Let’s face it, as men, we were born with our best friend attached to our bodies. He’s a stand up guy, well he becomes one after we hit puberty and he begins to get some hair, and he always has two nutty friends who are always hanging around and are loads of fun. Yep, this guy is our penis. Most of us probably have a nickname for our old trusted friend, but only those who are up close and personal with him have the chance to learn mine’s nickname. We may be more proud of this guy when he’s fat and/or really tall, and if he’s short and/or skinny, we might be embarrassed to show him in public, but we love him nonetheless.
He is one of our most important assets, and contrary to the belief of women, we are afraid we might lose him. Tragedies do happen, so we have to check on him fairly regularly. So I have to disagree with the mom who wrote the letter below:
My dearest sons,
You know the dangly appendage that occupies your thoughts and/or your hands for a large percentage of the day? Well, as a concerned mother, I feel it’s my duty to enlighten you on the subject of your penis.
Now, never having been in possession of one myself, I can’t be considered an outright expert, but I’d like to think that my experience raising you counts for something. After all, I’ve seen enough nakedness around this piece to rival any nude resort. So, for you, and any other boys out there, here are nine things you should know about your penis.
1. Relax; Your penis won’t fall off. It will stay right there in your pants (provided you’re wearing any), so you can stop clutching it while you watch TV and falling asleep with it in your fingers. In fact, it will be with you for the rest of your life, so maybe you should think about being a little less rough with it.
2. One exception: Having a firm grip on it is encouraged – and preferred – when using the toilet. It’s floppy, and when you don’t have it under control, you spray like a leaky hose.
3. Keep it in your drawers, ok? (This is a piece of advice that will have a different, but equally significant, meaning during your teen years – so don’t forget it.) There’s really no need to lay it on your brother’s arm. Or dip it in your chocolate milk. Or poke it through the hole of a DVD. Or wrap it around your eating utensils. Or your pencil. Or your brother’s pencil.
4. It might not hurt you when you stretch it out ten miles long like it’s made of rubber, but it hurts me just looking at it, so stop.
5. On rare occasions, you may actually let go of it in order to grasp something else. Like a sandwich, or your brother’s face. In the event of such occasions, hand-washing before you touch anything else is the courteous (and sanitary) thing to do.
6. It’s not the end of the world when it’s facing the wrong way or bunched up in your underwear. No need for a meltdown.
7. It’s handy and portable and all that, but just because you can pee anywhere doesn’t mean you should.
8. If you’re gonna stretch/dangle/pull/twist/twiddle or otherwise manhandle (boy-handle?) it, please do so in your room and spare us all a little awkwardness. Please.
9. I’ve seen it a million times, so there’s no need to waggle it in my direction after your bath, nor make it dance and jump around by thrusting around like Elvis with a hula hoop. (This also goes for your dad, so pass that tidbit along.)
I’m hoping this letter will serve as a handy reference to the proper penile etiquette, and that you’ll start having a little ding-dong dignity.
You’ll thank me later… or at least your wife will.
Lots of love, Mommy
or 
both by October Jones.
Joe
The Closet Professor 