Good morning, everyone! I’ve been doing some gentle stretching this morning because I’ve had some stiffness and pain in my lower back, but otherwise, it seems like a good morning so far.
I had my Botox treatment yesterday for my migraines, and I asked the nurse practitioner about her injection technique and whether it is it more effective. She said that she uses that technique for two reasons: 1) it helps her be more accurate in the placement of the injections, and 2) it’s more comfortable for her patients. I mentioned how whatever she did appeared to be more effective. I could tell that she did not want to say anything that might come across as critical of her colleague, so instead, she said, “Maybe this just works better for you.”
Whether it does or not, I booked her for my next two appointments. When she walked me up to the desk to make future appointments, I asked her if it was ok to book only her in the future, and she said I could. What was interesting is that the woman scheduling the appointments said that she only lets this nurse practitioner do her Botox injections. So it seems I’m not the only one who thinks she’s more effective with her technique. We’ll see over the next three months if it proves to be more effective.
I went yesterday to see my primary doctor, and all went pretty well. The only exception is that his nurse needed to draw some blood for a few tests, and although she stuck the needle in me twice, she got a single drop of blood. Today, I’m getting even more shots because I’m going for my next Botox treatment for my migraines. I have had two different people give me these shots since my former neurologist left. One is a physician assistant (PA) and the other is a nurse practitioner (NP). No offense to any PAs out there, but if I have a choice, I will always go with an NP. The PA uses an older method of administering the Botox injections, and they appear less effective. They injections are supposed to last about 90 days, but when she does the injections, they seem to have little effect. When the NP has given me the injections in the past, she uses a newer and supposedly more effective technique. I’ve only had her do my Botox once, but I saw great improvement, and I am hoping that will be the case today. The PA gives the injection perpendicular to my head going straight in and remaining fairly shallow, not going in very deep. The NP gently pinches the skin and goes in at a 90 degree angle and a bit deeper. I talked to my doctor yesterday, and he suggested that it might be a better technique because it allows the Botox to distribute more evenly and get more effectively in the areas it should. I plan to ask the NP today if this might be the case. If so, and it does prove more effective, then I will be insisting she gives my injections from the on. I’m hoping I will see more relief after today’s treatment.
On Saturday, June 18, 2016, I brought home my faithful companion. She was a bit shy when I’d picked her out. She was the only female kitten the shelter had, and she was hiding under a chair. I coaxed her out and as soon as she was in my arms, there was no doubt that she was coming home with me.
I remember taking the picture above. She was in the bathroom of my first apartment in Vermont, and she looked up at me and gave me one of those “fierce” kitten meows. If you’ve ever had a kitten, you know exactly what I mean.
Two days later, she was still looking up at me, still just as “fierce,” and stealing more of my heart more and more every day.
By that first Friday, she was happily sleeping on my bed. That fierceness and shyness had gone away and she was just a bundle of sweetness. She’s never liked being picked up, nor does she like to cuddle, but she’s happiest if she’s in the same room as me and especially if I’m lying on my side, and she’s perched on my hip.
By the next Saturday, she was queen of her domain, and I was her loyal servant. She’s a demanding, yet benevolent monarch.
Eight years later, she has my whole heart. She’s been with me through some very difficult times and some happy times. I adopted Isabella when I was suffering from depression, the worst I’d ever had. I was lonely and sad, but she brought me love and companionship.
She may wake me up too early to feed her. She may get upset if I don’t go to bed on time. But, she’s there to say goodbye to me in the morning and waiting at the door when I get home.
When I have to be gone for several day, she is beside herself with joy, relief, and love when I get home. I have a neighbor who checks in on her and plays with her while I’m away, but for her, it seems, there is no substitute for me. Some cats act angry when their owner (or subject) is away, but Isabella is always chatting and affectionate when I get home. Maybe she can tell that I’m always just as excited to get home to her.
Over the past eight years, she been my joy every single day. ❤️
How Would That Feel Performed by Christina Chong Songwriters: Kay Hanley and Tom Polce
Did I hear that right? Did she just shine a spotlight On her innermost feelings Like it’s no big deal Say whatever, whenever you like
You’d presume with all my mastery To pursue flights of fancy, easy Who am I kidding, I’ve never found that part of me ‘Cause I’m designed to color inside the lines
Cool and methodical Way too responsible I can’t help it Sometimes I peek through a keyhole and see people happy I admit
It might be time to change my paradigm If only I can let go of the wheel My fear replaced with total faith I’m fiercely free and really real
Flying blind How would that feel?
This all makes me so uncomfortable I want to let go Be vulnerable Who am I kidding, I’ve never met that side of me In my defense The truth has a consequence
I won’t watch the whole thing spin out of control If I have the chance
It might be time to change my paradigm If I can only let go of the wheel My fear replaced with total faith I’m fiercely free and really real
Flying blind How would that feel?
In another time we had a life together Could time repeat Or will it unravel? Be careful what you start Make one mistake and blow it all apart Or worse Break my own heart Who am I kidding, I’ve never found that part of me
It might be time to change my paradigm If only I can let go of the wheel
It’s nice to dream that I could change my mind Deep down, I know I will never let go My fear is staked I have no faith Contented freedom is not real
Flying blind How would that feel?
Because June is Pride Month, I have been focusing on LGBTQ+ poems and poets. “How Would That Feel” from the second season of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds episode “Subspace Rhapsody” might seem like an odd choice, but for me, the lyrics of this song (and I always think of songs as poems set to music) really resonated with me about my own experience as a gay man. But first, a little about the song. In this episode, Captain Christopher Pike and the crew of the USS Enterprise encounter a naturally occurring fold in subspace which, when interacted with, causes the entire crew to start singing their private thoughts and feelings. The episode is a musical, the first in the history of the Star Trek franchise. It’s one of my favorite Star Trek episodes.
“How Would That Feel” is the third song in the show after “Status Report,” which introduces us to the musical theme of the episode, and “Connect to Your Truth,” in which Una Chin-Riley, commonly and originally only known as Number One and Pike’s first officer, and James T. Kirk, the future captain of the Starship Enterprise, engage in a duet in which she advises him on how to serve in a command role. When La’an Noonien-Singh sees the interaction between Una and Kirk, La’an begins feeling emotional towards Kirk with whom she had a relationship in an alternate timeline. She goes to her quarters and sings about becoming a different person who takes chances.
Growing up gay in Alabama, whether I fully realized that’s what made me different at the time or not, made me hesitant to ever “say whatever, whenever” I like. When you’re closeted, you have to choose your words and mannerisms carefully to hide your true self, because as the song says, “In my defense / The truth has a consequence.” For La’an, it’s her heritage of being a descendant of one of Earth’s most villainous dictators and whether or not that means the same evil lives within her. For me, it was whether or not anyone would accept me, or would I lose everything if I came out?
I was considered very intelligent as a kid, some people still think I am, so when La’an sang, “You’d presume with all my mastery / To pursue flights of fancy, easy / Who am I kidding, I’ve never found that part of me / ‘Cause I’m designed to color inside the lines,” it felt like she was singing about my own story. I always felt that I could not be the real me. I didn’t even know who the real me was, so I did not pursue my “flights of fancy” about being attracted to other guys. I never let myself find that part of me; it was too hidden away because of the shame I was made to feel. So, I kept to what was expected of me and colored “inside the lines.” I studied hard because I wasn’t able to show my “masculinity” by playing sports. I was not athletic, so I had to fall back on my brains. I was a very serious kid. I was “Cool and methodical / Way too responsible.” I remember looking at other people who really enjoyed having romantic partners and I felt like I was peeking “through a keyhole and see people happy” when I was not. If I was free to be me, “How would that feel?”
I eventually came to understand that I could be happy if I changed “my paradigm / If only I can let go of the wheel / My fear replaced with total faith / I’m fiercely free and really real,” but I never felt like that was my reality. I could not be free, nor could I be real, my true self. I couldn’t watch my life “spin out of control” because I did not “have the chance” at that happiness. Once I came out to myself, I could come out to others, but as the song says, “This all makes me so uncomfortable.” I wanted to let go, be vulnerable, be myself, but was I? I had never “met that side of me” because I’d never allowed myself to be “fiercely free and really real.” I felt like if I ever allowed myself to meet that side of me, then my whole life might “spin out of control.”
The only part of the song that I didn’t fully identify with is:
In another time we had a life together Could time repeat Or will it unravel? Be careful what you start Make one mistake and blow it all apart Or worse Break my own heart Who am I kidding, I’ve never found that part of me
I have to admit though, I have always wondered about the possibility of reincarnation. Catholics believe in purgatory (the condition, process, or place of purification or temporary punishment in which, according to medieval Christian and Roman Catholic belief, the souls of those who die in a state of grace are made ready for heaven.) What if purgatory was actually previous lives we live. Religions, even some sects of Christianity, and especially the Indian religions such as Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and Sikhism, have reincarnation as the central tenet of their faith. When the soul is passed from one being to the next until reaches cumulative virtues allows it to finally ascend into paradise. I could definitely get very metaphysical about this verse of the song, but this verse is more about La’an’s emotions towards Kirk who she has had a relationship in an alternate timeline. La’an knows that if she tells Kirk about her feelings, it could change the course of history, so she knows she cannot be herself and let her emotions out.
Ultimately, by the end of the song, La’an decides that she can’t allow herself to be who she is and take the steps to make try to make a better life for herself. She feels that she must keep everything bottled up inside.For many gay men out there, the dream of coming out never feels like it can become reality. This was the case for me for a long time. In some ways, I still hold myself back and think, “It’s nice to dream that I could change my mind” and let go a little more in an effort to make myself happy. I’m still resisting letting go completely because “Deep down, I know / I will never let go / My fear is staked,” and in some ways, I know that “Contented freedom is not real.” I will continue to work on who I want to be and try to be more comfortable with who I am. I have come a long way in fully accepting myself, even if I sometimes feel that I held myself back too long and now it’s too late to ever find that person who is meant for me to spend my life with. I still wonder “How would that feel?” to finally let go, allow myself to fly blind and not try to control everything. Could I “let go of the wheel” and create a better life for myself by letting go of my past and just be “really real.”
You might find my thoughts on this song silly, but I think we all have a song that speaks to our soul. It may not have meant to tell our personal story, but when we really look at the words and put it in a different context, then it fits. To me, that’s the makings of a truly great song. It’s a song that may have been made to be seen in a particular context, but it speaks to you in a way that the writer never considered. Poetry is oftentimes the same way. It’s up to our own interpretation. For me, that song is “How Would That Feel” because it feels like my personal story. I can’t help but belt it out when I listen to it, and I am sure all of you are very glad you have never had to hear me sing this song to the top of my lungs as I am driving down the road.
It looks like it’s going to be one of those Mondays; probably, one of those week. I slept later than usual this morning. So right away, I’m feeling a bit rushed. If I was going to sleep late a day this week, I’d rather it be tomorrow or Wednesday, the two mornings this week I have medical appointments. On Tuesday, I have a 9:30 am appointment with my primary doctor, so I won’t go into work until after my appointment. On Wednesday, I have a 10 am appointment for my next round of Botox treatments for my migraines. So, on those days, I’d have had a lot more time to laze around in bed a little longer than usual; however, I know that while I may have overslept this morning, it rarely happens and almost never happens when I actually have extra time to sleep in.
I mentioned it’s going to be one of those weeks, well that’s because I’m on two different search committees to hire positions at the university. I have a number of applications to go over and will be conducting interviews all week. In other words, it going to be busy with doctor appointments and search committee work.
I hope everyone has a great and more relaxing week and has a wonderful Monday!
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of The Lord.
Ephesians 6:1-4
Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. Buy truth, and do not sell it; buy wisdom, instruction, and understanding. The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him. Let your father and mother be glad; let her who bore you rejoice.
Proverbs 23: 22-25
I know there are at least a few dads out there who read my blog, maybe even two gay dads out there raising sons and/or daughters, and I want to wish you a very Happy Father’s Day. Just like mothers, fathers can drive us crazy. Most of us may not have been as close to our fathers as maybe we should have been or should be, but all of us have a father somewhere. Besides wishing you fathers out there a Happy Father’s Day, I also wanted to tell you about my father.
We are very different in so many ways. He is very outdoorsy: he hunts, fishes, and constantly works outdoors. I was always a bookworm who liked books better than sports. I’ve learned to like the outdoors: I walk nature trails, I like to hike, and I even like to fish occasionally. Whereas my father worked outside all his life, I prefer to work inside, research, writing, teaching, etc. There are a lot of other differences as well. We can generally have a conversation for about 15-20 minutes before we get into some type of argument. My father has never felt I was right about anything. I can be agreeing with him, and he will fuss at me for agreeing with him. No matter what I say, he will say the opposite. One example is that I once made a remark about a house being painted white (it used to be gray). He argued with me that the house was painted gray, just a lighter shade. Everyone else I know says the house is white, but he still says that it is gray. Often he tells me that I am not a very pleasant person to be around. It’s odd because, as far as I know, he’s just about the only person I know who feels that way. It’s that sort of thing that drives me crazy. Needless to say, we barely get along. I love him, but I don’t like him. He can be very cruel and frustrating.
To switch gears a little bit, I want to tell you also how great my father can be without me ever knowing it. This is part of the reason that I forgive so much of the misery he causes me. When my parents found out I was gay, it was a very traumatic experience for all concerned. My mother had suspected for quite a while and was very nosy. She checked my email. She didn’t like some of the emails that she saw. Most of them, if not all, were fairly innocent, but there were some, like an ad from Showtime about “Queer as Folk” and maybe another one from gay.com. I was over at my grandmother’s checking on her when my mother called me and confronted me about it. I was tired of denying it. All of my friends knew, so why shouldn’t she. I knew she wouldn’t like it. She had confronted me several years before about it, and I denied it then. I wasn’t ready, and to make sure that I never was, my mother told me, “If you would rather have a dick up your ass, than be part of this family, then leave. We will have nothing more to do with you.” When this time came around, we got into a huge argument. I yelled, she yelled, and I left. I was still dependent on them for some things, but I could live without them. My mother went to bed and cried for the next two weeks. By the way, this all happened two days before Christmas while I was home on Christmas break. My mother did get up and do the family things the holiday required but was very cold toward me the whole time. When my father got home, he talked to my mother about what was wrong. She told him. She tells him everything. This was one of the times when he sided with me.
He told my mother that I was their child. She could not stop loving me just because she did not agree with my “lifestyle.” He would continue to love me, and she would have to do the same. No matter what his children did, they would still love them (it may have helped that my sister married a complete and total jackass, who doesn’t physically abuse her, but abuses her mentally). Then he came and talked with me. He told me that he didn’t care what I told my mother, but to tell her something or she would die in that bed in there (you don’t know my mother, but she would have). Then he told me what surprised me the most, “I should have taught you how to fight the urges. I am sorry that I failed you.” It is the only time my father ever apologized to me for anything. I never asked about the “urges,” but I am pretty sure I know what he was talking about. I think he knew exactly how I felt, and it may be why he is such a miserable person. Maybe, he had been there himself, but he had chosen a different path. This may be why they still believe it is a choice. But I see the misery in him almost every day. I went to my parents and told them both that I was celibate and would remain that way, that I had never acted on my sexuality (yes, it was a lie, but it was one I think was and still is for the better, even though I hate lying more than anything). They made me promise that I would not tell anyone else in the family, and I have agreed to that. Eventually, I told my niece, who came out as transgender. Our family has become a “Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t discuss” zone. It is not my preference, but it is what I must deal with for the time being. If I ever find a man to live my life with, I will deal with the other consequences then. I don’t think I could hide from my family the love of my life (if he ever comes along). My mother continues to be the queen of denial and believes I will find the right girl and get married someday.
They still consider my being gay a lifestyle choice. I never will. I don’t believe I would have chosen to be gay. I would have chosen to live a more open life, but that is mostly not possible where I lived back then. I have a different job now and live 1200 miles away. I am far happier being open and honest about my sexuality. I know what makes me happy, and after a lot of prayer and meditation, God told me that love is what matters most in this world. I came to understand that if I lived a lie and married a woman, I would make her and my life miserable (somewhat like my father has). If I was going to be alone, then I would be alone. At least I wouldn’t be hurting someone else. I realize that some people had more pressures to get married and have a family and come out later in life. I do not fault them for that. It was a different time and/or different circumstances. But in this day and age, I felt I could not lie to myself or anyone else and spend a large portion of my life as a lie.
Joe
The Closet Professor 