Ocean Front Property

🎶 I’ve got some ocean-front property in Arizona.
If you’ll buy that, I’ll throw the Golden Gate in free. 🎶

I haven’t written much about politics lately. Honestly, I find the state of American politics disheartening and depressing. I could say, “I don’t understand how anyone could return a man to the presidency after he had been impeached twice and demonstrated an almost pathological disregard for the truth,” but sadly, I do understand. Too many Americans are motivated by racism, greed, resentment, and plain old hate.

When I heard that he whose name I refuse to mention had promised every adult American citizen a $5,000 check if Republicans retain control of both houses of Congress, the chorus of George Strait’s “Ocean Front Property” immediately began playing in my head. Anyone who believes that promise is a colossal fucking idiot.

He offered no meaningful explanation of how the government could afford the estimated $1.3 trillion price tag, how the payments would be distributed, or how he would persuade Congress to authorize them. He merely pointed to tariff revenue and declared that the money would have to be spent in the United States.

This is the fourth time during his current term that he has floated the idea of sending checks directly to Americans. Not one of those proposals has resulted in a payment. Forbes may say that he has “suggested” these checks rather than promised them, but millions of Americans undoubtedly hear a promise—especially when he says, “If the Republicans win, you win with us, and you get $5,000.”

The man is a habitual liar. He has repeatedly claimed that the United States has “won” the war with Iran, yet the war continues and American service members have died in it. The conflict was launched on claims about Iran’s nuclear ambitions that I do not believe justified starting another war in the Middle East.

There is even an acronym for his repeated pattern of threats, boasts, reversals, and retreats: TACO—“T——- Always Chickens Out.” The expression originated on Wall Street as a description of his tariff threats and subsequent reversals, but it has since expanded to cover his similar back-and-forth rhetoric about foreign conflicts and geopolitical posturing. Still, many of his boasts cannot be dismissed as merely chickening out. They are simply lies.

So, if anyone is gullible enough to fall for this bullshit, I have some ocean-front property in Arizona to sell you. If you buy it, I’ll throw in the Golden Gate Bridge for free.

Hell, I’ll sell you the Brooklyn Bridge while I’m at it.