Category Archives: Miscellaneous

No Internet

My internet was out all last night, so I’m only able to do a short post from my phone. Technology is great until you don’t have it.

“I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them.”

— Isaac Asimov


Musings

Sometimes, I have something on my mind, and I think it will make a good post. When this happens, and I can do so, I sit down and write the post out. Occasionally, once I get it written, I decide that I don’t want to post it. I have a few posts like that saved on my computer, but I doubt they will ever see anyone’s eyes but mine. I sometimes go back to them and reread them and edit those posts, and sometimes I do end up posting them. Rarely, I go back to a post I’ve decided not to post and then post it later.

Lately, I have had the political situation of the United States on my mind a lot, so I have written several politically-oriented posts. However, I feel like I am beating a dead horse with the vote for Biden themes. Yes, I want you to vote for Joe Biden, and I think my American readers are likely to do so. Quite frankly, if you are reading this blog and are even contemplating voting for Donald Trump, you are in the wrong fucking place, and I hope you leave and don’t come back. If you have a gay friend or family member and are voting for Trump, you don’t actually care about that person. You are homophobic, and that’s the end of it.

I also write about my health a fair amount, but I know people get tired of reading about my headaches. We won’t even get into my diabetes or high blood pressure, among the other things that I need to improve about my body. Sometimes, I guess it does seem like I am whining too much, but at the end of the day, this blog is where I write down my thoughts. If you have thoughts about what I write, you are always encouraged to leave a comment.

I have also ranted about people not following guidelines to keep others safe in this pandemic. You can only tell people to wear their masks so many times. My university has been very strict about wearing masks, and we currently have zero cases. My Texas friend is not having the same luck with her college. While they have rules, no one is following them, and no one is enforcing the rules. It’s Texas, what do you expect? My parents are not as cautious as they should be either, and I won’t even get started on my sister and her family. 

I haven’t talked much about work lately. I am still working mostly from home, but I am going into the museum two days a week. Last week, it was four days because issues mainly of the fact that I live the closest to the museum. Because of this, I am expected to go in for emergency needs and for things that “won’t take long.” Being on call all the time is trying my patience because I am not paid to be on call every waking minute. My boss and I will talk on Wednesday when we will be the only two working. It won’t matter because he will say, “We will do better and be fairer about who comes in at off times.” He always says he will “do better,” but he never does.

So, those were my thoughts last night. I had not planned to write this much. I had only planned on talking about having a post ready but not wanting to post it. My back-up plan had been to discuss Vermont Virtual Pride, which was this weekend and last week. They created a program called Pridestream, which was broadcast on the local CBS affiliate. It was hosted by François Clemmons, who was Officer Clemmons on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Clemmons is gay and was born in Alabama, and also like me, he ended up in Vermont. After retiring from Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, he became a professor at Middlebury College. 

I am usually a fan of what the Pride Center of Vermont does, but this pride was a bit of a disappointment. It was supposed to feature both local and nationally-known recording artists, activists, and phenomenons, including performances and appearances by Jonathan Van Ness, Big Freedia, Low Cut Connie, Ben Cohen & Jerry Greenfield, Dwight & Nicole, Be Steadwell, Marjorie Mayhem, pineappleCITI, Amber & Lucy Belle LeMay, Maddy Jameson, Unnecessary Inventions, tip/toe, and more. They featured them all right, but I just can’t say it was entertaining. Thankfully, it only lasted an hour. Hopefully, next year’s pride celebration will be back to normal. Anyway, I had hoped to talk about how good the Pridestream was, but I’m afraid I can’t. 

Hopefully, this coming week will be better than last week was. If it turns out to be worse, I might explode on someone. I am reaching my boiling point with my coworker, and my constant headaches aren’t helping my temper. I am almost always irritable lately, and I don’t like being irritable. I want to be happy and things to go smoothly.


Eye Candy

When I saw the picture above, I thought, “I’d like to come home to that every day.” Then, I thought, “I’d like to wake up to that every day.” I’ve been single for a while now, and there are no prospects on the horizon (certainly not in the middle of a pandemic), but it doesn’t hurt to daydream. This guy has a very sweet smile and by the looks of it, a nice little butt. He certainly has some nice arms, and he looks like he’d be pretty nice in the bedroom too. While I would settle for just someone to love me, I certainly wouldn’t turn down some eye candy. This guy is definitely eye candy.


Three Wishes

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I’d wear one by my side.
If “ifs” and “ands” were pots and pans,
There’d be no work for tinkers’ hands.

—Scottish proverb

I grew up watching reruns of I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched. I’ll admit I often dreamed of either having my own Jeannie like Tony Nelson or having magical powers like Samantha Stephens. When I was bullied in school, my favorite fantasy was that with a twitch of my nose, a quick nod of my head, or even a wave of my hand, I could slam those bullies against the wall and cause them extreme pain. That may sound pretty violent, but I wanted the magical powers so that they would remember the pain but have no lasting effects from it. Maybe then, they would learn the pain they caused others. It was a frequent fantasy of mine.

I have often wondered what I would wish for if I had just three wishes. I suspect many of us have had that thought. If I were to make a grand gesture with my wishes, I’d wish for world peace, equality and acceptance for all, and that people would get the chance they deserve in life. That last one could backfire as in the old three wishes jokes. The three wishes joke (or genie joke) is a joke in which a character is given three wishes by a genie and fails to make the best use of them. Typical scenarios include releasing a genie from a lamp or crossing paths with the devil. The first two wishes go as expected in the jokes, with the third wish being misinterpreted or granted in an unexpected fashion that doesn’t reflect the wish’s intent.

Suppose I were to be purely selfish with my wishes. In that case, I’d wish to be the man I always dreamed of being: more intelligent*, taller, more handsome, physically fit with a great butt, a great head of hair, one skin tone (my vitiligo is another source of embarrassment for me), and like most men, more endowed. The second wish would be to have all the money I’ll ever need in life. I wouldn’t need to be a billionaire, just wealthy enough to live very comfortably, not have to work, and be able to travel the world. My final wish would be to find the love of my life and live happily ever after with him.

For my whole life, when I have seen the first star of the night, I have always said silently to myself:

Starlight, star bright,
The first star I see tonight;
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.

Since I was a teenager, I have always secretly said the same wish each time: to find someone who I will fall in love with and vice versa. This particular wish was partially how I dealt with my burgeoning sexuality. Part of my wish was always that if it was a man, then I’d know it was the right thing, and if it was a woman, then that was the right thing. Now I simply just wish for the man of my dreams, someone I will have a wonderful relationship with for the rest of our lives. So far, it hasn’t come true, but I will keep wishing on that star.

Of course, I have had various other wishes throughout my life. I’ve wished that loved ones who have died were alive again. I’ve wished that I had met friends earlier in life. I’ve wished that my parents were more accepting of my sexuality. At times, I even wished that I were dead; depression will do that to you. Of course, I’ve also wished that I had finished my Ph.D., or that I could become a perpetual student and travel the world learning new things. I’ve even wished for awful things to happen to our current president and his soulless minions. While I’d love to have three wishes, I’m not sure if I would take the selfless route or the selfish route, but I wouldn’t want to be greedy and have an endless supply of wishes. Maybe five or six wishes would be enough.

If you had three wishes and only three wishes, what would they be? Would you benefit yourself or help others? Would you advance your career, health, or financial well-being, or would you further your social, emotional, or spiritual needs? Would you blow through your wishes right away, or would you hold a few in reserve? You may be thinking this is a silly or cliché question, but our answers can be quite telling. For example, what do your wishes say about your priorities? Do they focus on possessions or enhance your relationships? What do your wishes say about your current situation versus your ultimate goals? Are your wishes far-fetched or clearly within your grasp?

*By “more intelligent,” I mean that I wish I could read quicker (I’ve always been a slow reader) and retain more of what I read. If you were to get to know me in person, you’d find out that I have a LOT of trivial knowledge in my head that emerges at random intervals. However, I am terrible with dates and names. For a historian, my mind is not chronological. I get mixed up on things very easily.


Chris Evans

I’m sure most of you out there know who Chris Evans is. He’s best known as Captain America, and he’s also one of the hottest of the guys named Chris in Hollywood. You know the ones I’m talking about. Chris Pine, Chris O’Donnell, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pratt are the most famous, but then there are the lesser-known guys named Chris: Chris Lowell, Chris Klein, Chris Carmack, and I’ll even throw in Chris Colfer, even though he’s not necessarily my type. Of these guys, Chris O’Donnell will always have a special place in my fantasies because he played Buddy Threadgoode in Fried Green Tomatoes:

However, Evans, Pine, and Hemsworth always make parts of me stir when I see them on the screen. Just look at this picture of Chris Pine from Wonder Woman:

Or Chris Hemsworth at the beach:

Evans is a staunch supporter of LGBTQ equality and the Democratic Party. In 2012, Evans affirmed his support for same-sex marriage, stating: “It’s insane that civil rights are being denied people in this day and age. It’s embarrassing, and it’s heartbreaking. It goes without saying that I’m completely in support of gay marriage. In ten years, we’ll be ashamed that this was an issue.” In August 2016, Evans supported Massachusetts Attorney General Maura Healey’s continued enforcement of the state’s ban on assault weapons. Evans endorsed Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election and has been critical of President Donald Trump. After Alabama enacted the Human Life Protection Act in May 2019, which imposes a near-total ban on abortions in the state, Evans wrote on Twitter that the bill was “absolutely unbelievable” and continued by writing, “If you’re not worried about Roe v. Wade, you’re not paying attention.” 

Evans has gotten some negative media attention in the past several months for a picture taken of him, but I think it’s because people spoke before they knew the story, which is often a problem. As I said, Evans is an outspoken Democrat but has held back on some of his political criticisms, even of Donald Trump, since he began his political project A Starting Point in July 2020, which aims to “create a bipartisan channel of communication and connectivity between Americans and their elected officials with the goal of creating a more informed electorate.” In starting this organization, he’s been interacting with politicians on both sides of the aisle, which led to a photo with Republican Senator Ted Cruz and his daughter that had some on Twitter fuming back in February.

Celebrities always seem to get in trouble from either the left or the right for their political opinions. Some celebrities in the past I refuse to watch anymore because of their extreme right-wing views, but I am not going to do like Republicans often do and claim that they should just be celebrities and not have an opinion. Everyone has a right to their opinion, but stars have to weigh the option of whether or not they will lose fans because of their views. The fact that Evans, who is an outspoken liberal, had his picture taken with Cruz has garnered backlash is a tad ridiculous.

On “The Daily Show” on Tuesday, host Trevor Noah brought up the photo and the backlash, asking how Evans balances being Captain America for people even when he disagrees. Evans explained, “In that circumstance, it was a child. I’ll always take a picture with a kid.” He continued: “But in general, just even sitting down with certain politicians ― there are certain people on the extremes of both parties who, there’s no wiggle room for that. And again, what I would argue is, look, if this person wasn’t in power, if this person wasn’t writing bills that affected your life, fine, we can shun them. You know what I mean? We can scream louder than them. But we can’t pretend they don’t have some sort of say, some sort of impact.” Evans made the argument, “Because I think the other way just becomes cyclical, and everyone spirals and no one listens, and I don’t think you move the ball down the field as effectively as you would if you say: OK, let’s just, you know … out-talk me,” he said. Elsewhere in the segment, Evans explained he would still express his political beliefs when called to do so. Still, the framework of A Starting Point is all about presenting the issues and letting people form their own opinions. 

I have to agree with Evans. American politics has become so polarized that there is little dissension in the ranks Republicans or Democrats. Both parties are likely to get blasted by opponents for reaching across the aisle and trying to compromise. Look at the Senate right now. Very little coming out the House is even taken up in the Senate because the House is controlled by the Democrats. We need civil discourse in politics, but many Republicans, especially Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell, have made that impossible. In his 1796 Farewell Address, George Washington warned against the dangers of political parties stating, ” However combinations or associations of the above description may now and then answer popular ends, they are likely in the course of time and things, to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people, and to usurp for themselves the reigns of government; destroying afterwards the very engines which have lifted them to unjust dominion.” Nobody followed Washington’s advice. Washington also spoke of foreign policy warning, “It is our true policy to steer clear of permanent alliance with any portion of the foreign world.” That warning has often been used by American politicians, often to the detriment of the world.

And if you don’t know, Evans is the brother of openly gay actor, Scott Evans. Scott is best known for playing the role of police officer Oliver Fish on the ABC daytime soap opera One Life to Live. I became a fan when I was living with my parents and writing my dissertation. I would take an hour for lunch and watch Scott on One Life to Live because Oliver Fish became involved in a romantic relationship with another man named Kyle Lewis. I continued to watch until the storyline was dropped, and both Scott and the actor playing Kyle Lewis were let go in 2010. One day, the writers just stopped writing the characters into the script. ABC’s only explanation was that the storyline “did not have the appeal we hoped it would.” Upon Oliver’s departure from the show on Monday, April 12, and Kyle’s exit on Friday, April 16, One Life to Live hit new lows in total viewers, and two years later, the soap opera was canceled.


Not Feeling Loquacious Today

Lately, I have been a bit loquacious in my posts, but I don’t have a lot to say today. I love the word loquacious though it’s an adjective that means someone who talks a lot, I am using it here for writing a lot, but I always think of my posts as a conversation with my readers. Sometimes, my blog is just me rambling on, but I always think it’s best when we have a conversation in the comments section. I don’t always respond to all of my comments, but I am trying to do better and allow my blog to be more interactive. 

I was not familiar with the word loquacious until I picked up the book Good Omen and read about the character Sister Mary Loquacious, who was a nun of the Chattering Order of St. Beryl, a satanic order of nuns who were tasked with switching a human baby with the Antichrist. If you are not familiar with Good Omen, it’s a book by the English authors Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. Good Omen is a comedy about the birth of the son of Satan and the coming of the End Times. There are attempts by the angel Aziraphale and the demon Crowley to sabotage the coming of the end times, having grown accustomed to their comfortable surroundings in England. It’s a pretty funny book and has been turned into a six-episode miniseries, which was a co-production between Amazon Studios and BBC Studios.

Okay, that is all I have to say for today. 


Dating in Vermont

Dealing with the quarantine and not having a semblance of a social life anymore (not that I had much of one to begin with) makes you really contemplate your loneliness at times. Before I moved to Vermont, I had actually begun to date men on a regular basis, some I went out with multiple times. Most of my life has been spent going on one date and never hearing from the person again. However, things had really and truly begun to change. I had a boyfriend that I cared about, and it looked like it would be a long-term thing. Then, I got exiled to Vermont. I have tried to have a dating life up here, but I’ve never been successful.

One of the first dates I went on was with a doctor. When we met, he seemed a bit standoffish, but I went ahead with the date. It was at his home on Lake Champlain. The date was a disaster. First, he fed me leftovers, when he’d originally told me he was taking me out to dinner. Then he dropped the bombshell on me. He told me that he could not date someone who was not skinny and in good shape. He had apparently mistaken me for a picture on my blog. I am pretty straightforward that no picture of me exists on my blog, and that I am not in the best shape. I am always straightforward about things, at least I’ve always thought I was. After he said that, I should have just left, but I guess I am too polite for that. To add insult to injury, he apparently decided that I needed exercise because he took me for a walk on a trail along the lake. Don’t mistake this as a romantic stroll because he lectured me the whole time on proper nutrition and exercise. I finally left and never saw his sorry ass again. He was not very attractive and had no room too judge. He was also much older than he had told me he was.

A lot of the time, the dates I’ve gone on have been much nicer. We seem to get along great and the conversation flows easily. I am a shy person, but once I start talking and get comfortable, I can usually carry on a pretty good conversation. However, it seems that after every date I have been on, whatever chemistry it seemed we had falls apart. He or I might text that we had a great time together and that we should see each other again. The guys almost always seem positive about the first date, but then, I never hear from them again. I did see one guy for a few times, but he was not romantically interested. He just wanted a friend. One time, I went on a date with a drag queen. I had seen her perform a few nights before, and then I saw her online (I think it was Grindr, don’t judge). He and I set up a date and met in Montpelier. The date did not start off well. There was a snowstorm coming in and every restaurant in town apparently closed early that night. We finally found one that was open. It was kind of comical at the time, and I guess still is. We had a nice meal and good conversation, but it was apparent to both of us that this would be a friendship and not a romantic relationship. Before the pandemic, we often saw each other at various events. She was often hosting the events as her drag persona, but she always said hello and if she was available, we usually carried on a conversation.

And speaking of Grindr and those type of apps, I rarely ever use them because it’s always the same 5-10 men, several of which are students at the university where I work (we are not allowed to fraternize with the students). When it seems like I do meet someone on an app or a dating site, they usually just want a hook-up, no surprise there. I’ll admit, I am not always opposed to that, but I don’t like to host for a number of reasons. I don’t want a stranger in my apartment, partly because strangers upset Isabella. Also, they often live far away, and 99 times out of 100, they say they can’t host, which always sends up red flags. Furthermore, my walls are a little thin, and kids have a bedroom below me. I would not want to disturb them with sex noises. I know, I’m practicing a double standard about not hosting, but it’s just something I don’t like to do. I once hooked up with a guy when I was living in Mississippi. He couldn’t host, so I did invite him over only to find out in the middle of sex that he was married and had kids.

When I first moved to Vermont, I checked out Grindr to see what it was like around here, and I met a guy who lived about two blocks away. He had just told his roommate, who apparently was constantly bringing girls over, that he couldn’t host girls anymore. He didn’t want to break the rule he’d just made, so I did let him come over. The sex was freaking amazing. He possessed the most beautiful butt of any man I’ve ever hooked up with, and I was the top this time. By the way, maybe TMI, but I am versatile. Everything seemed to go well, we really seemed to hit it off more than just sex. However, the same old story, he never responded to me again. I did run into him a few times around campus, because he also worked at the university, but for a long time, he seemed to act as if he didn’t see me or know me. The strange thing is, fast-forward four years later, he adds me as a friend on Facebook. Now, every time he sees me, he is very friendly and always says hello and calls me by name. I find it all a bit odd and don’t know what to make of it.

There was one instance of a guy wanting to get together again, but there were a couple of problems I had on this occasion. First, he was a very heavy pot smoker, which is something that triggers my migraines. Second, he lived too far away. It was quite a drive down there because I had to go over the mountains (I also got lost going home because there was no cell signal and my GPS wouldn’t work). We “watched” a movie while I was there, which was fine, but since we were doing things besides paying attention to the movie, I was somewhat undressed when not only his nearly adult son came barging into the house with his girlfriend but also his wife came walking in. I never figured out if he was divorced or just separated, but that’s not the point. So, while they settled in to smoke a little weed with dear old dad, I had a pillow over my lap covering myself up because I didn’t have enough time to get my pants back on correctly. I had pulled my pants up, but not everything was in place nor could I fasten my pants discreetly, so I had to use a pillow to shield myself. He wanted to see more of me, but I decided it would not work out and told him that I didn’t think that would happen because he lived so far away.

So, my dating life in Vermont has sucked. When it seems I have found someone that I want to spend more time with and get to know better, they never respond or if they do respond, which a few have, they are not interested. I don’t know what I do wrong or what is wrong with me. I do wish I was in better shape, but dammit, I am a nice and loveable person who just wants to find someone who loves me back. I’m tired of getting constantly rejected, especially after being told what a great time they had and how they want to get together again. It makes you just want to give up even looking. When rejection like that happens, I just want to scream at them, “Fuck you, you fucking fuck.” I saw that on a t-shirt once, and it pretty much sums up how I feel toward some people. Of course, I am not confrontational, and I try never to be mean, so I would never say it, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to say it. There are a lot of things that scream in my mind that thankfully I never utter. I really hate when people thinks it’s okay to insult someone for no reason, especially when they give the excuse, “Well, I’m just being honest. There’s nothing wrong with that.” There is something wrong with it. You’re fucking being rude, mean, and condescending. It happens online a lot.

I know we all want that handsome man to sweep us off our feet, but I don’t think that I am so unattractive as to never deserve to be given a chance. Honestly, I think the gay community holds people to too high of a standard of appearance, and we won’t even get started on the perception of age. But there are gay couples out there who are not the most perfect looking couple. They love each other just the way they are. I know that I am probably perpetuating the standard of male beauty with the pictures I post on this blog; however, they are fantasies and don’t really represent the average man. Many of them are probably airbrushed to look better than they actually look. It’s like that with porn. Men in porn are more well-endowed than the average man, and they often perform sex that is unrealistic. It may be hot to watch, but it is still a fantasy. Those men are paid professionally to perform entertaining sex on camera, and models are paid to look beautiful in front of a camera. Neither are realistic, and sometimes that standard of beauty isn’t even achievable for some of us.

How many of you have ever been chatting with a guy online and you trade pictures with him, then all of a sudden, the conversation ends? You seemed to be getting along so well, but as soon as he realizes you are not the ideal that he want, it’s all over. I would suspect that most of those instances go like this: you saw his picture and (honestly) thought that he was not the best looking person or maybe he’s not in the best shape, but you seemed to have a connection, so you don’t really care how he looks. That has happened to me. When a guy was very good looking, it was usually a catfish. The truth is, I have met a lot of men who were unrealistically shallow and for no good reason. They want an ideal that they don’t fit themselves. I try to be realistic in my approach to men. I admit that I have not always been that way. At one time, I was young, had a head full of dark brown hair, and was in decent shape, but that was before I spent five years teaching spoiled rich kids in grades 7-12. Now, I am older, I have mostly gray hair which I am losing, and I’m not in the best of shape. I know I could try harder to look better, but I have always found that really difficult if you didn’t have a workout partner to keep you on track.

I just want to find someone to love me for me. I am an intelligent and kind person. I may not look like the perfect specimen of man, but I don’t think I am the ugliest man alive either. I think I have a lot to contribute to a relationship. People love to say that there is someone out there for everyone. If the adage is even true, the problem with it is that the person may live far away from you. I’m honestly afraid I will never find the person that is out there for me. He may just not exist. I just don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.


Happy International Day of Friendship!

According to a resolution by the United Nations, today, July 30, 2020 is International Day of Friendship. Since my Thank You post early today surprisingly coincides with this day and this blog is read internationally (see below), I want to again say thank you for being my friends.

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From the United Nations:

Our world faces many challenges, crises and forces of division — such as poverty, violence, and human rights abuses — among many others — that undermine peace, security, development and social harmony among the world’s peoples.

To confront those crises and challenges, their root causes must be addressed by promoting and defending a shared spirit of human solidarity that takes many forms — the simplest of which is friendship.

Through friendship — by accumulating bonds of camaraderie and developing strong ties of trust — we can contribute to the fundamental shifts that are urgently needed to achieve lasting stability, weave a safety net that will protect us all, and generate passion for a better world where all are united for the greater good.

The International Day of Friendship was proclaimed in 2011 by the UN General Assembly with the idea that friendship between peoples, countries, cultures and individuals can inspire peace efforts and build bridges between communities.

The resolution places emphasis on involving young people, as future leaders, in community activities that include different cultures and promote international understanding and respect for diversity.

To mark the International Day of Friendship the UN encourages governments, international organizations and civil society groups to hold events, activities and initiatives that contribute to the efforts of the international community towards promoting a dialogue among civilizations, solidarity, mutual understanding and reconciliation.

The International Day of Friendship is an initiative that follows on the proposal made by UNESCO defining the Culture of Peace as a set of values, attitudes and behaviors that reject violence and endeavor to prevent conflicts by addressing their root causes with a view to solving problems. It was then adopted by the UN General Assembly in 1997.

Why does the UN mark International Days?

International days are occasions to educate the public on issues of concern, to mobilize political will and resources to address global problems, and to celebrate and reinforce achievements of humanity. The existence of international days predates the establishment of the United Nations, but the UN has embraced them as a powerful advocacy tool.


A Big Thank You

I just wanted to start by saying how much I appreciate your kind comments yesterday. For those of you who don’t comment often or have never commented before, I want to let you know how much it means to me when you do comment. And for those who read, but don’t comment, I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read what I have to say. For those who comment on a regular basis, I always love hearing from you. I appreciate all of you from the bottom of my heart.

I have not always had the easiest life. It has been quite a struggle at times. I always wished that I was more outgoing, but it’s just not in my nature. However, this blog allows me to express myself when I am rarely able to do so in person. I can write about my past and my feelings, but it is harder for me to verbalize them. So, writing my blog is therapeutic for me. I occasionally have people who comment on my blog that I complain too much or that I am just a sad and pathetic human being. It always hurts to read that, but truthfully and deep down, I don’t care what they think of me. If they don’t like what they read, there is a simple solution: don’t read my blog. But knowing there are readers out there who generally care about me and read my blog because they care and hopefully find entertainment occasionally means the world to me.

When I started this blog ten years ago, it was originally a way for me to spread knowledge about gay people in history. Since then it has evolved into much more than that. It has become a way for me to write about what I am thinking and feeling, whether the topic is politics, health, relationships, religion, etc. I talk about my health issues, which I know could be worse, and while I write to work through my own issues, I also write so that if there are people going through the same issues, they have a place where they know they are not alone. Maybe reading what I go through can help someone else go through the same thing. Furthermore, I am always here for anyone who wants to reach out to me and needs an understanding ear. I haven’t always had the luxury of an understanding ear, and I used to go through the difficulties of life alone. Now, I have my blog and my readers who help me through difficult situations.

I guess even in the beginning when I was writing historical posts, I was writing to show other gay people that we have always existed in history and some of those people did truly great things. In fact, some of the greatest geniuses in history were gay. Many historians believe that Alexander the Great was one of history’s greatest military tacticians, and he was gay or, at the very least, bisexual. Leonardo da Vinci was a polymath with such a great breadth of knowledge, and he too was gay as were many of the great artists of the Renaissance. I could talk about great men and women who were gay at great length, but my point is that we are all truly exceptional human beings.

So, thank you for continuing to read this blog and for offering comfort and encouragement. Life is not always easy. Sometimes, it’s really fucking difficult, but together we can get through it. Thank you, my friends and virtual hugs to all of you.


Dreams

Dreams can be strange. I never know what I’m going to get. One night you have wonderful, sexy dreams; the next you have disturbing, eerie dreams. On another night, it’s vivid nightmares. Sometimes you know you’ve been dreaming. You wake up with a certain type of feeling but you can’t remember what you dreamed. When I do remember dreams, it’s right after I wake up. For me, the vivid dreams, whether nightmares or not, are difficult to distinguish from reality. They stay with me a long time. 

I recall a few times when I’ve met a man at a bar or someplace, and while nothing happened between us, I’ve had dreams that they did. Occasionally, I’ve dreamed of upcoming dates with someone, and sometimes, I’ll dream afterward of where those dates might have gone but didn’t. Other times, I’ll have nightmares about the loss of a person, a pet, or friend. I wake up terrified, and it takes me a while to calm down. When I was a kid, I had two recurring nightmares in which I lost my family. The scenarios were so outrageous, they were and are difficult to explain to anyone, but I still remember them.

The other night, I had a very disturbing dream. It was not unpleasant, but it brought up unhappy memories. I couldn’t fall back to sleep afterward so I wrote this post. I dreamed about the boyfriend of a friend of mine who had died. He had died just a month shy of his boyfriend’s plan to propose to him. In the dream, the boyfriend had tried to move on with his life though it was obvious there was a great sadness in him. He had moved to a major city where I had another friend. Without the boyfriend ever knowing, this other friend used her influence among her gay friends to secretly look out for him. She was very secretive about it and didn’t tell me what she was doing until years later when she knew he was doing well and could move on. In the dream, I was happy the boyfriend had been able to move on. In reality, it’s been five years since the death of my friend. It brought back still painful memories.

Several things struck me as odd about the dream scenario. While I did get to know the boyfriend after my friend’s death, I had not known him very well before. The communications between us lasted only a short time as they were too upsetting for both of us. Another striking thing concerns the female friend. In real life, she rarely keeps secrets from me. Obviously, we all have things we don’t discuss, but in general, she and I share a great deal about our lives. She would not have kept her helping the boyfriend a secret. And while she does have gay friends, I don’t think she has the influence over them alluded to in the dream. It was a bizarre dream and quite disconcerting. I wonder why I had it.

There are varying theories why we dream and what they mean; No one knows for sure. Some researchers say dreams have no purpose or meaning. Others say we need dreams for our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Just as there are different opinions why we dream, there are different views on what dreams mean. Some experts claim dreams have no connection to our real emotions or thoughts; they’re just strange stories that don’t relate to normal life. Others say our dreams may very well reflect our thoughts and feelings—our deepest desires, fears, and concerns especially when they are recurring. By interpreting our dreams, we might gain insight into our lives and ourselves. Many people say they’ve come up with their best ideas while dreaming. I am not one of those people.

Does anyone have a vivid or recurring dream they would like to share?