5 Days
I’m working from home today, and I do have some work I actually need to do. But, I don’t have to go in to work for the next five days. Like I said, I’m working from home today, Saturday and Sunday are the weekend, Monday we are off because the college is on spring break (students and faculty get a whole week; staff gets one day), then, on Tuesday, I have a doctor appointment at the headache clinic at Dartmouth. Other than going down to Dartmouth, I don’t actually have to go anywhere for several days. I can relax at home, laze on the couch and read, take a nap, or watch tv. I have no definitive plans until Tuesday. I need to do some straightening up around my apartment and some usual household chores, and I may go to the grocery store, but mostly, I have nothing planned for the next several days. I am looking forward to it.
Such a Pain
I was scrolling through Twitter (I have a hard time calling it X) when I came across a tweet by @itsjustdovglad that described what it was like to have a chronic illness. He had fibromyalgia, which is a chronic illness that my mother also had, but as you know if you regularly read this blog, I have chronic migraines. It’s often hard to describe what it’s like to be in constant and never ending pain, but the description below sums it up pretty well:
Chronic Illness – What you should know
Inside every chronically ill person is a healthy person wondering what on earth happened to them.
We struggle to do the very simplest daily tasks and feel guilty that most of what needs doing won’t even get started.
We are not faking it or being lazy; often we make ourselves worse by trying to hide our illness and carry on with life pretending we are healthy.
Just because we did something yesterday doesn’t mean that we’ll be able to manage it today.
The likelihood is, we pushed ourselves more than we should have and it will take us days, maybe weeks, to recover.
The question “How are you feeling?” is the most difficult question for us as we can’t remember what it feels to be ‘normal’ and not in pain.
It hurts more than you can imagine to have to say no to the things we want to do but can’t manage because of our illness.
We do things at pain levels others wouldn’t even consider moving at because if we don’t we won’t have a life.
I’ve never come across a more accurate description of what it’s like. This describes my chronic migraines so well. People with chronic illnesses may be in constant pain, but we go on with life because we have to or else it wouldn’t be worth living if we only focused on the pain and let it beat us.
Currently, I feel very fortunate that my current treatments (Qulipta and Botox along with other medications for my trigeminal neuralgia) are working to reduce my migraines and the pain associated with it, but I know all too well how that can change at any time. For now though, I am very thankful that I have days without migraines. I have some days when the migraines are sudden, sharp, and severe, but also brief, lasting only a few minutes at a time. I still have migraine days, when I wake up with a migraine and go to sleep at night with the same migraine that has been with me all day. Some days, though migraines can last several days in a row before there is some relief.
It can be difficult to keep on keeping on, but I am thankful that I now have more days without pain than with pain. Before this last Botox treatment, I had migraines 30 out of 30 days a month. Now, that has reduced to about 10 out of 30 days. For me, that’s a significant improvement.
Random Memory
Years ago, back when I was in graduate school and living in Mississippi, I remember I was at a CVS and across the street there was a shirtless guy sitting on a motorcycle. I am not particularly a fan of motorcycles. (I think they are loud and annoying, and my brother-in-law has spent money on his motorcycles that should have been going to clothes or other necessities for his wife and kids. However, that’s getting off on a tangent, and I don’t really want to offend anyone who’s a motorcycle enthusiast.) On that particular day, which was probably twenty years ago, I just remember how hot and sexy that guy looked in his motorcycle. I know it’s dangerous to ride without wearing more protective clothing and a helmet, but damn, did seeing that shirtless guy with a fantastic body get my motor revving. I remember the motorcycle he was on is what we usually called a “crotch rocket.” If you’re unfamiliar with the term, crotch rocket is slang for a racing-style motorcycle, a sport bike, with an aerodynamic body shape that keeps the rider leaning forward and down. Below is a picture of a “crotch rocket” and one of the sexiest models in history, Pietro Boselli. The picture below reminds me of the guy I saw that day.
That guy was subject of my nighttime fantasies for years, and as you might be able tell from this post, it’s a memory that has stayed with me. It’s funny how a memory that was probably only a few minutes in time can be something that turns you on for many years to come.
Do you have a sexy memory like that, one that was only momentary but stayed with you for years afterwards? What was it?
From “The Age of Aquarius”
From “The Age of Aquarius”
By Roy G. Guzmán
Let the sunshine, let the sunshine in. I have learned to repeat these words to myself whenever I feel stuck.
Fear rustles mantras out of my body. I have risked a motherland. Why not also seduce the foreigner who implores nativity if loneliness can be broken and shared?
♒︎
When Hair: The American Tribal Love-Rock Musical debuts on Broadway in April of 1968, it becomes the first production to include a nude scene with its entire cast.
Around the same time, Star Trek has popularized the phrase, Where no man has gone before.
Our bodies contain elements of outer space. So that when we’re naked we are gazing at the universe.
♒︎
The night of my second panic attack, after getting released from the hospital and determined to change my mental health’s course, I dream of a nebula in the shape of an octopus, holding an astronaut in each tentacle. From my perspective, the cosmonauts feed on all my arms.
♒︎
No more falsehoods or derisions. Golden living dreams of visions. Mystic crystal revelation and the mind’s true liberation.
♒︎
In the Age of Aquarius, give or take, plurality overtakes singularity. History becomes bored by its self-referentialism. Triangles burrow into single lines. Equal signs collapse on the spikes of other equal signs.
In the Age of Aquarius, give or take, we give birth to information and information delivers us. I make a fist and my fist speaks in four languages. Letters enter me and suddenly I experience flavors few before me have.
In the Age of Aquarius, give or take, gender is a tree is a building is a cloud. It is anything that hasn’t been said. The truest instinct one listens to more and more.
About this Poem
“Literature on mental illness, written by queer and trans BIPOC authors, is hard to come about. Adding to that unique legacy, this excerpt is part of a longer piece about mental health, queer love, pop culture, and decolonial worldmaking. I am interested in the various connections between the individual and what we gather under the umbrella term ‘collective.’ As you read this excerpt, play The 5th Dimension’s version of the medley ‘Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In’ and imagine what a better tomorrow might look like.”—Roy G. Guzmán
About the Poet
Roy G. Guzmán was born in Honduras and raised in Miami, Florida. They received an MFA from the University of Minnesota.
Guzmán is the author of the full-length collection Catrachos (Graywolf Press, 2020) and the chapbook Restored Mural for Orlando (Queerodactyl Press, 2016). The recipient of a 2017 Ruth Lilly and Dorothy Sargent Rosenberg Poetry Fellowship and a 2016 Scribe for Human Rights Fellowship, among other awards, Guzmán is currently pursuing a PhD in comparative studies in discourse and society at the University of Minnesota. They live in Minneapolis.
The Weekend That Wasn’t
I feel like this was the weekend that wasn’t. On Friday, I went to work at 7:30 am as usual, but I was working until after 9 pm. At least Isabella let me sleep in a little on Saturday; she did not afford me the same courtesy today or yesterday. Even though I slept in a bit on Saturday, most of my afternoon was spent at the museum giving tours. I always enjoy giving tours for this particular group. I generally do these particular tours a few times a year, and at least it was not a full workday on Saturday since we are currently not opening on weekends except for special occasions. (We are a bit short staffed right now.) Yesterday, I had a migraine all day. I have been experiencing a significant decrease in my migraines since my last Botox treatment, but no migraine treatment will ever be 100 percent.
So, a new week begins. Thankfully, it shouldn’t be a busy week, just a few meetings here and there. I hope all of you have a wonderful week!
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