I want to thank all of you for your love, support and prayers this last week.  Also, I want to thank you for your many great suggestions.  I’ve looked into mos tod them and have been preparing application materials for them.  Many of you have sent personal emails, and I promise that I will answer them as soon as I can, hopefully, sometime this weekend.  I have largely been concentrating on getting out applications this week.  When I had my job, I mostly used my school laptop for work, but now I’m using mine which is Windows 8, instead of Windows 7 like the one at school.  Let me just say, Microsoft has to come up with something better than Windows 8.  It is absolutely the most frustrating operating system that I have ever dealt with.  I’m afraid the next version might be worse.  As for browsers, I love Google Chrome, but for some reason it just won’t work with my version of Windows 8, so I have to use internet explorer, which is so frustrating.  I do as much as I can on my iPad, but you cannot email multiple attachments in the same email.  If you can, I’ve yet to figure it out.

By the time I got to a stopping place yesterday, I had such a massive headache that I just went to bed.  If Macs were even remotely affordable, I might get one just to save on the headache of using Windows 8. Obviously, computer retailers know that Windows 7 is a superior operating system to Windows 8, because if you want a computer with Windows 7 instead of Windows 8, you almost end up paying twice as much.  I’ll get it figured out and get applications sent out.  I’ve already sent out about a dozen.  There are a few of them that I would really love to have, so I’m praying and keeping my fingers crossed.

You know, this time last week, I had been planning on writing book reviews for most of my posts this week.  The book reviews though have needed up,on the backburner for the time being.  Maybe I can write some this weekend, since I need to schedule posts for next week because my boyfriend is taking me to New Orleans.  And speaking of my boyfriend, he did something incredibly sweet last Saturday.  He took me to dinner at the restaurant on the mountain that we’d gone to during spring break.  He said that it had been a happy place for us, and he thought I needed a happy place.  I’m so lucky to have this wonderful man in my life.

P.S. Sorry about this ranting and rambling post.

All of this week, I have been applying for jobs. In academia, it’s all about the curriculum vitae, and in the rest of the world it’s more about the cover letter and resume. Therefore, I’ve had to retool my job application material. Sometimes that means turning my CV into a resume or retooling my CV for a specific job. The same goes for the cover letter. As a marketing friend of mine would say, I’m having to brand myself and create an image of not just who I am, but I also have to create an image, while being completely honest, of the person that someone will want to hire. This takes a lot of self searching on my part. I’m having to examine who I am and what direction I want my life to go.

When you look at yourself in a mirror, what you see depends on the quality of that mirror. Similarly, our mental images of ourselves help determine how we react to daily highs and lows of life. If we think of ourselves as worthwhile and valued, that quality will come across to other people. Molded by both internal and external forces, our self-image makes a huge difference in how we feel and act. Self-image is both a conscious and subconscious way of seeing ourselves. It is the emotional judgment we make about our self-worth. We form our self-image through interaction with others, taking into account their reactions to us and the ways they categorize us. Their responses are affected by their own distortions in worldview, however, so we don’t always get an accurate reflection of ourselves.

In the job search process, I’ve had to think a lot about how I would describe myself to a stranger. My answer largely depends on my mental image of myself. There is a problem with this. First, I think about how I am a very good historian and teacher. I know my material, and I know how to present it in an interesting way. (If I didn’t have a track record of this, would you still be reading this blog?). This is the side of me that I have to present to a potential employer.

However, the loss of my job has greatly damaged my self confidence. If I were so good, then why did the school decide not to renew my contract? From talking to several people, I’m pretty sure I know why, but the question is: why me? There were some teachers who constantly were stirring up trouble, and teachers who barely taught at all, in fact were barely in their classroom. I was always in my classroom, and I refused to get involved in the petty bickering. Yet, I lost my job. This does not help ones self confidence. However, I have to find my self confidence when applying for jobs.

We can’t help but compare ourselves with others, much as we might try not to. We usually compare ourselves against the expectations of friends and family. Often society gives us roles and expectations, such as having a successful career or being a good husband. This contributes to how we see ourselves. This becomes even more complicated as a closeted gay man. We have ways that we are expected to be perceived. We assess ourselves continually.

A positive self-image leads to confidence and self-acceptance. A negative self-image leads to a sense of inferiority and even depression. Those who develop a mature and realistic self-image will not come undone by every critical comment. This is especially difficult when you’re on a job hunt. Some jobs, you may know are long shots; others, you think should be a sure thing (or at least you should warrant an interview). Then you submit application after application and you get rejection after rejection, or even worse, silence. This job hunt has just begun, and I thank all of you for your suggestions. However, I’ve been on the job hunt for a permanent position in higher education for nearly seven years, so the job hunt isn’t something new. This time though, I don’t have the luxury of having a job while applying for positions that I find ideal. I’m branching out and looking at non-teaching positions, and the thing is, this may have been what I’ve needed to do all along.

I’m taking a good look at myself, and doing my best to remain positive about what I see. Trust me, it’s not always easy at times to be optimistic, and I have had a fair number of pessimistic moments this week. I will hold my head up high and continue the search.

For the past five years, I have not really been happy.  I love teaching, but their were aspects of my job that I was really not happy with.  I was constantly frustrated with the students and their lack of ambition, and I think some of that had worn off on me.  I’d looked for other jobs, but if I am going to be truthful with myself, it was only a half-hearted effort.  I was comfortable with my job, even if I was unhappy.  Losing my job has lit a fire in me to search for better employment, employment that will be fulfilling, and employment that I can be proud of.  I am going to continue looking into teaching positions, but I am also turning to the museum sector and other areas where my degrees will be useful.  Maybe it is time for a new path.  Many of the museum jobs require a degree in history, and I have also had some training in public history.  Museums often look for someone who can be an educational resource, so they often look for someone who has educational experience.  It’s a small glimmer of hope, but you can’t get a job if you don’t apply, so I am applying to as many places as I can.  If anyone has any suggestions or can offer any assistance in this endeavor, I’d be greatly appreciative.

If you’ve ever lost your job suddenly and without any type of prior warning, you probably know the emotional roller coaster that I have been going through the past few days: shock, anger, hopelessness, disappointment, but also hope for better things to come.  (By the way, I’m almost certain that I was let go so that they could make room for the new football coach. If that is the case, I am better off not being at a school that puts athletics so far above academics.) My post yesterday was about that hope, and I’m clinging to that for dear life.  I refuse to let depression overtake me again, and I will be more proactive in my life circumstances.  I’m going to make this a positive experience, even though my heart hurts right now with the feelings of betrayal from a school I’d poured my heart and soul into making a better place.

As Gloria Gaynor famously sang:

Do you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die?

No, not I, I will survive
Long as I know how to love
I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
And all my love to give and I’ll survive
I will survive

It may be taking all my strength not to fall apart, but I will survive.  I want to thank all of you for your love, support, and words of encouragement during this period of tribulation.

It’s easy to get bogged down in my own self pity and forget that today is Memorial Day and what it actually means but this day signifies so much that is important to the freedoms we have in this country and the freedoms we strive to expand upon.  Memorial Day is a solemn day of remembrance for everyone who has died serving in the American armed forces. The holiday, originally known as Decoration Day, started after the Civil War to honor the Union and Confederate dead.  

On this Memorial Day, I want us not only to remember the men and women who have died, but to especially remember those gay, lesbian, and bisexual veterans who died serving in silence in the times before the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  They served and died for a country that denied them their own freedoms, many in hope that one day their sacrifice would lead to greater freedoms in America.  Most of those gay, lesbian, and bisexual service men and women would be shocked to know that not only can gay people serve openly in the military but that they can be married to someone of the same sex and receive spousal benefits, or that the majority of states allow same-sex marriage and that we seem to be on the verge of it becoming legal nationwide. We cannot let their sacrifices be in vain, and we must continue the fight for a better and more free America.