Monthly Archives: March 2012


My mother has a bad habit of driving me crazy sometimes.  She has always been terribly embarrassed that I am gay, and she certainly doesn’t like it because she thinks that I will go to hell because of it.  One day last week, she asked me if a friend of mine knew I was gay.  I told her that she did.  My mother was very upset because she believes that if one person knows, then it will get out.  She doesn’t understand what it means to keep a secret.  She’s never been very good at it herself, but that is a different point.  The discussion, however, led to an interesting point.  I told her that if she understood what the Bible actually says about homosexuality, then she would understand what I believe better.  You know that I believe that what the Bible says does not pertain to modern understandings of homosexuality, and therefore, I don’t think it should be applied.  I asked her if she would read a book about the subject, if I gave it to her.  I am in the middle of reading God vs. Gay?: The Religious Case for Equality, and I want her to read it when I am finished reading it myself.  She has a tremendous interest in understanding and studying the Bible: how the Bible was written? who wrote it? when and how were the books of the Bible chosen? what is the history of the Bible? etc. God vs. Gay?: The Religious Case for Equality, from what I have read of it so far, lays out a well researched and logical argument that there is not a conflict between God and gays.  I do hope that she will read it, and that it will help her to see that I am not doomed to Hell for my homosexuality.  I am a good person, the person who she reared me to be, and I want her to understand that.  I think all of our mothers make us mad at one time or another, but I want a better relationship with my mother. Since I came out to her several years ago, our relationship has always been a bit strained, and I don’t like that.

By the way, even though my blog is called The Closet Professor, I do not actually consider myself in the closet.  I do not change the way I act around people, and those who I feel have the right to know, do know, and those who I feel have no right to know, do not know.  Most of those at the school I teach do not know that I am gay, simply because they would not allow me to teach there if certain people knew.  I can do more work teaching tolerance without publicly proclaiming my sexuality then not having a job and not having the chance to do so. I work each day to teach these kids tolerance.  In the rural South, teaching tolerance is not always an easy job, and it takes time, but with persistence, it will be done.

Moment of Zen: Blue Eyes

Beautiful blue eyes on a guy have always made me weak in the knees.

Funny Friday

Confused Bank Robber

Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.
The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.
The robbery begins.
The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, “I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?”
“Perfectly,” he said.
He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes, two minutes pass…seven minutes pass – and the first lover is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He’s got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard’s pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the guys are getting away, the first lover says “I thought you understood the plan!”
The second lover said, “I did! I did exactly what you said!”
“No, you idiot,” he replied. “You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!”

Blowing Smoke

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
“What is your name?” he asked.
“John,” the guy answered.
“And why were you arrested?” the judge asked.
“I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke.” he answered.
The judge didn’t see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“John,” the guy answered.
“Why were you arrested?” the Judge asked.
“I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke.” he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, ‘This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!’ he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
“What’s your name?? No wait, let me guess; John.” he said.
“No,” said the guy, “My name is Smoke.”

Gay Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”
“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”
“I understand every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird.”
“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer; can’t you?”
“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. “I can’t afford that.”
“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer.”
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He’s funny; he’s interesting; he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your lover and the mailman.”
“What?” asks the guy.
“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth.”
“What happened then?” asks the guy.
“Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over,” reports the parrot.
“My God!” the guy says. “Then what?”
“Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down.” The parrot pauses for a long time…
“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.
“That’s what pisses me off. I don’t know.” said the parrot. “I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch.”

 If we can’t laugh at ourselves…then who can we laugh at. I hope you guys enjoyed these little snippets of fun. Some of them are kind of old, but I still find them funny.

Short Post

This is going to be a short post for two reasons. 1) I couldn’t think of anything to post on short notice. 2) I have a terrible backache that got worse all day yesterday, and as I was writing this last night, I was laying on a heating pad.  Hopefully, my backache will get better, and I will feeling like posting something for tomorrow.

The Wicked Witch is Dead (or at least gone)

Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

This song from the Wizard of Oz played through my head all day yesterday.  It was made official yesterday that my principal accepted the other job and has left my school.  I will not have to deal with him anymore, at least that is what I was told yesterday.  In the week that he was back after a month of medical leave (due to some mental distress he was having) he only caused chaos and a lot of stress for me and many others at the school.  He was not well enough to come back, and though I hate that I feel so much joy that he is gone and that he was having some mental issues, I can’t really say that I am sorry that he is gone.  I just hope that he doesn’t decide he wants to come back.  The school’s board seems to think that he should not, which should be the final say in the matter.
I truly do hope that he gets back into better mental health, and that he enjoys his new job.  I certainly do not wish him ill will; I am not a spiteful person at heart.  However, I, and many others, firmly believe that the school will be better off without him.  I just hope that whoever replaces him is not worse.  I am in a much better mood than I was in last week.  Unless, he is there today when I get to school, I think my mood will improve and the problems that we had last week will be behind us, and we can correct some issues.

Schrödinger’s Cat

Big Bang Theory is by far my favorite show on TV right now.  It is smart and funny without being mean-spirited or too bawdy.  On one of the earlier episodes, Leonard has asked Penny out on a date.  Neither knows whether or not they should go through with it, and both end up asking the socially inept Sheldon for advice. Sheldon’s answer to their queries is the story of Schrödinger’s Cat.  If you would like to see the clip in which Sheldon explains Schrödinger’s Cat, click this link here.  After seeing the episode several times, I decided that I would do a little research into Schrödinger’s Cat and I came across the following explanatory poem from The Straight Dope.  I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did.

The story of Schroedinger’s cat (an epic poem)

May 7, 1982
Dear Cecil:

Cecil, you’re my final hope
Of finding out the true Straight Dope
For I have been reading of Schroedinger’s cat
But none of my cats are at all like that.
This unusual animal (so it is said)
Is simultaneously live and dead!
What I don’t understand is just why he
Can’t be one or other, unquestionably.
My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
In one I’m enlightened, the other I ain’t.
If you understand, Cecil, then show me the way
And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
Then I will and won’t see you in Schroedinger’s zoo.

— Randy F., Chicago

Cecil replies:

Schroedinger, Erwin! Professor of physics!
Wrote daring equations! Confounded his critics!
(Not bad, eh? Don’t worry. This part of the verse
Starts off pretty good, but it gets a lot worse.)
Win saw that the theory that Newton’d invented
By Einstein’s discov’ries had been badly dented.
What now? wailed his colleagues. Said Erwin, “Don’t panic,
No grease monkey I, but a quantum mechanic.
Consider electrons. Now, these teeny articles
Are sometimes like waves, and then sometimes like particles.
If that’s not confusing, the nuclear dance
Of electrons and suchlike is governed by chance!
No sweat, though — my theory permits us to judge
Where some of ’em is and the rest of ’em was.”
Not everyone bought this. It threatened to wreck
The comforting linkage of cause and effect.
E’en Einstein had doubts, and so Schroedinger tried
To tell him what quantum mechanics implied.
Said Win to Al, “Brother, suppose we’ve a cat,
And inside a tube we have put that cat at —
Along with a solitaire deck and some Fritos,
A bottle of Night Train, a couple mosquitoes
(Or something else rhyming) and, oh, if you got ’em,
One vial prussic acid, one decaying ottom
Or atom — whatever — but when it emits,
A trigger device blasts the vial into bits
Which snuffs our poor kitty. The odds of this crime
Are 50 to 50 per hour each time.
The cylinder’s sealed. The hour’s passed away. Is
Our pussy still purring — or pushing up daisies?
Now, you’d say the cat either lives or it don’t
But quantum mechanics is stubborn and won’t.
Statistically speaking, the cat (goes the joke),
Is half a cat breathing and half a cat croaked.
To some this may seem a ridiculous split,
But quantum mechanics must answer, “Tough shit.
We may not know much, but one thing’s fo’ sho’:
There’s things in the cosmos that we cannot know.
Shine light on electrons — you’ll cause them to swerve.
The act of observing disturbs the observed —
Which ruins your test. But then if there’s no testing
To see if a particle’s moving or resting
Why try to conjecture? Pure useless endeavor!
We know probability — certainty, never.’
The effect of this notion? I very much fear
‘Twill make doubtful all things that were formerly clear.
Till soon the cat doctors will say in reports,
“We’ve just flipped a coin and we’ve learned he’s a corpse.”‘
So saith Herr Erwin. Quoth Albert, “You’re nuts.
God doesn’t play dice with the universe, putz.
I’ll prove it!” he said, and the Lord knows he tried —
In vain — until fin’ly he more or less died.
Win spoke at the funeral: “Listen, dear friends,
Sweet Al was my buddy. I must make amends.
Though he doubted my theory, I’ll say of this saint:
Ten-to-one he’s in heaven — but five bucks says he ain’t.”

— Cecil Adams

Frat Star Fridays!

I had planned on writing this post for last Friday, but with everything that was going on, I’m embarrassed to say, that I forgot. However, I want to introduce you to a new blogger, Frat Star. Frat Star has his own blog, A Bi Kid’s Life, along with two other bloggers. After a short hiatus, they are back to blogging. I was introduced to Frat Star’s writing by a friend of mine and have found it a wonderful change of pace. Frat Star also writes for BI LIKE ME every Friday in a segment called Frat Star Fridays. I hope that you will check out his writing because I think you will find it interesting.

On the most recent post by Frat Star on BI LIKE ME, he writes about his relationship with women, and I think that many of us can identify with:

I come from a family of strong women, and that prototype is still sexy to me. To some extent, I wish I was straight just so that I could fall in love with one of these women and learn to grow with them. I understand them. I like them. I just can’t have sex with them anymore, because I’ve found that I connect with men far more. 

It may be a stereotype that gay men like strong women, but where would we be without them.  Many of my greatest friends have been strong women.

Check out Frat Star’s blog, A Bi Kid’s Life, I think that you will enjoy it.  And just a side note, it is apparent by Frat Star’s writing that he is an intelligent young man.  He has a maturity with his language that I wish more people his age had.  It’s very refreshing.

The Cross

I was reading Davey Wavey’s blog Break the Illusion yesterday, and came across this blog post:

The Cross: A Symbol of Love or Hate?

When I was driving into Canada, I passed a giant white cross on the side of the road. It was likely erected by one of the local congregations, and soared some 50 or 60 feet into the sky. For those that built it, the cross is a symbol of their faith. For me, the cross evokes a lot of mixed feelings.

On the treadmill last night, I caught a few minutes of a CNN interview with an openly gay woman named Barbara Johnson. At her mother’s funeral, the priest denied Barbara Holy Communion. He said:

I can’t give you Communion because you live with a woman and in the eyes of the church, that is a sin.

To add insult to injury, he left the altar when Barbara delivered the eulogy – and refused to attend the burial. On one of the hardest days of her life, the priest’s actions added insult to injury.

I know that the cross stands for many beautiful and compassionate teachings. But as a gay man who went through both Catholic high school and university, I’ve seen so many individuals and organizations hide behind the cross as a justification for their hate. After a while, it takes its toll on you.

When I see a cross, the teachings of love and compassion are overshadowed by the stories of people like Barbara Johnson.

I am not Catholic, nor do I claim to understand everything about Catholicism.  However, in my church (Church of Christ) where I am the person who passes around the communion every Sunday,  I have never denied someone the right to take communion.  It is their choice, and it is a choice between them and God.  That being said, what struck me about this blog post is that Davey wrote that for him “the cross evokes a lot of mixed feelings.”  When I see a cross, it reminds me purely of the sacrifice that Jesus made for our sins.  Instead of having mixed feeling about the cross, about religion, or about God, I feel great sadness for those Christians who use the cross and twist the words of God to something that is negative.  Christianity is a positive religion, and when Christians make it a negative religion, then they are doing just what being negative means, they are making it less.  It is simple mathematics, 1 + 1 = 2, but 1 – 1 = 0, when you add negatives into the equation, you are taking something away.  In my belief those who use Christianity in a negative way are taking God out of it, and thus are moving further away from God and his love.

A friend of mine recently gave me a book God vs. Gay?: The Religious Case for Equality which I am reading that presents a religious case for equality.  As you all know, I have had a rough week, and I have not gotten far into God vs. Gay? but I have read a little of it each night.  When I am finished with God vs. Gay? I will write more about it on this blog. So far, it is a very encouraging and affirmative look at religion.

As always, thanks for reading and thank you for your support this week.  Your support and encouraging words have meant a great deal to me.

Moment of Zen: Sleep

The stress of this week has been difficult. I woke up yesterday morning with a stiff shoulder and neck, probably from tossing and turning for the past several night.  I took a pain reliever, but my medicine to relax the muscles always causes me to fall asleep.  So, I waited to take that when I got home and was ready for bed last night.  I did, and apparently, I needed that sleep and something to relax me.  Subsequently, I ended up sleeping most of the day today, but I feel much better.  Sometimes, we just need some rest and relaxation.


Though I have been left high and dry when dealing with the parents over the cheating situation, and I have been told that I am the only teacher having discipline problems (I had conversations with several teachers, and they assured me that I was not), I did get some good news today.  I was told today that it has been confirmed that our principal is on his way out.  He has accepted a job elsewhere and will not be there much longer.  I do not know how long, but I hope that he will not finish the school year.  One of my closest friends at school told me that even though I feel that I am at my rope’s end, that I just need to hang in there.

I also had a conversation with a board member last night.  His advice “Give ’em hell, and stand your ground.  He would always support me.”  He also gave me some advice that was very uncharacteristic of him. Though he is a religious man, he is not a Bible thumper.  He reminded me of something important to keep in mind.

These things have I spoken unto you, that in me ye may have peace. In the world ye have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33 (ASV)

Jesus knew that adversity is on the outside of a person, an individual’s attitude determines whether one chooses to become bitter or better from it.  I choose to become better for the experience.  I appreciate all of the advice and support that everyone has given me through this difficult week.