Over the past couple of years I have been suffering from cluster headaches. At first they went undiagnosed, but a doctor diagnosed me with them about 18 months ago. I went through the treatment to stop their cycle and eventually it worked for a time. Then they came back, but not as strong as before I was put on a daily dose of a preventive medicine. About a month or so ago, I went to a neurologist. At first he did not believe I had cluster headaches or migraines. I have both. However, he decided he might as well try treating me for the cluster headaches since I have medicine that will stop the migraines.

The first thing he did was triple the dose of my medicine. I had been prescribed too low of a dose and he brought it up to the recommended level. Since then, I have been cluster headache free. When I went to see the neurologist yesterday, he finally agreed that I must have had cluster headaches since the treatment was working so well. I still have headaches, sinus headaches and the occasional migraine, but I no longer have the never ending pain of the chronic cluster headaches. The relief from the cluster headaches is tremendous, but even more so, I feel relief at knowing for sure what has been wrong with me the last several years.

My depression has also eased with an increased dosage of my antidepressant. I feel better right now then I have in years. The depression isn’t gone. I still have blue days here and there are moments of intense sadness, but it is not a constant state of sadness that I experienced before the increased antidepressant. I’ve also seen a drop in my anxiety. I don’t feel panicked all the time. I am calmer.

I tend to hide my pain very well. For the past year, especially the past ten months, I have been absolutely miserable. I was in constant pain, mentally and physically. Most people wouldn’t know it though because I hid it the best I could. Over the past month with changes to my medication, I feel better than I have in quite some time. Please pray for me that the pain will stay away. I realize that there will be periodic bouts of loneliness, fatigue, and depression, but they are no longer constant like they were. I hope and pray that my pain won’t be coming back any time soon.

For the first time in quite some time I had a headache last night bad enough that I didn’t feel like blogging.

For some reason, I felt a bit blue last night. I don’t know what it was, but I had been feeling down since I left work. Work went well today, so I know that’s not the problem. I was really missing my friends and family last night. I wish it knew what triggered these episodes. It’s like a feeling of great sadness and longing. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel. I hate everything about myself. It’s a pity party, and I know it. I’ll be all right, I know, but the only solution for last night was to go to bed early and wake up hoping today is a better day.

I have another doctor’s appointment today. This time it is with a neurologist. It’s been many years since I’ve seen a neurologist. I’ve had tests run for my cluster headaches, but nothing ever came of them. Over the course of my life, I have been to many doctors and many specialists for my headaches, none of them have offered relief. The only relief I’ve ever gotten is with the medicine that my old doctor prescribed to help prevent the cluster cycles. While it greatly lessens the intensity of the cluster headaches, they haven’t completely gone away. There is still rarely a moment when I don’t have a headache. Luckily, they are no longer debilitating, but they are manageable. I wish I could be headache free, but I’ve come to the point that I doubt it will ever happen. At this point it seems to be more about managing the pain, which I’ve mostly learned to do, and not to concentrate on ending the pain, which I’m not sure is possible at this point. I’ve suffered with them for so long, I don’t know how I’d deal with being pain free.

I’m sure the headaches are also spurred on by my depression. I’m still waiting on a referral to a therapist. I’ve resigned to go, but I’m not thrilled about it. The last experience with therapy was not good, but maybe I can find one that will help.

After months of waiting, I finally get to see my new doctor today. There are a lot of things I want to talk to him about. I need to discuss my depression. While it has gotten better, I still have more depressed days than happy days. I also have some side effects of my antidepressants that I need to discuss with him. In addition to this, I need to fill him in on my headaches and how I have cluster headaches and migraines. Furthermore, I have been having a lot of back pain in the recent months, and I want to know his suggestions. Then there is always my hypertension and cholesterol.

I am excited about seeing my new doctor. His picture looks quite sexy (no that is not him above). Sexiness aside, I have questions though that I really want answered or at least discussed. This appointment is a “get to know me” appointment and not a physical. I expect to go back for a physical and to get some blood work done. It has been quite a while since I’ve been tested for STDs/STIs (whatever they call them these days). While I don’t believe I have anything, I do want to be tested and have a clean bill of health on that front. As a gay man, I believe it is important to be regularly tested and it is something I haven’t always done.

This will be the first doctor that is not connected to family. I did have one doctor in graduate school, but I rarely went to him. This will be the first time in my life that I am going to a doctor for regular health maintenance that either did not work with a family member or that my family did not go to also. It’s a new experience for me, and I hope it allows me to be freer and more open with this new doctor. I no longer have to worry that any private health issues would get back to my family. Not that healthcare laws allow that, but it’s always been a concern of mine.

I’ve always been a fan of Colby Melvin, both as a model and an activist. He has a lot of southern charm. Originally from Louisiana, Colby has a degree from Spring Hill College in Mobile, AL in Psychology and lived and went to school there for 4 years, then worked there for a year. Colby worked for the BP oil spill as a project manager in the command center. This position landed him a job for a maritime holding company that he lost when his boss found out he way gay. So he moved to Houston. It was in Houston that he began modeling.

I’ve written about Colby before, but it’s been a few years. You’ve probably seen Colby Melvin’s sexy photos, or sexy bathing suits, or sexy everything else he does. But you may not have seen his latest video where he talks about coping with depression. Many LGBT people deal with anxiety and depression. I do and Colby is no exception either.

“It’s taken me a lot of emotional strength to talk about some of these things,” he says, but adds that he’s gotten messages from other people going through hard times and wanted to be more honest. “I show you the fun parts of my life… I like to share the fun parts with you,” he said. But that’s not all of his life. “I have a platform to speak to over a million people and I sort of feel like it’s my responsibility to share this message. You might’ve noticed over the past couple months I’ve been kinda quiet. I’ve had a really rough summer.”

Apparently some scammer posed as a photographer and stole a ton of stuff from him, which is awful. But messages from fans got him through the tough time. But later in the video he got real: “Since as long as I can remember, I have personally struggled with mental health issues.” That’s why he participated in the Obamacare campaign a few years ago to get people enrolled with health care. “I’ve struggled with anxiety, ADHD and depression,” he said. “I know I’m not alone.”

From there, he explained that the fancy happy photos that he tends to post aren’t a true portrait of his life. “It’s very hard for me to say this but if I don’t then I might not be able to help someone else,” he said. “I have struggled with suicidal depression for a long time. It’s been really hard.”

Getting emotional, he moved into the familiar “It Gets Better” comforts, about how there’s help out there and you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. Hopefully he’s feeling better after his rough summer and has some nice folks around him who keep his spirits up. And hopefully you have that too.