I began my life in the South and for five years lived as a closeted teacher, but am now making a new life for myself as an oral historian in New England. I think my life will work out the way it was always meant to be. That doesn't mean there won't be ups and downs; that's all part of life. It means I just have to be patient. I feel like October 7, 2015 is my new birthday. It's a beginning filled with great hope. It's a second chance to live my life…not anyone else's.
My profile picture is "David and Me," 2001 painting by artist Steve Walker. It happens to be one of my favorite modern gay art pieces.
Cento Between the Ending and the End By Cameron Awkward-Rich
Sometimes you don’t die
when you’re supposed to
& now I have a choice
repair a world or build
a new one inside my body
a white door opens
into a place queerly brimming
gold light so velvet-gold
it is like the world
hasn’t happened
when I call out
all my friends are there
everyone we love
is still alive gathered
at the lakeside
like constellations
my honeyed kin
honeyed light
beneath the sky
a garden blue stalks
white buds the moon’s
marble glow the fire
distant & flickering
the body whole bright-
winged brimming
with the hours
of the day beautiful
nameless planet. Oh
friends, my friends—
bloom how you must, wild
until we are free.
About This Poem
“‘Cento Between the Ending and the End’ is composed of language scavenged from the works of Justin Phillip Reed, Hieu Minh Nguyen, Fatimah Asghar, Kaveh Akbar, sam sax, Ari Banias, C. Bain, Oliver Bendorf, Hanif Abdurraqib, Safia Elhillo, Danez Smith, Ocean Vuong, Franny Choi, Lucille Clifton, and Nate Marshall. All of whom have made for me a world and for whom I wish the world.”—Cameron Awkward-Rich
Cameron Awkward-Rich is the author of Sympathetic Little Monster (Ricochet Editions, 2016), which was a finalist for a Lambda Literary Award. He is a Cave Canem fellow, a poetry editor for Muzzle Magazine, and his second collection of poetry, Dispatch, was published by Persea Books in December 2019.
Also a critic, Cameron earned his Ph.D. from Stanford University’s program in Modern Thought & Literature, and he is an assistant professor of Women, Gender, Sexuality Studies at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. Currently, he is working on a book about maladjustment in trans literature and theory.
Just a quick FYI: “Cento” is a piece of writing, especially a poem, composed wholly of quotations from the works of other authors. (I did not know this until I looked it up.)
I am not making any New Year’s resolutions this year. As I wrote yesterday, “As 2020 ends and 2021 begins, I think we would be better off realizing that there is hope for a better future. Too often, we make careless resolutions that are never kept, and so one year blends into the next with little change.” In the past, I have resolved to lose weight, work out more, and be more organized. This past year, I have lost weight, which I am proud of, but I haven’t worked out more.
For one thing, there are no regular gyms in the area. We have a Planet Fitness and a Snap Fitness, but neither are particularly close. They are both in another town. When I was in graduate school, I used to enjoy working out. I had someone I regularly worked out with, and even when we didn’t go together, I liked going. To be truthful, it wasn’t as much about working out. I liked being able to use the locker room and the sauna. Usually, there weren’t many guys in the locker room, and rarely did anyone use the open showers but opted for the showers stalls with curtains. There were often guys in the sauna, most wore a towel, but others did not, especially the international students. This was the university’s fitness center, so when there were guys in the locker room, they were all about my age or a few years younger, but they were all over eighteen. Faculty had their own locker room. There was always eye candy inside and outside the locker room, so I got to work out and check out other guys. It was fun. I don’t work out at our university fitness center because the cadets at our school are very fit and handsome, and I’d just feel out of place. Plus, it’s not a very attractive gym because it is in the basement of one of the buildings. I miss getting the chance to see hot guys in the locker room. It proved to be a good motivation.
So while I’d like to work out more and lose more weight, I will probably just do my best to get more organized. I may have become slightly more organized this past year, but not by much. The most organizing I have done was downloading an app called “AnyList” to collect recipes and make shopping lists. I have the app linked to my laptop, iPad, and iPhone, and I can add recipes from the internet that I want to save and create recipes of my own. It also allows me to choose a recipe and add the ingredients to a shopping list. It also has a feature for meal plans, which I don’t use as often. I also downloaded another app called “Glucose – Blood Sugar Tracker” to keep up with my morning blood sugar readings. You can keep track of numerous health-related things in this app, but I mostly use it for my blood sugar, weight, and blood pressure. It also allows me to save to a spreadsheet these readings. Since I downloaded this app, I have gotten much better at keeping up with my blood sugar and weight, and to a lesser extent, my blood pressure.
So, while I am not making any resolutions this year, I am hoping to accomplish a few things I want to do to better my life. I hope 2021 is a better year for all of us.
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, this person is a new creation; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
—2 Corinthians 5:17
As I write this, I am sitting here thinking about how this year has been a tough year for all of us. Millions have lost loved ones. Many have lost their job. Others are worrying about where their next meal will come from. Some have lost all hope. There is no doubt that this has been a year of sorrow for much of the world, but God assures us that better things are to come. In Romans 8:18, Paul says, “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” In Romans 8, Paul is continuing to develop his theme of Christian assurance, which he started in Romans 5. Paul elaborates on the Christian’s hope of glory, based on the knowledge that God has determined to bring us glory in the next life.
As this year comes to a close and there is hope on the horizon for an end to this pandemic, 2021 will be a time for starting over and a new beginning. The end of this horrible year is a wonderful time to take stock of life and look for ways to improve and grow. In many ways, we have put life on hold for the past nine months, but 2021 holds so much hope and promise for us. The dictator-wannabe in the White House will soon be evicted, and president-elect Joe Biden will usher in an era of hope, healing, and renewal.
This time of year is when we usually make resolutions, but as 2020 ends and 2021 begins, I think we would be better off realizing that there is hope for a better future. Too often, we make careless resolutions that are never kept, and so one year blends into the next with little change. This year, we have seen a great deal of change in our lives. For example, we wear masks when we are out in public to protect others and ourselves from COVID-19. We practice social distancing. I think about how shocking it is to see someone out and about without a mask or how uncomfortable and aggravated I become when someone stands too close to me in line. We still have months to go before we return to any semblance of normal life, but we can look forward to a leader who will call for national unity and ask for all Americans to help each other out by following health guidelines.
While I don’t have any specific resolutions this year except to look hopeful for the future, we all still have areas in our lives that could stand some improvement. As this new year begins, let us look at our lives with honesty, sincerity, and openness. Let us approach change with a positive spirit and work toward finding ways to become the people God wants us to be. Most importantly, ask the Lord for guidance and strength, for it is through His power that we can conquer our failings and turn them into strengths. God can see us both as we are and as we can be, and we need that sight to truly change and better ourselves. He has a great and abiding love for His children. Rejoice in the love of God. He has given us a new year, desires to provide us with a new life, and present us with new hope in the months ahead.
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.
—Luke 2:1-20
For most of American history, Christmas was not a celebrated holiday, especially here in New England. In the early 17th century, a wave of religious reform changed the way Europeans celebrated Christmas. When Oliver Cromwell and his Puritan forces took over England in 1645, they vowed to rid England of decadence and canceled Christmas as part of their effort. By popular demand, Charles II was restored to the throne and, with him came the return of the popular holiday. The pilgrims were English separatists that came to America in 1620 and even more orthodox in their Puritan beliefs than Cromwell. As a result, Christmas was not a holiday in early America. From 1659 to 1681, Boston outlawed the celebration of Christmas. Anyone exhibiting the Christmas spirit was fined five shillings. By contrast, in the Jamestown settlement, Captain John Smith reported that Christmas was enjoyed by all and passed without incident. After the American Revolution, English customs fell out of favor, including Christmas. In fact, Christmas wasn’t declared a federal holiday until June 26, 1870.
It wasn’t until the 19th century that Americans began to embrace Christmas. Americans re-invented Christmas and changed it from a raucous carnival holiday of the Middle Ages into a family-centered day of peace and nostalgia. The early 19th century was a period of class conflict and turmoil. During this time, unemployment was high, and gang rioting by the disenchanted classes often occurred during the Christmas season. In 1828, the New York city council instituted the city’s first police force in response to a Christmas riot, which inspired certain members of the upper classes to begin to change the way Americans celebrated Christmas.
In 1819, best-selling author Washington Irving wrote The Sketch Book of Geoffrey Crayon, Gent., commonly referred to as The Sketch Book, is a collection of 34 essays and short stories. It was published serially throughout 1819 and 1820. The collection includes two of Irving’s best-known stories, attributed to the fictional Dutch historian Diedrich Knickerbocker: “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” and “Rip Van Winkle.” It also marks Irving’s first use of the pseudonym Geoffrey Crayon, which he would continue to employ throughout his literary career. In the fifth installment of The Sketchbooks, Irving features Squire Bracebridge, who invited peasants into his home for the holiday. In the first story, simply titled “Christmas,” Crayon reflecting on the meaning of Christmas and its celebration. The second story in the collection, “The Stage-Coach,” tells of Crayon’s ride with the Bracebridge children to their country manor, Bracebridge Hall, where he is invited to stay for Christmas. In the next story, “Christmas Eve,” Crayon celebrates the holiday at Squire Bracebridge’s home. It is followed by “Christmas Day,” which details Christmas festivities—allegedly in the old tradition—continue at Bracebridge Hall. The third story about the Bracebridge Christmas is “Christmas Dinner,” in which Crayon enjoys old English hospitality at the Bracebridge Christmas dinner table.
These stories portrayed an idealized and old-fashioned Yule celebration at an English country manor. Irving’s stories depicted harmonious warm-hearted English Christmas customs he observed while staying in Aston Hall, Birmingham, England. In contrast to the problems faced in American society, the upper class and peasants mingled effortlessly. In Irving’s mind, Christmas should be a peaceful, warm-hearted holiday bringing groups together across lines of wealth or social status. Irving’s fictitious celebrants enjoyed “ancient customs,” including the crowning of a Lord of Misrule. Irving’s book, however, was not based on any holiday celebration he had attended. Many historians say that Irving’s account actually “invented” tradition by implying that it described the season’s authentic customs. Except for Pennsylvania German Settlers, who were enthusiastic celebrators of Christmas, Irving contributed to a revival of traditions in the United States. Charles Dickens later credited Irving as an influence on his own Christmas writings, including the classic A Christmas Carol.
Popular American customs include exchanging gifts, decorating Christmas trees, sending holiday cards, attending church, sharing meals with family and friends, and, of course, waiting for Santa Claus to arrive. None of these traditions are uniquely American but are actually the adoption of traditions from the variety of cultures that make up the melting pot that is the United States. As Americans began to embrace Christmas as a perfect family holiday, old customs were unearthed. People looked toward recent immigrants and Catholic and Episcopalian churches to see how the day should be celebrated. In the next 100 years after The Sketchbooks were published, Americans built a Christmas tradition all their own that included pieces of many other customs. Although most families quickly bought into the idea that they were celebrating Christmas how it had been done for centuries, Americans had re-invented a holiday to fill the cultural needs of a growing nation.
As Americans continue to embrace their cultural heritage, new traditions are continually being added. Christmas is a celebration of the Nativity—the birth of Jesus—but it is also a celebration of what makes America great: its vast diversity and amalgamation of cultures. This Christmas, let us not think of our differences but what we have in common. We have suffered a great deal this year, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
As Americans continue to embrace their cultural heritage, new traditions are continually being added. Christmas is a celebration of the Nativity—the birth of Jesus—but it is also a celebration of what makes America great: its vast diversity and amalgamation of cultures. This Christmas, let us not think of our differences but what we have in common. We have suffered a great deal this year, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
The legend of Santa Claus can be traced back to a monk named St. Nicholas, who was born in Turkey around 280 A.D. St. Nicholas gave away all of his inherited wealth and traveled the countryside helping the poor and sick, becoming known as the protector of children and sailors.
St. Nicholas first entered American popular culture in the late 18th century in New York, when Dutch families gathered to honor the anniversary of the death of “Sint Nikolaas” (Dutch for Saint Nicholas), or “Sinter Klaas” for short. “Santa Claus” draws his name from this abbreviation.
In 1822, Episcopal minister Clement Clarke Moore wrote a Christmas poem called “An Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas,” more popularly known today by its first line: “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas.” The poem depicted Santa Claus as a jolly man who flies from home to home on a sled driven by reindeer to deliver toys.
The iconic version of Santa Claus as a jolly man in red with a white beard and a sack of toys was immortalized in 1881 when political cartoonist Thomas Nast drew on Moore’s poem to create the image of Old Saint Nick we know today.
I like the version above a little better. I’d love a visit from this sexy Santa Claus tonight. His elves are welcomed too.
Joe
The Closet Professor 