I just can’t…

I really can’t picture anyone at all having a crush on me. I can’t picture anyone daydreaming about me. I can’t picture someone thinking about me when they lay in bed before they fall asleep. I can’t picture anyone telling their friends about me. I can’t picture anyone getting butterflies because I hugged them, or even just because I made eye contact with them. I can’t picture someone smiling because my name lit up their phone. I just can’t.

This is not poetry, but I find it somewhat poetic.  Probably, not everyone has experienced these feelings/insecurities, but many of us have.  How do you feel about the quote above? Have you had these feelings before?  Or, are you just naturally gorgeous and charming with people falling at your feet?  I know that I have felt this way in the past, still do to some extent.

About Joe

I began my life in the South and for five years lived as a closeted teacher, but am now making a new life for myself as an oral historian in New England. I think my life will work out the way it was always meant to be. That doesn't mean there won't be ups and downs; that's all part of life. It means I just have to be patient. I feel like October 7, 2015 is my new birthday. It's a beginning filled with great hope. It's a second chance to live my life…not anyone else's. My profile picture is "David and Me," 2001 painting by artist Steve Walker. It happens to be one of my favorite modern gay art pieces. View all posts by Joe

9 responses to “I just can’t…

  • Writer

    My life is a daily affirmation of the scene in The Dark Crystal in which Jen says Alright. Alone then.I try to hide that from as many people as possible because most of my friends would see it as sad or some bull, but I really "live" the poem/quote that you give us. I know I'm not ugly. I'm not unattractive, I'm not overly picky or overly high maintenance but for whatever reason I've found that when I do show an interest in someone, they typically start backpedalling and simply want to be friends. Or less than that.Meh.

  • RobFather-X

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • Gay Paradox

    I probably felt that the most when I first began to realize what being sexually attracted to other mean meant. Seeing all of my other guy friends dating/sleeping with other women was a constant reminder that there probably wasn't someone around me who thought about me in the same way. Fortunately, since I started college my perspective has changed.

  • RobFather-X

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • queer heaven

    It does not matter who you are, or how "together" you might be… everyone goes through feeling unwanted at some point in their life. But the worst thing anyone can do is let those feeling overwhelm them. A little remedy……..Sit quietly each morning and just afirm to yourself how wonderful you really are.

  • crotchdiver

    Kill Ann Coulter! Kill Ann Coulter! Huh?!?What? Oh?!? This isn't my Blog? (ooo, i'm so embarrassed…..)Ahem. Well. Yes, of course. JB for a nano second I thought the block quote was your own literary product. Phew, as I read further…well? Good reflections that you've happen to pose.Consider how many people(besides you, me and G)are naturally gorgeous and charming with people falling at their feet??? Who are we that dare stop them. Natural beauty is a thing to be worship and adore. (cough, cough)Are any of us secure 100% in our own skin? There isn't one person that hasn't been unshaken at one time or another internally. We are secure only in that of our upbringing. Most upbrings are flawed in some way. Hence, so are our self-images."Well we all have a faceThat we hide away foreverAnd we take them out andShow ourselvesWhen everyone has goneSome are satin some are steelSome are silk and some are leatherThey're the faces of the strangerBut we love to try them on"Billy Joel: The Stranger; Album of the same name, 1977, Columbia Records.In my words:There is nothing more profound than to witness the pure irredescence of unbridled inner beauty.Your ever so adorable and lovable Homeless Bard, crotchdiver.

  • silvereagle

    Lucky me! I experienced all of the symptons you describe in the diagnosis. But, Lucky Me!!! One day, by happenstance, contact was made with a man many years my junior, and that first "Hello" was the cure for all the symptons! We each have more than just a crush, it is real male love. We talk each day, and dream of each other when apart. He causes my smile when the phone rings and says that I do the same for him. And, yes, the butterflies are in abundance. Now, I felli like the most naturally gorgeous and charming male in the world, and know that in his eyes I am!! Thanks, Sweet Man, for your love!!!

  • fan of casey

    Joe: Those of us lacking the hot bodies and charisma can relate to what you are saying, especially when first entering the dating pool. I put myself in that category.And while the stereotype of the self-absorbed, shallow gay guy is just that, a stereotype, there are many that contribute to a ring of truth to that. But as we become more experienced, and mature some, you find out very quickly that beauty often times is only skin deep and one must look beyond surface and superficial things and seek inner beauty as well.There is someone out there for you, the search just takes some longer than others.

  • JoeBlow

    Writer, I would most certainly have butterflies if you hugged me, and I always smile when I see that you have left a comment. I think as a whole people are becoming more distant from each other, and it is such a shame.GP, I am glad that you have found something that has changed your perspective.Rob, as I said to Writer, I think that people are just becoming more standoffish. It's a shame, but the only way to change it is to treat others as you want to be treated. By showing love and kindness, people will learn to do the same. It is something that we have to work on as humankind as a whole. Don't give up yet. There is someone out there, just remember to be open to that person when they come along.QH, I try to do that every day, but some days I just want to roll over and go back to sleep.LOL, crotchdiver. You are part of my affirmation in the goodness of people.Silvereagle, I hope that one day I meet that someone. Congratulations for finding yours.FOC, so very true. There is someone out there, and I plan on finding mine.

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