I just need a mental health break from everything. I still have to work today, but I wish I could stay at home, shut everything off, and just be alone. I can’t do it, but I wish I could.

“Death warmed over” is a phrase my mother used to use. It basically means you feel like crap. I had been advised to get a second booster for the COVID vaccine, so, I made an appointment and on Tuesday, I went to the local CVS and got my shot. The shot itself was a bit deceiving as I never even felt it. I only knew she’d given it to me because she put a bandaid on my arm. By the time. Got to my car, my arm was hurting, but that was all the side effects I had for the rest of the evening. Then, I woke up yesterday morning. I had read that reactions to the second booster would likely be similar to the first booster. Back when I had the first one in October, I had a fever, chills, body aches, and a severe headache. It was made worse by the fact that it can get cold in October in Vermont, and my former landlords had not yet turned on the heat. I felt like I was going to freeze to death. This time, I went through the fever, chills, body aches, and a severe headache during one of the hottest day I have seen in Vermont since I moved up here nearly seven years ago. Mostly, I had to keep the air conditioner and my fans off because I had chills with the fever. I did have to turn on the air conditioner a few times because I felt like the inside of my body was freezing and the outside was just radiating heat. I basically just slept off an on all day. With the headache, I could barely concentrate enough to watch television. Usually these reactions only last for twenty-four hours, so I’m praying to God that I feel better when I wake up this morning.

For most of last week, I did not have a major headache. I still had some head pain, but that comes along with having trigeminal neuralgia and chronic migraines. I have an app on my phone called Migraine Buddy that helps me keep up with my migraines. It lets me track the intensity, the location of the pain, any medication I take, and a host of other factors. I did not have a headache significant enough to log in my Migraine Buddy app. This was quite wonderful as it had been about three months since I went a day without a migraine.

I knew Saturday morning that my luck was running out. I saw an aura early Saturday morning. Luckily, no major migraine materialized, though it was like I could feel it knocking and wanting in. Sort of like when Isabella wants me to wake up, so she just barely touches me with one claw out to wake me. She knows it drives me crazy. When I went to bed Saturday night, I thought I’d dodged a bullet and no headache was coming. How wrong I was! 

I woke up yesterday morning with an intense migraine covering the whole left side of my head and continued down my neck and shoulder. I also had trigeminal neuralgia pain on the front right side of my face. I got up anyway and fed Isabella and made my own breakfast. I watched some TV, but eventually got up and took a nice long shower hoping that it would help. It didn’t. I decided to go back to bed. The sun was very bright and even with my blinds closed, it was too much light, so I put on my sleep mask. I woke up an hour or so later, and I felt marginally better. 

I did some laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and eventually made lunch. After lunch, I went back to bed for a while. At times throughout the day, I had a break in the storm that was this head pain, but each time it came back, it was stronger than ever. If you think of it like a hurricane, most of the day, I was getting the purer bands. As the storm rotated around, there were intense periods of pain followed my relative calm, though there was still an ominous feeling surrounding my head. By last night, Hurricane Migraine had stalled with my head firmly underneath the northeast quadrant of the hurricane. If you know much about hurricanes, you know that the right front quadrant (northeast corner) is usually the worst and most destructive part of the storm.

I had to take a sick day today. While my migraine might be slightly better, it’s gotten worse since I’ve been awake, and the photosensitivity is worse today. It’s going to be a dark day today. Thankfully, we are expecting rain, and the cloudiness will help control the amount of light I have to deal with.

Sometimes we all get overwhelmed. Earlier this week, I became a bit overwhelmed by work issues. I’ve always felt like I was non-essential, which worried me throughout the early part of the pandemic. Recently, though, I have felt a bit left out of the loop with some projects the museum has been developing. I am good at what I do and a better (and more professional) historian than my colleagues. While they were trained in museology, I was trained as a historian (and have a certificate in museum studies). However, I feel like they don’t value that knowledge. When I had gone above and beyond for the museum and stepped in when there was no one else to do the job, I have not been given any credit, which is one thing, but when the credit is given to someone else, it’s frustrating and infuriating. It is something that has become very stressful in my life.

Like many things in our lives, stress can become overwhelming, and I don’t always handle stress very well. Sometimes, it becomes too much, and I want to shut down or check out. Stress is among numerous factors and triggers for my migraines. Sometimes, I can step away from the situation, calm down, and think rationally. Once I’ve done that, then I can relax. We all need to relax sometimes and not let the stress of the world get to us. We should not view relaxation as merely a luxury. It must be considered an essential part of our overall well-being, healing process, and personal growth. When we relax, we replenish. When we replenish, we feel more capable. When we feel more capable, we shift from survival mode to growth mode.

Without relaxation, we end up just trying to stay afloat, which isn’t enough. Eventually, we will get worn out, which can cause a myriad of health issues, not just mentally but physically. Here’s my advice: if you are short on time, take a few minutes to close your eyes, breathe deeply, and clear your mind. I used to have problems “clearing my mind” until someone gave me some advice. They said, “Close your eyes and picture a blanket with all your worries piled on top. In your mind, take that blanket and bundle up all those things piled on the blanket. Then, imagine that bundle getting smaller and smaller until it disappears. You should then have a clear mind.” For the most part, that advice works for me.

If I have a longer amount of time, I might take a nap, but most often, I log onto Paramount+ and rewatch episodes of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I’ve seen the whole series a dozen or more times. It is my escape, my happy place. I can have it on, and it relaxes me, even if I am doing something else at the time. If you have an old favorite TV show you enjoy watching or even a book you enjoy reading, immerse yourself in that activity for a while. Sometimes, I like to cook. The more complicated the recipe, the better. You can also do something physical, like going for a walk, a run, or a swim. Exercise is a great way to clear the mind, get your endorphins flowing, and help you to feel better. 

There are also more intimate ways to relax. I was attending a staff retreat and the keynote speaker was talking about how to relieve stress through exercise. She was listing off things we could do to get exercise that was enjoyable. One of the suggestions was sex. She said, “If you enjoy having sex, have lots of it. It can be exercise too and get the blood pumping.” If you don’t have a partner, sex can also be a source of stress, but you can always take matters into your own hands. You know your own body more than anyone else.

Whatever you do, make sure it’s enjoyable. If you are in the middle of an activity and it’s not as enjoyable as you thought it would be, stop as soon as you can. Try something else instead, but don’t let it add to your stress. Have fun and let go of your worries for a while. Now, if I could just take my own advice.

Yesterday, just as I was stepping into the shower, I saw a migraine aura. People who deal with migraine aura experience visual, sensory or motor disturbances just before a migraine attack. This phenomenon usually lasts an hour or less, and symptoms may range from seeing sparks and zigzags to the inability to speak clearly. For me, it is mostly the sparks that I see, and it usually lasts just a few minutes. I don’t always see an aura before a migraine, but a migraine always begins sometime in the next twenty-four hours after the aura appears. 
When I was younger, the migraine began almost exactly 

When I was younger, the migraine began almost exactly twenty-four hours after I saw an aura. In the last few years, I normally have about thirty minutes to an hour before the migraine sets in. Yesterday’s was a slow progression. It started out mild, so I went to work and tried to work most of the day with my office lights off, but by mid afternoon, that wasn’t working for me anymore. The pain was intensifying and continued to get worse over the course of the evening. Eventually, I just went to bed.

Yesterday, I had an appointment at the Headache Clinic at Dartmouth. I discussed with my neurologist how this last round of Botox did not seem like it was effective at all. I knew there would come a point when Botox would no longer work, but I expected it to be years down the road, but since I had that abscessed tooth that triggered my trigeminal neuralgia, it hasn’t been able to be as effective as it was when I had the first treatments. My neurologist said that sometimes they have to do a reset on the Botox, i.e. step away from it for a few months and try something different, possibly going back to it in the future. She told me a long time ago that migraine treatments are a lot of trial and error.

For now, she increased the dosage of one of my medicines, and she wants me to try a new treatment called Vyepti. It is CGRP drug along the lines of Emgality or Aimovig, both of which I’ve tried. Emgality was moderately effective and cut my migraine days in half, but my neurologist didn’t think that was effective enough since I basically have daily migraines. When I tried the Aimovig, not only did it not prevent a single migraine, but the side effects were awful. Vyepti is similar to Emgality but not Aimovig. Also, Vyepti has been proven more effective in people who had moderate success with Emgality, plus it has relatively few side effects.

There’s two drawbacks: the method of delivery and expense. The drug can only be given through an IV, which takes about an hour, and it must be done at the hospital. Around here, that can only be done at Dartmouth. While the drug manufacturer has a cost savings program, it’s only for the medicine, not the cost of administering the medication. The Botox cost saving program reimbursed me for all costs associated with the Botox and its administration, which together is over $6600 before insurance. Furthermore, my insurance doesn’t cover this new treatment, but I’m sure they will after my neurologist appeals it. My insurance company denies everything, but Dartmouth has always been successful in their appeals.

The first administration of this new treatment is scheduled for August 1. *Fingers crossed* it works. I’ll let you know.

“Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise,” is one of the many sayings by Benjamin Franklin in Poor Richard’s Almanack. Last night was a night in which I went to bed early. I was not feeling well. I’d had a migraine all day and something I ate apparently didn’t agree with me and was giving me stomach cramps. So, I went to bed early, and I knew Isabella would have me up before the crack of dawn today. I am usually early-ish to bed (around 10 pm), and Isabella has me up around 5 am every morning. However, I am not sure it has made me “healthy, wealthy, and wise.” It has definitely not made me wealthy. I think it has made me somewhat healthier, but wiser, I am not sure about.

Anyway, I hope all of my American readers have a wonderful Independence Day Weekend. While I don’t have any plans for the weekend, I’d love to hear if you have plans. What are you up to this holiday weekend?

I love the rain, and one of the few things I miss about the South are the great big thunderstorms. Don’t bet me wrong, I do not miss the hurricanes and tornadoes, but I miss a good thunderstorm. It rarely rains very hard in Vermont, and when it does, it’s rare that I hear thunder r see lightning. As much as I love the rain, I have grown to dread it over the past year or so since I’ve had this problem with my trigeminal nerve. Weather changes, especially rain wreak havoc on my migraines. Yesterday was a rainy day in Vermont, and I woke with a headache. I went to work, but as the morning dragged on, my headache just got worse. So, I headed home. I told my student shadow not to come since I would not be there. I had several things I needed to do yesterday, but none of them were going to get done because of my headache. Also, the longer I was at the museum, the worse my headache became.

I went home and went to bed. The new blinds kept the light out nicely. Eventually, I got up and made a simple dinner. I stayed up to watch the first of the televised January 6th hearings. Did anyone else watch it? If so, what did you think? Watching the hearing did not help my headache, so I went to bed as soon as it ended. If I wake up this morning still with a headache, I won’t be going into work. We’ll see.

Sometimes, you just need a mental health break. A day to rest and recharge. So, that’s what I did yesterday. I took a mental health day. Technically, I took a sick day for a migraine, which was true. I had a migraine all day yesterday, but I also just need a day to myself with nothing to do. I went to my happy place, i.e., I lay on the couch and watched Star Trek all day. Normally, that means watching Deep Space Nine, but I decided instead to watch Discovery. I know a lot of Star Trek fans don’t like Discovery, and I usually watch episodes only once when it is released on Paramount+, but I decided to rewatch the last two seasons. I should have started from the beginning or at least watched season two, but I decided to start with after they traveled to the future.

I also watched Obi Wan Kenobi on Disney+. It’s a pretty good show. Actually, I think all three of the Star Wars series, The Mandalorian, The Book of Boba Fett, and now Obi Wan Kenobi, have all been very entertaining. I am not as big of a Star Wars geek as I am a Trekkie, but I’ve always enjoyed the original trilogy. The Han Solo movie was also pretty good. However, while Star Wars is just a story of good vs. evil, Star Trek is about hope for the future. That’s why I like to watch Star Trek when I just need to zone out, because even though it’s science fiction, I still find it very hopeful. I doubt we will make first contact by 2063, and I hope we don’t have WWIII before then either, but I find the ideals of the United Federation of Planets inspirational. Someday, maybe all of humanity really will believe in equality and forgo greed and hatred.

Anyone who suffers from depression and/or chronic pain, you know that there are good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. The headache pain seems never ending, or at least somedays it does. Lately, it seems that my headache medication is just not as effective anymore. Part of it may be the weather in Vermont has been fluctuating wildly. One day, it will be very warm; the next day, it may be 30 or more degrees cooler; and other days, it’s raining. All of these things affect my headaches. Atmospheric changes wreak havoc on my trigeminal neuralgia. I try not to let the pain get the better of me, but there are times that all I can do is surrender.

Then, there is the depression. Most days, my medication helps. Somedays, it also gets the better of me. Whether it’s worrying about my health or worrying about money, I have days when I feel hopeless and really depressed. Writing about my state of physical and mental health is much easier than telling a friend my problems out loud. It’s never been easy to talk to anyone, even very close friends, about what is bothering me.

I’m hoping today will be a better day. As I went to bed last night, I was seriously considering that I needed to take a mental health day today. Some days, you just can’t push through the pain, whether it’s mental or physical.