Category Archives: Funny

The Legend of the House of LeMay


From humble beginnings at the Hot Damn Trailer Park in Beaver Pond, Vermont, Amber & Margaurite, the Sisters LeMay, have been entertaining for over ten years with silly songs, witty banter and outrageous costumes.

Over the years, a few extra trailers have moved into the park. Not far from the sisters’ double wide you can find the home of Lucy Belle LeMay, their “pretty” southern cousin. Lucy Belle holds the title of Miss Beaver Pond, and has won Best Drag Queen and Biggest Hair at Provincetown’s Carnival Week Drag Bingo. And not to be outdone, Margaurite has won Most Outrageous Drag Queen.

Down the road a piece from the LeMay’s trailer rests the Edna St. Vincent LeMay Memorial Laundromat, Community Center and Lint Museum. The laundromat is often the center of the goings on in Beaver Pond, and is well worth the visit. You’ve never had cleaner underwear!

Amber hosted Drag Queen Bingo, but Lucy Belle was there as well. Lucy Belle was so kind to her fellow southerner. She gave me a copy of their video, Slingbacks and Syrup, which tells the story of the Sisters LeMay.


Business Email Glossary 


thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press “send”

thanks for your interest: why’d you have to bring this up

would you be so kind: fucking do it

best: i have never physically met you

all best: this conversation is over

all my best: i wish you would die

happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox

i hope this helps: i’ve done all i’m willing to do

i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you’re too lazy to

sorry to chase: answer my email

so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email

i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me

please contact my colleague: this isn’t my problem

i’m copying in my colleague: this isn’t my problem and i am thrilled about it

i’ll check and get back to you: i might forget to

i’ll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to

can you check back with me in a week?: i’m hoping you will forget to

per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone

great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone

thanks!: i’m not mad at you

thanks!!: please don’t be mad at me

thanks!!!: i’m crying at my desk

please advise: this might be your fault

kindly advise: this is entirely your fault

mind if i swing by?: i’m already in the elevator

can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email

sorry if that was unclear: i think you’re an idiot

let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again


Mary Tyler Moore

Mary Tyler Moore passed away yesterday. One thing I will always remember her for is what has gone down in history as the funniest scene in television history: the funeral of Chuckles the Clown.

From the Mary Tyler Moore Show: “Chuckles Bites The Dust”
Background:
Chuckles the Clown is dead. He had dressed as the character Peter Peanut, and a rogue elephant tried to “shell” him during a parade. The unusual circumstances of Chuckles’ death provoke a wave of jokes (“You know how hard it is to stop after just one peanut!” and, “He could’ve gone as Billy Banana and had a gorilla peel him to death”). Everyone is consumed with uncontrollable laughter, with the exception of Mary, who is appalled by her co-workers’ apparent lack of respect for the dead.

… and now… the funeral of Chuckles the Clown.


Gaysome 


Pick Up Lines

 I was playing on tumblr last night and came across a pretty funny pick up line:

Do you have pet insurance? (When they answer no) Too bad because your pussy is getting smashed tonight.

Here’s another one: you pick up a sugar packet and hand it to a guy and say, “You lost your name tag.”

One more: Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Because you have a pretty sweet ass.

So do you know any funny pick up lines? Have you ever used a pick up line and what was it? Have you had someone use a pick up line on you? Are pick up lines ever successful?


Christmas 

  


Ever Wonder What Cats Think

  

I rarely do extra posts in a day, but this is an exception. One of my cats (Edith) has gotten to where she likes to sleep on the shelf in the bathroom with the towels. It always wakes her up when I go in there to pee, and she always looks at me strangely. I saw this the other day on Yummy of the Day Blog, and as she looked at me, I thought of this picture. The thing is, Edith is a bobtail, and she always seemed jealous of the other cats’ tails, so I’m think she’s jealous of my “tail,” you know, the one that’s on backwards. Let’s just hope she never decides to attack my “tail” like she does the other cats. So I often wonder what goes through a cat’s mind. Edith usually lets you know, because she is the most vocal of my cats and when she wants something she is very persistent and always gets what she wants.


Bathing the Cats

How to Bathe a Cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe her while you carry her toward the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as her paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power wash and rinse’ which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where she will dry herself.


Obviously, this is not how I gave my cats a bath, but the cats’ reactions were about the same. I wouldn’t normally try to bathe a cat, but we seem to have a flea problem. The medicine you put on their back didn’t work. The flea spray didn’t work. So we tried a bath, mainly because the flea spray made Edith a little sick. I hope the baths work.

However, Edith has not been herself lately. Edith is usually rambunctious and loving, but all night last night and all day today, she has found various places to hide away. Very unusual behavior for her, but she’s been acting strange lately anyway. She will not use her litter box. This has been going on for two weeks, but prior to that, I’ve had not problems from her. Even though the litter boxes are cleaned out daily and there is a litter box for each cat, she pooped in a chair (three different times) and now she has begun peeing on furniture as well. I am about at my wits end. I’ve looked up everything I can on the Internet, but nothing I’ve tried seems to work. There is one part of the house where there is no soft furniture (it’s also where the litter boxes are), and I’ve had to keep her in there unless I’m watching her every move. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I know some of you are cat lovers like I am, and something has to be done. I can’t let her defecate wherever she feels like. I’m going to call the vet today and see if he can give me any advice. Lucy is doing just fine; she’s prancing around like she’s an angel, which for the most part both of them are. I’ve never had cats as stubborn as these are. HRH could be stubborn, but at least she minded me. I love my girls, but oh how I miss HRH.Ok, I’ll get maudlin if I keep talking about HRH. Here are some funny cat quotes:

To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction, and a cat. The last ingredient is usually the hardest to come by. — Stephen Baker

I gave my cat a bath the other day. They love it. He just sat there and enjoyed it. It was fun for me. The fur kept sticking to my tongue, but other than that… — Steve Martin

One is never sure, watching two cats washing each other, whether it’s affection, the taste, or a trial run for the jugular. — Helen Thomson

Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat. — Lillian Johnson

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.

P.S. The job search continues. I’m doing my best to get out several applications a day. I signed up yesterday to volunteer at a local museum to gain some museum experience. One of the things that they will do is to train me in preservation of artifacts. Volunteering is a lot cheaper than a master’s in museum studies, and I really think it will be fun. I’ve also had a high school in Utah that seems pretty interested in my résumé. It will have to be a pretty good salary and benefits for me to move to a small town where the closest city is two hours away.


My Life in a Cartoon Strip

  

At least that sums up my life in academia right now.  However, I do ask that you guys pray for me (or send good vibes my way), because I’ve applied to several jobs teaching college for next fall in Iowa, Virginia, and South Carolina.  Hopefully, I’ll get a few more submitted.  So far I haven’t heard from any of the jobs I’ve applied for this year, but I’m still hoping.  I’m not sure my sanity (what very little is left of it) can survive another year of teaching high school.

By the way, just for some eye candy, if you have not seen this hot math professor from England, then it’s time that you did.  He happens to be a model, as well as holds a PhD in mechanical engineering.  Here’s one of his modeling pictures.

  


Educational Pun

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