Moment of Zen: Being Held

When I was in college and coming to terms with my sexuality, one of the things that made me realize I was gay was that I wanted to be held by a man. Of course I’d had fantasies about sex with a guy and kissing a man and all the other things that gay men do, but the number one thing I always wanted was to be held in the strong arms of a man and to feel his hard chest up against me. I wanted a man to put their arms around me and make me feel safe. Honestly, if I had to choose just one type of contact with a man, I’d be happy the rest of my life, if I could just get held and comforted on occasion. Maybe that sounds silly or even pathetic, but I’d held my girlfriends and comforted them and all I wanted was to be held in the same way. Knowing that I wanted to be held, helped me to realize that I was attracted to men and not women. Also the fact that when I had erotic dreams they were always of men and not women was the other major clue.

Usually my moments of zen are things that made me smile during the week, but this one is something that I long for. I want someone to hold me when I cry. I want someone to hold me because they love me. I want someone to hold me so their smell can make all things right with the world. I want someone to hold me so we can feel our heartbeats in unison. I want someone to hold me and make me safe. Ther are many things in life that I want that I know I will never have, but to have someone to hold me could and I hope will happen.

Thought of being held always bring to mind the song “The Best Is Yet To Come” because of the lyrics in the second half of the song:

Wait till your charms are right for these arms to surround
You think you’ve flown before, but baby, you ain’t left the ground
Wait till you’re locked in my embrace
Wait till I draw you near
Wait till you see that sunshine place
Ain’t nothin’ like it here
The best is yet to come and babe, won’t it be fine?
The best is yet to come, come the day you’re mine
Come the day you’re mine

About Joe

I began my life in the South and for five years lived as a closeted teacher, but am now making a new life for myself as an oral historian in New England. I think my life will work out the way it was always meant to be. That doesn't mean there won't be ups and downs; that's all part of life. It means I just have to be patient. I feel like October 7, 2015 is my new birthday. It's a beginning filled with great hope. It's a second chance to live my life…not anyone else's. My profile picture is "David and Me," 2001 painting by artist Steve Walker. It happens to be one of my favorite modern gay art pieces. View all posts by Joe

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