“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them.”

—Matthew 7:15-20

For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables.

—2 Timothy 4:3-4

I don’t normally do a Sunday post like this, but I had a migraine yesterday and took my medicine. I was fine for a few hours and then I just could not stay awake long enough to write a Sunday post. However, I’d seen the above cartoon sometime last week, and I thought of these Bible verses that I thought would be a perfect accompaniment.

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

—2 Timothy 4:7

One of my favorite Bible verses is 2 Timothy 4:7, which says, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” When I pass on from this world, I would like the epitaph on my tombstone to simply be: 2 Timothy 4:7. I hope that’s a long time in coming, but I want to live this life in a way that when I “finish the race” people can say that I fought the good fight and kept the faith. Even if people don’t think it when I am gone, I hope I will leave this world believing that.

When I come up against people who disagree with my way of life, ethics, philosophy, and faith, I think of Matthew 7:13-14, “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.” I know that I have not always fit into the crowd, and quite honestly, it’s alright as long as I remain faithful to who I am and have remained on the narrow path. remained on the narrow path.

I spent many years of my life hiding who I was. I hid in the closet because that was the path of least resistance, and I was trying to be part of the crowd and fit in. However, over the years, I have learned that accepting and loving myself is far more important than being accepted and loved by everyone. The Dutch writer and theologian Henri J.M. Nouwen said, “You don’t think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking.”

In Star Trek, Spock was always fond of saying the Vulcan philosophy, “Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” However, minority rights would always be trampled upon if this were true. Under this philosophy, we would be forced to remain in the closet because the beliefs (which some people confuse with needs) of the many would outweigh the few. This week, I watched the Star Trek homage, The Orville, and Dolly Parton made a guest appearance. In the episode, one of the characters knows that if she does one thing to save the life of another, then a great many people will suffer. Dolly gives her some advice (and I am paraphrasing), “If you do the right thing now, the rest will sort itself out later.” 

Matthew 5:12 says, “Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” If we do the right thing now, no matter how unpopular or misunderstood it may be, we will receive our reward, and if we continually do the right thing, then we will have earned the epitaph, “2 Timothy 4:7.”

And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.

—John 1:5

American author, professor, and philosopher Sam Keen wrote, “Burnout is what happens when you try to avoid being human for too long.” Sometimes, we want to do it all. We’ve probably all heard, “If you want something done, do it yourself.” This quote is sometimes attributed to emperor Napoléon Bonaparte or dramatist Charles-Guillaume Étienne, a contemporary of Napoléon. I’ve said it myself more than once, especially after delegating a task to someone who did it subpar. But doing everything yourself is not practical. So the next best alternative is learning to trust others better and empower people. We will burn ourselves out if we try to do everything in pursuit of perfection.

We also have to allow others to shine; it is better to help them shine than to be the only beacon of light. There are times when it is necessary for us to take the credit for a job well done or even demand the recognition we deserve and let our own light shine, but there are also times when it can be much more rewarding to see others succeed because you helped them. The 13th-century Persian poet Rumi wrote, “A candle never loses any of its light while lighting up another candle.” I like this quote, but I think it can condition behavior that ironically negates its truth. It can cause us to overextend ourselves, helping others without tending to our own needs, subsequently causing our personal “light” to dim. So, don’t give another person your light; let your light ignite them.

God expects us to be the light that will guide others. He does not expect us to give away our light but to share it. In Matthew 5:15-16, Jesus says, “Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” Jesus tells the parable of the lamp on the stand to encourage his followers to stand out, to be an example, and not to hide away. The message in this parable would have been challenging for the first Christians, who were cruelly persecuted. They may have hidden their faith as they did not want to be tortured, imprisoned, or killed because of it. Jesus is saying that for the Christian message to spread and develop, followers must proclaim and show their faith.

As LGBTQ+ Christians, we may often find ourselves playing down our faith because many in the LGBTQ+ community disdain religion. I understand being hurt by religion and turning away from it. I don’t like most evangelical Christians, but that is because they are often hypocrites who want to impose their narrow beliefs on everyone. These same Christians pervert the words of the Bible to suit their selfish ways. They teach many LGBTQ+ Christians to hate themselves and the LGBTQ+ community. We cannot allow self-hatred because of sexuality. Self-hatred is one of our greatest enemies within the LGBTQ+ community. We have to love ourselves before we can show our love for others. We have to accept that we are God’s children, and He loves all of us just the way He created us. After all, He created us in His image.

I have always believed it was better to spread the goodness and love that God gives us instead of trying to impose my beliefs on others. If we live by example and bring to light the instances when religious individuals turn to hate instead of love, we can be that lamp on the lampstand that sheds light on the truth that God loves all of us. As LGBTQ+ Christians (or any LGBTQ+ individual with faith in a higher good), we must shine a light on the hypocrisy prevalent in so many religious individuals today. In Matthew 7:15-20, Jesus tells us:

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them.”

We have an obligation to point out the bad fruit, those who teach a false Biblical hate. Hypocrites must be exposed for their hypocrisy, and not let them destroy our faith with their false faith.

I cannot accomplish this alone, and neither can you. We need to spread the light that is our faith: our faith in God, our faith in goodness, and our faith in love. We need to help others shine so we can show the way to living the life God wants for us. We must live by example and shine our light around the room so that others can see. And finally, we need to call out the bad fruit for the harm they are doing. Too often, people become stubborn in their beliefs. They see what they are doing is wrong, but they are too hardheaded to change their ways. Others are too arrogant to realize that they are wrong. We need the be the light that can guide the way.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

— Jeremiah 29:11

I think a lot of people, especially those who are left-leaning, worry about what the future holds. They see a segment of the U.S. population who are fueled by greed, hate, and fear. They don’t want the less fortunate to be helped with food, shelter, or healthcare. Yet, they call themselves Christian though in Matthew 25:31-46, one of the most vivid parables Jesus ever spoke, tells us that God will judge us in accordance with our reaction to human needs. They hate simple things like equality, truth, love, and happiness. They fear all those who are not like themselves. It’s a scary time because the political and religious rights have become more emboldened by the Supreme Court, conservative news channels, and loudmouth politicians with no substance. 

But as J.R.R. Tolkien wrote, “In this hour, I do not believe that any darkness will endure.” There is hope for a better future. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Though things may look bleak, we can change that outcome, but we must be diligent. We can’t sit back and let our ideals and freedoms be trampled upon. The Brazilian novelist Paulo Coelho wrote, “None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still, we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.” Faith in democracy and faith in God will get us through these dark times.

In a world of over seven billion people, it’s easy to feel small—to feel as if our day-to-day lives aren’t worth much, especially when we’re drowning in a sea of the mundane. It may feel like no matter what we do, we cannot change things for the good. If you look at some of the close elections in 2020, there is one thing we learned, every vote counts and each vote can make a difference. We have to have faith that good will win over evil. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.”

God has a purpose and a plan for each and every one of us. We all have unique gifts and talents. Dante Alighieri wrote, “Do not be afraid; our fate Cannot be taken from us; it is a gift. ” We all have unique perspectives, certain friend groups, and various workplaces. God uses this rich diversity to carry out his will, and his plans are always bigger, bolder, and better than anything we could ever imagine.

Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.

—1 Thessalonians 5:11

American journalist, author, and photographer Jon Katz wrote, “I think if I’ve learned anything about friendship, it’s to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away, don’t be distracted, don’t be too busy or tired, don’t take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.”

Each one of us longs to be connected. We can achieve that through our friends. The theme of friendship weaves throughout the Bible, with Jesus promising to be our eternal friend because He is with us always. Jesus is there to be our friend and to listen to our needs. Some Christians may hesitate to call Jesus a friend, but Jesus has never been hesitant about considering us His friend. It matters to Him that we embrace this. He invites us to understand our relationship in terms of friendship. Jesus gives all who trust Him the privilege of being His friends. In John 15:14–15, Jesus says, “You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.”

Growing up, one of my favorite hymns was “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.” The first verse says:

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!

Similarly, I love the song “The Lily of the Valley.” Its first verse says:

I have found a friend in Jesus-
He’s ev’rything to me,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul;
The Lily of the Valley- in Him alone I see
All I need to cleanse and make me fully whole.
In sorrow He’s my comfort, in trouble He’s my stay,
He tells me ev’ry care on Him to roll;
He’s the Lily of the Valley, the Bright and Morning Star,
He’s the greatest of ten thousand to my soul.

How wonderful it is that we have a true friend in Jesus! I hope most of us are fortunate to also have true friends in our lives here on earth. I have had a few great friends in my life. Some I speak to almost every day. Others I speak to a few times a week. Then there are those I speak to less frequently, but I know that I can count on them when I need them the most. There are also those who are no longer with us, but I know that they are with my heavenly friend, Jesus.

Not only does the Bible describe how Jesus is our friend, but it also gives us the practical wisdom we need to cultivate friendships well. From the moment God created man, He knew man should not be alone. Throughout the creation of the universe, God said that everything was “good.” But then once he created Adam, he doesn’t say “it was good.” Instead, He says, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” God realized that Adam was not yet complete; he needed a community. Humanity’s first problem was social isolation. Even today, in a world filled with society, Proverbs 18:1 warns that “A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment.”

Proverbs gives us wisdom for navigating the complexities of our relationships. And it doesn’t just address relationships in general, but also friendships. For example, it teaches us what to look for in finding true friends. Proverbs 13:20 says, “He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed.” Likewise, Proverbs 22:24-25 warns us, “Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul.” God shows us why loyalty is so important for cultivating friendship. First Peter 4:8-10 says, “And above all things have fervent love for one another, for ‘love will cover a multitude of sins.’ Be hospitable to one another without grumbling. As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.”

Invariably, we meet people who we think are friends, but who are really there merely to use and manipulate us. They are not true friends, but sometimes, this is hard to spot before it’s too late. We have something that others want, so they offer their friendship until they get the whatever it is that they want, then, if we are lucky, they leave and we learn a lesson. Proverbs 19:6 tells us, “Many entreat the favor of the nobility, and every man is a friend to one who gives gifts.” False and transactional friendships can make finding true friends difficult, but if we follow God’s advice, we can find those true friendships. But the Bible shows us that real friendship is more of an agreement than an obligation. Proverbs 18:24 teaches us that “A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”  Proverbs 27:10 commands us, “Do not forsake your friend.” Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Our greatest joy is found in our fellowship with God and one another. The theologian Jonathan Edwards said that friendship is “the highest happiness of moral agents.” According to the Bible, our chief happiness is in fellowship with God and all who trust Him. God’s guidance gives us everything we need to recover a greater vision of true friendship. It shows us even our feeblest efforts at forging friendships echo a more glorious reality—every friendship is a small and imperfect echo of God, who made us in His image to enjoy friendship forever. Friendship didn’t come from us; it came from God. And he gives us everything we need—through His word and his Spirit—to cultivate it well.

Be ever thankful for your true friends. A true friend will be there when you need them, and likewise, you will be there when they need you. Nothing on this earth is more important than our friendships. If you are lucky enough to have a romantic partner, husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, in this life, I hope that they are your best friend. There is no greater love than that of friendship.

And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

—Ephesians 6:4

As much as my father and I have argued, I wish he had known this verse better. He used to provoke me to anger (wrath) constantly, and often, he still does. I know there are at least a few dads out there who read my blog, maybe even two gay dads out there raising a son(s) and/or daughter(s), and I want to wish you a very Happy Father’s Day and tell you a little about my father. Just like mothers, fathers can drive us crazy. Most of us may not have been as close to our fathers as maybe we should have been or should be, but all of us have a father somewhere. 

We are very different in so many ways. He is very outdoorsy: he hunts, fishes, and constantly works outdoors. I was always a bookworm, who liked books better than sports. I’ve learned to like the outdoors: I walk nature trails, I like to hike, and I even like to fish occasionally. Whereas my father worked outside all his life, I prefer to work inside, research, writing, teaching, etc. There are a lot of other differences as well. We can generally have a conversation for about 15-20 minutes before we get into some type of argument. My father has never felt I was right about anything. I can be agreeing with him, and he will argue with me for agreeing with him. No matter what I say, he will say the opposite. One example is that I once made a remark about a house being painted white (it used to be gray), he argued with me that the house was painted gray, just a lighter shade. Everyone else I know says the house is white, but he still says that it is gray. Once, he even told me I was a very unpleasant person to be around. It’s odd because as far as I know, he’s the only person I know who feels that way. It’s that sort of thing that drives me crazy. Needless to say, we barely get along. I love him nonetheless, I just don’t like him sometimes. He can be very cruel and frustrating.

To switch gears a little bit, I want to tell you also how great my father can be, without me even knowing it. This is part of the reason that I forgive so much of the misery he causes me. When my parents found out I was gay, it was a very traumatic experTo switch gears a little bit, I want to tell you also how great my father can be, without me even knowing it. This is part of the reason that I forgive so much of the misery he causes me. When my parents found out I was gay, it was a very traumatic experience for all concerned. My mother had suspected for quite a while and was being very nosy. She checked my email. She didn’t like some of the emails that she saw. Most of them, if not all, were fairly innocent, but there were some like an ad from Showtime about “Queer as Folk” and maybe another one from gay.com (back when that was a thing). I was over at my grandmother’s checking on her, when my mother called me and confronted me about it. I was tired of denying it. All of my friends knew, so why shouldn’t she. I knew she wouldn’t like it. She had confronted me several years before about it, and I denied it then. I wasn’t ready, and to make sure that I never was, my mother told me, “If you would rather have a dick up my ass, then be part of this family, then leave. We will have nothing more to do with you.” When this time came around, we got into a huge argument. I yelled, she yelled, and I left. I was still dependent on them for some things, but I could live without them. My mother went to bed and cried for the next two weeks. By the way, this all happened two days before Christmas, while I was home on Christmas break. My mother did get up and do the family things the holiday required, and I did go back after a lot of begging from my sister, who knew nothing about what was going on. But, my mother was very cold toward me the whole time. When my father got home, he asked my mother what was wrong with her. She told him. She tells him everything. This was one of the times when he sided with me.

He told my mother, that I was their child. She could not stop loving me, just because she did not agree with my lifestyle. He would continue to love me, and she would have to do the same. No matter what his children did, they would still love them (it may have helped that my sister married a complete and total jackass, who doesn’t physically abuse her but abuses her mentally). Then he came and talked with me. He told me that he didn’t care what I told my mother, but to tell her something or she would die in that bed there (you don’t know my mother, but she would have). Then he told me what surprised me the most, “I should have taught you how to fight the urges. I am sorry that I failed you.” It is the only time my father ever apologized to me for anything. I never asked about the urges, but I am pretty sure I know what he was talking about. He knew exactly how I felt. He had been there himself, but he had chosen a different path. Maybe that is why they still believe it is a choice. But I see the misery in him almost every day. I went to my parents and told them both that I was celibate and would remain that way, and I had never acted on my sexuality (yes it was a lie, but it was one I think was for the better, even though I hate lying more than anything). They made me promise that I would not tell anyone else in the family, and I have agreed to that, though I recently told my niece when she came out as transgender. Our family has become a “Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t discuss” zone. It is not my preference but it is what I must deal with for the time being. If I ever find a man to live my life with, I will deal with the other consequences then. I don’t think I could hide from my family the love of my life (if he ever comes along). My mother continues to be the queen of denial and believes I will find the right girl and get married someday, but she seems to be beginning to crack. I think being away from them during the whole of the pandemic has made her see what it would be like if she loses me because of her own backward hatred.

They still consider my being gay a lifestyle choice, but I never will. I would have never chosen this myself. I am glad I live in an area where I can be out and be myself. Twelve hundred miles makes a difference. 

Some of you may have read this post before. I not only used it for my Father’s Day post for the last three years, with a few modifications, but I plan to use it each Father’s Day (though I haven’t always remembered to do so) for as long as this blog is published.

So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

—Genesis 1:27

I think all of us have heard more than once that we chose to be gay, but I, and I think most of not all gay people, know that this was not a choice for us. The only choice is to accept who we are or hide who we are. I guess there is also a third option: accept who we are but also hide who we are. The truth is “God created man (and woman) in His own image.” God is all things to all people. He’s every race, every gender, and every sexuality. He has to be, since we were created “in His own image.” Genesis 1:31 says “Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.” God was happy with His creation, and He took pride in his work. In the same way, we should recognize that the way God made us “was very good,” and we should be proud of how God created us. It is His gift to us.

My friend Rob sent me some quotations for Pride Month. My favorite is from Apple CEO Tim Cook:

Cook is right. We should be proud of being gay. We should be proud of all the gifts God has given us, including that we are gay. Once we accept that God is proud of his creation, that God created us in His image, and that God created us to be gay, then we can celebrate God’s gift to us. We all have talents and gifts bestowed upon us by God.

I believe that God created gay people to make the world a better place. If you look throughout history, you’ll see that some of the most talented people who ever live were gay. How dull and drab would this world be if there were no gay people in it? This month, and every month, we need to celebrate all of the wonderful things that LGBTQ+ people have created, and it’s all because God created us “in His own image.”

Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

— Isaiah 40:28-31

Here’s a question to ponder for today: What would it look like if we held ourselves to a higher standard while also having respect, compassion, and understanding for where we are right now? In her book See Before You Die: Costa Rica, author J.E. Leigh writes:

“We—all of us—want to feel special. We want to feel the glory that shines on us when we reach beyond our boundaries to grab at something greater, to live a heroic life, if only for a day or a week or a moment. This simple yearning is in us all, hardly recognizable, often only the merest hint that there is something more to us. This is why we seek out new places…we want to remember a somewhere that gave us the space to expand ourselves, to become a little more of who we truly are.”

Before we can achieve our true potential, we must recognize where we are now. We have to accept ourselves as we are before we can move forward. We might not like who we are or what we are going through, but we must accept ourselves before we can make the changes to improve ourselves and achieve the standard that we hold ourselves to. If we have fallen short of that standard, then we must realize why and what we can do about it. God can help us with that. God will provide the strength to persevere. 

As we wait on God to give us strength, we should remember the words of the prophet Isaiah in Isaiah 40:31, “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” God strengthens us during times of waiting. Sometimes that strength comes from the trials we face in life. Did you know that an eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks? The eagle will fly to a high spot and wait for the winds to come. When the storm hits, it sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm. While the storm rages below, the eagle soars above it. The eagle does not escape the storm; it simply uses the storm to lift it higher. It rises on the winds that bring the storm.

When the storms of life hit us, we can rise above them by setting our minds and our belief toward God. The storms do not have to overcome us; God will strengthen us during our time of waiting. His power will lift us up above the dark clouds so we can ride the winds of the storm that bring sickness, tragedy, failure, and disappointment into our lives. It is not the burdens of life that weigh us down, it is how we handle them. Things don’t always go the way we expect them to, but God is there to help us through those times. 

The American author Joseph Campbell wrote, “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Campbell is known for the 1988 PBS documentary Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth, which was originally broadcast as six one-hour conversations between Campbell and journalist Bill Moyers. Campbell’s The Power of Myth is a book based on the documentary. In that book, Campbell quotes from the 1922 Sinclair Lewis novel Babbitt:

Campbell: Have you ever read Sinclair Lewis’ Babbitt?
Moyers: Not in a long time.
Campbell: Remember the last line? “I’ve never done a thing I wanted to do in all my life.” That’s the man who never followed his bliss.

We need to learn to follow our bliss. Hopefully, that bliss includes trusting in God, because trusting in God can put our minds at ease. We can’t let fear of the unknown paralyze us. In her famous diary, the Holocaust victim Anne Frank wrote, “The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature, and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.” (A friend of mine recently sent me that quote, and I think it is a wonderful piece of inspiration.)

We must rid ourselves of fear and loneliness because God is always with us. If we are unhappy, we need to do something about that unhappiness. Twice in the last few weeks, someone has commented on this blog that all I do is complain. This blog is very therapeutic for me because it helps me get things off my mind that are bothering me. Maybe that is complaining, but I also hope that if someone else is going through the same issues, then they know that they are not alone. I encourage anyone who is facing tough times and need someone to tell about it, to tell a friend or loved one. If you do not have someone to tell, email me (jec1918@gmail.com). If I can help, I will. A sympathetic ear is sometimes all we need. When my mind is racing over a problem, it often helps to write about it or (something I am terrible at) talk about it. Once I get it on “paper” or tell someone, it doesn’t seem as daunting. I think that is why many people write diaries. Instead of keeping a diary, I write a blog. I am grateful for all those who follow me on this journey called life. I am also grateful to God for giving me the perseverance to continue going day after day, especially during those times when the weight on my shoulders seems too heavy, and I just want to withdraw from everything. Therefore, I am working on respecting, having compassion, and understanding for where I am in this life so that I can move forward to achieve standards that I have set for myself.