Sometimes…



Sometimes, I think, “What am I going to write for today’s post?”  Sometimes I get a good idea, sometimes I totally blank, and sometimes I find inspiration somewhere.  As I was thinking about this last night, I decided I’d just update you on my headaches and health.  If you’ve read this blog long, you probably know two things about my health: 1) I suffer from headaches; and 2) I suffer from depression.  I decided it was time for me to go see my doctor and discuss these issues with him more thoroughly.  I hate going to the doctor, so I’ve put it off for quite a while, but a few things have changed recently.

First, I wrote a month or so ago about how I think my headaches are more than just migraines and how they may be cluster headaches because of the symptoms.  When I discussed my symptoms with my doctor, he agreed.  He started me on a treatment for cluster headaches and wants me to get a CT scan, which I dread because my copay for that is $300, but it is necessary for a true diagnosis.  (If anyone would like to help with that cost, [even a small amount would help], the donate button is to the right toward the top.  It may not sound like a lot to some people, but with my current salary, the extra expense will mean less for other bills and expenses and will take some time to catch up, especially when I’m finally starting to feel like I am almost caught up financially.) My doctor did start me on some preventive medications and a new medication for when I have a cluster headache.  I’m interested to see if it will work.  I’m hopeful that it will.

Second, I’ve noticed in the last few months that my antidepressant hasn’t seem to be doing its job, and its side effects are affecting me in a way that I hadn’t noticed before.  When I had the flu, I discussed how I didn’t feel that my antidepressant was working as I was having some depressive episodes.  Initially, he double the dosage of my medicine to see if it would help.  It has not.  In the past six months and even longer than that, I’ve been very lethargic.  I haven’t had the energy to do much of anything, and so often, I just get discouraged with things piling up.  I’ve also had more and more moments of feeling completely hopeless.  Never to the point of harming myself, but often to the point of thinking that if I were to die, my suffering would end. (Maybe that’s the passive aggressive southerner in me.) I’m glad I have wonderful friends and family who remind me the importance of being here on earth.  However, there are days when a great sadness washes over me.  I feel despondent, and I wonder if life will ever get any better.  My boyfriend makes me realize that it is worth it, and it does get better.  I love the way he makes me feel, and that brings me to the second major reason I wanted to change antidepressants.

I’ve also noticed, and this has just been in the last year because I’ve been more sexually active and have been dating more, that I’ve had issues getting an erection, maintaining an erection, and/or reaching orgasm.  This isn’t always an occurance, but it’s far more often than I’d like. It’s been very frustrating for me, and I hate for my partner to think it is him, because it is most definitely not.  I just don’t have the sex drive I used to have.  Sexual dysfunction is a major side effect of most antidepressants, and definitely with this one.  Doubling the dosage seemed to only make it worse.  I’m only 37, and I’ve always had a very strong libido until recently.  So I asked him if he’d switch me to a new medication without these side effects, and he agreed to let me try it.  I really hope it works.

That was the good news yesterday, the bad news is that there was a screw up sending my new prescriptions to the pharmacy and after I’d driven all the way to the pharmacy, they didn’t have it.  When the pharmacy called the doctor’s office, my doctor had already left, and the nurse wouldn’t do anything to help the pharmacist.  I was quite upset, and trust me, they will hear about it first thing this morning.  Luckily, I have a family member that works not too far from my pharmacy, so she will be able to pick up my new medications, but I’m anxious to start my new medications and see how they will work.

I’m really hopeful that this is a major step,in the right direction for dealing with some of my problems.  It’s a new day.

About Joe

I began my life in the South and for five years lived as a closeted teacher, but am now making a new life for myself as an oral historian in New England. I think my life will work out the way it was always meant to be. That doesn't mean there won't be ups and downs; that's all part of life. It means I just have to be patient. I feel like October 7, 2015 is my new birthday. It's a beginning filled with great hope. It's a second chance to live my life…not anyone else's. My profile picture is "David and Me," 2001 painting by artist Steve Walker. It happens to be one of my favorite modern gay art pieces. View all posts by Joe

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