I’m not sure what the above painting is called or who the artist is, but for me, it summed up a lot of emotions I’ve been experiencing. After two weeks, I thought I’d be able to come to terms with the loss of my friend, and while I can keep from crying, there is still an emptiness that I cannot deny. This will be a short post because if I wrote any more it would just be a repeat of emotions I’ve already discussed.
I was glad to see that Jordan Smith was the winner of Season 9 of The Voice.

  
Some of you may or may not have noticed this, but I removed a blog from my “Blogs I Like” in the lefthand column. Some of you came to my blog from that blog. Some of you already know why because I’ve seen that you commented on the last post of that blog. The thing is, this person had written a blog as three different people for years. Suddenly yesterday, he told the “truth” that he was a man more than twice the age of the people he pretended to be and that all of it had been a lie. He claimed there were grains of truth, but who the hell really knows at this point. A few weeks ago, the same thing had happened on another blog (not one I read, the one from yesterday I did usually read). The blog from a few weeks ago turned out to be a female author pretending to be a gay man.

Gay romance is filled with women who write under a male pen name. That doesn’t bother me, because mostly it’s an open secret to those who pay attention to the industry. Also, it’s nothing new, women have been using male pen names for centuries. When you’re trying to sell books, it really is about getting published and actually selling the book. That’s an entirely different debate and not the same thing.

If you’ve ever been on a gay dating site, you know that people on the internet lie. That’s one of the thing about the Internet, there have always been and there always will be people who lie and deceive. They will always make excuses for why they do so, but it is still lies and deception. Lies and deceit just hurt other people, and ultimately it will bite you in the ass. I think what hurt the most and angered me about this situation is the memory of my friend who recently died. He had the real issues that this guy described in his blog. He looked up to “these guys” and it gave him hope that things could be better for him. If he had lived, he would have been completely devastated by this. The thing is that I know my friend wasn’t the only person who did identify with that blog, and I’m sure they are now devastated as well.

I sure these blogs I’ve mentioned won’t be the only blogs who reveal they are all lies. I think of all the gay bloggers who are out there and are real. For everyone of these fakes that emerges more people will doubt the validity of others. That’s the saddest part. Because when I say, I’m real, I sure there are people who will doubt that. The truth is that I’m just not creative enough to make all of this up and I’m certainly not cruel enough to do so. When I pour out my emotions on this blog, I do so with my whole heart. Over the course of this blog, I have been devastated by three major losses in my life: my grandmama, my beloved cat Victoria, and my best friend. I’m not even going to count he loss of my job, because that turned out pretty damn well in the end, but the other losses devastated me. You’ve been there when I was happy and excited over other events in my life. There have been many ups and downs, and believe me when I say that I like happy ending and happy stories. If I was making this stuff up, I would never have included the downs. I know the many people who follow me feel my ups and downs. I couldn’t live with myself if I were making this stuff up because I’d know I was allowing people to be hurt over things that weren’t true.

Some of you know my last name (yes, my real first name is Joe, well actually Joseph, but most people just call me Joe). Some of you know where I live, or know my address. If you pay attention, it wouldn’t be terribly hard to figure out where I work. Others have talked to me on the phone, some have even met me in person. Some really long time readers are friends of mine on Facebook. My Facebook, my GoFundMe account, and even the Facebook for where I work, have real pictures of me.

This post wasn’t to convince you that I am real, but to talk about the deceptions of others. I am most certainly real.

At least for a little while, I am going to suspend my Saturday Moments of Zen. I’ve always used them as something that made me happy or made me smile, but I’m sure y’all understand that right now it’s hard for me to find those moments. I promise that they will return, it may just be a few more weeks at least. I will bring them back because they were my late friend’s favorite part of my blog. He always said that he enjoyed everything about it, even if he wasn’t much of a poetry fan, but he always found joy in my Moments of Zen. I will bring them back in honor of him, but right now, I just don’t have the inspiration for them.

  
I don’t know that someone can ever get over the loss of their best friend, especially when that person was so integral to your life. For me, it seems like each day gets a little better. I can talk about him now without bursting into tears, but then there are times when I want to tell him something and I realize that I can’t. When I have moments of happiness or moments when I’m not thinking of the loss, I feel guilty for thinking that way. 

Last week when I couldn’t seem to stop having thoughts sadness filled with the loss of a willingness to go on, I knew I needed some counseling. I saw a counselor last week, and I will see him again today. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts, but I wished that it could have been me in that car accident and not my friend. I’m not sure when or if I will get over wishing that it had been me instead of him. He had so much life to live and so many wonderful things yet to do.

Anyway, it’s getting a little easier each day, the grief and sadness isn’t, but the ability to continue becomes a little easier. I’ve thought for a while that I needed to see a counselor, so I think these appointments will do me good on many levels. I have to remind myself to still find the joys in life because that’s what my friend would have encouraged me to do. He was the person I always turned to in times of need, and I need him now more than ever.

Thank you all for your words of sympathy and support. They mean a lot to me and have helped me through this last week and a half.

  
Many of you have emailed and left comments. I have not had the ability to respond. Every time I think of the tragic accident and the loss of my friend, I begin to cry again. However, I wanted everyone to know that, I am coping with the loss. It will take some time. My friend was such a major part of my life, I just feel a void right now that can’t be filled. I don’t think it can ever be filled, but I am trying to focus on the happy memories and what a wonderful and loving person he was. I met with a counselor today and will be having weekly counseling sessions for the foreseeable future. It’s something I’ve needed to do for a while to deal with some of my own issues but I’d never felt the need because my friend was the best counselor anyone could ever have. There was nothing we couldn’t tell each other. Talking about him and getting to know some of his other friends better has also helped. I still burst into tears, but I can at least speak without sobbing and my appetite has finally returned. So, I am coping the best I can. I’m still not up to blogging right now, but I felt I should just give a quick update on how I was doing.

My best friend died in a car accident Sunday night. I found out just a short while ago. He meant everything to me, and my sorrow is beyond explanation. I’m not sure when I will return to blogging, but right now, I can do little else but cry.
I feel like my world has fallen out from under me.

My weekly Moment of Zen will be posted whenever I wake up in the morning. I’m not up to scheduling the post the night before.

I went to bed early last night, right after I got home from attending a lecture given by former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. I was honored to have the chance to meet her earlier in the day.

  
I survived the flights up here. I hate to fly. My first flight was rough, but then I took more Xanax an made the second one ok. I’ll be shown around in the morning, then interview in the afternoon. Off to bed. Goodnight all.