Monthly Archives: October 2018
I have to be at work an hour early today. I am not a morning person. I hate getting up early and usually wait until the very last minute to actually get out of bed. My morning routine is simple. I get up, take a shower, shave, brush my teeth, and get dressed. Then, I head to work, where I make a cup of coffee. No one bothers me before my coffee. The trade off for coming in early is that I get the afternoon off.
Yesterday did not go as expected. First, we only got rain and not snow. That part was okay. The longer we can keep the snow away, the better. However, the event I had planned at the museum did not go as well. The speaker was great, but basically, no one showed up. Actually, two people showed up of their own free will, the other dozen or so people were dragged in from the library staff. Some of the library people may have come anyway, but the majority probably would not have without some coercion. It was gentle coercion, but coercion nonetheless. Then came my interview. The interview seemed to go great. It was just a short interview, which was not expected. Out of the myriad of things they were looking for, I had experience in all of them. The only thing I do not have experience with is living history. It seems that part of the job would entail being in costume and firing weapons from the War of 1812 through the First World War. This would not be a major part of the job, but it would be part of the job. That might be interesting, but it’s not something I’ve done before. Otherwise, I seem to be a near perfect fit for them. Will they offer me the job and a salary exceeding what I already make, and thus make it worthwhile for me to take the job? I sincerely doubt it. I was told I’d know by the end of the week.
The weather people are predicting heavy snow all morning, which probably means it won’t snow at all. Then Sunday, they say we are in for a nor’easter. Isn’t it too early in the season for a nor’easter? It’s not even winter yet. It’s going to be a busy day too. We have a major event at the museum this morning. It’s the first of the public programs I have fully developed on my own since taking over this new job. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it goes well and people actually show up. Then I am taking off this afternoon because I have a phone interview for a job back home. It would be a really cool job, and I’d be closer to family, but I don’t think they can match in salary what I am currently making. Even though I‘m quite happy doing what I‘m doing, if they offered me enough money, I‘d have to seriously consider it. Right now, it’s just a phone interview. So it will be a busy stress filled day today.
by Frank Bidart, 1939
Lie to yourself about this and you will
forever lie about everything.
Everybody already knows everything
so you can
lie to them. That’s what they want.
But lie to yourself, what you will
lose is yourself. Then you
turn into them.
For each gay kid whose adolescence
was America in the forties or fifties
the primary, the crucial
forever is coming out—
or not. Or not. Or not. Or not. Or not.
Involuted velleities of self-erasure.
Quickly after my parents
died, I came out. Foundational narrative
designed to confer existence.
If I had managed to come out to my
mother, she would have blamed not
me, but herself.
The door through which you were shoved out
into the light
was self-loathing and terror.
Thank you, terror!
You learned early that adults’ genteel
fantasies about human life
were not, for you, life. You think sex
is a knife
driven into you to teach you that.