship Therapy notes that masturbation may help men improve immune system function, build resistance to prostate gland infection, promote overall prostate health. Moreover, Australian researchers have shown that frequent masturbation may lower a man’s risk of developing prostate cancer.

A survey of men found the more frequently a man masturbates between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to get prostate cancer. In fact, those who masturbated more than five times a week were one-third less likely to develop prostate cancer.

These findings were the subject of a 2003 Doonesbury panel by Pulitzer Prize-winning Garry Trudeau. In the panel, one character alludes to masturbation as “self-dating.” Nearly half of the 700 papers which normally syndicate Doonesbury did not to run that strip, proving that public discussion of masturbation is still a thorny issue for some, and perhaps attesting to the need for an observance like National Masturbation Month.

Earlier studies have shown that rates of masturbation are higher for both men and women with higher education, more frequent sexual thoughts, sexual experimentation before puberty, and more lifetime sexual partners. Moreover, masturbation has documented physical benefits for both men and women, to say nothing of likely emotional and psychological benefits.

Transcendental Sexuality


Probably most of you have experienced something like this during or after sex: a feeling of well-being which goes beyond sensual pleasure, and is caused by a change of consciousness. Perhaps earlier you felt stressed and worried, as if your life was full of problems—but often after sex everything seems miraculously different. Your problems seem to have disappeared and you seem to be glowing inwardly, as if a kind of dynamo has been switched on inside you, filling you with a feeling of completeness and serenity. You might feel tired physically or completely exhausted, in terms of muscular energy, but in terms of life-energy you feel fantastically alive. This is a form of transcendental sex.

When I think of transcendence or transcendentalism, I think of the nineteenth century American philosophical movement of Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, and Margaret Fuller. These transcendentalists believed that society and its institutions—particularly organized religion and political parties—ultimately corrupt the purity of the individual. They have faith that people are at their best when truly “self-reliant” and independent. It is only from such real individuals that true community could be formed. Though self-reliance can be a strong motivator, we also sometimes need others to help us transcend to a higher existence.

The adjective transcendent means going beyond the limits of ordinary experience or being far better or greater than what is usual. Transcendence exceeds or surpasses usual limits, that is extending or lying beyond the limits of ordinary experience. It is a state of being beyond comprehension. When there is an intense connection between two people, you can experience sexuality that is beyond a mere sexual coupling. The energy can flow between two people in a way that the connection itself is beyond definition. The result can be an intense love and longing and even need for that person. It brings an understanding on such an intimate level that the experience is truly mind blowing in its intensity. The key to this experience is communication and knowing your lover and being able to heighten their pleasure. I think it is paramount to a transcendental sexual experience that neither partner be selfish lovers. By providing the pleasure to each other, you reach a different plane of sexual existence that must be two sided and all encompassing.

There’s no doubt that the ecstatic feelings that sex can induce are partly connected to chemical changes, such as the release of endorphins. But I believe these transcendent effects are mainly due to the fact that sex has a similar—but often stronger—psychological effect to other ‘spiritual’ activities like meditation or contemplating nature. It empties our minds, and intensifies our inner energy. The sheer pleasure of sex creates a state of intense absorption. Our attention is taken away from the normal ‘thought-chatter’ of our minds, which quickly begins to subside. This is why we may feel that we don’t have any problems—because the worrying thoughts which created the ‘problems’ are no longer there. When we have sex there’s usually silence, stillness and darkness around us, and our attention is effectively closed to everything beyond the desire and pleasure we feel. As a result, we become quiet and still inside, and our psychic energy – which is normally used up in concentration and perception – intensifies, generating a sense of wholeness and well-being.

Like physical exercise and yoga—although again in a more powerful way—sex also appears to generate new energy inside our bodies, or at least of unblock and ease the flow of energy. People who have transcendent sexual experiences often report feeling that they have awakened new energies inside them. This can occur in many different ways, but in my experience it comes with a certain mental connection. It’s that intellectual sexuality that brings about this strong bond.

Religions tend to see sex as something to be slightly ashamed of, a ‘weakness of the flesh’, a part of the lower, instinctive being which we shouldn’t pay much attention to, or should even try to overcome. But perhaps not surprisingly, some esoteric religious groups had a more spiritual view of sex. The Tantric sects of Hinduism and Buddhism (which developed in India in the middle ages) see sex as a symbolic expression of the unity of the universe, and believe that sexual partners can directly experience the bliss which is the nature of the absolute reality of the universe. According to Tantra, the whole of the body is filled with divine energy which becomes aroused during sex, and which we can learn to control. And even within Christianity, the heretical medieval sect, the Brethern of the Free Spirit, had a similar attitude: to them a controlled form of sex was as acceptable as a spiritual practice as prayer or meditation.

So since we know that sex is a gateway to higher states of consciousness, perhaps we should place more emphasis on its spiritual side, rather than thinking of it in purely physical or emotional terms. It’s one of the most sacred activities of our lives, and has a transformational power even greater than meditation and yoga, or any other spiritual practice.



Woke up 10 minutes late! Kitchen was flooded, the freezer seems to be leaking. I mopped it best I could but I will have to deal with that when I get home from school. I missed a spot on my chin shaving, maybe no one will notice. I hate being so rushed. I didn’t even get my cup of coffee.

The day has got to get better.

Need You Now


Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone ’cause I can’t fight it anymore.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

Oh, whoa
Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without.
I just need you now
I just need you now.
Oh, baby, I need you now.

As y’all know from my Friday and Saturday post, I went to a Lady Antebellum concert on Saturday night. It was the best concert I have ever been to. Love and a Theft opened up and sang a few songs, but quite honestly were mostly forgettable. Next on stage was Scotty McCreery who was energetic and a lot of fun to watch. Scotty’s deep voice just makes me want to melt. Finally Lady A came on stage. It was worth the wait.

Lady A was wonderful. They sang a few songs then as they got ready to sing “American Honey” they brought up some young girls on the stage to sing with them, including One precious little girl with Down’s syndrome. They sang the song with the girls and took a few selfies. It was one of the cutest, sweetest things I’ve ever seem. The picture above was tweeted by Hillary Scott after the show. Then amazingly after a few more songs they walked out into the crowd to a little stage about 100 ft. away and sang a few songs. The seats we had were great. They ended the night with the song above as an encore song.

The lyrics to “Need You Now” describe placing a call to someone in the middle of the night due to being lonely and longing for companionship. Hillary Scott commented on the song, saying that “All three of us know what it’s like to get to that point where you feel lonely enough that you make a late night phone call that you very well could regret the next day.” Charles Kelley told The Boot that the band’s record executives initially had concerns regarding using the lyrics “I’m a little drunk“, but convinced the executives to leave the content in the song. It think that line adds a bit of authenticity to it. We’ve probably all had some point when we were awake late at night, unable to sleep, maybe we’ve been drinking a little, and you have that overwhelming need for that special someone.

There were also cutie a few hot guys at the concert, so there was plenty of eye candy. Though I didn’t hook-up or get any phone numbers, I did have a great time and whether I was sexy looking or not, I felt sexy and confident. I need to find more places to wear my boots.

The concert was the perfect end to what was a wonderful day. Lady A puts on a great concert. If you get the chance to see Lady Antebellum’s Downtown Tour, go see it. It’s totally worth it.

Cinco de Mayo


Tequila shots anyone? I try to limit my tequila intake, unless I’m ready to party and am in the right crowd. See, tequila makes me horny and very flirtatious. So whether it’s in a margarita, or someone, somehow has convinced me to take tequila shot, everybody better watch out because I’m on the prowl. Today, is the day for tequila for Americans. It’s Cinco de Mayo, which most Americans thinks means Mexican Independence Day, which it is not. For those of you who do not know, here is an explanation of Cinco de Mayo:

May 5. Mexican holiday commemorating the Mexican victory over the French at Puebla in 1862. The French army, better-equipped and far larger than the Mexican army, had been sent by Napoleon III to conquer Mexico. The Mexicans, under Gen. Ignacio Zaragoza, defeated the French at Puebla, inflicting serious losses. The French withdrew to the coast but returned the next year to take Puebla; they would control most of Mexico for the next four years. Cinco de Mayo celebrations often include music, dancing, and parades.

In America, we tend to used this as an excuse to drink margaritas and take tequila shots.


I think it’s a great day to also celebrate the beauty of Latino men. I’ve always heard that there is nothing like a Latin lover.


God Gave Me You


For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

A few days ago, I was talking to a friend of mine about God’s plan for us. He had suffered an anxiety attack over some issues going on in his life. I told him that I used to regularly have panic attacks as well. The world would race around me, and I felt that I could not breathe. It was in those time that i thought of my greatest comfort, my mother singing “You Are My Sunshine.” I would begin singing the song, and my panic attack would subside. However, that was only a temporary measure, and the problems were not going away. I took a long hard look at myself and realized that I was nothing without my faith in God. Talking to God had gotten me through the fear and confusion of coming to terms with being gay, and many other issues I have faced in my life. And I realized that I needed to turn to God and depend on him more.

As Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” I told my friend that God has a plan for us. Matthew 7:13-14 says, “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.” We must look and pray to God for guidance if we want to enter through the narrow gate.

This discussion eventually turned to a discussion of if part of God’s plan had been for us to meet and become friends. Without hesitation, I said that it was. I am fortunate for all of my friends and I believe that God had a purpose in bringing those loved ones into my life. Sometimes life can be so difficult and stressful, but when we have faith in God, He has a way to relive that pain and stress. I certainly believe that friends are one of the many, and maybe one of the most important, ways he does this.

“God Gave Me You” is a song written and originally recorded by American contemporary Christian music singer Dave Barnes. Barnes wrote the song after the title came to him while he was walking through London, England. He told Country Weekly that “the lyrics just flowed together with the melody” when he wrote it. Barnes also said that he was inspired by his wife, Annie, who supported him “through all the ups and downs of an artist’s career.” After releasing it, he said that he received mail from fans who said that the song’s message “saved marriages or became a theme for a couple’s relationship.” In 2011, country music singer Blake Shelton covered the song for his album Red River Blue. It was released in July 2011 as the second single from this album. Shelton heard Barnes’ version of the song on a contemporary Christian station, and said that it inspired him to propose to then-girlfriend Miranda Lambert; the music video included footage from Lambert the night before their wedding.

Both Barnes and Shelton use the song to show the love and support their wives have given them, but I think the words are so universal for anyone who is important in your life. I have several people in my life that I am lucky that God gave me, and I hope that you too have someone that God gave you to help you through troubled times and in the good as well. God has a plan for each of us, so ask Him for his guidance in following the right path.

“God Gave Me You”

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you
He gave me you

Moment of Zen: Superman




All of my life I’ve had a fascination and love of Superman.