Some of you may not find this funny (I do), but I saw this picture on a blog called Hot and Busted. Can anyone guess what he was busted for? Nonetheless, I think he’s cute. What do you think?
Category Archives: Funny
Funny Friday
I saw this and just got the pure silly giggles. I know I did a humorous post yestrday, but I couldnt help but post this for a Funny Friday. Maybe I’m just weird like that, but I also love Adele. I can’t hear this song now without thinking of this picture.
Funny Friday
Confused Bank Robber
Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.
The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.
The robbery begins.
The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, “I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?”
“Perfectly,” he said.
He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes, two minutes pass…seven minutes pass – and the first lover is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He’s got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard’s pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the guys are getting away, the first lover says “I thought you understood the plan!”
The second lover said, “I did! I did exactly what you said!”
“No, you idiot,” he replied. “You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!”
Blowing Smoke
Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
“What is your name?” he asked.
“John,” the guy answered.
“And why were you arrested?” the judge asked.
“I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke.” he answered.
The judge didn’t see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“John,” the guy answered.
“Why were you arrested?” the Judge asked.
“I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke.” he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, ‘This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!’ he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
“What’s your name?? No wait, let me guess; John.” he said.
“No,” said the guy, “My name is Smoke.”
Gay Parrot
A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”
“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”
“I understand every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird.”
“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer; can’t you?”
“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. “I can’t afford that.”
“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer.”
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He’s funny; he’s interesting; he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your lover and the mailman.”
“What?” asks the guy.
“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth.”
“What happened then?” asks the guy.
“Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over,” reports the parrot.
“My God!” the guy says. “Then what?”
“Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down.” The parrot pauses for a long time…
“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.
“That’s what pisses me off. I don’t know.” said the parrot. “I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch.”
If we can’t laugh at ourselves…then who can we laugh at. I hope you guys enjoyed these little snippets of fun. Some of them are kind of old, but I still find them funny.
Schrödinger’s Cat
Big Bang Theory is by far my favorite show on TV right now. It is smart and funny without being mean-spirited or too bawdy. On one of the earlier episodes, Leonard has asked Penny out on a date. Neither knows whether or not they should go through with it, and both end up asking the socially inept Sheldon for advice. Sheldon’s answer to their queries is the story of Schrödinger’s Cat. If you would like to see the clip in which Sheldon explains Schrödinger’s Cat, click this link here. After seeing the episode several times, I decided that I would do a little research into Schrödinger’s Cat and I came across the following explanatory poem from The Straight Dope. I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did.
A STRAIGHT DOPE CLASSIC FROM CECIL’S STOREHOUSE OF HUMAN KNOWLEDGE
The story of Schroedinger’s cat (an epic poem)
May 7, 1982
Dear Cecil:
Cecil, you’re my final hope
Of finding out the true Straight Dope
For I have been reading of Schroedinger’s cat
But none of my cats are at all like that.
This unusual animal (so it is said)
Is simultaneously live and dead!
What I don’t understand is just why he
Can’t be one or other, unquestionably.
My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
In one I’m enlightened, the other I ain’t.
If you understand, Cecil, then show me the way
And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
Then I will and won’t see you in Schroedinger’s zoo.
— Randy F., Chicago
Cecil replies:
Schroedinger, Erwin! Professor of physics!
Wrote daring equations! Confounded his critics!
(Not bad, eh? Don’t worry. This part of the verse
Starts off pretty good, but it gets a lot worse.)
Win saw that the theory that Newton’d invented
By Einstein’s discov’ries had been badly dented.
What now? wailed his colleagues. Said Erwin, “Don’t panic,
No grease monkey I, but a quantum mechanic.
Consider electrons. Now, these teeny articles
Are sometimes like waves, and then sometimes like particles.
If that’s not confusing, the nuclear dance
Of electrons and suchlike is governed by chance!
No sweat, though — my theory permits us to judge
Where some of ’em is and the rest of ’em was.”
Not everyone bought this. It threatened to wreck
The comforting linkage of cause and effect.
E’en Einstein had doubts, and so Schroedinger tried
To tell him what quantum mechanics implied.
Said Win to Al, “Brother, suppose we’ve a cat,
And inside a tube we have put that cat at —
Along with a solitaire deck and some Fritos,
A bottle of Night Train, a couple mosquitoes
(Or something else rhyming) and, oh, if you got ’em,
One vial prussic acid, one decaying ottom
Or atom — whatever — but when it emits,
A trigger device blasts the vial into bits
Which snuffs our poor kitty. The odds of this crime
Are 50 to 50 per hour each time.
The cylinder’s sealed. The hour’s passed away. Is
Our pussy still purring — or pushing up daisies?
Now, you’d say the cat either lives or it don’t
But quantum mechanics is stubborn and won’t.
Statistically speaking, the cat (goes the joke),
Is half a cat breathing and half a cat croaked.
To some this may seem a ridiculous split,
But quantum mechanics must answer, “Tough shit.
We may not know much, but one thing’s fo’ sho’:
There’s things in the cosmos that we cannot know.
Shine light on electrons — you’ll cause them to swerve.
The act of observing disturbs the observed —
Which ruins your test. But then if there’s no testing
To see if a particle’s moving or resting
Why try to conjecture? Pure useless endeavor!
We know probability — certainty, never.’
The effect of this notion? I very much fear
‘Twill make doubtful all things that were formerly clear.
Till soon the cat doctors will say in reports,
“We’ve just flipped a coin and we’ve learned he’s a corpse.”‘
So saith Herr Erwin. Quoth Albert, “You’re nuts.
God doesn’t play dice with the universe, putz.
I’ll prove it!” he said, and the Lord knows he tried —
In vain — until fin’ly he more or less died.
Win spoke at the funeral: “Listen, dear friends,
Sweet Al was my buddy. I must make amends.
Though he doubted my theory, I’ll say of this saint:
Ten-to-one he’s in heaven — but five bucks says he ain’t.”
— Cecil Adams
Red-Faced Jazz
A U.K.-based radio station’s programmers are understandably red-faced after they inadvertently aired five minutes of a gay porn soundtrack.
Pink News reports that Jazz FM, which focuses on light jazz, standards and occasional blues numbers, aired a recording of what sounded like “two British men in a mostly wordless, but fairly graphic, exchange” on Sunday.
You can listen to a recording of the broadcast here (WARNING: contains graphic language).
Mike Vitti, the station’s head of programming, has issued a statement apologizing for the gaffe: “Unfortunately we had an unauthorized access to the live feed this evening which resulted in a highly regrettable incident. Please accept our profound and sincere apologies for any offence that may have been caused.”
Mike Vitti, station programme director, said disciplinary action would follow.
A spokesman for the broadcasting regulator Ofcom told PinkNews.co.uk that it has “received a small number of complaints and is currently assessing whether the broadcast broke the Broadcasting Code”. If found in breach, broadcasters can receive a fine or the loss of a license although this is thought highly unlikely in this case.
PinkNews.co.uk wrote that a broadcast assistant was watching pornography while the recorded show was being broadcast and that they accidentally transmitted the audio of the porn to the nation because their microphone was erroneously active.
If We Can’t Laugh at Ourselves…
Three friends – two straight guys and a gay guy — and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”
Then came the second straight guy. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Dick.”
_______________
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But what the heck,” he says, “I really want a drink.”
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the guy, “What’s the name of your penis?”
The customer says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”
The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called ‘Nike,’ for the slogan, ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his ‘Snickers’, because ‘It really Satisfies’.”
The guy looks confused so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The guy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of your penis?”
The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.”
The thirsty straight guy asks, “Why Timex?”
The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!”
A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you call your penis?”
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because ‘Quality is Job 1.’ ” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?”
Even more shaken, the straight guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my penis is ‘Secret.’ Now give me my beer.”
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret?”
The customer says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”
________________
How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
________________
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”
The man says, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend.”
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
The man says, “I found out that my son is gay.”
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
The man looks up and says, “Apprently my wife does.”
_____________
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how handsome John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns’ sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Mark came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Mark, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”
_____________
Like I said, if we can’t laugh at ourselves…then who can we laugh at. I hope you guys enjoyed these little snippets of fun. Some of them are kind of old, but I still find them funny.
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The Closet Professor 