NOTHING

NOTHING
By Joshua Jennifer Espinoza

i lie around wondering
what, if anything
i should post on the internet
about the government trying
to legislate me out
of existence
i decided to say nothing
too tired today
birds make noise outside
while my back aches
from stress and bad sleep and
worse dreams
it’s autumn and the light comes in different
this house inside looks different
i haven’t breathed okay in a while
maybe a few years
can’t remember
wish i could fall back asleep
while staying aware of things
that way i can guide the dream
can make the light do its normal thing
can inhale fully without walls
compressing the air away
can fly up above this city
its modest downtown
shrinking down to model size
the people dotting around
saying isn’t it just awful
and what can we say
to make it feel less awful
and i’m there in the air
singing
                nothing
nothing
                nothing

About the Poem

I had found a different poem by Joshua Jennifer Espinoza called “It Is Important To Be Something” and while I was looking up information about her, I came across this poem on her Tumblr site. While a lot of “NOTHING” is about being trans, but when I read:

i lie around wondering
what, if anything
i should post on the internet
about the government trying

I decided to use this poem instead. I had spent about an hour or so trying to come up with a poem to use today, and I was “wondering / what, if anything / i should post.” This happens to me more than I’d like to admit. My life is not exactly exciting, and sometimes, I am just not up to babbling on about things other people probably have no interest in. I like talking about politics, but a lot of people don’t like political discussions. I like talking about Star Trek, but again, not all people like to listen to things about Star Trek that I find interesting. There are numerous other topics as well: a recipe I found, books I’ve read, a restaurant I went to or want to go to, important news items, etc. And while I do sometimes write about these things, sometimes I don’t write about them because I am lazy.

I found “NOTHING” to be an interesting poem from beginning to end, especially the final lines:

and what can we say
to make it feel less awful
and i’m there in the air
singing
                nothing
nothing
                nothing

About the Poet

Joshua Jennifer Espinoza is a trans woman poet and the author of I Don’t Want to Be Understood (Alice James Books, 2024), There Should Be Flowers (Civil Coping Mechanisms, 2016), and i’m alive / it hurts / i love it (Boost House, 2014). Espinoza’s work covers topics like mental illness, coming out as a transgender woman, as well as universal themes like love, grief, anger, and beauty. She is a Visiting Professor of English at Occidental College in Los Angeles, California.