The Closet Professor

As Benjamin Franklin said, “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.” Isabella always has me up between 4 am and 5 am, so the “early to rise” is thanks to her. The “early to bed” last night was because I had a long day, and I was tired and sleepy.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes you sent my way yesterday. I am humbled by your kind and encouraging words. It really means the world to me. For reasons that I am not going to get into today, my birthday has been a sad time for a number of years. I try not to let it get to me, but you combine the sadness over a tragedy in my past with thought of my life so far, and I can get a little morbid. Your comments yesterday helped me get past that and have a good birthday. I went out for breakfast at a local diner, had a sandwich that I love for lunch, and made meatballs from scratch and a marinara sauce and spaghetti for dinner last night. It was a good day filled with your inspiring words, good food, comfort from Isabella, and maybe a nap or two.

I just want to say a big heartfelt thank you for making my day better.

I’m 45 today. Time is marching on. This birthday has hit me a little differently from others. What have I done in my 45 years on this earth? I feel like I have either failed in life or waited too long to try to have a life. Fear has always kept me back. For most of my life, I was shy and insecure. To a certain extent, I still am, but I am becoming more confident, at least in some ways.

I’m 45 years old, and I’m still single. I’ve never had a relationship that has lasted much over a year. My two or three other relationships lasted a lot less if you can even call them relationships. I feel like I wasted so much time worrying about what my family thought about me being gay that life and opportunity passed me by. I wish I didn’t care what they think. I’m closer to the point of not caring anymore, but it feels too late. My parents have been married for 50 years, and my sister has been married for over 25 years. I’m still single, and I fear that will never change. 

I feel like I should be able to see retirement in my future, but it still seems a long way off. My mother was 47 when she retired for the first time, and my father was just over 50 when he retired for the first time. They both went on to work in other jobs for another ten years. However, I couldn’t afford any retirement savings or a retirement plan until I started working for this university seven years ago. Financial security has always seemed just out of my grasp.

Then, there is my health. Yes, it could be worse, but I still suffer from chronic migraines )probably always will), and my eyesight is not as good as it used to be. I have to wear reading glasses in addition to my contacts, but I was told that comes with being older. I guess the encouraging parts about my health is that I have lost weight, and my diabetes is under control. In fact, my doctor says he will probably take me off my diabetes medication when I return to him in January and declare me a “diet-controlled diabetic.”

I know I am bemoaning being 45, and as my father has always said, “It beats the alternative.” I am happy with my job and more confident in my sexuality. I have wonderful friends, and I have this blog, which I am quite proud of. Still, what do I have to show for the last 45 years? So, please excuse me for being a little melancholy on this, my 45^th birthday. 

I know I’m being silly about this. There really isn’t a reason for me to be in a bad mood about my birthday, but I am as real as I can be on this blog. I didn’t want to be falsely cheerful when I don’t feel that way at all. It would just be dishonest.

I’m just going to treat today like any other day. I usually try to do something special for my birthday, but this year, I am not in the mood. I have the day off from work and no plans. I’ll probably spend the day on the couch watching TV and spending quality time with Isabella.