I Try, But Sometimes I Fail


I try so hard to remain upbeat and to just believe that God will point me in the right direction. He says that He will not forsake us if we do not forsake Him, but it is really hard at times to believe that. As I write this, it is Wednesday afternoon. The sky is dark with storm clouds, the rain is beating down, and there is thunder and lightening all around. Not the best thing for keeping a person’s spirits up, even though I’ve always loved the rain and stormy weather. It’s just not lifting my spirits. I should be happy that my job interview seemed to go well, but instead I brooded all night last night with worry. I finally fell asleep sometime around 4 a.m. I made myself get out of bed at 10:30, but I didn’t want to. I did though and submitted three more job applications. However, by the afternoon I was wiped.

The stress and worry is piling up on me. What am I going to do financially if I can’t find a job? Why can’t people see that I’d be a wonderful asset to their organization? Why can’t I find the joy in the little things that should make me happy? I hate my life, I hate my fucking situation, and I just want to be far, far away from this miserable place.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe something good will finally happen. Maybe I will actually even get some encouraging news this afternoon. Maybe this, maybe that. It all seems to be maybes, and I don’t handle uncertainties well. To be completely honest, I’m scared. I’m doing everything I know how to do but nothing seems to work. People have told me over and over that things will eventually work out, but it’s times like this that I find that hard to believe. This up and down roller coaster of emotions is killing me, and I don’t know what to do, except just curl up in bed and cry. Which is what I’m going to do right now. Maybe listening to the rain will help smooth me, or maybe I’ll fall asleep and wake up feeling more hopeful.

About Joe

I began my life in the South and for five years lived as a closeted teacher, but am now making a new life for myself as an oral historian in New England. I think my life will work out the way it was always meant to be. That doesn't mean there won't be ups and downs; that's all part of life. It means I just have to be patient. I feel like October 7, 2015 is my new birthday. It's a beginning filled with great hope. It's a second chance to live my life…not anyone else's. My profile picture is "David and Me," 2001 painting by artist Steve Walker. It happens to be one of my favorite modern gay art pieces. View all posts by Joe

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