Two Hours

Jokes about porn dialogue and acting ability are not in short supply, but every once in a while, there are some golden lines, even if the lines delivery is terrible. Gay porn dialogue has gotten better in recently and some even have a “plot.” Yeah, I know, it’s hard to believe l, right? Through the years, there have been a few porn movies with a definite plot. Top Secret (2000) starring Corey Summers in two roles had a pretty decent plot, but if there is a plot in most porn movies, it’s barely there. Ok, I’m getting off track.

Vintage gay porn dialogue can be intentionally quite humorous at times. Of course, most of the time it is not intentional. I recently watched My Best Buddy (1988), which was most definitely short on plot. Basically, it is about two “best buddies” traveling separately across the country to spend the summer with one of the guy’s brother. The final scene is with Chris Williams (pictured above) and the aforementioned brother (I don’t know this actor’s name) they are going to stay with. So here’s the setup for the movie’s final scene:

Chris arrives first and the brother is not home. He’s let in by the apartment manager, who, of course, propositions him, but Chris says he just wants to take a shower to get the travel grime off him and take a nap. Cut to Chris getting undressed down to his white briefs and flopping down on the bed.

As he’s dozing off, the brother comes home, and Chris pretends to be asleep. The brother remarks that his brother’s friend “sure has grown up.” Then, creepily, begins to run his hand over the butt of the sleeping friend before pulling down the guy’s briefs and beginning to rim him. During all of this, Chris is awake but feigning sleep. 

Chris finally decides to wake up, and utters one of my favorite lines I’ve ever heard in porn, “I don’t know who you are, but you have about two hours to stop doing that.” I’m pretty sure you can figure out yourself what happens next. The movie ends with Chris and the brother naked post coitus in bed discussing plans for dinner when the other brother arrives. The two guys jump under the covers as the brother walks into the room and looks shocked that his brother and best buddy are naked in bed together. Then, fade to black.

The only thing about vintage gay porn that you have to suspend belief about is that so many of these guy’s died during the AIDS epidemic. Sadly, Chris Williams was one of those young men and died in 1992.