Last night, I had a (sort of) date. I met a guy on Grindr who genuinely interested in being friends. He’s a new grad student at a nearby college. He’s there for a graduate degree in writing and publishing and is from the Middle East. He is a very sweet guy. He’s a poet. Anyway, we went to dinner and then over to the college to listen to a lecture by a children’s author. He will be here for four months then home for summer and then back in the fall. If nothing else, he will be a good friend to go have dinner and such with. It will be nice to have someone to do things with and explore with.

Are you wondering what the above picture has to do with this post. Well they are looking out he window. Looking toward the future, which is what I’m doing.

  
Our blog friend John has started a new blog. Some of you may have known him through “Behind the Mask,” but he said that he didn’t like the name nor could he ever get going with that blog. The new blog is what I’m calling a “brother blog.” Cities have sister cities and ships have sister ships, but since both my blog and his are both run by men, I decided that brother blog was a more appropriate term.

John asked me for suggestions for the name of his new blog. I’ve never been very inventive or much of a wordsmith, though I love plays on words and puns, I’m not good at it. A blog name should speak something about you. The title “The Closet Professor” fit me because I was a teacher and in many rural areas, even high school teachers used to be known as professor. Plus, when I was teaching college, “The Professor” was a nickname some of my friend gave me. While it doesn’t necessarily fit me now, I’m not going to change it. It’s who I am in the blog world and what I will remain for the foreseeable future.

Back to blog names…Some are inventive play on words, such as Michael’s “In Dodd We Trust” or mystery writer Greg Herren’s “Queer and Loathing in America.” Others are pretty straight forward such as “BosGuy” or “daninokc.” Both are simple but effective. Some of them can even use archaic words to give a subtlety to their title, such as one NSFWish pictorial blog about butts I know called “Callipygian Male” (Callipygian meaning “having well-shaped buttocks”) or  another NSFWish blog, “Salmagundi” (Salmagundi means “a general mixture; a miscellaneous collection). As much as I might try, I am just not that clever with words, so my titles have always been boring. However, I have always liked the title “The Closet Professor” and when asked about a blog title, my response was, “Well, you could always be my brother blog and name it ‘The Closet Preacher?'” To my astonishment, John liked the idea.

So my first in what maybe one day will become a family of blogs, “The Closet Preacher” was born. So what is “The Closet Preacher” about? Duh, John is a closeted preacher, lol. But to be more serious, “The Closet Preacher” is a blog where John shares his life and research with the world. He write anonymously, of course, because he is gay and closeted.

Here is what he says in his “About Me” page:

My name is John. I am an ordained minister in the Church of God. I serve a growing congregation in the Southeastern United States, where I was raised. I have preached since I was eighteen years old and I have worked as a youth pastor, associate pastor, and, now, pastor, totaling eight years of experience.

I enjoy cooking, reading, traveling, and visiting historical sites, graveyards, and museums. I am fanatical about Ole Miss Football and Duke Basketball. I frequent small barbecue joints and guzzle very sweet tea. I like midnight driving with the windows down. And, Dave Matthews is my favorite band.

I have known I was gay since middle school and I am proud to be gay. But, I am forced to live deep in the closet, for the moment, because of my vocation.

His first blog post is a beautiful devotional. I hope that you will go check out his blog.

  
As the year comes to an end we look forward to a new one filled with good fortune. Those hopes and expectation about the future are precisely how traditions get started and according to the country you are living in you are ruled by them. But this is a fun tradition. In the South, we have our traditional meals of greens, black-eyed peas, and pork, but around the world, superstitions abound and one of those is the color underwear that you wear on New Year’s Day.

Did you know that men in several countries follow an strict color-coded custom to celebrate the New Year? Most of the countries listed here seemed to agree that wearing black is not good (I’m a bit superstitious myself, so I will not be wearing black and follow the advice just in case) and if worn on New Year’s Eve will bring bad luck and misfortune in the new year. In Spain with their fondness for eating twelve grapes at midnight, Spaniards wearing tight red underwear to keep you warm and is a symbol of life during the cold months. In Puerto Rico, their tradition is to wear tighty whities to aid fertility and a year of good health. I love how every country think that they have unlocked some kind of secret connected to their crotches and bulges to improve their luck in the next planetary solar trip around the sun. Brazilians go for bright orange to provide a year of professional success. In Peru, they wear green underwear inside out to bring positive energy in the new year. They change them back at midnight. Chinese of course have chosen red as it is always a lucky color for the new year. Men from the Philippines are the most eccentric and they prefer polka dots for their underwear as the round shape symbolizes prosperity. Argentinians don pink undies for a better chance in their love life. Bolivians also wear pink to keep friendships strong and if worn backwards, they double your luck in the new year. The men of Columbia no Ecuador wear yellow underwear to inspire a year of happiness and good fortune. In order to have a year of tranquility, Portuguese men sport blue. Like the Spanish and Chinese, Italians wear red but for them, it’s for a year of good cheer. If you received the red underwear as a gift the day before, then they provide even more cheer.

Since Spain, Italy, and China all agree that red is the correct color, that’s the color I am donning for the day (I even bought a pair as a gift to myself yesterday), though I started the year in a pair of orange underwear in hopes that it will provide a year filled with professional success.

What New Year’s superstitions do you follow? Whatever they may or may not be, I hope that 2016 is a good year that will be filled with good memories for all of us. Happy New Year, everyone!

In the year of our Lord two thousand fifteen, there has been many ups and downs. I think though that in many ways, it will be remembered as a year of crossroads. In January of last year, I was in a miserable job that was getting more miserable each day. I was teaching high school. I had students who didn’t care nor did they want to try. I was more of a babysitter who felt like he was herding cats than a teacher. From January to April, I suffered from one long chronic headache which had actually begun the previous November. At times, the pain was unbearable, but I was finally correctly diagnosed with cluster headaches instead of migraines. I was given the correct treatment, which seemed to work. I was pain free for the first time in six months. I still experienced minor cluster headaches, but nothing like what I’d previously experienced. I was feeling more hopeful.

Then on the last teacher workday of the school year, I was called into my headmaster’s office and told that my contract would not be renewed. So instead of enjoying my summer off, like all teachers are entitled to because of the horrors and stress of the school year, I had to hunt for a job. The job hunt became a full time job in itself. I worked on applications from the time I woke until I went to bed. I made the decision though to get out of teaching. I still applied to some college teaching jobs but after looking for seven years already, I didn’t see much hope in that direction. However, I made the decision to move into the museum field. I began to volunteer at a local museum to gain some experience. My volunteer work was the highlight of my summer.

With the love, support, and advice of my readers and some dear friends, I made it through the summer. In July, I set up a GoFundMe site to help pay for new training in museum studies, and to get a new laptop to help with writing a novel I began to write. More on that later. Without those donations, I’m not sure I would have been able to make it through the summer or had the money to ove and begin a new life in the fall. I receive so much help from many of you that I can’t thank you enough. I had days and weeks when rejection letters poured in, and I became despondent and sunk into a deep depression. I kept faith though that God would guide me to the right job. My faith took me through that ordeal.

In August, I was checking out a new job posting site when I came across a job that seemed ideal. They were looking for someone who had my qualifications, and I even met the preferred qualifications. If you’ve ever been on a job hunt, you know how hard it can be to fill all of the requirements for a job. Jobs often post a wish list as opposed to what they really need. I turned out to be this museum’s wish list. It took a month, but I finally got called for a phone interview, which went well. Then I got called for an on campus interview. The last call was to hire me for the job. I accepted immediately and began packing to move to Vermont.

The drive up to Vermont wasn’t what I expected. As I was driving through Knoxville, Tennessee, I hit something on the interstate that ruptured my gas tank, and I was stranded there for a few days while a new gas tank was found and installed. I finally made it though safe and sound and moved into my new apartment. I fell in love with Vermont immediately. I’m still in the honeymoon phase. As I settled into my job, I found out just how perfect a job it was for me. Yes, there have been challenges. The two people who had the job before me couldn’t have been more different, so I’ve been working to standardized the job and get things in order the best I can. I couldn’t ask for a more wonderful group of people to work with though. They have been so accepting, supportive, and kind.

Just as I was settling into my job, my world came crashing down again. My best friend and closest confidante who I loved like the brother I never had was suddenly killed in a car accident. I’d been devastated when I lost my job, but the loss of my best friend was world shattering. With the loss of my job, I had faith that God would guide me on the right path, but the loss of my friends tore holes in my faith. I couldn’t understand (still can’t) how God could allow this to happen. Why God didn’t save him. My days have been lost without him. I’ve had friends who have offered tremendous support, and I’ve received some wonderful words of wisdom from my blog readers. I’m finally able to discuss my friend without bursting into tears, but my depression has grown and the frequency of my panic attacks have increased. Also, my cluster headaches are back, and while the medicine that I take to prevent them somewhat lessens the intensity, they are back to waking me in the middle of the night. They’d begun again before my friend’s death, but had only come on weekends, but for the past month since his death, they have been constant. Pain relievers help for a few hours, but there is only so much pain medication you can take without it becoming a problem.

I’m hoping that on a whole, 2016 will be better. While I’ve made a new home for myself in Vermont and it’s been a tremendously positive change, so much of the rest of 2015 was unexpectedly horrific. I went to my doctor’s office here in Alabama yesterday, and I was given medicine to help with the headaches as well as a new antidepressant that will help with the one I am already on. Hopefully, the combination of the new medicine and the therapist I’ve been seeing will help alleviate the depression, which in turn I am hoping will help end this new cycle of cluster headaches.

I have a lot of hopes for the new year. The novel is still in the works, and I expect to finish it sometime in the coming year. It will be dedicated to the friend that I lost not only because he was the greatest friend I’ve ever known but he was the one who encouraged me to write a novel and he read and helped edit the parts of the novel that has already been written. I see great thing on the horizon for my new job and my new life in Vermont. I’m also working to lose weight and get in better shape. I got a Fitbit for Christmas. Since I’ve been in Alabama, people have already told me that I look like I’ve lost weight. I don’t know that I have but maybe there’s been some fat replaced by muscle. I have two years until I turn 40 and I plan to be in good shape when I hit that milestone year.

This past year will probably always live in my memory for two reasons: a beginning of a new life and the loss of the life of my friend. If I could, I’d trade my new life for that of my friend’s lost life in a heartbeat. I’d do anything to have him back, but unless time travel is invented, I cannot change what happened. I can’t bring him back, no matter how much I wish I could. The year has also been a dichotomy of faith. My faith brought me through losing my job and finding a new and better one; however, the loss of my friend has cracked my faith. It hasn’t shattered it, but it has caused me to question some of my long held beliefs about my faith and God’s role in our lives. I’m working through those questions. I don’t expect answers, but with the help of some very good friends, I hope to work though my current crisis of faith.

May you all have a wonderful 2016!

  
Today is my thirty-eighth birthday, and since this blog started in 2010, it is the fifth birthday I’ve had while doing this blog. The first year, I didn’t even mention that it was my birthday, though a few friends wished me a happy birthday in the comment section that day. That second year, I wrote:

I am now entering my thirty-fourth year….I try not to spend my birthdays thinking, “I thought I’d be somewhere bigger doing something better by now.” Though sometimes, this thought does cross my mind….However, I have the firm belief that God has a plan for me. I don’t know yet what it is, but I have to believe that I am where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. There is no room for regrets in life, though we all have them. Instead, I like to take each day as they come and look to the future. I try to be the person I want to be and strive to be all that I can be, which is really the most we can ask of ourselves. We also must know our limitations, so that we are not disappointed when we try to do too much at once.

Obviously, I was regretting that my life wasn’t more. I was unhappy teaching, and while,I know I was doing good as a teacher, I felt like I was a failure and was wasting my education. Th next year, in 2012, I didn’t reflect on my birthday. I wrote about it being St. Andrews Day and I mentioned some famous people who share my November 30th birthday, such as one of my literary heroes, Mark Twain. The next year, my birthday fell on a Saturday and I posted a slightly risqué post titled “Moment of Zen: Alone Time.” You can either let your imagination take you where you will with that, or click on the link and satisfy your curiosity, though some of you I know have already read it because you left birthday wishes in the comments. That brings us to last year when my birthday fell on a Sunday, so my post began with the following Bible verse:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. -Jeremiah 29:11

As I reflect back on this blog through the years, I think that one of my central messages has been that God has a plan for each of us. While this time last year, I had no doubt that God had a plan for me, I don’t know if I truly believed that He would give me “a future and a hope.” This time last year, I was frustrated with my life. I was having chronic cluster headaches that were waking me in the middle of the night. I dreaded going to my job. I wanted an escape. I would never imagine a year ago that I’d be where I am today. I’d have never thought that six months later I’d be out of a job, or that I’d spend a torturous summer looking for a new job. I’d have certainly never believed that I’d not only find an advertisement for a dream job but that I’d get that dream job. Things like that have never really happened in my life.

Now, I find myself with a wonderful job with great benefits in a liberal New England state. I am being given my birthday as a paid holiday, or that my coworkers, insisting that I not be alone all day on my birthday, are taking me out to lunch. My other plans for today are to make myself an official citizen of Vermont. I’m going to get my new driver’s license, new license plates, and register to vote. Then I plan to treat myself to see Mockingjay, Part II and probably go and have a nice dinner. I expect it to be a good day.

As I wrote four years ago: 

I love having a birthday. It’s my special day, and though some people hate being a year older, I always find it better than the alternative. At thirty-four, I still have a lot of life left to live, and on this journey, I hope that it is bit of an adventure. There is an old Chinese curse that states: “May you live in interesting times.” I have never thought this to be a curse, especially as an historian. In the present, we live on the front lines of history, and what would life be, if it were always boring.

It’s bound to be interesting times when you live in a state that elects Bernie Sanders to the Senate and where the vast majority support Bernie for president.

  
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving at my coworker’s. This was my first Thanksgiving ever without my family, but it was still a nice Thanksgiving. We had a nice southern style Thanksgiving, since my coworker and her husband are also southerners. There was so much food for just the four of us, but that’s how southerners are, we always cook too much. We can’t handle the idea that there might not be enough, so we make sure to make extra. For my part I took a corn casserole and a sweet potato soufflé. I always love the corn casserole, and the sweet potato soufflé was good but a tad bit too sweet. It wasn’t until I got home that I realize why it was so sweet. I’d forgotten to add the cream to it. I’m a pretty good cook, but that’s not the first time I’ve accidentally left out an ingredient. Thankfully this time wasn’t disastrous, like the time I made a blackberry cobbler and forgot to add the leavening agent. It was so rubbery and hard you could have patched a tore with it. The sweet potato soufflé would have still been sweet but the cream should have cut down a little on the sweetness. It was still good, in fact, all of the food was delicious. My coworker went out of her way to make a traditional southern Thanksgiving for my first one away from family.

I think the highlight of my day was my coworker’s son. He’s only six, but he was so excited to have a guest. I think her son just thinks I’m the greatest thing. He’s so cute. At one point he just curled up next to me on the couch and he insisted that I sit next to him at dinner. He has lots of energy, just like my niece does. Also, like my niece he has ADHD, which he takes medicine for. I’ve known a lot of people with ADHD. My best friend has ADHD. He always tells me about his little rabbit brain that jumps from topic to topic. I always love to talk with him because we can go from conversation to conversation so easily (I have a bit of a rabbit brain too). He gets embarrassed by his ADHD, and I understand. He was diagnosed very late in his college years, but he still managed to be very successful. He’s an amazing guy, but I’m a bit off track.

My coworker’s son is just a bundle of energy, but he is the sweetest kid. He went outside and took a picture of their house and had his mom text it to me so that I’d know where I was supposed to go. Then he sat by the window waiting for me to arrive. He was very excited. One thing I’ve learned from ADHD kids, from my niece to my friend to former students, is that when they have a difficult time with something they get impatient and thus frustrated. My coworker and I were watching her son try do something, and it took him several tries to do it. My coworker said that he was about to get very mad, but I watched and I could tell he was really trying to be good today while I was there. I could tell that he was doing his best to keep himself under control, which shows just what a good kid he really is. It was very sweet. I know he was struggling to keep control, but he did because he wanted to do his best to make a good impression.

I was amazed at how well he did, but one thing I’ve noticed with most people with ADHD is that they are very smart. Not all of them realize it because they have a hard time concentrating on one thing at a time. They have so much energy and their brain is going in so many different directions. I have to say though, in everyone I have known with ADHD, a little patience is what they really need, and those who don’t have ADHD need a lot of energy. If you’ve ever known someone with ADHD, you know how loving and good-hearted they are. That might not be true of all people who are ADHD, but it is true of all the ones I’ve known.

I think that the most important lesson I’ve learned in life is to have patience and to trust in God. Those two things go hand in hand. Sometimes, there just isn’t any need to be in a hurry. Just because I’ve learned to be patient doesn’t mean that I always am. A little patience goes a long way, and you never know how much you can affect someone’s life by just being patient with them. So here’s my lesson for the day: when you know someone who is ADHD, be patient. Too many people think that ADHD is really just someone being bad, but what’s really the problem is that people aren’t patient when they need to be. Also, it sometimes has to do with the fact that we don’t show enough love when it’s really needed and sometimes being patient is the best way to show love.

Usually, I write my posts the night before and schedule them for in the morning. Trust me I am not punctual enough to post at the same time every morning. I sometimes sleep late, but last night I was sleepy and decided that this would be a post that I would actually write on Thanksgiving morning.

I have so much to be thankful for this year. I won’t list everyone, because most of it would be repeating what I’ve already said in previous posts, but you can go back and read posts like “I Love My Job” or yesterday’s “Vermont v. Alabama.” There are of course others that I’ve talked about being happy and loving my new life. Six months ago, I’d have never believed that this life would be possible. I certainly wouldn’t have believed anyone saying that I’d be living in Vermont.

While I a, very grateful for the big stuff, there are little things too. Take for instance the fact that I can sit on my bed naked and type this post up without worrying if someone will walk in. It’s one of the things I love about living alone, which is something that I’m grateful for because it allows me certain freedoms I lacked before. If I want to get on Grindr in the middle of the night and bring a guy here or go to his place, I can do so without any explanation. I can run and do errands at any time without worrying about anyone else. I can watch what I want on TV. Yes, those are mostly small things, but it’s a freedom I haven’t had in years.

So I am very thankful for my new life: a new job, a new home, a new location, etc. Nearly everything about this experience is new, but it’s wonderful. I’m loving every minute of it. Now, I need to get up and put on some clothes so I can cook a couple of dishes to take to my coworker’s house for Thanksgiving lunch.

  
Right now as I post this, I’m getting ready for work. If either of these guys were helping me, I’d surely be late. Anyway, I had a post I’d planned to write today, but I got engrossed in catching up with How to Get Away with Murder in time for its midseason finale, and I didn’t get it written. When I finished watching that, I went to bed early. Have a great day, and I plan to post what I think will be an interesting post tomorrow, and I hope it will gain a lot of comments. Until then…

Last night was my family’s last night on Vermont. My dad said that it seemed like all he had done was eaten and didn’t want any dinner, so my mother and I went to dinner on our own. We walked a block or so from their hotel and found this little pizza place called Positive Pie that I had heard good things about. We both had the shrimp scampi because they don’t just serve pizza but Italian food in general. We had the cutest waiter (not the guy in the picture above), who I’m pretty sure was gay because he was very flirtatious toward me. First of all, let me say that it went nowhere because of three things: 1) my mother was there, 2) he was more than half my age, and 3) he was obviously flirting to get a good tip. I’ve always had a thing for guys in the service industry: waiters, bartenders, baristas, etc., and it is fun to get some positive attention, even if you know it won’t lead anywhere. That being said, this will not be my last visit to Positive Pie.

I was telling a friend of mine about my encounter with the waiter, and he encouraged me to try more to make friends up here and not just coworkers. It’s hard to make friends though. On gay.net’s Ask Adam (http://www.gay.net/dating/2015/10/28/ask-adam-how-can-gay-guys-find-friends), there was a question about how gay guys can find friends. “Isolated in Illinois” seems to have a similar situation to me, and I liked Adam’s answer, which you can read below. There are at least one or two gay men’s groups around here and I’ve been invited to attend a supper club that’s an our or so south of here, which would be lots of fun. I just need to find the courage to follow Adam’s advice. Read the column below, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
ASK ADAM: HOW CAN GAY GUYS FIND FRIENDS?

Dear Adam,

I know how to talk to people, I’m reasonably smart and attractive, and yet I feel isolated a lot of the time. I knew how to make friends in college, but since graduating five years ago, I’ve yet to make a real friend. Is this normal?

Signed,

Isolated in Illinois
Dear Isolated in Illinois,

Modern life can be a lonely place.

Most people are struggling with this, but LGBT people can feel especially isolated. It comes with the territory of being different. And you’ve always been different.

As a teenager, you never could fully join the exciting conversations and social rituals around opposite-sex attraction. You may have faked it, but you never were really a part of it. 

While all your friends were crushing on the movie stars of the day, you silently longed for all the “wrong” ones. Even the nerdy, heterosexual outcasts in your school belonged in a way you didn’t. Because they were straight, they really didn’t have to question if they were a member of the human race. At an unconscious level, many LGBT people don’t feel like a member of the human race. We can feel like a different species.

And while you may have already worked hard to accept your differences, at some level, we all just want to fit in. This is wired into primates. So it isn’t surprising that we may struggle a little more with feelings of loneliness and isolation as grown ups. 

Like all worthwhile experiences, creating friendships takes work. There’s a myth that it should be easy, that it should just happen. In reality, building a network of friends requires the same kind of strategic activity that goes into finding a job or the love of your life.

Practical Advice

What follows is my best tip on building your friendship network.

There is something magic about seeing the same group of people each week for months and years. Just the consistent close proximity creates the safety that is needed to turn a stranger into a friend. This is why it is easier to make friends in college. Therefore, joining weekly groups is the number one best way to make a friend. 

Do you know who has the best social network in any city? It’s people who attend 12-step groups like Alcoholics Anonymous. This makes sense: they are a group of people who meet frequently to try and be authentic, supportive, and remove a piece of the social mask. 

Who else meets regularly? It’s the people in the LGBT sports league, the LGBT volunteer service organization, the LGBT spiritual or arts group, the LGBT meetup.comgroup. Google will lead you to them.

Yes, joining groups takes time and you are busy with work. But people who join groups tend to be people who can commit to people. And those are the people who make good friends.

It’s also a great way to find a committed partner. Personal disclosure moment: I found my husband, and all my previous boyfriends before him, through LGBT volunteer groups.

The Path From Acquaintance to Friend

You may know lots of people, but still feel isolated. The secret sauce that turns acquaintances into friends is personal disclosure. There’s a limit to how far you can get with a person if you aren’t willing to reveal something that feels vulnerable about yourself.

Again, this can be a little more challenging for LGBT people. We’ve been trained since we were 6 years old to hide what we feel. What we liked wasn’t good. It was disgusting. Or so we were told.

So it takes practice. Begin revealing something only a little uncomfortable and see how that goes. If your acquaintance handles that well then you can test out the next level of disclosure.

Ultimately, the most powerful way to deepen a connection with someone is to dare to admit your friendly affection for them. 

If you have butterflies in your stomach when talking about yourself, then you’ll know you are doing something right. There is no personal growth without butterflies.

Don’t think friends are all that important to happiness?

According to Bronnie Ware, a palliative nurse who wrote The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, one of the top regrets of people who are dying are: “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends”.

Too busy for friends? Another one of the top five regrets of the dying is “I wished I didn’t work so hard.”

Your relationships truly matter.

ADAM D. BLUM, MFT is a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of the Gay Therapy Center, which specializes in relationship and self-esteem issues for LGBT people. The Center offers services in their San Francisco offices, or by Skype and phone worldwide. Visit their website to subscribe to their e-newsletter and free guide on building gay relationships. Follow them on Facebook and read their blog. Email Adam your questions for possible publication. Questions may be edited.