“Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”

— Luke 12:6-7

We have probably all experienced periods of low self-esteem. We have insecurities in one form or another, but insecurity is not the same as humility. God’s word calls us to be humble. It calls us to have a humble heart, but humility is not about thinking lowly of ourselves. Whenever we start to view ourselves the way that God does, we start valuing and seeing our worth based on how God determines it. Instead of basing our confidence on how the world determines our worth. God has a purpose for all of us. Jeremiah 29:11says, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Ephesians 2:10 is one of the verses that tell us what God has planned for us, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” The Bible tells us that no matter what our plans are. Proverbs 19:21 says “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” God’s plan for us, whether it is something we recognize or not, is what guides us through life. It is through those plans that we find purpose, and having a purpose shows how much we are worth in God’s eyes. Trusting God’s plan can be difficult when there is so much unknown, but faith allows us to look past the unknown.

Whenever we spend time studying God’s word, listening to the truth, spending time in prayer, we stop determining our worth the way that the world does, and we start to determine our worth the way God does. Whenever we start to do that, feelings of insecurity or feelings of low self-esteem are going to diminish because you aren’t basing your worth the same way. Worldly self-esteem bases our worth on appearance, possessions, and accomplishments. Whether high or low, this kind of esteem is prideful, focuses on us, and doesn’t add value to our life. It minimizes our potential for growth and influence. On the other hand, self-image based upon the value God has placed on us is Christ-centered and goes far beyond what we can dream or imagine. If we are a believer who wants to be a leader, we must live as someone valued by God.

Isaiah 55:8-9 reminds us to put our complete trust in God because his ways and plans are always better than our own and to trust that everything included in His plan is for a greater good. Isaiah 55:8-9 says “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,’ says the Lord. ‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’”

If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout my life, it’s that God’s plans are always greater than my own. Growing up, I wanted to be a lawyer, so I went to college to study history and prepare for law school. However, I worked for a lawyer for several years in college and saw just how much lawyers who fight for the right things struggle. I realized that if I went to law school and racked up a huge debt, I would end up taking a job that would not be morally satisfying. When I did not get into the law school I wanted, I began looking at alternatives. I had always thought that even if I became a lawyer, I’d like to still teach. Eventually, I decided what I really wanted more than anything was to teach. My life took a different direction from the one I had planned.

I went to graduate school planning to get my master’s in history and find a teaching job. That did not work out as planned, and I decided to continue my studies and get my PhD. I wanted to be a college professor, and when I started this blog, I chose “The Closet Professor” as the title to reflect that. However, circumstances were against me, and I ended up teaching high school. Partly because of this, I did not finish my dissertation and therefore never got my PhD. I did not make much money as a teacher, but I was complacent and did not try for anything better, until one day I had to. I found myself with no teaching job. 

I was devastated, but I began to search for a new job. A position at a museum came open in Vermont, and I was perfectly qualified to fill it. After working there for three years, I found out that my job had always been a three-year grant position, and once again, I would be losing my job. However, through a series of fortunate events, my job changed to a teaching position at the museum, and I was also given the rank of assistant professor. Through a series of unfortunate events, I was able to leave my closeted life in conservative Alabama for an out and proud life in the more progressive state of Vermont. Now, I was a professor, and not closeted. The title of my blog is still a little off, but life has many twists and turns and while there were many unfortunate events along the way, I am happy where I am, and I believe this was where God wanted me to be.

I had numerous experiences in my life where the opposite of what I had wanted occurred, but it ended up being better in the long run. I’m sure, similar things have happened to all of us. We think we are on one track but find us on a different one altogether. Sometimes God gives us what we didn’t know we needed. At first, it can be hard to understand the reason why certain things happen to us, both good and bad. But in those moments, remember this: there’s a reason for everything. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. It might not always be our own plans that are being fulfilled; however, God’s plans for us will always be fulfilled. 

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that everything we endure is part of God’s plan for us. I know it can be nerve-wracking not knowing why things are happening to us, where we’re headed, or what our future holds, but what I can say is to completely trust that God will guide us and take care of us. As Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. So, when we are despondent, and we question our self-worth, remember that God give us purpose. He has a plan for us, and we are worth more than we can imagine. Psalm 139:14 says, “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.”

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have rejected him. For God does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

—1 Samuel 16:7

I’m sure we all see handsome men every day and think about how good-looking they are. It is often the outward appearance that makes us notice a person. Sometimes, we just catch a glimpse of them. You might see a guy running shirtless as you’re driving down the street. I love to people-watch. It’s always nice when you see an attractive person. Like most of us, I enjoy eye candy. Considering the pictures I post, that should be obvious. But, how often have you met a really attractive person, and they have a terrible attitude or personality. 

People too often judge the character and worth of someone by their outward appearance. If a person is tall, good-looking, well-built, and tastefully dressed, then he possesses physical qualities that we generally admire and respect. I personally love a guy with good hair and a nice smile. A nice behind isn’t too bad either. People often look at these beautiful people and seek them as leaders, if nothing else than leaders in fitness or fashion. Whatever we see outwardly in a person, God has the unique ability to see inside a person. God knows our true character because he “looks at the heart.”

In 1 Samuel 16, the time had come for Samuel to go to the house of Jesse in Bethlehem to anoint Israel’s next king. As Samuel looked at Jesse’s oldest son, Eliab, Samuel was impressed with what he saw and said in 1 Samuel 16:6,  “Surely the Lord’s anointed is before Him!” But God told Samuel in the next verse, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have rejected him. For God does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Saul, Israel’s first king, was tall and handsome. Samuel may have been looking for someone like Saul, and Eliab’s appearance was said to be quite striking. But God had a different man in mind to anoint as Israel’s king. The Lord had earlier revealed to the prophet in 1 Samuel 13:14 that “The Lord has sought for Himself a man after His own heart.” Samuel looked at all seven of Jesse’s older sons, but the Lord rejected them all as His choice for king. God was looking for one who had a faithful heart. David, Jesse’s youngest son, whom they had not even bothered to call, was out tending the sheep. After Samuel passed over the other sons, they sent for David, and the Lord said in 1 Samuel 16:12 “Arise, anoint him; for this is the one!” David was God’s choice—imperfect but faithful, a man after God’s heart. Although the Bible says in the first part of 1 Samuel 16:12 that David was “ruddy, with bright eyes, and good-looking,” David was not considered a striking figure. But David had developed a heart after God. In his time alone in the fields, shepherding the flocks, David had come to know God as his Shepherd (see Psalm 23).

Appearances can be deceiving. The outward appearance doesn’t reveal what people are really like. Physical looks don’t show us a person’s value, character, integrity, or faithfulness. Outward qualities are, by definition, superficial. Moral and spiritual considerations are far more important to God and should be more important to us. God looks at the heart. The heart in the Bible is a person’s inner, moral, and spiritual life. Proverbs 4:23 explains, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.” The heart is the core, the inner essence of who we are. Luke 6:45 says, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good, and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” God knows our true selves, and His perspective is higher, deeper, and wiser than ours.

King David was far from perfect. He committed adultery and murder (2 Samuel 11). But God saw in David a man of deep, abiding faith who was wholly committed to the Lord. We do not have to be perfect to be a faithful Christian. In David, God saw a man who would depend on the Lord for strength and guidance. God saw a man who would recognize his sin and failure and who would repent and ask the Lord for forgiveness. God saw in David a man who loved his Lord; a man who worshiped his Lord with all his being; a man who experienced God’s forgiveness, and came to understand the depths of God’s love for him. God saw a man with a sincere and personal relationship with his Creator. When God looked at the heart of David, He saw a man after His own heart. Acts 13:22 says, “And when He had removed him, He raised up for them David as king, to whom also He gave testimony and said, ‘I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after My own heart, who will do all My will.’”

Like Samuel, we can’t see what the Lord sees, and we must rely on Him for wisdom. And we can trust that, when God looks at our hearts, He sees our faithfulness, our true character, and our value as individuals. Sometimes, a person’s outer appearance doesn’t match their inner appearance. Then again, he might just be having a bad day. The point is, that we can’t judge a person by their appearance. We shouldn’t be judging people at all. God is who sees who we truly are. The inner person often comes out in someone when it is too late to see how rotten they are inside. Hate and misery will rot a person from the inside, but love and happiness will allow our inner beauty to shine, no matter what our outward appearance shows.

Now faith is the realization of things hoped for, the confidence of things not seen.

–Hebrews 11:1

Dictionary.com defines faith as a strong or unshakeable belief in something, especially without proof or evidence. The Bible defines faith as in  Hebrews 11:1 where we see that the central feature of faith is confidence or trust. In the Bible, the object of faith is God and his promises. Genuine biblical faith expresses itself in everyday life. In James 2:17, James tells us “Faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” In James 2:24, he goes on to say “You see then that a man is justified by works, and not by faith only.”

Faith works through love to produce tangible evidence of its existence in a person’s life. In Galatians 5:6, Paul writes, “For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision avails anything, but faith working through love.” Put another way, the obedience that pleases God comes from faith. Romans 1:5 says, “Through Him, we have received grace and apostleship for obedience to the faith among all nations for His name.” If we live selflessly and show kindness and generosity to others, we show our faith through our good works.

Sometimes, we put our faith in something, such as the rule of law. We have faith that the U.S. Constitution will guarantee we remain a free and democratic country. However, if we go by faith alone, that’s not going to be true. To make it happen, we have to go vote and vote for a candidate that upholds the virtues of the Constitution. The Preamble of the Constitution says, “We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.” However, we cannot just live as though these words will protect us. We have to actively pursue these ideals, whether it is at the ballot box, by writing those who represent us in Congress, or by petitions and protests.

Just as James wrote that faith without works is dead, we cannot take it on faith that democracy will survive any more than Christianity will survive through only faith. The United States has more people who do not believe in religion than people who do. It is because our churches have relied on incorrect and dogmatic representations of faith that do not follow Christ’s teachings. They push out and persecute those who do not conform to their narrow interpretations of God. How many LGBTQ+ individuals do you know who still have faith in God? The number is not the majority of the LGBTQ+ community and that is because they have been consistently persecuted by churches and family and “friends” who do not follow what Christ actually taught. They are not accepting of the fact that we are how God made us. They cannot believe in their narrow minds that God created someone who they think is wrong and so they persecute what they do not understand and what causes them fear. They fear a loss of control of the mind, body, and soul. Because of this, people have lost their faith because the “faith” of others is not backed up by their works.

So remember, we have to work to show our faith in what we do, how we live, and how we treat others. If we do not do that, how can others have faith in our beliefs?

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.

—James 1:14-15

I’m going to be honest, I have had some “sinful thoughts” over the past week, especially after an assassination attempt on the former president and the Republican National Convention being held. I admit, I often have unkind thoughts when I think of Republicans. I think we are on the precipice of either retaining democracy or slipping into fascism. It is happening around the world, and so far, countries have chosen democracy. I think you can imagine the kinds of thoughts I had after the events of the last week or so, and I’m talking more than just yelling “Lying son of a bitch” at the TV when a Republican is spouting either insincere compassion or outright lies.

In 1976, Jimmy Carter was running for president, He shocked voters when he admitted during a Playboy magazine interview that he had “looked on a lot of women with lust” and “committed adultery in my heart many times.” Carter narrowly won his White House bid, but he would later say that public outrage over his confession “nearly cost me the election.” Carter probably had in mind Matthew 5:27-28 in which Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” I think all of us can probably say that every time we look at someone with lust or have unkind thoughts about someone, then we are all in a handbasket on our way to hell. I have never believed that just thinking of committing a sin was an actual sin. I think we know enough about psychology to know that we cannot always control our thoughts.

So, when is it considered a sin if we only think about committing a sin but do not commit the actual sin? Sins can indeed be committed both in our minds and by our actions. Jesus said in Matthew 5:21-22, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’[Empty head] shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire.” We can sin in our minds: for example by being angry with someone, but the simple thoughts are not enough to be a sin. I believe that the anger Jesus spoke of is the anger that causes us to treat someone unfairly and to show them our anger, not just having angry thoughts about them. Over the weekend, I certainly had some angry thoughts when I kept getting emails from work demanding that I answer them ASAP, especially when I did not consider the matter something that could not wait until Monday, but I never responded in an email what I was actually thinking because it would have been hurtful to a person that I know is under a great deal of stress. Still, I am not going to work on a weekend if I am not getting paid to do so. In Matthew 5:21-22, Jesus said a person can commit the sin of murder both by action and by becoming angry. For the anger motivates the action. 

God restates this principle in a different way in Matthew 5:27-28 quoted above that Carter used as his reasoning for committing adultery in his heart. It is an illustration most people understand. We see someone and start thinking about that person because we are sexually attracted to them. The Greek word for “looks” in verse 28 is a present participle in the Greek language. That means the person continues thinking sexually or lusting about the person. The message of Jesus is that sin does not occur if we look, are sexually attracted, and continue thinking about the person. That is not a sin. But if we look and obsessively think lustful thoughts about the person to the point of neglecting other things, then we sin in our minds or hearts. That is, a thought or an emotion occurs and if we do not control our thoughts, it results in adultery. That is the message of Jesus. Both passages from Matthew are great illustrations of how sin occurs.

It is not a sin to be quickly angry. It is not a sin to be sexually attracted to someone. It is not a sin to think that a man is handsome or has great character and that he might be a very romantic husband. It is not a sin to be physically attracted to a woman. But if a married man or woman goes further and starts dreaming about having sex, being kissed, or having sex with someone other than his or her spouse to the point when they neglect their spouse, then he or she has sinned. James reveals that sin does not occur when the emotion, thought, or passion first comes. But if those thoughts lead to passive or active responses, then sin occurs when we give in to the emotion, thought, or passion by dwelling on it and allowing it to affect how we handle things in life outside of our thoughts. That is Jesus’ message in Matthew 15:18-19 when He says, “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.”

So, how should we respond to temptations to sin? God gave Cain the answer in Genesis 4:7. He said, “If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it.” That is, sin wants to force us to do what it wants. Sin is a desire that wants us to yield to it. So, what will you do? A person sins by dwelling on something to the point of leading to some action on the thoughts that God has told us to avoid. When we sin on the outside or outwardly, we demonstrate to God, to others, and to ourselves that we have already sinned on the inside. God has asked us to resist the temptation to sin by fleeing from it. We are not supposed to see how close we can come without sinning. Fleeing starts with avoiding thoughts about sin. Second Timothy 2:22 says, “Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”

So, while I may have thought about a certain bullet being two inches to the right, I would never actually do anything to encourage someone else or do anything myself to make that happen. That is the difference between thinking a sin and committing a sin. It is the action we take. The only actions I will take are to speak out against the fascist rhetoric in politics, point out the hypocrisy when someone insincerely calls for unity and peace while in the next breath spewing hateful speech, and vote against those people on election day. These are the actions that are just. These are the actions that Jesus calls on us to take. We are to do lawful things and in line with His teachings, no matter what our brains cause us to think. When sinful thoughts reflect back on us because of the way we act, then we have committed that sin, but if we take action to not fall prey to the temptation of our thoughts, then we are not sinning in the eyes of God.

Then He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.”

—Matthew 4:19

The phrase “fishers of men” was spoken by Jesus when He was calling His first two disciples, Simon Peter and Andrew, to follow Him. The idea behind fishing is to know the fish you are looking for and attract it so you can make the catch. To catch a fish we must know what equipment to use, the habitat and depth of the water we are fishing in, as well as the kind of bait the fish will go after. Growing up, I used to love to go fishing. I never really had the patience to fish for catfish or other fish who are slow to bite a hook, but I loved fishing for bream. If you found the right spot, all you had to do was bate the hook, drop it in the water and they would bite. You did not need a fancy rod or reel; all it took was some bate and a cane pole. Being a fisher of men is more difficult, and I am not talking about looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now.

Jesus wants us to be fishers of men. To be a fisher of men in the simplest terms means to win people to Christ. This means to share the gospel and to ask them if they want to receive it. I know that is very basic and there are different methods you can use to try to win people to Christ. I have always believed that the best way to attract others to the love of Christ is to live by his example. The Apostle Paul lived by Christ’s example. In Philippians 3:17, he told the people of the Christian church in Philippi, “Brethren, join in following my example, and note those who so walk, as you have us for a pattern.” 

Too often when it comes to sharing the gospel, Christians want to play the short game. They will proselytize about Christianity by quoting what the Bible says, but not only do they often pick and choose what they want to preach about, but they also often don’t live by the same standards they hold others to. When I enjoyed fishing, I would simply bait the hook, and throw it into the water, and if the fish didn’t bite right away, I’d move on hoping to find a better spot. The problem with fishing for bream is that they aren’t the best fish to eat. You probably aren’t going to get boneless fillets, because bream are small and are usually fried whole, which means there are lots of little bones to pick through. So, fishing for bream was rewarding in the short term, but not really in the long term, if your long-term goal is to eat the fish that you catch. My point is that if you want to leave a lasting impression on why to follow Christ’s teachings, you can’t just go for the easy catch, you will not only have to tell them but live it in front of them. This is the long game.

Living a life of faith feels like fishing. You cast the line, and throw out the nets, but you can’t control what you catch. It is wearisome when our best efforts do not lead to the outcome we are hoping for. My other favorite way to fish was to cast a net. Not many things I did truly made my father proud because I wasn’t good in the things he thought I should be. However, there was one exception, I could throw a fishing net better than anyone else. I know last week, I spoke about being humble, but I have a point in bragging about being able to cast a net. You cast a net not trying to catch fish to eat, but usually to use as bait because you are hoping to catch a lot of small fish, not just one at a time. John 21:1–4 tells the story of a group of disciples led by Peter who got out on a boat at night to fish while Jesus stayed on the shore. That night, they caught nothing. John 21:5-6 tells us what happened next, “Then Jesus said to them, ‘Children, have you any food?’ They answered Him, ‘No.’ And He said to them, ‘Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.’ So they cast, and now they were not able to draw it in because of the multitude of fish.”

I know what it feels like to be one of the disciples on the boat. We often come across similar instances in our own lives, such as when we are searching for a job. Out on the water, trying time and time again, but all efforts come back void. Like the disciples, we put in application after application, but it results in nothing. Sometimes, you might get an initial interview but then be passed over for the job. It’s frustrating and tiring. It is at this point where we often begin doubting ourselves, doubting God, doubting just about everything.

When the school where I taught hired a new coach, I suddenly found myself out of a job because this new coach could “teach” my classes. Over that summer, I applied to dozens of jobs, and had a few telephone interviews, but didn’t receive an offer. I became frustrated and hopeless. Finally, I came across a job announcement that not only fit my qualifications, but I even fit their preferred qualifications. I applied and got a telephone interview. The next thing I knew, I was on a plane to Vermont to have an in-person interview. Obviously, I got the job. The job had its ups and downs, and I eventually found out that the job was only a three-year position, something I had not been told when I accepted the job. So I went back on the job hunt. Again, I applied for jobs, and to my surprise, I was interviewed for nearly every job I applied for. The problem was, that either I did not fit all their preferred qualifications and someone else did, or they decided they could not pay me enough to make it worth offering me the job. There was a restructuring at the museum where I worked, and they basically created a job for me. It has turned out to be a job that I absolutely love.

When I was on those job searches, I prayed that God would not only direct me to the right job but that He would help me make the right choice if an offer was made. Just as the disciples trusted Jesus when He told them to “Cast the net on the right side of the boat,” I followed my own faith. Faith to me is all about listening to God, obeying, taking action, and then trusting God with the results. As I said before, you can cast your line, and throw out your net, but you can’t control what you catch. When we fish, we have to believe that we will catch what we are hoping for. Likewise, we have to have faith that if we live life that follows Christ’s example we will bring others to follow Christ. 

For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. 

—Romans 12:3

Humility is not always an easy virtue to exercise, it takes courage, discipline, and faith to put humility into daily practice. But humility is an important characteristic to develop as a follower of Christ. The Bible gives us guidance and words that inspire us to keep practicing humility. C.S. Lewis said, “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” Humility calls us to first serve God and our neighbors before serving ourselves.

Humility is mentioned in Proverbs 22:4. This Bible verse tells us the definition of humility distinctly and definitively:

By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.

Fear of the Lord isn’t referring to being scared of the Lord, but rather remembering that God alone is all-powerful. It’s acknowledging that only God deserves all glory and honor. Fear of the Lord reminds us that we should not hold ourselves in the same light or position that God righteously deserves. Therefore, being humble means that we acknowledge that we are wholly dependent on God and that without Him, we wouldn’t be who we are, and we wouldn’t have what we have or lead the life we live. Practicing humility shows that we put ourselves in a position that points all glory and all things back to God.

Sometimes, we see humility as meaning that we are not allowed to think highly of ourselves. Humility merely means that we know we are God’s children, and we should love ourselves as He loves us, but that we do not become self-seeking, greedy, or arrogant in spirit or in material things. Humility can be practiced regardless of job title, wealth, or economic status.

As we mentioned earlier, the opposite of humility is arrogance. Humility in the Bible is presented as the practice of meekness, obedience to God, respect for self and others, submissiveness, and modesty. Colossians 3:12-13 tells us, “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.” People with humility put others’ needs before their own, sacrificing for the love of others. Luke 14:11 says, “For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of The Lord. 

Ephesians 6:1-4

Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. Buy truth, and do not sell it; buy wisdom, instruction, and understanding. The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him. Let your father and mother be glad; let her who bore you rejoice.  

Proverbs 23: 22-25

I know there are at least a few dads out there who read my blog, maybe even two gay dads out there raising sons and/or daughters, and I want to wish you a very Happy Father’s Day.  Just like mothers, fathers can drive us crazy.  Most of us may not have been as close to our fathers as maybe we should have been or should be, but all of us have a father somewhere.  Besides wishing you fathers out there a Happy Father’s Day, I also wanted to tell you about my father.

We are very different in so many ways.  He is very outdoorsy: he hunts, fishes, and constantly works outdoors.  I was always a bookworm who liked books better than sports.  I’ve learned to like the outdoors:  I walk nature trails, I like to hike, and I even like to fish occasionally.  Whereas my father worked outside all his life, I prefer to work inside, research, writing, teaching, etc.  There are a lot of other differences as well.  We can generally have a conversation for about 15-20 minutes before we get into some type of argument.  My father has never felt I was right about anything.  I can be agreeing with him, and he will fuss at me for agreeing with him.  No matter what I say, he will say the opposite.  One example is that I once made a remark about a house being painted white (it used to be gray). He argued with me that the house was painted gray, just a lighter shade.  Everyone else I know says the house is white, but he still says that it is gray.  Often he tells me that I am not a very pleasant person to be around.  It’s odd because, as far as I know, he’s just about the only person I know who feels that way.   It’s that sort of thing that drives me crazy.  Needless to say, we barely get along.  I love him, but I don’t like him.  He can be very cruel and frustrating.

To switch gears a little bit, I want to tell you also how great my father can be without me ever knowing it.  This is part of the reason that I forgive so much of the misery he causes me.  When my parents found out I was gay, it was a very traumatic experience for all concerned.  My mother had suspected for quite a while and was very nosy.  She checked my email.  She didn’t like some of the emails that she saw.  Most of them, if not all, were fairly innocent, but there were some, like an ad from Showtime about “Queer as Folk” and maybe another one from gay.com. I was over at my grandmother’s checking on her when my mother called me and confronted me about it.  I was tired of denying it.  All of my friends knew, so why shouldn’t she.  I knew she wouldn’t like it.  She had confronted me several years before about it, and I denied it then.  I wasn’t ready, and to make sure that I never was, my mother told me, “If you would rather have a dick up your ass, than be part of this family, then leave.  We will have nothing more to do with you.”  When this time came around, we got into a huge argument.  I yelled, she yelled, and I left.  I was still dependent on them for some things, but I could live without them.  My mother went to bed and cried for the next two weeks.  By the way, this all happened two days before Christmas while I was home on Christmas break.  My mother did get up and do the family things the holiday required but was very cold toward me the whole time. When my father got home, he talked to my mother about what was wrong.  She told him.  She tells him everything. This was one of the times when he sided with me.

He told my mother that I was their child.  She could not stop loving me just because she did not agree with my “lifestyle.” He would continue to love me, and she would have to do the same.  No matter what his children did, they would still love them (it may have helped that my sister married a complete and total jackass, who doesn’t physically abuse her, but abuses her mentally). Then he came and talked with me.  He told me that he didn’t care what I told my mother, but to tell her something or she would die in that bed in there (you don’t know my mother, but she would have).  Then he told me what surprised me the most, “I should have taught you how to fight the urges.  I am sorry that I failed you.”  It is the only time my father ever apologized to me for anything.  I never asked about the “urges,” but I am pretty sure I know what he was talking about.  I think he knew exactly how I felt, and it may be why he is such a miserable person.  Maybe, he had been there himself, but he had chosen a different path.  This may be why they still believe it is a choice.  But I see the misery in him almost every day.  I went to my parents and told them both that I was celibate and would remain that way, that I had never acted on my sexuality (yes, it was a lie, but it was one I think was and still is for the better, even though I hate lying more than anything).  They made me promise that I would not tell anyone else in the family, and I have agreed to that. Eventually, I told my niece, who came out as transgender. Our family has become a “Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t discuss” zone.  It is not my preference, but it is what I must deal with for the time being.  If I ever find a man to live my life with, I will deal with the other consequences then.  I don’t think I could hide from my family the love of my life (if he ever comes along).  My mother continues to be the queen of denial and believes I will find the right girl and get married someday.

They still consider my being gay a lifestyle choice. I never will.  I don’t believe I would have chosen to be gay.  I would have chosen to live a more open life, but that is mostly not possible where I lived back then. I have a different job now and live 1200 miles away. I am far happier being open and honest about my sexuality. I know what makes me happy, and after a lot of prayer and meditation, God told me that love is what matters most in this world.  I came to understand that if I lived a lie and married a woman, I would make her and my life miserable (somewhat like my father has).  If I was going to be alone, then I would be alone. At least I wouldn’t be hurting someone else.  I realize that some people had more pressures to get married and have a family and come out later in life.  I do not fault them for that. It was a different time and/or different circumstances.  But in this day and age, I felt I could not lie to myself or anyone else and spend a large portion of my life as a lie.

Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.

— 1 Thessalonians 5:11

When I was in high school, I worked at a Subway restaurant with this girl who was a year below me in school. She no longer went to my school, but she had a few years before. There was always talk that she slept around a lot, and they were most likely true. However, we became friends while working together. So that year when it came to our annual homecoming dance, I asked her to be my date. It was not a romantic thing, but just two friends. At one point, she went to talk to some friends who had been in her class when she attended my school. I remember how they asked her, “Why are you with him? He’s a fag!” or something along those lines. She said, “He’s a very nice guy, and he’s been kind to me, which I can’t say about everyone.” (Again, or something similar.) I had always been nice to her, and though I had not been fond of the girls she had been friends with, I never judged her for that.

At that same homecoming dance, my best friend at the time went with her boyfriend, who was one of, if not the, most beautiful man I have ever known. He was older than she was, by a few years. He had been in the military and had even moonlighted as a stripper. The man was gorgeous. (He also had a brother who was a police officer in town who was almost as good looking.) I was not the only person who noticed how strikingly handsome he was, so did my date. He and my best friend didn’t date much longer after that, but eventually he began to date the girl who was my date. He got her pregnant, and her father, who was not a kind man, forced them to get married. As I understand it, it was a literal shotgun wedding. They were not married but a few years, but in those years, she gave birth to two beautiful sons. One was as strikingly handsome as his father, and the younger one looked more like his mother, but was still quite handsome.

After a few years, she got a divorce and raised those boys on her own. Her now ex-husband went to work for his father’s logging company, where he suffered an accident that paralyzed him. He had been so handsome and vibrant, and now, he had very limited mobility and was unable to do much of anything. It was obviously devastating for him, and sometime after that, he ended his own life. Those boys were raised by their single mother who I have no doubt was struggling to make ends meet, and now, they had lost their father completely. I don’t know what all went on in their lives because I did not keep in touch with their mother. Several years ago, she got her realtor’s license, fell in love with a fellow (and wealthy) realtor, and got married for a second time. Even though I was living in Vermont, she added me as a friend on Facebook just in case I was ever in the market for a house. Her life seemed to be going well. She was happy. She had a man she loved and who adored her. She lived very comfortably and eventually made enough money in real estate to buy a house on the beach and move to the Alabama Gulf Coast. She also had two very beautiful boys who she loved dearly.

However, not all was well with her boys. The oldest had apparently became a drug addict. Three years ago, my sister called* to say the kid, who was in his by then in his 20s, had either overdosed or took a drug laced with fentanyl (or both). His mother and brother were absolutely devastated over his death. A few days ago, my sister called to tell me that the younger son had committed suicide. According to his mother’s post on Facebook, it was just days before the three-year anniversary of his brother’s death. She said that he had demons in his head and had never gotten over his brother’s death. Though she did not mention it, I would venture to guess that he was also still grieving the loss of his father. I cannot imagine the pain and grief she must be feeling.

The truth is, we don’t know what demons people are struggling with. I have known several people who lived with nightmares and night terrors because of things that happened in their past. They can be happy people on most days, but their nights are filled with a terror we may not know about. We just don’t know what someone is going through. As Christians, we can offer comfort to those we know are suffering, but what can we do for those who hide their pain? The Bible gives us the best answer for this: Behave Like a Christian. Roman 12:9-21 tells us how to do this.

⁹ Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; ¹¹ not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; ¹² rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; ¹³ distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. ¹⁶ Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.

¹⁷ Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. ¹⁹  Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. ²⁰ Therefore

    “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
    If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
    For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”

²¹ Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

If you are suffering from pain reach out to someone you trust. If you are considering suicide, in the US, you can call Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988, National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or the National Hopeline Network, Suicide & Crisis Hotline 1-800-442-HOPE (4673). You are not alone. Others are suffering to but there is help. Please seek that help. If you are from another country, would you please leave the number of your suicide prevention lifeline in the comments below?

If you know of someone who is suffering, be there for them. We cannot always know the struggles that people are dealing with, so if we treat everyone with kindness and Christian love, then maybe we will influence their day in a way that helps them out or just to know that kindness exists. Sometimes, all a person might need is a kind word or a smile to brighten their day.