Just because you come out, doesn’t mean that everything will be perfect. Maybe you came out because you finally found the right man. Maybe you came out because you were pushed out of the closet. Maybe you came out because you were finally ready to be yourself. Whatever the reason, when you come out the journey is just beginning. One of my readers asked me to discuss my relationships since I came out. If you want to read the explicit sexy stuff, click on hook-ups and it will take you to all (well most, there are a few stories left to tell) of the salacious details of my sex life. The truth (and I am ashamed to admit this) is that I have never been in a gay relationship. The most I have ever dated a guy was two dates (he was into younger guys and I was almost his age, so it just didn’t work out). I also don’t think a fuck buddy counts as a relationship.
Though I have not really ever been in a gay relationship, I do understand the other side of the fence where women are concerned. I did have relationships with women, some of them even involved sex, but most were not really enjoyable experiences. I always had a different girlfriend in high school and a rather long relationship in college, but none of them ever went anywhere beyond making out and sometimes sex. I just never felt the same attraction for women as I did men, and finally after the last relationship with a women (the one in college), I chose not to pursue women anymore until I fully understood my own emotional state. It took several years for me to come to terms with being gay, but finally through much prayer and meditation, I came to terms with it myself.
I have always had a knack for understanding women, I just never found sex with them or being attracted to them as exciting the sex and attraction I have with men. Yet, I find it very hard to understand men. Sometimes, I just don’t get them. For straight men, I am often not “straight-acting enough.” They sometimes find me feminine. I do not have a low voice. I can fake a low voice but it strains my throat so much until I just refuse to do it. I am also not the most macho guy. I love reading, musicals, a great love story, old movies, science fiction, etc, but most action movies do nothing for me unless the actor in it is really hot (take the movies Clash of the Titans, for example, or James Bond). I love to watch sports, especially college sports, and I am gearing up for college football to start soon, but I am not one for all the statistics and stuff. I can get into the teams I root for, and the rest, I could really care less about. Most straight guys think I dress too nicely. I wear dress pants and a dress shirt to work everyday. I refuse to wear short sleeve dress shirts, and I always try to have on a nice pair of shoes. For straight men, I am overdressed and therefore must be gay because they see me as a snazzy dresser.
And as far as gay men go, I am generally not “gay enough.” I don’t soak up the latest celebrity gossip. You know, who’s in rehab now, who had the latest facelift, what is the latest and greatest pop diva song, etc. I do love to watch Project Runway, the Food Network, etc, and give me a good gay movie any day. I do like club music occasionally, but I am much more of an alternative rock kind of guy. Give me Cake, REM, Pearl Jam, Linkin Park, Coldplay, Puddle of Mudd, or Smashing Pumpkins any day as opposed to Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Madonna, or Christina Aguilera (though I did like Genie in a Bottle, because I do like to be rubbed the right way, LOL). I’m not saying that I hate pop music, sometimes I do love to sing along to some of it, especially Maroon 5. In addition to not liking the “right” kind of music, I also don’t spend enough on clothes to be completely fashionable. I don’t soak up every issue of US Weekly or People Magazine. I don’t keep up with the latest fad in fashion, mainly because I think so much of it either looks trashy or is ugly and is a fad that I hope goes away very soon. Give me a nice dress shirt and a pair of slacks that accentuates my ass, or give me a pair of jeans and a polo shirt. And if I am being lazy that day, I will wear a pair of cargo shorts, a t-shirt, a baseball hat, and a pair of flip-flops because I just didn’t feel like washing my damn hair or shaving that day. So sue me.
What the hell. I think I am just normal. I am me. I don’t have a deep masculine voice, I do have a few extra pounds (only a few), I’m intelligent, and I have chest hairs. Why can’t I find someone to accept that? The point of this post is that I have been out for nearly 10 years. I don’t live in an area where there are a lot of gay people, but I had to go where my career took me (more on that in the next post). Surely, there is someone out there who wants a normal guy (with a nice thick cock, btw), who happens to be attracted to men, loves having sex with men, can suck a mean cock, and is 100 percent, no doubt about it, GAY!!!!
Surely, someone out there has an answer to this.
August 23rd, 2010 at 8:13 pm
Your last paragraph describes the situation a lot of men are in, including me.We view ourselves through the stereotypes placed on us by society (gay and straight), and as a result, if we don't look or act a certain way, we feel like we don't measure up.
August 23rd, 2010 at 9:21 pm
JB — thanks for fulfilling my request. I don't fit the typically gay stereotype either. But like your coming out advice, you know there's a whole range of gayness out there.I feel a little bad asking you to expose vulnerabilities but you did so without hesitation. Your comments provide a bit more insight on your journey being out. I could not help noticing a tone of sadness and melancholy in your words, a wistfulness — which is understandable. When you feel like you have a lot to offer but with no takers, it's like you are going to burst if you don't find an outlet. And I don't mean sex — it's more missing the intimacy and connection that comes with romance and nurturing a relationship. Don't worry too much, it will eventually happen for you.
August 23rd, 2010 at 10:22 pm
HH, thanks for the support. After the several posts I did about coming out, I decided to get to the reality of my current situation (in this post, and one I am working on for Wednesday). And thus it became a rant. Oh, well, I am entitled to those every once in a while, and as you said, I think those same feelings are felt by a lot of us, not just me. None of us are perfect, and guys should look beyond our imperfections and see us for who we really are.
August 23rd, 2010 at 10:35 pm
Fan of Casey, there truly is a wide range of gayness out there, from the bisexual to the gay, from the effeminate to the masculine. All we can really strive for is to be true to ourselves and our situation.And don't feel bad at all. I always strive to be as honest as possible with you guys. I want this to be a place where we can discuss gay culture and life without any fear and let it take us in whatever direction it takes us.There is a little melancholy in my words. It happens occasionally, though I strive daily to be an upbeat and positive person for myself and those around me. Sometimes, I fail at that, but that is why we have friends, even virtual ones, like you. I do miss the intimacy and connection that comes with romance and nurturing a relationship. I may not have found that with a man yet, but I know how it feels with some of the women I dated before coming out, just in those cases there was always something missing. I was always the shoulder to cry on, and there was never anyone to hold me when I was down (that is ultimately the kind of relationship I want, one of mutual love and respect, of equality).Sorry for the long reply and the melancholy, but I decided to lighten up for tomorrow instead of just posting my next rant. Tomorrow will be a little bit of fun before a very serious post I have been working on that really lays all my vulnerabilities out there. It has taken me a while to write it, but it has been in the works since I started this coming out series.And on a final note, yes, I do believe if we always think positively then we will find the right life partner eventually. It may not be what we always expected, but life is filled with unexpected surprises.I'm being awfully loquacious tonight, aren't I? LOL. Thanks for reading.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Joe, This is the first post I've read on your new blog, and I was blown away by your honesty and sensitivity. In my book, if you don't fit any of the stereotypes – straight or gay – then you're doing the right thing, being your own man. Personally, I think you sound like a dreamboat. Seriously.Before I met my partner, I went through a long period of being single where each new guy I met only lasted a couple of dates. Then I met my partner and it's been almost 20 years. The right guy is on his way to you – sometimes the universe works slower than we'd like, that's all.
August 24th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
Mark, I know, I just have to be patient. I try to be a patient person, but sometimes it is therapeutic to rant occasionally, LOL. And thanks for saying that I sound like a dreamboat. Now if I could just get someone within at least 300 miles of me to say the same thing…I'm glad you like the new blog, and I hope you become a regular reader. I know you are an "edgy husband" and all, but I do hope your partner knows what a fantastic man he has. I have always thought that from reading your blog.
August 29th, 2010 at 11:59 am
You have GOT to be my little brother. We are SO much a like.Gotcha back Bro!!
August 29th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
Crothdiver, at least your prince did come. I'm still waiting on mine, but I do sometimes think you and I must have been separated at birth.
August 29th, 2010 at 9:13 pm
Yeah…I was really lucky – that, and I firmly believe that the Almighty had a firm hand in things. Who am I to argue.Yeah, you and I are Bro's – just how and why, I do not know – but we are.Got your back, baby Bro!!!!Now we have to find you, definatively, a husband [a.k.a. a pain the the ass. LOL] Ok, that last remark can be can be so misinterpreted on SO many different levels. You know what I mean. [snicker]Steve
August 29th, 2010 at 9:19 pm
LOL, Steve. Someday My Prince Will Come. Maybe we were really brothers in a past life. One of these days, I am going to get around to another Closet Professor Theorizes posts, and explain my thoughts on gay men and reincarnation.