Question: What Should You Expect After Coming Out?

“I have recently begun my coming out process and have found it to be a real reality check,” Gay Life reader Chris shares. “On day one I felt everything change, including my eyes. What do I have to look forward to in my coming out process? What thoughts do you have for a newly gay guy like myself?”

Answer: Coming out is an ongoing process.
Disclosing your sexual identity to those close (or not so close) to you is rarely a one time event. It’s a process that continues throughout your life. You’ll find yourself coming out to many people over time. Some of those individuals you will confide in and others will find out by circumstance.
Coming out should happen at a pace that makes you the most comfortable and you should always consider your safety and the stability of your environment before coming out. I’ve found it best to prepare to come out, but be weary of trying to control the circumstances in which it happens. Life may presents unexpected opportunities for you to come out. Prepare by first coming in, knowing your surroundings, creating the safest, most comfortable, environment as possible, and by keeping a coming out journal.

The more you come out, the more you will get to know yourself.
Coming out is about personal expression, not what others’ may feel or think about you. Take each time you come out as an opportunity to increase your level of self-awareness. I’ve found that the more self-aware I am, the easier it is to navigate through the complexities of being gay at work, out in my community and in my family. Coming out is a gesture pointing outside of yourself, but the rewards of the process are all internal. As you stated in your question, you’ll begin to see the world through a new set of eyes. And those lenses can help guide you to other areas of self-expression you never thought you had.

Some reactions to your sexual identity will be joyful, a few indifferent and others emotionally taxing.
“I bet you think this song is about you,” Carly Simon sang. Well, it is all about you when you begin the coming out process. You can’t control other peoples’ actions or reactions, but you can create the best possible situation for yourself. I try to focus on the most positive people in my life. It’s too easy to fall down the rabbit hole of negativity. It’s not so easy to pull yourself back up. Don’t waste years trying to convince those that have issues with your sexuality to turn away from the dark side. Instead, concentrate on the people in your life that accept you for who you are. If you don’t currently have open-minded individuals in your life, seek them out by engaging in the activities you love. Joining clubs and engaging in other areas that interest you are great ways to meet new, like-minded people.

You’ll feel the pressure of dating. Use the force and you’ll be able to resist.
First you come out. Then, with lightening speed you embark on your quest to find a man. It’s understandable: You’ve been waiting in anguish for quite some time to hold hands with another man. However, don’t let your eagerness to couple up with another guy overshadow the process of getting to know someone (or yourself). Not everyone is inclined to be in a relationship or relationship ready. Neither are all guys one-time-only material. Adjust your dating life according to your priorities. Do you want a relationship, a buddy, or a casual encounter? Remember: What you give off is what you will receive. Also, keep in mind that some people will put in the work to make a connection while others won’t. That’s not your problem. Just be yourself and stay true to your dating goals.

You’ll feel joy. You’ll feel pain… and everything else in between.
You’ve already checked grief off of your list. Get ready for more emotion. There could possibly be guilt, anger, frustration, happiness, anxiety, peacefulness… No matter what you are feeling, keep in mind that it’s all a part of the process. Manage your emotions by managing how you view your “new gay life.” Coming out doesn’t exempt one from experiencing the ups and downs of the every day. Plow through by surrounding yourself with an affirmative support system.

You don’t have to accept the labels.
Top, bottom, femme queen, bear, trade, twink… I find labels to be quite restricting. They leave no room for growth, flexibility or undiscovered fun. Look, you are who you are and you like what you like. Those “likes” can change over time, as you continue to grow. People are most comfortable when they can categorize others. As queer people how can we expect others to keep an open mind about us while we in turn close our minds about ourselves? Keep it open. Keep it happy. Now that you have taken this step, there is so much to look forward to.

I decided to go back and add this picture to the post because it was just too damn perfect in my opinion. It is a little more hardcore than I generally post on this blog, so I hope you guys don’t mind.

Are you gay and out in college? Or, are you planning on coming out in college? College is much less insular than high school campuses can be. It’s a great time to explore your interests and your sexuality.
I didn’t come out until I went to college. Here are the things I would’ve done differently and suggestions on how you can better your college experience as a gay man:
Dorms and Residence Halls
Living in a residence hall as a freshman was the first time I ever lived on my own. It was overwhelming at first, but I was excited to get away from home. I knew I was attracted to guys; but I was way too scared to explore my feelings so I stayed in the closet for a while. I was also somewhat distant from my co-ed hall mates. I feared my secret might ruin my new friendships.

• What I would have done differently: Looking back on the situation, most of the guys and girls around me were also excited about being away from home and exploring their own interests. Months later, when I did come out, I found that most of them didn’t care at all. I wasted great bonding time and denied myself some wonderful experiences by not being myself. Of course, you should only come out when you are ready (and I wasn’t at the time), but try not to make assumptions about your new suite or hall mates. They are looking to find themselves in their own ways. You are entitled to the same.

Finding Gay Friends
After months of thinking I was the only one, I ran across a guy in one of my classes that I had a feeling was gay. Tired of having no one to talk with about my sexuality, I did everything I could to befriend him. I joined his math group. I asked if he wanted to study together. I made random comments about lecture. We eventually became good friends and came out to each other.

• What I would have done differently: I invested a lot of time trying to figure out if one guy was gay, as if he was my only option. And while it paid off and I had a new gay friend, looking back I would’ve explored more. There were many gay and gay-friendly groups on campus that I could have joined to meet other gay people. I could have also reached out and befriended more of my dorm friends. I later found out that they knew other gay people and could’ve made a connection. When looking for gay friends on campus, don’t put all of your hopes on one person. Explore and be proactive about your search.

Dating
I longed for a boyfriend, especially after I started meeting gay friends. I would chat with guys online, but either couldn’t get up the nerve to meet them or I just didn’t think they were a good fit. I didn’t give up my search, though. I knew eventually I would make a connection with a guy I liked. But when I did meet my first boyfriend, it was in the most unlikely of places–a club I joined. It wasn’t a gay club, but there were gay guys in it. Me and a few of the guys eventually became friends since we spent so much time together at club meetings. One of the guys and I became especially close. He was my first boyfriend and my first love.

• What I would have done differently: Prior to meeting my first boyfriend, I became more and more eager to find a man. It would have been best if I let the situation happen instead of letting my desperation drive my actions. Usually, the best dating situations happen in the most unlikely of circumstances. When I stopped seeking, I found a great guy. Just like making gay friends, it’s best to get out there and explore social or academic options on campus. You and another great single guy will eventually find each other. Another lesson I learned was taking a more active role in my safety, which brings me to the next topic.

Online Hook Ups and Campus Safety
Meeting someone online is a cool way to get to know them–initially. I would chat with guys online during study breaks and off time. I developed an entire network of online buddies. But, after some time I wanted to meet them face-to-face. No online dating questionnaire or number of chat hours can replace an in-person chemistry check.

• What I would have done differently: There were many times when I would meet up with online guys only to discover that we didn’t quite connect in person. Also, I didn’t take my safety into account enough times. Unfortunately, not everyone online is on the up and up. You should always follow these safety tips before meeting an online buddy in person. Also, if you have a suite mate or close buddy, give them your schedule and keep them up on where you are traveling around campus (especially at night). It’s always better to side with safety.

Sex
Some people choose to explore same gender sexual experiences while in college. A first same-sex experience can either be a wowing confirmation of your emotional attractions or not at all what you expect (or a little bit of both).

• Suggestions: Take your time when exploring your the physical aspects of your sexuality. There is no rush, nor does a prize go to the quickest explorer. It’s best to be selective about who you experience with. Know the person, get proof of their HIV status, practice safer sex, and always keep your safety in mind.

How To Find a Gay and Lesbian Friendly College

Looking for a gay-friendly college environment? The climate on a college campus is an important factor when making a choice about a higher learning institution. Whether you are already out or plan on coming out in college, a gay-affirmative campus can foster memorable experiences. Here’s how you can find a gay and lesbian friendly college:
Do your research.
Have you decided what you want to study or have a general area of interest? First, research schools based on their academic programs and your interest in their areas of study. Start with directories like Princeton Review’s The Best 368 Best Colleges and U.S. News and World Report Best Colleges 2009. They publish annual rankings of colleges and universities based on region, academic programs and other criteria.
Check their discrimination policies.
Once you’ve narrowed your search, check each university’s discrimination policies. Each school should publish their policies online or have them available in their administrative offices. Be weary if the school does not have a published discrimination policy or ones that don’t mention sexual orientation or gender expression.
Check for gender neutral housing.
A growing number of colleges and universities are offer gender neutral housing to meet the needs of their diverse student population. A campus with gender neutral housing has demonstrated that they are not only abreast of, but are concerned about their gay lesbian, bisexual and transgender students.
Search for LGBT clubs and organizations.
Search on the university web site for LGBT-based organizations. The more clubs and groups that they have, the better potential for a more gay-affirmative experience on campus. Not only do some of these groups lobby the university concerning gay issues, but many are social and support clubs that can assist you on campus. The Consortium of Higher Education LGBT Resource Professionals publishes a directory of college and university offices that are run by at least one paid professional staff or graduate assistant directing LGBT resources.
Scan the course bulletin.
Have you spotted any lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer study themed courses in the college bulletin? Not only are these courses a good indicator of a campus’ openness and diversification, but they may fit perfectly in your academic areas of interest.
Visit the campus and surrounding cities
The best indication of a college’s environment is a campus visit. Schedule an appointment with the admissions office or attend an open house. Don’t be shy about asking if the university has any of the above things mentioned. Also, cruise through surrounding cities, looking for gay activity in the area. Your college experience may expand outside of campus. Is there a gay center nearby? What about gay bars, clubs or cafes? The gay vibrancy of the surrounding area can often spill over into a more gay-friendly campus and vice versa.
Finding a gay and lesbian-friendly campus takes research, but the pay off comes in a more affirmative experience for you as a gay student on campus.

Scholarships and Support for LGBT Students:

The Point Foundation provides financial scholarships, mentoring and support for LGBT students. For Fall 2007, The Point Foundation has 38 new scholars, which brings the young organizations total to 86. The Point Foundation invests an average of $32,000 – $35,000 per scholar per year and currently boasts 26 alumnae.

Who Qualifies for a Point Scholarship?:

The Point Foundation suggests you, “Review the current Point Scholars’ biographies to get a good idea of what we are looking for in our scholars. You do not need straight A’s to apply but we are looking for individuals who have proven leadership skills, excellent scholastic achievements and want to make a difference in the world. All applicants are evaluated on the totality of their situation including, academic accomplishments, financial, emotional and social need, extracurricular activities, personal circumstances and goals for the future.”

How Do I Apply?:

The Point Foundation web site provides all of the information you’ll need to apply to be a Point Scholar.

I’m Not a Student, But I Want To Help:

A college education can cost a single student anywhere from $8,000 and $40,000 per year. The Point Foundation believes in caring for the needs of their scholars, which may be the full cost of their education of just living expenses. You can help Point help our future leaders by giving to the organization.

More on The Point Foundation:

Read this exclusive interview with Point Foundation Executive Director, Jorge Valencia.

Suggested Reading

• Top 10 LGBT Scholarships

Just so that there is not confusion here, this is an article written originally by Ramon Johnson, for About.com Guide. I reposted it here because I thought someone might find it useful, and edited a little here and there, adding some additional resources. It is meant as a way to give references to guys who might be reading this blog and are going through some of the same things I was going through in college. Maybe if I had been able to read an article such as this, it would have made the coming out process easier for me.

Coming In – You Should Come In Before You Come Out

Definition: “Coming in” is the process of discovering ones self-identity and gender expression.

Most are familiar with the term “coming out,” where an individual begins disclosing his/her sexual identity and gender expression to others but the process begins with self-discovery or by “coming in.”

Like coming out, coming in is an ongoing process and not a one-time event. Discovering ones self-identity and gender expression can take time. According to medical site WebMD, “There is about a two-year period of time for many youth during which they self identify as non-heterosexual––but they tend to keep this information to themselves.”

Many people discover their same-sex attractions, bisexuality and gender expression during the coming in process; however, coming in doesn’t always begin during adolescence. A person can come in later in life (high school, college, post-education) depending on a number of factors such as an individual’s level of self-acceptance, family life and other environments.

Coming Out: Step by Step

What does it mean to come out?

Coming out is the process of personally accepting your sexuality and disclosing it to yourself, family, co-workers and friends. Coming out is different for every gay or bisexual person since there are varying degrees of sexuality (see Kinsey Scale) and the circumstances that surround our lifestyles differ.
Coming out is a confusing time for many people. Accepting your sexuality (or coming out to yourself) can bring about a number of fears. Will your family or friends stop loving you? Will you ever get married or have children? Will you be discriminated against or made fun of? These are all valid concerns mainly rooted in the fear of the unknown; which is why many reference coming out as being reborn. This is an opportunity for you to look introspectively and re-evaluate who you are and who you want to be.

Create a personal inventory when coming out.

Sure, some gay people experience rejection when they come out, but many also find a loving and accepting support system, leading to a fulfilling gay lifestyle. Even so, happiness starts from within. And getting to know yourself is a key part of the process.
Though being gay doesn’t define you, it is a new part of your life. You can still be the same person you’ve always been, but take some “me” time to evaluate your transition. You don’t have to become a complete hermit, but concentrate on your own well being and feelings. This will make you stronger, more confident and sure of yourself. Learn as much as you can about yourself and what YOU want your gay lifestyle to be.
Take a personal inventory of your life. Write down any anger, resentments, fears and guilt that you may have about your existing life. Don’t forget the positive characteristics that also make you who you are today. Once you’ve done that, list your life goals, priorities and the things that make you happy (getting married, having children, being single, enjoying nature, art, dancing, etc.). What you are identifying is what kind of gay person you want to be.
This may seem like a silly exercise at first, but will be beneficial in the long run. Forgive yourself for any anger, resentment and guilt you may have for yourself and others and concentrate on your positive qualities. Create a new life for yourself by shaping it around your new life goals. Even as a gay person these things are possible!

Know that you are not alone.

It doesn’t matter if you live in a small town or a large metropolitan city, nothing can be more isolating than first coming out. You can be surrounded by familiar people and still feel you are the only one that is “different.” We’ve all felt these feelings when first coming out and there are millions more just like you that are currently feeling the same. There are many resources, such as gay community centers and gay online communities, where you can find others dealing with similar issues.

Deal with stereotypes, discrimination and hate against gays.

Many gay men don’t fit into existing stereotypes associated with queer people, but feel the pressure to do so by society or even other gay people. Rest assured, the gay community is just as diverse as any other community and each gay man is an individual.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t always prevent things like name-calling. You may be thinking whoever coined the term “words will never hurt me” obviously was never called a queer in a crowded room, but you do have an opportunity to take control of the situation. Maybe not by force or that cute one liner, but by protecting your own emotions and dealing with the situation that preserves your self esteem and your safety. Tune out others who may be around. Any person worth your friendship will see the haters for what they are- cowards. Even amongst laughs try not to feed into the stereotypes (learn about internalized homophobia). Be proud of the person you are and know that your offender’s comments or actions are based on their lack of understanding and fear, not your deficiency. Stand tall or flee the scene, just make safety (and not your pride) your top priority. Sometimes the bravest of the battle is the one who can walk away from the ignorance. Seek solace in those around you that do accept you and always try and prevent a gay bashing.
Know that there are also a number of national gay organizations that lobby against discrimination and defamation.

Tell family and friends you’re gay when you’re ready.

Every gay or bisexual man considers how their family and friends will react to the news that they are gay. Will your family reject you? Will your friends suddenly feel uncomfortable? Will you lose good friends or family members? These are valid questions that we must consider and unfortunately, there is no way to predict how your loved ones will react to your sexuality. The most important thing to consider is your own health and well being.
Come out to family and friends at a pace that makes YOU comfortable. There is no set time line or proper order of disclosure and each person’s situation is different. Nonetheless, the one common thread amongst gay men is the liberation they feel once they no longer have to hide their feelings. Keeping your sexuality buried can be devastating to your stability in the long run.
Surround yourself with as many positive influences, just in case your folks don’t take the news so well. Try and educate your family about your lifestyle and find a support program at a local gay community center.

Don’t give up on marriage or children.

Many of us grow up with dreams of a happy committed relationship and a house full of children. Contrary to popular belief, being gay does not condemn you to a life alone without kids. Gay marriage, civil unions or domestic partnerships is afforded to gays in many countries and states. And though legal protection is best, many gay men around the world have families that include stable and long-term relationships and natural-born or adopted children.
Learn about the many places where gay marriage is legal and how to become a gay parent.

Learn about gay love, relationships and sex.

Gay men share unique experiences when it comes to gay love, relationships and sex. Without societal “norms” for gay people, some can feel isolated or confused when it comes to matters of the heart. Here are a few resources to help guide you toward healthy gay love and relationships:

• Gay Love & Sex Advice
• About Anal Sex
• Understanding HIV and AIDS
• Succeed in the Gay Dating Scene
• Safe Online Dating Tips

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Coming out is an experienced shared by many gay, bisexual, lesbian and transgender people. You are not alone and there is help available.
There are many resources available for you and your family and friends. Browse through the Gay Life site or the discussion forum for advice and information. If you still don’t find the answers to your questions, feel free to contact your Gay Life Guide with any concerns or just to say hello. Happy coming out and congratulations on this major life step!

Top 4 Ways You Shouldn’t Come Out

Coming out isn’t a Nascar race. There is no penalty for entering too late; there is no checker flag signifying the end; nor are you left behind if you don’t enter the race going 200 miles per hour. There is no one way to come out, but there are ways you can avoid some of the pain and drama many experience coming out to family, friends and coworkers. Avoid coming out in:

1. In anger.

Emotionally charged situations are unpredictable and actions in anger are often irrational. I came out to my dad in the midst of an argument and the situation only got worse. I was so angry I didn’t have the chance to truly express how I felt; and he was so taken aback that he completely shut it out- only for it to come up later. When you come out with a clear mind, you maintain control of the situation and express the things you need to express, all while respecting the other person.

2. As revenge.

Having the gay card in your pocket is like having the only nuclear bomb in a war against your homophobic neighbor. Your same-gender loving feelings are a part of you and should be disclosed under your terms. Why invite negativity upon yourself or share such dear details of your life in a bout of payback? If someone is slinging insults or you know they hate gays, let them have their reality. The best way to combat ignorance is to let them witness your world surrounded by love and acceptance.

3. Through a third party.

Third party news is always a bad idea. Facts and feelings can get twisted from person to person, which is why hearsay doesn’t even stand up in court. Sometimes your news will leak to others through gossip, but your loved ones will appreciate hearing it directly from you. Don’t get anyone else involved or waste time chasing the rumor mill. Important information such as this should be handled person to person. If a face to face meeting is not within your comfort zone, write a personal letter.

4. When you’re not ready.

Coming out should happen on your schedule. Of course, you can’t control whether someone finds out through other means, but you can talk about it at your own pace. There is no set age or circumstance that dictates when a person should come out. Let your feelings be your guide. I was tired of keeping such an important part of my life from those I cared about. So I started slowly telling friends one by one and then my family. Those that truly cared stuck by my side, despite the ones that didn’t.

The previous resources come from http://gaylife.about.com. I wish I had read some of these before I came out, because I know that I made many mistakes along the way. I hope you guys are able to learn from my experiences. I still have a few more resources to add and at least one more coming out story, though I may also add another about coming out in the workplace.