Since the end of last school year, I have tried to get back into the dating game. It hasn’t been very successful but I have gone on a few dates and had some pretty good sex. But hey, I didn’t just randomly hook up with anyone. Each was a person I had feelings for and want to potentially date, but somehow it didn’t work out, for whatever reason.

On the bright side, being single means I can do whatever I want, which includes writing this list without worrying about my boyfriend getting mad at me.

1. It’s harder to cum when you’re with someone than when you’re jacking off.

This is true for both people. Either they get pressured or you’re not really enjoying it, and so a quickie turns into a two-hour game of “Who Can Cum First?” I’m not saying it’s a bad thing or anything. At least, it means I can last longer. But some guys get so stressed about it that their penis usually loses interest in the moment. It stresses me out too, but I try to take it in stride.

2. It gets boring after the first few minutes.

Perhaps it’s because I haven’t found the right person yet, but it gets kind of boring after making out for a few minutes. I try to only hook up with people that I have feelings for, but sometimes there weren’t any fireworks when we kissed; I just lose interest and see the whole experience as another task I have to complete for the day, and I begin to think how much longer must I do this, which usually brings me back to #1, when I’m ready to cum and move on. (It’s sad, I know.)

3. Blowjobs are overrated.

If there’s one idea that needs to be wiped from people’s minds, it’s that blowjobs are amazing—they are sometimes but not most of the time. From personal experience, most guys prefer the up-and-down hand movement with a little bit of spit or lube. Blowjobs aren’t bad; they’re just not that great. I’ve always found them boring to watch in porn and have often found that contrary to popular belief, not all gay men are great at it.

4. Rimjobs are always great to be on the receiving end of.

No matter what the rest of sex is like, a rimjob, even from someone who doesn’t know what they are doing is pretty fantastic. A good rimjob can make a bad sexual experience so much better. Just make sure you are clean and ready to receive. It never fails to make my eyes roll into the back of my head. Giving rimjobs depend on the other person, see #7.

5. Proper lube and protection is important.

You must use lube for any form of sex. Spit is good, lotion is good, but proper lube is so much better. Lube makes everything smoother and easier. (Don’t use too much, though, or else it’ll most likely slip out.) Try it—you’ll definitely notice the difference unless you’re into friction burns and lots of pain. Also, I’ve always preferred silicon lube. I find water-based lubes leave me feeling itchy. As for protection, make sure you have the proper size. Too small and it breaks, too large and it slips off of him. You know what size you need, and if it’s your first time with a guy, let him bring his own or you be the top.

6. Even though they don’t say it, most guys like it rough.

Two out of ten guys will say they like it rough and give you orders; the other eight will just do it and pretend it’s normal. Sometimes I want gentle and loving and caring (yes, just like in romantic movies). But when it’s a hook-up (even regular friends with benefits), somehow everyone just wants to be dominant and in charge. “I want you to suck my d*ck then I’m gonna bury it deep in you” is not something typical couples say to each other. I guess porn does have its cons. More so than that, I hate it when I a guy wants to have a dozen different positions. It just gets annoying, and some can be quite painful if you’re not a yoga master.

7. The scent of a man is important.

Not all men have a pleasant scent, and when they don’t, that’s when it’s time to tell them that it’s not working. Smell is so important to me. I need to know that he takes care of his body. I’m not talking about diet and exercise here, I’m talking about cleanliness. If he’s unhygienic then I don’t trust that he’s hygienic in other ways. However, when a man smells good, it’s a real turn-on.

I’m still looking for the right man. Maybe one day, I will find him. Until then, I’m going to try to find more time to be bold and get put there more. Teaching school, however, can kill a social life. Thank goodness it has other rewards. 

When I was a young kid growing up in rural Alabama, there were two ways to get television reception. The most common way was with either rabbit ear antennae or with a large outdoor antennae. With this method, people in my area could receive NBC and later CBS easily (when I was a little kid, CBS switched from UHF to VHF). By moving the antennae just to the right spot, you could pick up ABC and sometimes PBS. Only later did Fox come along. The other option was to get one of those large satellite dishes that moved to capture the reception from different satellites. The problem with the large satellite dishes is that there could be nothing around them to block their reception and often they were struck by lightening. They were also quite expensive to buy.

So in the early 1990s when PrimeStar came along, you could get a small stationary 3 foot satellite and get most of the popular channels that people could get with cable television in urban areas. My parents, who had at one time had one of the large satellites, and my grandparents, who only had an antennae, got a PrimeStar satellite receiver. Finally, we had more than four channels. However, in 1999 PrimeStar was bought out by DirecTV and put out of business. For rural television viewers, we now only had two choices DirecTV and Dish Network. My grandfather bought the equipment to change over to DirecTV and after his death my aunt kept DirecTV, but as DirecTV began to upgrade equipment and offer free DVRs, they refused to upgrade my aunt’s equipment or provide us with local channels. (I had moved into my grandparent’s old house by this time.)

Finally, in November 2012, we cancelled the old contract, planning to go to Dish Network. In the process of doing so, we received an offer from DirecTV that we couldn’t refuse. We were offered two free DVRs, local channels, and their Choice Xtra package for $57.99 a month. I called to get the service set up the new service since they wanted us as customers back. When I called, we were assured that the price would be $57.99 per month. I specifically asked if it would go up in 12 months. I had dealt with these kinds of companies before, and I knew what to ask. I was assured that not only would it not go up after 12 months, but that after 12 months we would receive an additional $10 a month discount and our monthly bill would be $47.99 for the remaining year of our contract. So I agreed, and the next Monday, they came to set up our service.

That should have been it, with taxes and fees, we should have paid $66.94 a month for 12 months, and then paid roughly $56 for the next 12 months of our contract. However, this was not the case. Each month I have received a bill, the amount has been incorrect. I have called and been assured that it the previous monthly rebates we were getting would be reinstated because they had been mistakenly removed. Yesterday, however, parts of our service was cut off with a message to call customer service. So I did, only to find out that we owed $144. The rebates I kept being told that we were being given to keep our bill at the original price (not even including the additional $10 rebate we were originally promised), had not been applied and the charges have been adding up without our knowledge.

After two hours and seven (yes, 7) customer service representatives, I am finally told by one that informed me that every customer service representative that I have talked to over the past year, including the initial one who set up our account, had lied to me. She laughed at me for believing them, and said that there was nothing I could do. How wrong she is, because this is only the beginning. She doesn’t understand that I made a New Year’s resolution to be more assertive and not take things lying down anymore. I will continue to fight the fraudulent practices of DirecTV, and I will spread the word.

When all was said and done, one representative (the fourth I talked to) had admitted to me that this was standard practice with DirecTV and his own grandfather had been complaining to him about it. This nice young man told me to request that the original phone call be pulled and listened to so that they would honor the original agreement. According to the DirecTV representative, they really do record all phone conversations for quality assurance and training purposes. The dispute process takes 2-3 weeks, but the call can be pulled. However, the last representative who was supposed to be able to do this, told me not only would she not pull the phone call, but that she could not. They kept the phone calls and they were used for training purposes but it did not matter what was originally agreed to, DirecTV would never ever honor it.

Basically, if you decide to do business with DirecTV, you can be guaranteed two things. One, they will promise you the world in order to get you to sign a two year contract. Two, they will not honor that original agreement because there isn’t enough competition for them to have to do so. So this is my advice to anyone who lives in rural America: do not conduct business with DirecTV. Dish Network may not be the best service, especially if you like sports, but having dealt with them in the past as well, if you have a problem, Dish Network will do their best to resolve the issue to your satisfaction. On the other hand, DirecTV will give you all sorts of promises, and will not honor their agreements. They will continually commit fraud, false advertising, and their representatives will continually lie to you in order to get you off the phone, so that you will have to call back on another day and speak to someone else.

DO NOT CONDUCT BUSINESS WITH DIRECTV!!!!!

Additional Information from Wikipedia:

Consumer protection lawsuits and violations

Washington State’s Attorney General civil complaint

On December 14, 2009 the Washington Attorney General’s office filed a civil complaint against DirecTV seeking injunctive and other relief. The complaint was filed in the public interest when the Attorney General’s office determined after a one-year investigation by its Consumer Protection Division, that the company allegedly engaged in numerous repeated violations of the state’s Consumer Protection Act.

The complaint alleged unfair or deceptive practices which include, but are not limited to

Unclear disclosures concerning rebate terms and conditions,
Unclear and/or unfair advertising for use of the term “free”;
Automatically extending contracts when customers require equipment repairs, upgrade equipment or move;
Failing to disclose finance terms and conditions that the company’s least expensive package of $29.99 per month is only available to customers who meet certain financing conditions and agree to have the costs automatically charged or debited.
The suit also alleged that some cancellation fees assessed by the company were considered to be unfair, and
That the company unfairly retained consumer deposits made to obtain services. Those who cancel service prior to the end of their contract lose part of the deposit and may also be charged cancellation fees.
The Attorney General’s Office asked the court to compel DirecTV to change its business practices, impose civil penalties and provide restitution for consumers.

The case was settled in December 2010, with Directv agreeing to pay over one million dollars, and to correct many of its business practices. 47 other states joined in a similar suit, the settlement of which required Directv to pay over 13 million dollars.

California class action lawsuit

In September 2008, consumers filed a class action lawsuit with the Los Angeles Superior Court to stop DirecTV’s practice of charging early cancellation penalties to subscribers. The lawsuit claims that DirecTV fails to disclose the penalty to new customers or to existing customers who replace their equipment or add a new receiver, and that these practices are unlawful. In September 2009, a motion for a preliminary injunction was filed to block the company from automatically removing the fees from customers’ bank accounts or charging their credit card accounts without their prior knowledge and written consent until the lawsuit is resolved.

Telemarketing violations

In December 2005 the U.S. Federal Trade Commission imposed a $5.3 million penalty on DirecTV for its violations of federal telemarketing regulations. It was the largest civil penalty the FTC had ever announced in a case enforcing any consumer protection law.