For the Bird Singing before Dawn
For the Bird Singing before Dawn
By Kim Stafford
Some people presume to be hopeful
when there is no evidence for hope,
to be happy when there is no cause.
Let me say now, I’m with them.
In deep darkness on a cold twig
in a dangerous world, one first
little fluff lets out a peep, a warble,
a song—and in a little while, behold:
the first glimmer comes, then a glow
filters through the misty trees,
then the bold sun rises, then
everyone starts bustling about.
And that first crazy optimist, can we
forgive her for thinking, dawn by dawn,
“Hey, I made that happen!
And oh, life is so fine.”
About This Poem
“Many times in my life I’ve been told by serious people that I must be very naïve to be happy, to have hope, to celebrate this little life I’ve been given when, actually, they say, everything is pretty dire. There’s war, poverty, crushing injustice all over—what right do I have to talk back to all that with flimsy little poems about the good? What can I say? The birds are my teachers, my elders, my guides. Every day before dawn, in silence and darkness, I’m at my desk making poems on the page. And then, before light, I hear the first bird outside begin to sing.”
—Kim Stafford
The Weekend
I basically did only two things this weekend. I’ll admit I was disappointed after the results of Friday’s procedure said that I was not an ideal candidate for Inspire, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Friday night, I fell asleep around 8:30 pm. I’d been up early that morning to get to Dartmouth on time, and I had not slept well the night before. I slept until 5:15 am when Isabella woke me insisting that I feed her. I got up and fed her, and since I had already slept for over eight hours, I didn’t try to go back to bed. It’s rare that I sleep more than seven hours in a night.
Anyway, I had been seeing a lot of social media about this new Netflix show Heartstopper, so I thought I’d watch it and give it a try. Heartstopper is a British coming-of-age romance developed for Netflix based on the webcomic and graphic novel of the same name by Alice Oseman. It tells the story of Charlie Spring, a gay schoolboy who falls in love with someone he sits next to in his new form, Nick Nelson, while also exploring the lives of Charlie and Nick’s friends: Tao, Elle, Tara, Darcy and Isaac. I got completely hooked. It’s probably not for everyone, but I found it so sweet and cute.
I watched the first few episodes during the day Saturday before getting ready to go see Matteo Lane in Burlington Saturday night. Matteo was fabulous and so funny. I laughed so hard it hurt. We had such a fantastic time. If he ever performs near you, and you want to see an absolutely hilarious gay stand-up comedian, you really need to go see Matteo. It was a great show, and I am so glad that I got to go.
I got back home around 10:00 pm and was a bit wired and not ready for bed. I thought I’d watch another episode of Heartstopper. The episodes are only about thirty minutes long, and I thought I’d go to bed after watching just one. There are eight episodes in the season, and I think I’d gotten through the first four earlier, so I started with the fifth episode. Once that episode was over, I watched another, and then another. Since there was only on episode left, I just watched it too. I didn’t go to sleep until just after 1:00 am.
Isabella woke me at 5:45 to fed her. She’d started trying to wake me up at around 5:15, but I kept pushing her away. Finally, I admitted defeat and got out of bed to feed her. Yesterday was a very lazy day. I talked on the phone with Susan and watched Season 2 of Love, Victor, which I’d planned to when Season 2 was released in June 2021, but when I had started to watch it, I just wasn’t in the mood, and then, I just never got around to watching it. I watched a few episodes, and then went to my usual “no brainpower needed” show, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. A week or so ago, I’d started watching the series again from the beginning, something I’ve done so many times, that I’ve lost count. It’s my “no brainpower needed” show, not because it’s a dumb show (it’s a pretty smart show, in my opinion), but because I’ve seen it so many times that I can basically say all of the lines in the series. So that’s what I did the rest of the day.
Now it’s Monday, and I have to go back to work.
Our Paths
You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
— Psalm 16:11
In Scripture, there is abundant advice for what path in life will provide the most meaning and fulfillment. Our path refers to the way we live and what we decide to do with our limited time on earth. If we want to take a path that will make us happier, we must include a respect for the parts of us that are most wounded, neglected, and painful to look at and take steps toward incorporating the good and the bad in our life to become more self-aware of who we are. By doing so, we can lead ourselves down a path to peace and contentment in our being, because we will no longer be fighting who we are.
It’s not easy to look at all the parts of us that make us who we are. In Matthew 7:13-14, Jesus tells us, “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.” This is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. When I pray, one of the things I always pray for is that God will show me my true path. We all know that life is not going to be easy, even for those who seem to have everything, there is always something that is not perfect. Much of life is hard. We sometimes have to do things that are against the grain, that are unacceptable to some people. For many of us, that is accepting our sexuality. Accepting who we are is the narrow path that “leads to life.”
God is actually all-powerful and ever-present – constantly guiding with His love and assurance. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” Have you ever thought about what it means to be open to God’s guidance? When faced with a decision that needs to be made, a problem to be resolved, or accepting who we are, it’s not always easy to know what to do. That’s why we need to trust in God and ask Him to guide us on the correct path.
If we follow the path that God has shown us, we will feel a deep sense of God’s love for all of His creatures. By being still and listening, and acknowledging God as an ever-present source of help, we can be freed from the entrapments of doubt and fear.
Moment of Zen: Matteo Lane
I have tickets to see Matteo’s show at the Vermont Comedy Club in Burlington tonight. I’m very excited because I find him very funny.
The Day Has Come
The day has finally come; I have my laryngoscopy today. I’ve been waiting since January 10 for them to schedule this procedure, and it will determine if I can get the Inspire implant as a replacement for my CPAP to treat my sleep apnea. I have to be at Dartmouth by 7 am, so we need to leave my apartment no later than 5:45 am. My friend driving me will have to leave her place around 5:10 am. I feel bad about the imposition I am putting her in, but I don’t have a lot of options. My boss was supposed to take me, and I would not feel bad about him having to leave so early, but his daughters came down with COVID, so he’s quarantined with them and can’t take me.
On a different note: While Isabella seems to enjoy my new apartment (as do I), she has been doing this odd thing lately. She will sit in front of the glass of my entertainment center and stare at her reflection. I had this entertainment center at my old place, but she never took note of it. She will sit there for the longest time just staring at her reflection, though I don’t think she realizes that it is her. Occasionally, she walks around the entertainment center to see if she can find that other cat. Of course, she never does, but it’s always back right where it was when she looks again. She doesn’t do anything but stare into the glass. She has done this with the front windows a few times, but never in a mirror and never for as long as she sits looking at the glass in the entertainment center. She doesn’t seem upset but seems more curious than anything else. So, I have a question for those with cats: have any of your cats ever exhibited this type of behavior?
She’s usually pretty smart, and things like this don’t fool her. Although she still occasionally chases her tail, she will get tired of it after a little while. Also, she sometimes accidentally sits on one of her mice when playing with them and gets very perplexed about where it has gone. Eventually, she moves and reveals the mouse and seems surprised when the mouse suddenly reappears. Occasionally, she gets lost under the quilt on my bed but usually finds her way out unaided. Sometimes, I have to assist her. Cats are infinitely entertaining, especially Isabella. With all of these strange behaviors, she eventually gets tired and curls up on a nice comfy blanket and goes to sleep, which she seems to do, like most cats, for about 18 hours a day.
PROCEDURE UPDATE: The laryngoscopy went fine, but I am not an good candidate for the Inspire therapy, so I’m not sure what the next step is.
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