Perspectives

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Today was the absolutely worst day ever
And don’t try to convince me that
There’s something good in every day
Because, when you take a closer look,
This world is a pretty evil place.
Even if
Some goodness does shine through once in a while
Satisfaction and happiness don’t last.
And it’s not true that
It’s all in the mind and heart
Because
True happiness can be obtained
Only if ones surroundings are good
It’s not true that good exists
I’m sure you can agree that
The reality
Creates
My attitude
It’s all beyond my control
And you’ll never in a million years hear me say that
Today was a good day

Now read from bottom to top.

Optimism versus pessimism, it’s all about perspective, but science has proven that optimism has real benefits to our lives. “Think happy thoughts” is common wisdom that many people rely on for getting through feelings of depression, and painful or difficult situations. Often, people try to be happy when they’re not; hoping that they will become the happy person they’re impersonating.

Much of our behavior depends on our attitudes. If our attitudes are negative, we can expect to be vulnerable to addictions and depression, and the resulting lack of focus and concentration may degrade every area of your life. A positive attitude can be developed by monitoring and disciplining your thoughts on a moment-by-moment basis.

If you are like me, however, this is hard. Yesterday, was actually a bad day for me. My cluster headache shave come back, and I’ve only had brief moments without pain for the past week or so. Furthermore, I’m frustrated with my job hunt. I’m worried about what I will do when the money runs out. To say the least, I’m scared, very scared. I’m also depressed because it looks increasingly like I will end up with a job that once again will it put my education to full use and might not even need me to use it at all. I worked too hard to let it go to waste.

So yesterday I was feeling very depressed. Even on antidepressants, there are days like yesterday. So when my mother called asking me to do something else that would keep me away from putting out more job applications, I got angry, and we had a fight. I always end up being the one to apologize because as many of us know, mothers are very good at guilting their children. I admit that I was unfair to my mother. She has a lot on her mind right now.

She’s getting her mother ready to move into an assisted living home, and she’s packing up the house I grew up in because they are finally selling it (they built their other house several years ago as a vacation home but decided to move their full-time). She also suffers from fibromyalgia. So I know she’s under a lot of stress, and she’s on constant pain. But am I just selfish because I want her to remember that I am unemployed and looking for a job and I need time to be able to look for that job? Maybe I am, but I already feel like I’m being pulled in a dozen directions when there are other family members who could help, but because I am unemployed and childless, I am the one expected to do it all.

Also, I have a problem with saying no. I hate to disappoint, and I often care too much what others think of me. So on most days I “put on a happy face” and “think happy thoughts” even though I feel like I’m dying inside. I tried very hard to keep a positive outlook on things, but right now, it’s looking very bleak.

A friend sent me the words above, and at first, I thought, “Well, they kind of summed up my day.” But hen I got to the end and red it from the bottom to the top. The words were the same but the message was the complete opposite. So, I am going to try to put on a happy face. I do have wonderful friends who help me when I’m down. But while I keep a happy face to the public, no one really knows (except those who are reading this), that I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night because I scared of what the future holds. Yet, I keep praying and hoping at hat God will help alleviate those fears and things will be for the better when all the dust settles and I find a job.

About Joe

I began my life in the South and for five years lived as a closeted teacher, but am now making a new life for myself as an oral historian in New England. I think my life will work out the way it was always meant to be. That doesn't mean there won't be ups and downs; that's all part of life. It means I just have to be patient. I feel like October 7, 2015 is my new birthday. It's a beginning filled with great hope. It's a second chance to live my life…not anyone else's. My profile picture is "David and Me," 2001 painting by artist Steve Walker. It happens to be one of my favorite modern gay art pieces. View all posts by Joe

2 responses to “Perspectives

  • jacki perrette

    I’m sending positive thoughts your way. It’s understandable that this is tough for you. Any time you have internal and external stressors at the same time, it becomes more challenging to cope, but you are a thinking person, and you are doing what you can to take care of yourself. Even so, I have some advice (I know. Feel free to ignore!)

    Remember to eat, get enough fluids, exercise (walking is therapeutic), sleep. Keep in touch with people who are upbeat and those who support you. Surround yourself with beauty and energy – like art, nature, music. Turn on the stereo/radio and dance. Walk barefoot in the grass. Bring humor into each day – read, watch, listen – you need to laugh (I can recommend a couple of books that are funny.) You’ve obviously been practicing journal therapy. (See videos and work of James W. Pennebaker!! I love him and his work!)

    No matter what happens, you will be ok, even if you have to live through some things you don’t like. Everything happening to you now has the potential to make you stronger and wiser. (The basis of true understanding is rooted in dichotomy.)

    Hugs! ❤

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