Category Archives: Coming Out

Black and White/Gay and Straight Twins

James (left) and Daniel Kelly, twin brothers.

The two teenage boys sitting on the sofa opposite are different in almost every way. On the left is James: he’s black, he’s gay, he’s gregarious, and he’s academic. He’s taking three A-levels next summer, and wants to go to university. Daniel, sitting beside him, is white. He’s straight, he’s shy, and he didn’t enjoy school at all. He left after taking GCSEs, and hopes that his next move will be an apprenticeship in engineering.

So, given that they are diametrically opposed, there is one truly surprising thing about James and Daniel. They are twins. They were born on 27 March 1993, the sons of Alyson and Errol Kelly, who live in south-east London. And from the start, it was obvious to everyone that they were the complete flipside of identical. “They were chalk and cheese, right from the word go,” says Alyson. “It was hard to believe they were even brothers, let alone twins.”

The boys’ colour was the most obvious, and extraordinary, difference. “When James was born he was the spitting image of Errol, and I remember seeing his curly hair and thinking – he’s just like his dad. It was another two hours before Daniel was born: and what a surprise he was! He was so white and wrinkly, with this curly blond hair.”

It wasn’t the first time nature had shocked Alyson and Errol. Daniel and James were the family’s third set of twins: Errol and Alyson each already had a set with a previous partner. Errol’s first set are fraternal boys, Shane and Luke, who are 21; Alyson’s are identical boys, Charles and Jordan, 20. The only singleton in the house is the couple’s youngest child, and only daughter, 14-year-old Katie. “Apart from her, it’s twin city,” says Alyson. “At least life was made a bit easier by the fact that we always had two of everything.”

But it was clear that having one black and one white twin was going to mark the family out, wherever they went. “We’d go on holiday and people would say, ‘Is that one a friend you brought along?'” says Alyson. For Errol the response of strangers was harder to deal with. “People didn’t believe Daniel was mine,” he says. “They didn’t always say anything, but I could tell it was what they were thinking.”

So how does it happen that a white and a black partner – who would usually produce, as Alyson and Errol did in their other children, black-skinned offspring – have a child who is as white as his mum? I spoke to Dr Jim Wilson, population geneticist at Edinburgh University – and his first question was, “What is Errol’s heritage?” Errol is Jamaican – and that, says Jim, is the basic explanation.

“It wouldn’t really be possible for a black African father and a white mother to have a white child, because the African would carry only black skin gene variants in his DNA, so wouldn’t have any European DNA, with white skin variants, to pass on,” he explains.

“But most Caribbean people, though black-skinned, have European DNA because in the days of slavery, many plantation owners raped female slaves, and so introduced European DNA into the black gene pool.

“The thing about skin colour is that even a bit of African DNA tends to make a person’s skin colour black – so to be white, the child must have inherited more of the father’s European DNA with its white skin variants. Added to the mother’s European DNA, this led to a child with white skin – while his brother, who is black-skinned, inherited more of his father’s African DNA.

“The Caribbean father will have less European DNA than African DNA, so it’s more likely he’ll pass on African DNA – but rarely, and I’ve worked it out to be around one in 500 sets of twins where there’s a couple of this genetic mix, the father will pass on a lot of European DNA to one child and mostly African DNA to the other. The result will be one white child and one black.”

Alyson got used to the comments and the stares, the sniggers about their parentage and the “stupid things people said” when her boys were babies; but then, when Daniel and James went to nursery aged three, the twins’ skin colour plunged the family into controversy. “They were at this very politically correct nursery, and the staff told us that when Daniel drew a picture of himself, he had to make himself look black – because he was mixed-race,” says Alyson. “And I said, that’s ridiculous. Why does Daniel have to draw himself as black, when a white face looks back at him in the mirror?”

After a row with the nursery staff, she gave interviews to her local paper and TV. “I kicked up a fuss, because it really bothered me,” she says. “Daniel had one white parent and one black, so why couldn’t he call himself white? Why does a child who is half-white and half-black have to be black? Especially when his skin colour is quite clearly white! In some ways it made me feel irrelevant – as though my colour didn’t matter. There seemed to be no right for him to be like me.”

Daniel and James are listening politely, but with slight resignation, while their mum relays the story – it is clear that, though they are aware that they are unusual, it is Alyson who is keenest on telling their tale. They don’t remember the nursery incident, they say; but nod their heads as Alyson says she took them both out of it in protest.

Primary school passed without colour being an issue: but, says Alyson, everything changed when they went to secondary school. And at this point the boys, too, add their voices: because the racism they encountered there had a huge effect on them, and on what happened to them next.

It all started well, says Alyson. “The school was almost all-white, so James was unusual. But it wasn’t a problem for James – it was a problem for Daniel.

“The boys were in different classes, so for a while no one realised they were related. Then someone found out, and the story went round that this white boy, Daniel, was actually black, and the evidence was that he had a black twin brother, James, who was right here in the school. And then Daniel started being picked on and it got really ugly and racist, and there were lots of physical attacks. Daniel was only a little kid, and he was being called names and being beaten up by much older children – it was really horrible. We even called the police.”

“I was really bullied,” cuts in Daniel, his face hardening at the memory. “People couldn’t believe James and I were brothers, and they didn’t like the fact that I looked white, but was – as they saw it – black.”

It is interesting that it was the white twin, Daniel, and not the black twin who was on the receiving end of racism – but, though it’s counter-intuitive, Alyson agrees that it betrayed very deep-seated prejudices. “Those kids couldn’t stand the fact that, as they saw it, this white kid was actually black. It was as though they wanted to punish him for daring to call himself white,” she says.

While we are chatting, James and Daniel are sitting at opposite ends of the sofa; they give the impression of being polite around one another, but don’t seem particularly close. As Alyson says, everything about them is chalk and cheese: even their body language is at odds – James moves lightly and delicately, while Daniel moves in a more muscular, masculine way. But when Alyson reaches this stage of their story, you see a glimmer of that age-old solidarity where siblings who keep one another at arm’s length, nonetheless pitch in when one of them is threatened.

“I started to notice how angry Daniel was getting at school, how people were provoking him and how he was getting hurt,” says James. “And when he got pulled in fights, I went in too, to help him. I didn’t want to see my brother being treated like that.” James does not look like a kid who would end up in any fight: but, when his brother was up against it, he weighed in – and, says Alyson, the bruises and cuts they both came home with told their own tale.

It is possible Daniel would not have liked school anyway, but being on the receiving end of racist abuse certainly did not help. “I would have left in year 7 if I could,” he says. “But instead, I left in year 11 – and it felt so good to get away.” He moved to a school that was much more racially mixed, and which his older brothers had attended. “People knew I was Charles and Jordan’s brother, but they were fine about it,” he says.

James, meanwhile, stayed on at the old school. “It was fine in the sixth form – things settled down, and I had never been on the receiving end of much racism,” he says.

But at the same time, he was coming to terms with another major difference from his brother – the fact that he is gay. “I knew from about the age of 15, but I kept it to myself for a while,” he explains. “And then a few months ago, it just seemed like the right time to tell my family. I was most worried about my dad, about what he’d say … but in the end he was fine about it.”

Daniel, too, thought it was fine. “It wasn’t as though it was a big surprise. I’d thought it for a while,” he says. “But I said to him, ‘If anyone starts bullying you about it, I’ll be there to support you.’ After all, James did that for me when I was being bullied. If anyone starts any homophobic stuff against him, I’ll be there to fight them off.”

Like all teenage siblings, there is plenty of joshing among the two of them. “I certainly wouldn’t wear James’s clothes!” says Daniel, laughing. “But if it’s the other way round, he’d wear mine!”

“No I wouldn’t,” shoots back James. “My taste in clothes is way better than yours.”

Alyson says that, initially, James’s coming out was a surprise. “We were like, ‘Woa!'” she says. “My big worry was that he’d think he was different, or special, because he was gay – so we said to him: ‘That’s fine, it’s what you are, but it doesn’t make you any more special than the other children in this family.'” Errol says he was proud of his boy for being open and honest about his feelings. “It’s fine; I’m glad he felt he could tell us,” he says.

But Alyson does admit that, just as she once worried about racist abuse being directed at Daniel, she now worries about homophobic abuse being directed at James. “It’s something you think about from time to time, but the main thing I worry about is him staying safe – I want all of my children to be safe, obviously,” she says.

These days the boys frequent very different social scenes. “A lot of my friends are lesbian or gay, and I go to gay clubs, and they aren’t places where Daniel hangs out,” says James. His big out-of-school interest is cheerleading – while Daniel, whose older half-brothers Shane and Luke are both acrobats, loves tumbling. “It’s something I’ve enjoyed for ages – I love the thrill of it, and I love how it makes me feel,” he says. After leaving school he had a spell as an acrobat on a cruise ship, which is where his older brothers also work, but he didn’t stay long. “I thought it sounded brilliant, but I missed my family too much so I came home,” he says. He has now applied for an apprenticeship, and hopes to make engineering his future.

Occasionally, the twins go out together for the evening. “It’s good fun, because we can be drinking in a bar and someone will come along for a chat who doesn’t know we’re twins. And of course they never suspect and then someone else will say, ‘Hey, do you know James and Daniel are brothers?'” says James. “And people never, ever believe it – they always think it’s a wind-up.”

“Sometimes we even get people who say: ‘I don’t believe you! Prove it!'” says Daniel, laughing. “But we don’t care whether they believe it or not anyway – we know it’s true.”

Alyson says all she wants, like any mum, is for her boys to be happy, and to live lives free from prejudice, so that each can flourish in his own way. “Mind you,” she says with a smile, “I do sometimes find myself wondering, now the children are all getting older, what the future holds. There will be another generation eventually – who will that bring along, I wonder?

“Twins are almost a must, I’d say. But the other big thing is: how many white grandchildren will I have? And how many black?” She throws back her head and laughs, and Errol laughs with her. They’re a straightforward, outspoken family, the Kellys: all they’ve ever wanted for their children is a fair chance in life. And if their youngest twins have made anyone think twice about their preconceptions about race and colour, they don’t mind that in the least. “It’s good to challenge people on race and sexuality and other issues where there’s prejudice,” says Alyson. “If knowing my boys encourages anyone to think a bit more deeply about how we label people, then that’s just great as far as I’m concerned.”

SOURCE: “Black and white twins”by Joanna Moorhead, The Guardian, Friday 23 September 2011.


Zachary Quinto Comes Out

Zachary Quinto, inheritor of the iconic Mr. Spock role in JJ Abrams’ “Star Trek” reboot and the star of the upcoming film “Margin Call,” reveals that he is gay in a new profile in New York Magazine. The star, 34, credits his role in the Broadway play “Angels In America,” in which he plays a gay man who leaves his AIDS-afflicted boyfriend, for helping to put him further in touch with the hopes felt and struggles faced by both gay and straight Americans, and discusses his political outlook for the rights movement.

While Quinto’s sexuality hasn’t exactly been a big Hollywood secret, he’s been pretty clear in the past that he’d rather focus on his advocacy for gay rights than his personal life. Last year he told the New York Times,

The fact that these things are such hot-button issues right now, socially and politically, I would much rather talk about that than talk about who I sleep with. I would love to be a voice in this maelstrom of chaos and obsessive celebrity infatuation that says, ‘Let’s talk about something that matters.’

So it was a bit surprising to some people when he seemed to casually refer to himself as a gay man to New York magazine recently. Quinto was talking about his role in the Broadway play “Angels In America,” in which he plays a gay man who leaves his AIDS-afflicted boyfriend. He said,

Doing that play made me realize how fortunate I am to have been born when I was born. And to not have to witness the decimation of an entire generation of amazingly talented and otherwise vital men. And at the same time, as a gay man, it made me feel like I — there’s still so much work to be done. There’s still so many things that need to be looked at and addressed.

In the interview Quinto also mentioned the recent suicide of bullied gay teen Jamey Rodemeyer, saying “as a gay man I look at that and say there’s a hopelessness that surrounds it.”

Last night, Quinto posted a blog entry on his own website that explained some of the thinking that had led him to publicly announcing his orientation:

In light of [Rodemeyer’s] death – it became clear to me in an instant that living a gay life without publicly acknowledging it – is simply not enough to make any significant contribution to the immense work that lies ahead on the road to complete equality. I believe in the power of intention to change the landscape of our society – and it is my intention to live an authentic life of compassion and integrity and action. Jamey Rodemeyer’s life changed mine. And while his death only makes me wish that I had done this sooner – I am eternally grateful to him for being the catalyst for change within me.

To me, the power of what he’s saying goes beyond the issue of sexuality—when I read those words I am touched by the passion in his belief, and the bravery of choosing to come out, and yet not make a huge deal of it. Who among us isn’t striving for a life of authenticity?  A large part of what I discussed in my post about Emerson’s “Self-Reliance” is that we should strive for a life of authenticity. How many of us would be willing to so publicly state our intent to live with compassion, integrity, and action?  I would hope that we all are. I imagine the hard work it took for him to get to this place, and the courage it took to say it.  I am very proud of Zachary Quinto for coming out and for being an inspiration to others.

In an industry that’s so often focused on surface pursuits, I think Zachary Quinto is an absolutely amazing man who should be commended not for disclosing the details of his personal life, but for taking an enormously difficult step to make a difference in the lives of others.

With Quinto’s coming out, we are living in an exciting time.  We actually have celebrities coming out in the prime of their careers as opposed to the end of their careers.  The more celebrities that take this courageous step, the easier it will be for others to accept us as real people, not reject us for our sexuality.


Acceptance

Acceptance
The guilt, the anguish, the torture and the pain
I’ve struggled with this demon, always knowing it was in vain
Once a free spirit, a picture of joy, 
but the mask I have worn, I now have to destroy.
The awful lies and continuous deception,
Destined to be ruined by my own self-destruction
But the time has come to face the truth of my soul
I won’t be consumed by the decay of this black hole.
Before you judge me please hold on to this thought:
I am still the same person; it was never your fault.
I have come to accept who I am today
Please do the same mother, father; I am gay.


Tomorrow Is Coming Out Day!

Whether you’re lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or a straight ally, be proud of who you are and your support for LGBT equality this Coming Out Day!

In the Beginning, There Was a March

On Oct. 11, 1987, half a million people participated in the March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. It was the second such demonstration in our nation’s capital and resulted in the founding of a number of LGBT organizations, including the National Latino/a Gay & Lesbian Organization (LLEGÓ) and AT&T’s LGBT employee group, LEAGUE. The momentum continued four months after this extraordinary march as more than 100 lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender activists from around the country gathered in Manassas, Va., about 25 miles outside Washington, D.C. Recognizing that the LGBT community often reacted defensively to anti-gay actions, they came up with the idea of a national day to celebrate coming out and chose the anniversary of that second march on Washington to mark it. The originators of the idea were Rob Eichberg, a founder of the personal growth workshop, The Experience, and Jean O’Leary, then head of National Gay Rights Advocates. From this idea the National Coming Out Day was born.

To this day National Coming Out Day (NCOD) continues to promote a safe world for LGBT individuals to live truthfully and openly.

The People of NCOD

The success of NCOD, which from inception quickly expanded to include participation from all 50 states and foreign countries, is because of the hard work of celebrities, volunteers and activists.

  • Rob Eichberg and Jean O’Leary were the originators of the idea of NCOD
  • Sean Strub and Keith Haring- In 1987, Activist Sean Strub got Haring to donate his now-famous image of a person fairly dancing out of a closet
  • Lynn Shepodd – In 1990, Shepodd, who later became a member of HRC’s Board of Governors, was hired as executive director and obtained tax-exempt status for the organization
  • Geraldo Rivera- In 1991, Geraldo Rivera hosted a coming out day TV program that featured Dick Sargent, a gay actor famous for playing Darren on Bewitched, openly gay California Assemblywoman Sheila Kuehl and Eichberg.
  • Wes Combs in 1994 was named HRCF’s project director for National Coming Out Day
  • Candace Gingrich, half-sister of then-House Speaker Newt Gingrich, became a National Coming Out Project spokesperson and full-time activist in 1995
  • Dan Butler, who played the character Bulldog on NBC-TV’s Frasier, was NCOD spokeperson in 1995
  • Rock musician Melissa Etheridge did a radio public service announcement, reminding people that “Labels belong on records, not on people.”
  • Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton, D-D.C., spoke at the “Come Out Voting” rally in Washington, D.C., Oct. 11, 1996.
  • Fashion photographer Don Flood in 1996 shot past spokespeople Bearse, Butler and Gingrich, along with Olympic diver Greg Louganis, actor Mitchell Anderson, newly minted gay activist Chastity Bono and Sean Sasser, who had appeared in MTV’s The Real World.
  • In 1996, actress Judith Light, pro golfer Muffin Spencer-Devlin and, in her first appearance at a gay rights event, Cher spoke at a Come Out Voting rally in Washington, DC
  • In September 1997 the project brought in its first straight spokesperson, Betty DeGeneres, mother of actress/comedian Ellen DeGeneres.
  • Patrick Bristow (formerly of the Ellen TV show), Dan Butler, San Francisco Supervisor Mark Leno, longtime activist Donna Red Wing, Betty DeGeneres, Gingrich and SF Mayor Willie Brown were featured in a 1998 NCOD event in San Francisco’s Delores Park
  • Chicago-native and founding member of the rock group Styx Chuck Panozzo celebrated a special homecoming in 2001 when he came out at the Human Rights Campaign annual Chicago dinner.
  • On National Coming Out Day, Oct. 11, 2002, a benefit CD featuring the songs of openly LGBT musicians and straight allies was released. Cyndi Lauper, Queen, k.d. lang, Jade Esteban Estrada and Sarah McLachlan are among the artists who donated songs to the album.
  • Etheridge’s name appears on a poster celebrating the 2002 theme along with 18 other openly LGBT artists, including Ani DiFranco, Michael Stipe, the Indigo Girls, RuPaul, Rufus Wainwright and The Butchies

Living Openly

However you identify, HRC and its Coming Out Project hope these guides help you meet the challenges and opportunities that living openly offers to each of us:

Find coming out guides and other resources

Are You a Straight Ally?

Check out A Straight Guide to LGBT Americans to learn about the emotional spectrum that people typically feel after someone comes out to them and find easy ways to learn more and demonstrate your support for LGBT Americans and equality.

Download the guide


Fruit Fly

I have been teaching at a small private school for over a year now and have successfully kept closeted, especially since I was told when I first started that I was effeminate but that the school’s board members decided that I couldn’t be gay since they knew I was a good Christian. (See this post.)  What bullshit!  Anyway, I am still the same person, but I keep my sexuality quiet.  Some of the students probably suspect, and I don’t allow for them to use derogatory language for gay people or anyone else in my class nor do I allow them to bully anyone, especially for their sexuality.  None of the kids at my school are out, but there are some that will come out one day.  When a community is as small as ours is, everyone knows everyone else’s business.  I know that these kids will do much better when they go away for college.  They need that opening and accepting experience so that they can come into their own and make those first steps out of the closet.

The point of this post, however, is that I finally found a good friend at school who is about my age.  She is our new art teacher.  Most of the teachers are much older than us, but we have been hanging out together lately when I don’t have night classes.  It’s great to have a new friend.  I haven’t had many since I moved back to my hometown two years ago.  When I first met her, I knew that if we did become good friends that I could tell her that I was gay.  She, being an art major in college, had already figured it out and was just waiting for me to tell her.  We have a blast together.  I can really be myself around her, and even around her husband.  This weekend, her husband was gone to visit his daughter in college, and we had our big homecoming game at school, so we basically were hanging out together all weekend.  Friday night after the homecoming game seemed like a perfect time to tell her.  Of course, much as I suspected, everything went great.  She was so happy that I finally told her.  Subject that we had been beating around the bush and talking about, we could now really talk about them openly.  It has been a wonderful experience.
I finally have a new fruit fly.  I have always despised the term “fag hag” but I love the term fruit fly.  Besides, a fruit fly, though most often a heterosexual woman, can be a heterosexual man as well, who hangs around with gay people.  It’s really nice to have someone that I can be open and honest with and not have to worry about whether or not I will lose my job for being myself.
By the way, remember that National Coming Out Day is October 11.  I just jumped the gun by doing so a little early.

Question About Coming Out

I recently saw this question asked to Joe Kort, a relationship expert, on 365gay.com and wanted to share it with you.  It’s quite an interesting question.

Question
I am going to be a senior in high school this year, and luckily I’m out of the closet. However…I just moved to another school. While I know that my sexuality is my business, and mine alone, being in the closet sucked. So…should I come out “again” at my new school? Or should I just hold out for the year and keep certain secrets, well, secret? —Anthony

Dear Anthony,
This is a good but tricky question.
While I am always one to lean more toward coming out of the closet, I am also always conscious of safety factors—both emotional and psychological.
I have seen it go both ways in high schools: teenagers come out and are embraced by their peers or they’re humiliated and ridiculed.
I often see it work out better for the teens who choose to come out when a gay student has a history with other students in his or her school – they’ve gone to middle school and elementary school together, for instance. When other youth have known you for a long time and have had many different kinds of experiences with you before knowing that you’re gay, it may be easier for them to accept you.
When you come out without your fellow students knowing you at all, all they see is gay and not who you are.
This is the risk you are taking by coming out as a new senior in a school where most of the kids have most likely known each other most of their lives.
I like to distinguish between privacy vs. secrecy. People tend to confuse the two and they are very different.
Privacy is a choice you make that considers your boundaries and personal choices and preferences when deciding how much you want to share about yourself . It doesn’t involve feelings of shame.
Someone might decide not to expose how much money they make for a living, political views, real hair color, or sexual fantasies and behaviors. No because they are ashamed of these things, but because they want to keep things personal for individual reasons.
Secrecy involves shame and a feeling of being damaged or flawed and tends to come into play when someone is hiding something not by their own choice. Secrets keep us sick, say some 12-step groups, and it’s true – the more you hide things about yourself of which you are ashamed, the more you will tend to act out problematic behaviors.
Shameful things often include histories of sexual abuse, weight gain or loss and addictions.
It sounds to me that if you decide not to come out that it will be a matter of privacy and not secrecy – because as you are already out!
So before you come out in your new school, I want you to make sure that you will not be risking your physical safety. Perhaps you could schedule a counseling session with one of the counselors and get a feel for what he or she thinks about the situation based on the students in the school.
But be aware that the counselor may have their own homophobia as well and the advice may be prejudiced, depending on how ga- informed and friendly they are.

I think Kort makes an excellent point about privacy v. secrecy.  The advice that I would have given Anthony is to be himself.  I wouldn’t go around announcing that I was gay, but I wouldn’t try to change who I was to hide it either.  Just let things progress naturally.  I can say this, I hope that Anthony has a good school environment.  Often, students espouse the fears and hatred that they hear from adults and in high school most of them have not become the person they will be, they have not formed their core identity yet, and their belief structure is still a work in progress.  If Anthony lives in a more liberal atmosphere, then the students will often reflect that in the way that they treat people.  However, if Anthony lives in a more conservative (Bible Belt) atmosphere,  then the students will often reflect that conservatism in the way that they treat people as well.

One commenter responded: As a teacher (retired), I would strongly urge anyone considering to come out at school, whether a student, teacher or other school community member to determine first if your school has a toxic, tolerating, accepting or celebrating atmosphere for LGBT and Questioning persons. If your school is toxic, you will not get any support and may be blamed as the cause of your own trouble. On the other end of the spectrum, a celebrating school welcomes both students, staff and parents who are from the LGBT community – and you will likely even find a Gay-Straight Alliance at that school. Tolerating schools and accepting schools fall in between the two ends of the spectrum. In a tolerating school, you may find limited support but will be told to keep your sexuality to yourself. In an accepting school, you will find staff who will stand up and support you, but only in a celebrating school are you likely to find teachers who are also “out.”

What advice would you give?


Via, Veritas, Vita

The Way, The Truth, and The Life—John 14:6

Final Thoughts

I hope that I have given us all something to consider whether you are a fellow gay member of the Churches of Christ or of any other denomination or sect of Christianity.  I have not written anything in these posts that I do not firmly believe myself.  I do believe that Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life.”  My journey to self acceptance was a long and torturous journey.  When I was sixteen, I took a handful of pills hoping that the agony that I felt would finally be over.  I did not know why I was different.  I did not yet at that time understand homosexuality.  I also did not understand the never-ending love that God has for me and all of humankind.  I thank God each and every day for me being unsuccessful on that day nearly twenty years ago.

Once I understood that the feelings I was having probably meant that I was homosexual, I had to come to terms with that.  It was not easy.  I had never once in my life been told that it was okay to be gay.  One of the early books I read while trying to figure all of this out was one called Finding the Boyfriend Within: A Practical Guide for Tapping into Your Own Source of Love, Happiness, and Respect by Brad Gooch.  Who is the Boyfriend Within? Simply put, he embodies “qualities we find attractive in ourselves but often imagine others to possess more fully, as well as … dormant qualities we wish to nurture and grow.”  The main lesson I learned from this was the technique where you basically schedule a date with yourself.  You dress nicely, cook a wonderful meal, and have a romantic evening with just you.  At first, I thought this would be my answer.  I could love myself and be content with a celibate life.

That was not the answer.  I still wanted the love of another man, and I still do want to find that man.  I wanted to feel another man in my arms, to be held by another man, to kiss another man, to make love to another man, etc.  These were all things I longed for, and things I could not give myself.  However, the struggle that I ultimately faced was: What would my family say?  How would God judge me?  So I began to pray and mediate on the subject.  I did what research I could back then, though I am a much better researcher now (thank you, graduate school).  What I came to realize back then was that God will always love me and never forsake me.  Though I won’t claim that God spoke to me like a burning bush in the desert, I do believe that the Holy Spirit allowed my heart to understand.  My faith could/would/will remain strong and never waiver.  It never did and never has.  The question was whether or not I could act on my homosexuality.  And at certain points I have been very promiscuous, which I do not think God smiled upon, but he did forgive me, and that is the most important thing.  God forgives.  God loves. God will not forsake us.

I love what Justin O’Shea had to say in a recent post in his blog Justin Dunes:

Let me tell you, briefly, I hope, what is at the bottom or foundation of me.  I’ve worked on this and as we joke about here “I am a work of art in progress. . . .always becoming.  .”  I hold fast to this.  We are created in the image and likeness of God. Love does such things. . .Love engenders and creates love.  Being a gay man is part of God’s gift to me. . .how I live this out is my gift to God. . . .and to others.. . .because to be real  ‘religion is relationships – God… Justin . . .and everyone else.’
How I love is how I live and vice versa.  I believe too that God has given me all I need to become. . .grow into the man He created me to be.  All I have to do is use what I have been given. . .and. . .as I use and share this I receive more to keep on going. .
 

One of the most important reasons that I was able to come to these same conclusions is through the loving relationships I had with my friends who welcomed my sexuality and never, not once, made me feel bad about it.  My family has been another struggle, one that I hope I will be able to resolve some day.  If you are struggling with sexuality and religion, then know that I am here to help.  I started these posts to reach out to other GLBT Christians and to GLBT members of the Churches of Christ.  I know there are other GLBT members of the Churches of Christ out there, and I do hope that they eventually come across these posts.  We need the strength that friends can supply, we need the strength that God can supply, and we need the strength that our GLBT community can supply.

Thank you for reading, and God Bless You.
I feel like there should be an AMEN in there somewhere, LOL.

Vince Malum Bono

Overcome Evil with Good (Romans 12:21)

What We Should Do As Gay Christians?


How do we move forward from here?  First of all, we must realize that not all heterosexual Christians hate us.  Yes, there are fundamentalists who will always hate us, and not much can be done to stop them.  Their answers are not for us. There is no need to pretend to ourselves and others to be straight.  There is no need to turn to celibacy, especially when we are in a committed relationship.

Dr. Randall Maddox, a professor at Pepperdine University, makes some great points about the Bible and homosexuality.  In an article in the Pepperdine student newspaper, Graphic, Maddox states:

As I understand it, the Bible says nothing about homosexuality as we use the term today.  It neither accepts nor rejects it, and, yes, I am very aware of the biblical passages that appear to address the issue.  To decide what we should do with it, I believe we must look to broader biblical principles that might seem unrelated on the surface. 
This should not be disconcerting, for we have already done this on a number of issues.  Slavery is an issue about which we have drawn conclusions that contradict the accepted practice of all societies in scripture and effectively dismiss some of God’s specific commands.  To condemn slavery requires that we call on scriptures that do not address it, and discount those that do address it by appealing to overriding biblical principles. 
There are many other such questions, past, present and future.  Interracial marriage, whether women must wear veils in church and whether they are allowed to speak, whether men may have long hair, divorce and remarriage, when life begins, genetic engineering and cloning, environmental issues, the pros and cons of a capitalistic economy, globalization, poverty, genocide, and how we should relate to extraterrestrial life if we ever encounter it — all these are examples of issues that are either not addressed in scripture, or are very muddy.  We would shudder if someone suggested we follow the clear scriptural teachings and examples on such things as women’s issues or genocide.  We must not approach any of them simplistically.

For a mathematics professor, he makes a lot of sense.  (Lame attempt at a joke; I never was great at math.) The truth is, our interpretations of the Bible have changed.  We just need to be logical and knowledgeable about the Bible.  If we are able to answer their rhetoric we can make convincing arguments.  Those who do not have faith will find it difficult to debate religion with authority because they do not hold the faith that we have. Even though many non-believers are very knowledgeable about religion, most religious people will not take credence to their words merely because they do not have faith.  Therefore, we have to speak the language of our persecutors and know how to refute them.

So I want to end this post with a few last thoughts from Professor Maddox in his response to another article by Pepperdine Accounting Professor Marilyn Misch, who had written an article stating that homosexuals should remain celibate. (The entire foundation of Dr Misch’s article lies in the following syllogism:  All sexual relations outside of marriage are sin.  Homosexual relations are (by definition) outside marriage.)  Here are Professor Maddox’s final remarks:

[First,] the reality of homosexuality is very difficult to sort out in the context of faith, even if one is forced to face it in a loved one, or in oneself.  Many faith traditions are addressing the question, are at different points on the journey, and are drawing different conclusions as they go.  I am not claiming here to present definitive answers to the biblical questions.  I am merely proposing that Dr. Misch did not present them either. 
Second, it is against my nature to write as I have written here, especially when I realize how incompletely I have addressed a complex issue.  The reason I must write is that I feel for the many readers of Dr. Misch’s article who are struggling with the reality of homosexuality in the context of faith, only to find their situation, indeed their entire selves, reduced by her article to a simplistic and faulty syllogism, implying that their entire sexual and romantic natures are nothing more than an inclination to sin.  Such undiscerning judgment has done much damage to struggling Christians.
This judgment has reduced many people to despair and led to their ultimate suicide.  And it was not because they lacked a support structure to resist temptation; it was because the romantic attraction and, yes, the love they felt for another was called sinful, and absurdly compared to such things as the addiction of alcoholism, the predatory abusiveness of pedophilia, or the birth of a retarded child.  In their hearts these struggling people wondered if their love was really like these tragedies. 
Furthermore, I know of many deeply religious people who threw away their faith, either because the dichotomy produced by simplistic exegesis was the source of irreconcilable internal contradiction, or because they tired of the naïve and undiscerning arguments presented by those who clearly could not understand their situation but claimed to represent God. 
Finally, I do not want us to be polarized by the issue of homosexuality.  Simplistic arguments in black and white can only polarize a community.  Life and faith are much more colorful and complex than Dr. Misch’s article suggests, and there will always be questions to which we do not have completely satisfying answers.  As a mathematician, I find such inconclusiveness disconcerting.  But I believe we must be willing to live with some inconclusiveness, even on matters as volatile as homosexuality, and even when it produces dissonance within our own hearts and disagreements between us. 
We all have much to learn, and much we have never experienced.  I accept that some questions do not have clear answers, and I have learned to live with the dissonance, not because I am content with it or because it allows me to live how I please, but because I am on a journey of faith.  God is leading me somewhere, and I am doing my best to follow.

The next post will be my final post in this series on Religion and Sexuality, and after that, we will return to our regularly scheduled program.


Deus Caritas Est, Veritas Est Amor

God is Love, Truth is Love

If anyone says that “God hates…” then stop them there.  God loves. In one of the articles (Copeland’s “Homosexuality: A Christian Perspective”) that I read in my research, which initially started out promising, the author’ss main thesis ended up being that God gives up on homosexuals that have gay relationships.  My initial reaction what “what the hell?” though I didn’t use hell, I used another four letter word that isn’t appropriate for a discussion of religion.
Copeland, the misguided Church of Christ minister that I mentioned yesterday, wrote that:
Three times in this section we find the expression “God gave them up (over)” (Romans 1:24,26,28). The point is clear: when people choose to reject God, or to recreate Him in their own image, God “gives them up” to “go their own way.” Unrestrained by God in any way, they gravitate into increasing levels of immorality! For some, it involves heterosexual immorality, such as pre-marital sex or adultery. But for others, it includes homosexuality and lesbianism.

I will never understand Copeland’s belief that God gives up on homosexuals.  Of all of the statements that I read in my research, this is THE most ludicrous. However, his statements only became worse:

And what is the consequence of such behavior? The apostle Paul referred to such people as: “…receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.” (Romans 1:27) An illusion to sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS? We cannot say for certain, but none can dispute that those who are willing to follow God’s Word as to sexual conduct have less to fear about STD’s than those who choose to disregard Him!

Matthew 5: 1-12, known as the Beatituteds is the best refutation of these statements by Copeland.  Read them and consider for yourself:

And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him: And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

These are not the words of Paul or one of the disciples, these are the words of Christ.  Few, if any, Christians would deny that these are the words of Christ.  The “Sermon on the Mount” as found in Matthew Chapters 5-7, are the cornerstones of the Christian faith.  In the “Sermon on the Mount” Jesus laid out for us the plan for salvation and eternal life.  It is our guidebook, and we should take it seriously.

Also, we can use the Epistles of Paul as our guide to the truth of God’s love.  In Ephesians 4:15, Paul says “But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ.”  We who profess to be Christians should remember the admonition of the apostle Paul when it comes to sharing God’s Word with those with whom we differ:

“And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.” (2 Timothy 2:24-26)

There is no place for a self-righteous, arrogant attitude on the part of those who but for the grace of God would be just as guilty of sins as those we are trying to reach!

In June 2002, Dr. Larry Keene, a founder of the “Church of the Valley” in Van Nuys, California, presented a lecture, “How Our Church Dealt with Gay Christians” at Pepperdine University, a Church of Christ school, where about 300 people attended the Convocation that was sponsored by Amnesty International in cooperation with Pepperdine’s Gay-Lesbian-Straight Alliance (GLSA).  The Pepperdine student newspaper, Graphic, published several articles (letters to the editor) about this lecture.  In one of them, a student, Jared Stuart, wrote an article titled “Pro-Con: Does the Bible accept homosexuality?” In this article, Stuart states that

One young woman rose up with the Bible in her hand and began defending her theological position. It became apparent that the Bible was the theological source of authority for most in attendance. It became even more apparent that many in the audience viewed the Bible as a literal, evangelical and fundamental source of authority.
Their point of view disabled them from seeing a contrasting perspective. They were there to defend the truth. But does the truth really need defending? Does not the truth eventually stand the test of time, and will it not eventually become self-evident within human consciousness regardless of whatever authority stands against it?

Stuart continued by stating:

Throughout the Bible there are equal and opposite points of views for any one subject. This dual perspective allows us to grapple with the very nature of God, and thus respond like he would in our daily lives.
I do not think it was his intention for us to handle the modern issues we are facing by using canonized letters, written among sister churches 2000 years ago, as a source of legal code for today’s events.

And one of my favorite passages from this article, Stuart states:

It is for this exact reason, conversely, that we must not use time-encapsulated passages within the Bible to condemn the practice of homosexuality, an orientation which has existed within nature and society for as long as humans can remember.
Common sense leads a human being to the conclusion that monogamous homosexuality is just as moral as monogamous heterosexuality. Perhaps not as common, but certainly as moral.
When one ceases to view the Bible from a literal, evangelical and fundamental perspective, one does not cease to see Christ as his or her complete Lord and Savior. I would wager to say that one sees him as Savior even more. This is the church’s responsibility and duty — to convey to believers the noble right and awesome task to use the Scriptures wisely.

We may not be able to use the Bible as our final authority on sexual orientation. But as we search for the truth, we can and should use the Bible as our final authority on how we should treat one another along the way. A young Jewish scholar once asked Jesus:

Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. (Matthew 22: 36-40)

We cannot let hate consume our faith.  Too often, ministers preach about what is wrong.  They should be teaching what is right.  As I have said before, one of the great things about my personal minister is that he preaches/teaches about how to be better humans and Christians, not the hellfire and damnation that too many ministers make the cornerstone of their sermons.  Remember, God is Love, Truth is Love, and as Christians, to love God is the greatest of commandments.

My next post will examine what we should do as Gay Christians.


Veritas Vos Liberabit

The Truth Shall Set You Free—John 8:32
What’s the Truth About Homosexuality?

I have a friend from graduate school, who is Catholic, who always said that the only problem he had with homosexuality was that they could only have pre-marital sex. Since gay people could not be married, they could not have marital sex.  Now I do have to give a caveat here:  My friend is from San Francisco and is a married heterosexual, and he was just as much a promiscuous fornicator before his marriage as the rest of us, but because he is now married he believes that he can take the high road.  I’m not faulting him on this, just stating the facts.

Being a member of the Church of Christ, this is really a non-issue because marriage is not a religious sacrament within the church.  Marriages are recognized whether they are performed in the church by  a minister or by a secular authority.  The only true doctrinal differences my friend and I had was over the idea of a Pope and the Eucharist.  He firmly believed, as most Catholics do, that the Eucharist, or the Rite of Transubstantiation, the change, in the Eucharist, of the substance of wheat bread and grape wine into the substance of the Body and Blood (respectively) of Jesus, while all that is accessible to the senses remains as before.  The Church of Christ, as does many Protestant churches, believe that the Lord’s Supper is a merely symbolic act done in remembrance of what Christ has done for them on the cross.  Sorry for the Catholics out there (no offense is meant), but I have always seen the Eucharist/Communion as symbolic and really do not see the difference because Catholics will still say that all that is accessible to the senses remains the bread and wine as before. (A side note, our church does use grape juice instead of wine mainly because we have underage people who are members of the church.  In the past, the lady who always put together the communion would occasionally use her own home-made muscadine wine if she had not been to the store that week to get the grape juice. It was always quite fun to see the look on people’s faces when they realized this substitution.)

With this introduction aside, there is still much controversy going on as to whether homosexuality is genetic or environmental in origin. (If you have been reading these posts, then you know that I believe/know that homosexuality is genetic and natural.) Many theologians believe it should be easy to understand why, for if “God made them that way” then it is not their fault they are homosexual and it must not be a sin to act out their desires. I personally do not need any research that might suggest a genetic origin as a defense. Many Christians believe that it is either environmental or that there is a predominance to be homosexual and thus can be “resisted.”

The Components For Developing A Predisposition To Homosexuality



Tim LeHaye wrote a book called The Unhappy Gays: What Everyone Should Know About Homosexuality.  LeHaye believed that there were components that were the basis for developing a predisposition to homosexuality.  He stated that a person can (and many do) have all these components and still not be a homosexual. As listed and described by LaHaye, these components include:

  • A Melancholy Temperament
  • Inadequate Parental Relationships
  • Permissive Childhood Training
  • Insecurity About Sexual Identity
  • Childhood Sexual Trauma
  • Early Interest In Sex
  • Youthful Masturbator And Sexual Fantasizer
Mark A. Copeland, a sadly misguided minister of Fortune Road Church of Christ in Kissimmee, Florida uses LeHaye’s components for developing a predisposition to homosexuality and uses the following formula:
A Predisposition Toward Homosexuality
Plus
That First Homosexual Experience Multiplied By Pleasurable and Positive Homosexual Thoughts
To Which Is Added
More Homosexual Experiences
Multiplied By
More Pleasurable Thoughts
Equals
A Homosexual
Copeland states that “when one already has a “predisposition” towards homosexuality, exposure to homosexual experiences and pleasurably reflecting upon them can create a powerful attraction difficult to overcome.”  He goes further by stating that “so powerful can these experiences and reflections be that one not even need to have developed a ‘predisposition’ to be drawn into this sort of behavior.
LeHayes and Copeland’s argument is not hard to dispute. Let’s look at these so-called components for developing a predisposition to homosexuality:
  • A Melancholy Temperament:  Yes, I and many others in the GLBT community do have a “melancholy temperament,” which I think of as the genetic tendency for depression. My mother suffers from depression and so do I.  However, Prozac is a wonder drug and has helped me combat this.  Did this have anything to do with my homosexuality? NO!
  • Inadequate Parental Relationships:  I had wonderful relationships with my parents.  I may not have had the best relationship with my father, but what son doesn’t often disagree with their father?  Go back and read my Father’s Day post to see more of our relationship. Did this have anything to do with my homosexuality? NO!
  • Permissive Childhood Training: My parents were quite strict with me growing up.  There was very little if anything that I was allowed to get away with.  My mother was a nurse and being the second child, my early childhood development went easily but was handled firmly by my parents.  I know that some people who were raised too strictly grew up to be quite wild.  Think of any preacher’s kids that you know.  I was not raised that strictly, but strict enough with a set of values that I still cherish.  Did this have anything to do with my homosexuality? NO!
  • Insecurity About Sexual Identity:  I never thought I was a little girl.  I have an older sister, who was my main playmate growing up, but she was very much a tomboy and we explored the countryside around our house.  We climbed trees, played games, etc.  I did not play with dolls, nor did I play with toy trucks either.  I loved G.I. Joe.  How more American boy could you be?  I never dressed up like a girl or put on make-up.  I never did any of those things that are seen as insecurities about sexual identity.  I was a boy, and I loved the fact that I had a penis.  Did this have anything to do with my homosexuality? NO! Well, okay maybe the love of my penis, but that had nothing to do with sexual identity. It juts meant that I was proud to be a boy.
  • Childhood Sexual Trauma: None whatsoever. There is nothing more to say about that.
  • Early Interest In Sex: Not really.  I didn’t even understand about sex until I was a teenager, when my sister explained to me what it was.  I was fairly naïve and did not even really know what homosexuality was until I was in my teens and past puberty. I knew I had feelings for guys, but didn’t know what it meant.
  • Youthful Masturbator And Sexual Fantasizer:  In this instance, does “youthful” mean pre-puberty or post-puberty.  If LeHaye is speaking of puberty onward, then we are all youthful masturbators and sexual fantasizers.  I have only ever known one guy who did not masturbate (but he did have a lot of sex).  He did not masturbate because his father was a Baptist minister, and he had been taught that masturbation was a sin.  Instead, he had lots of sex with different girls and did not consider a handjob as a form of masturbation.  I first masturbated around the age of 13 when puberty was in full swing. (It came as quite a surprise to me when semen [which I had no idea what it was] came out of my penis after my first attempt, but it was a lot of fun and like most young guys, it became a somewhat regular routine.)  Did this have anything to do with my homosexuality? NO!
What We Should Really Be Considering

The Bible is completely silent on the issue of homosexual orientation. And no wonder. Homosexual orientation wasn’t even known until the 19th century.

The discovery that some of us are created and/or shaped in our earliest infancy toward same-gender attraction was made in the last 150 years. Biblical authors knew nothing about sexual orientation. Old Testament authors and Paul assumed all people were created heterosexual, just as they believed the earth was flat, that there were heavens above and hell below, and that the sun moved up and down.

In 1864, almost 3,000 years after Moses and at least 18 centuries after the apostle Paul, the German social scientist Karl Heinrich Ulrichs was the first to declare that homosexuals were a distinct class of individuals. It was a big moment for all sexual minorities. It’s our Columbus discovering the New World. It’s our Madame Curie discovering radium used for Xrays. It’s our Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. It may seem like one small step for the rest of humanity, but it was a giant leap for us.

Ulrichs assured the world of what we who are homosexual already know in our hearts. We aren’t just heterosexuals choosing to perform same-sex behaviors. We are a whole class of people whose drive to same-sex intimacy is at the very core of our being from the very beginning of our lives.

Although the word homosexual was not used for the first time until later in the 19th century, Ulrichs recognized that homosexuals had been around from the beginning of recorded time, that we were “innately different from heterosexuals,” and that our desire for same-sex intimacy and affiliation is intrinsic, natural, inborn and/or shaped in earliest infancy. According to Dr. Ulrichs, what may have looked “unnatural” to Moses and Paul was in fact “natural” to homosexuals.  Therefore, if Paul did not have a concept of homosexuality, how could he have been denouncing it?  The answer is simple, he could not have been.

One of the arguments that Christians use to ignore or denounce homosexuality is that God has given up on us.  I will be discussing this in my next post.