Strong and Tender

I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; you have been very pleasant to me; your love to me was wonderful,surpassing the love of women.

— 2 Samuel 1:26

When people talk about the Bible being against LGBTQ+ individuals, one of the things I think about is the verse above. In gay theology, many people claim that David and Jonathan were lovers and gay. If they were, it would certainly not be the only incidence of two male lovers who were in public positions. Plato believed that the love between Achilles and Patroclus in The Iliad had the purest kind of love, that between two men. Alexander the Great had his great love Hephaestion. The Roman Emperor Hadrian was madly in love with Antinous to the point that when Antinous died, Hadrian declared him a god. The list could go on, but those are the most prominent and the list goes on from ancient times forward. 

Whether any of these men were gay lovers or not has been a debate for centuries. We will never know for sure because we cannot ask them. In the passage above though one thing is clear: Jonathan and David were two men who deeply loved each other, whether romantic or not. Often, we are taught that a deep love is not a masculine virtue, especially if those two men are both very masculine individuals. The exception is the Greek scholars who followed Plato’s belief that true love can only come from two equals, which in Plato’s time meant two men, not a man and a women because women were inherently inferior to the Ancient Greeks.

Gay or straight, people often look disparagingly on men who are more feminine than masculine. You often see “Masc 4 Masc” on gay dating profiles. However, the wider world, i.e, the straight world, doesn’t believe that two masculine men belong together, although they often have no issue with two “less manly” gay men or they think most masculine gay men belong with more feminine gay men. The problem is that we are taught at a young age that gender roles are very rigid. Yet, they obviously are not. Not all gay men are fully feminine and flamboyant or stoic and masculine. Those gender roles mean that men are supposed to be masculine and not show emotion, while women should be feminine and more emotional. Yet, there are sweet and tender masculine men and mean and unemotional queens out there. 

There is nothing wrong with being masculine or feminine, no matter what your primary sexual characteristics are. Being masculine does not mean that you can’t love and show emotion. There is nothing wrong with masculinity. It’s toxic masculinity that is the issue. I’ve always called toxic masculinity testosterone poisoning. The problem with masculinity is the belief that masculine individuals cannot show gentleness, affection, or love. This belief creates fear and hatred. It’s why some deeply closeted gay men are rabidly homophobic. If we were not taught strict binary attitudes about male and female, and encouraged people to be who they are, we would likely not have self-hating gays or as many young suicides by LGBTQ+ people. 

We need to be who we are, not what is expected of us. Sort of a gentler version of “let your freak flag fly.” The Bible shows us that two strong, decisive, masculine men are capable of loving one another. But more than that, it shows us that love can come in many forms and dynamics. If we are able to be ourselves and express our sexuality and not be tied to strict gender roles, we will be happier individuals.