Wandering Mind

I probably shouldn’t admit this, but unless I’m taking notes my mind tends to wander a lot. I kept focused in school by always taking notes, but my mind tends to wander when I don’t take notes, especially in church when I’m just listening. The preacher was giving a lesson on Psalms 46, particularly “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). The message was about how busy we get in life, and how sometimes we just have to stop and realize that no matter how busy we are God is there with us. Just because we are busy, God still loves us and we should do our best to glorify Him.

So there were two particular thoughts that I had while in church. Two of the couples that attend my church had their grown sons there today. I will just say this, one I know from the years his family has been coming to our church, but he now lives in North Carolina, the other I’d never seen at church before. My NC friend is pretty hot, just saying. He’s very nice and so good looking. If only he was gay. The other guy was not bad looking either, so I may have had a few impure thoughts in church. Ok, so I did have a few impure thoughts. I couldn’t help myself. Not the best thing to be thinking about, but like I said, my mind wanders sometimes.

My other thought was how wonderful it would be to have a boyfriend sitting next to me in church. I always sat on the bench with my grandmother, with my parents in front of me, and my aunt behind me. Since my grandmama passed away a couple of years ago, I sit on the bench by myself. Our song leader always says come back next week and bring someone. I’d love to take someone to church with me. A friend is a friend, and honestly, no one would have to know it was anything more. But as my mind wandered, it thought how nice it would be to have a man I love sit next to me in church and enjoy the wonderful message our preacher delivered and to sing along with him and beside him. One of the things I love most about church is the wonderful singing. There is no sound more beautiful to me than a church of people singing a cappella. I’d love to share that with someone I loved some day.

I had two brief relationships over the summer, but both dissipated for whatever reasons. I continue to search for the right man, though I fear that I won’t find that man until I am moved away from here. I’m still searching for a better job opportunity, and hopefully something will come up, and it will allow me to live a more open life. Until then, I will not stop dreaming.

About Joe

I began my life in the South and for five years lived as a closeted teacher, but am now making a new life for myself as an oral historian in New England. I think my life will work out the way it was always meant to be. That doesn't mean there won't be ups and downs; that's all part of life. It means I just have to be patient. I feel like October 7, 2015 is my new birthday. It's a beginning filled with great hope. It's a second chance to live my life…not anyone else's. My profile picture is "David and Me," 2001 painting by artist Steve Walker. It happens to be one of my favorite modern gay art pieces. View all posts by Joe

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