You are already asleep. I lower myself in next to you, my skin slightly numb with the restraint of habits, the patina of self, the black frost of outsideness, so that even unclothed it is a resilient chilly hardness, a superficially malleable, dead rubbery texture.
You are a mound of bedclothes, where the cat in sleep braces its paws against your calf through the blankets, and kneads each paw in turn.
Meanwhile and slowly I feel a is it my own warmth surfacing or the ferment of your whole body that in darkness beneath the cover is stealing bit by bit to break down that chill.
You turn and hold me tightly, do you know who I am or am I your mother or the nearest human being to hold on to in a dreamed pogrom.
What I, now loosened, sink into is an old big place, it is there already, for you are already there, and the cat got there before you, yet it is hard to locate. What is more, the place is not found but seeps from our touch in continuous creation, dark enclosing cocoon round ourselves alone, dark wide realm where we walk with everyone.
Valentine’s Day is coming up on Sunday, and in 2012, The Guardian asked poets for their favorite love poem. English poet Blake Morrison chose “Touch” by Thom Gunn. Here is what he said:
Love poems may be addressed to someone in particular but the “you” invariably remains unidentified or is represented only by a body part or item of dress – a sleeping head, a naked foot, an air-blue gown. Thom Gunn’s “Touch” is an extreme example of this. His lover is no more than a mound of bedclothes and embraces him in sleepy oblivion.
do you know who I am or am I your mother or the nearest human being
This feeling of anonymity is important: it links the two lovers to the rest of us: they’re part of a “realm where we walk with everyone.” But the poem is also intimate and domestic: here are two people (plus their cat) in their own bed – naked, cocooned, “ourselves alone.” Gunn was gay but his lover’s gender isn’t specified, since the theme is the inclusiveness of touch: the way it breaks down the “resilient chilly hardness” we all adopt to function in the outside world. The syllabic form enacts this dissolution or slippage, as the words seep gently from line to line, without the hardness of end stops. The word “love” isn’t used; the words “dark” and “darkness” recur three times. But the poem exudes warmth, familiarity and how it feels to lie naked with a fellow creature, whoever he or she may be.
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.
—1 John 4:7-9
I subscribe to emails from QueerTheology.com, and they send out some interesting stuff. I particularly enjoy their “Daily Affirmation” emails that contain inspirational quotes. If you follow my Twitter (@ClosetProfessor), you may have noticed that I sometimes retweet these quotes. Last week, they sent out an email about their Faithful Sexuality course (registration ended on Friday). It looks like an interesting course, but at $83, I will not participate, especially since I just don’t have the time. I bring all of this up because Brian G. Murphy, one of the founders of Queer Theology, wrote in the email about his experiences with coming to terms with his sexuality and the guilt he felt in those years. Here’s an excerpt from that email that brought up some thoughts of my own:
I spent too many nights sitting on the floor of my shower after sex, hoping that the water would wash away not just the sweat but also the sex & shame.
I would get home from a date or a hookup, hop into the shower, and before long, I’d find myself curled up on the floor of the shower, with the water rushing over me. Talking about it now, it sounds like a cliche scene out of a movie, but that was my actual response.
Eventually, I’d get up off the floor, brush my teeth, and resolve to not do “it” again. Not kiss a boy. Not have casual sex. Not do XYZ sexual act that I deemed “too sexual” or “depraved” or “not romantic enough.” I’d delete his number from my phone or unfriend him on Facebook. I’d make a pact to try again at “waiting until marriage.” Maybe I can find a girlfriend? Or at least a Christian boy? “I should go back to church.” “I should stop looking at porn.” I should I should I should.
When I was in high school, I did everything I could to deny that I was gay. Other kids constantly bullied me for being gay, which seemed to be the worst thing I could be. My first sexual experience was with a girlfriend I had one summer when I attended a summer honors program at the University of Alabama. She was from Kentucky and a bit of a tomboy. We had a dinner to attend for the program, and she needed a dress. She had never owned a dress, so I took her to buy one. Though we grew to care for each other over that summer (she is probably the only woman I ever saw myself spending the rest of my life with), she went back home to Kentucky, and I went back to my home in southern Alabama. The distance, and that this was a time before texting or email, we grew apart. She is married and a university professor now. We’ve had no contact in 25 years, but I do think of her fondly and wish her well.
My second sexual experience was very different. My best friend growing up (we are no longer friends because of her rabid support of Trump and her harassment of me for not believing in wild Trump and QAnon conspiracy theories) was very sexually active in high school. She didn’t try to have sex with me because I was a virgin, and according to her, she did not like having sex with virgins. However, after I lost my virginity, she began pressuring me to have sex with her. I turned her down, and she acted very badly, pretending to be hurt. I know now, she was just manipulating me. I don’t handle people being upset with me very well, and I often try, to my detriment at times, to fix things. When she tried to seduce me again, I did not resist because she made me feel incredibly guilty for turning her down the previous times. I felt so dirty and disgusted with myself after that experience. I felt so violated. I went home, and like Brian above, I took a long shower to try and wash away my shame and disgust.
After that incident, I continued to try to date girls. Like Brian, I thought, “Maybe I can find a girlfriend?” Finally, when I was a sophomore in college, I was dating a girl, and it ended with a nasty argument. It was pretty ugly, and I know I hurt her a lot. It was then that I realized I would likely make any woman I had a relationship with miserable, and in turn, make me even more miserable. So, I vowed not to pursue women anymore, but I did not resolve to date men. I have always felt that I made a mistake in my decision not to date anyone because I feel like I wasted time and decreased my chances of finding a fulfilling relationship. However, I still could not fully come to terms with being gay. When I would be turned on by gay porn or fantasizing about a guy, I felt disgusted with myself. It was a traumatic experience in many ways.
Even when I did start hooking up with men, I felt much like Brian did. It always seemed like bad things would happen after a hookup, from unexpected expenses, problems with classes, missed opportunities to help my future career, etc. None of these “bad things” were real consequences of the hookup, but I always felt that I had brought all these “bad things” upon myself. God must be punishing me. When I thought it had gotten so bad that I had to do something, I’d take action to “get rid of the gay.” I would delete any dating profiles; apps didn’t exist back then. I would delete any gay porn on my computer and any bookmarks/favorites on my web browser. If I had any sex toys or gay DVDs, I’d throw them away. I’d do everything I could to get rid of anything gay in my life. I know I needed some serious therapy back then. I would fall into deep periods of depression, and it was years later before I sought treatment for my depression.
Once things seemed to get better, I turned back to porn or hooking up with some guy from a dating site or bar. However, the pattern would repeat itself. The same phycological factors would surface again, and I’d purge anything gay. Eventually, I finally came out to myself and then to a couple that were friends of mine. They were very supportive, and I finally had someone I could talk to about being gay. It helped, but I would still go through periods of purging anything gay and have bouts of severe depression. I continued to think that God must be punishing me. Later, I heard my preacher say that God does not punish us in this life, but only in the next if we do not ask for forgiveness. God forgives, and he would forgive us and not punish us. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9) My former preacher said that God did not punish people for their sins here on earth. His words helped me accept my sexuality.
I wonder how that preacher would feel if he knew his words helped me come to terms with being gay. I had always liked this preacher, and I trusted him. He never got political in the pulpit, and he mostly preached on better understanding the Bible and how to be better Christians. (One of the few exceptions to political discussions occurred when he preached against a lottery in Alabama. It was not received well by the congregation, and he never mentioned it again.) He never condemned anyone for their sins and never seemed to judge others. That changed when the Supreme Court announced the Obergefell v. Hodges decision. He preached a sermon on the evils of homosexuality. If it had been a sermon that followed the Church of Christ’s beliefs, I might have taken it better, though I still disagreed. Instead, he used an Old Testament verse out of context and based his arguments on Old Testament verses. The Church of Christ is a New Testament church, and he used a verse from Malachi. He also quoted some New Testament verses, but not from his usual King James Version, but a more modern translation that incorrectly uses the word homosexual. I know most people would not have a problem with a preacher referencing an Old Testament verse. However, for a preacher in the Church of Christ to base a sermon on an Old Testament verse instead of using a New Testament verse is just not done and is very unusual. We believe that Jesus brought a New Covenant that replaced the Old Testament, which is seen as historical but not doctrine. When he used arguments that were diametrically opposed to the basis of our version of Christianity, I lost all faith in him. He had never once mentioned homosexuality before this sermon, and my disappointment in him was profound. I should have walked out of the church that day, but I was a coward and did not. My family was there, and I did not want to embarrass them. However, it changed my relationship with the church after that, but I’ve gotten off track.
For many years I dealt with the guilt of being gay because it went against what I had been taught growing up. My parents, friends, schoolmates, teachers, etc., acted as if being gay was one of the worst sins you could commit. Such an unaccepting society is a very unhealthy way to grow up. My views and guilt changed when I studied the Bible more. I looked at the meanings of the words that preachers used to condemn homosexuality. I came to understand that God is about love. He is not about punishing us. Jesus never mentioned homosexuality, and the passages used as “clobber passages” did not mean what I had been taught they meant (1 Corinthians 6:9-11 [Pederasty in Corinth], 1 Timothy 1:9-10 [Pederasty in Ephesus], Jude 6-7 [Strange Flesh], and Romans 1:25-27 [Cult Prostitution]). Once I came to this understanding, I have had a better relationship with God and with myself. We all have our own journey coming to terms with life’s issues, especially when it concerns your sexuality. I pray for the day when we don’t have to come out and that the whole spectrum of sexuality and gender is accepted as natural. I do not doubt that there will always be homophobic people, just as there are racists and anti-Semitic people, but I hope that one day the idea of hating others for who they are is abhorred by the vast majority of people.
I’d love to go back to Venice someday when it’s not in October or during Acqua Alta (when much of the city floods during high tide). When I went to Italy in October 2006 to do research for my dissertation, I spent a week in Venice, and the city was so cold and rainy. I caught a bad cold and was miserable most of the time I was there. It was a miserable but memorable week. The Gondolieri in the picture above made it worthwhile. I can’t tell you how long I stood on that bridge watching him maneuver that gondola. It was a beautiful sight. Venice itself is a beautiful and amazing city, and while I preferred Florence over Rome or Venice (I spent a month in those three cities), I would like to see Venice again when the weather is better and I’m not sick.
I saw my neurologist yesterday at the Headache Clinic. She asked me a lot of questions about my pain and did an exam. She said that she did not believe it was shingles but was inflammation of my occipital nerve. These are nerves that run up the back of your head and are one of the primary nerves involved with migraines. She believes that when I had the abscessed tooth a couple of months ago and the subsequent root canal, it aggravated my occipital nerve causing a trigger migraine.
She told me that this could take months to clear up, but there were things they could do to improve the condition. She began by prescribing to me a six-day course of a Medrol Dosepak (methylprednisolone). I’ve taken this before. It’s not a pleasant treatment because it causes me to shake uncontrollably, but it is usually effective. However, I could not start the first dose until this morning before I eat breakfast.
In the meantime, she gave me an occipital nerve block, i.e., injections of lidocaine in the back of my head. Almost immediately, the back of my head was numb. She told me that this should stop the pain for about four days giving the steroids time to work. Sadly, the pain came back within a few hours.
I sent her a message through their online portal to let her know that the pain was back. She told me that nerve blocks are not always successful and to put ice on it for twenty minutes every hour. She also said not to give up on the nerve block just yet; it could still provide some relief. The ice pack did help some and eased the pain for a time. If the nerve block does eventually help, then she can give me another one in two weeks, then once a month until this clears up. I’ll be going on March 8 for my next Botox injections, so that might also help.
I am praying that the Medrol Dosepak helps, even if I have to suffer through the shakes. The treatment for this whole thing is not pleasant, so I hope it works. The administration of the nerve block was very painful, and we shall see how my body reacts to the steroids this time. Hopefully, it won’t be as bad as the last time I had this treatment. I don’t usually say this, but please keep me in your prayers. This pain is not only wearing on me physically but mentally as well. I feel like it will never end, and I am destined for chronic pain for the rest of my life.
The nurse practitioner I saw on Monday discussed my condition with my regular doctor. They decided that because there were only a few bumps, that it probably wasn’t a rash like shingles would cause. My doctor believed it is an atypical migraine and told me to call my neurologist. They also lowered one of my diabetic medicines to help with the hypoglycemia.
I called my neurologist and was able to talk to one of the nurses eventually. I described what was going on, and she made me an appointment to see the headache clinic’s nurse practitioner today at 10:30 am. The nurse suggested that they may need to do a procedure to inject lidocaine into the back of my head, neck, and shoulders.
I hope it will help. I’m sure she will also check again for shingles, but unless more of a rash shows up, it is unlikely to be shingles. What I know at this point is that it’s the worst migraine/headache that I have had in years. When I was teaching, I’d have headaches that would make me cry myself to sleep; the pain was so severe. The only medicine I had that would help was a combination of a potent muscle relaxer (Flexeril) and a strong opioid (Lortab or Percocet). Lortab helped the most, but FDA took it off the market. Those medicines only helped because they put me to sleep and allowed the pain to subside eventually.
The worst headache I ever had was when I had one of these bad ones and took an Imitrex prescribed to me. Instead of helping, the Imitrex intensified the pain dramatically. I remember it being so bad I dropped to my knees, and all I could do was curl up in a ball and cry. I probably should have gone to the emergency room because I’ve never had pain that intense before, but I did not have any insurance at the time, so I just suffered through it.
The good thing about the Headache Clinic is that they understand just how painful and debilitating a migraine can be. Not all doctors understand the intensity of the pain associated with migraines. I’m appreciative that my regular doctor understood that I was in constant pain and could get me into the Headache Clinic. I pray they can help me today.
The Closet Professor 