Category Archives: Coming Out

September 1, 2010

Nella Larsen’s Passsing

By Joe

image Nella Larsen was born in Chicago in 1893 to a Danish mother and a Danish West Indian father, both of whose names have been obscured by history. Nella’s father died when she was two, and her mother remarried a man of Danish origin while Nella was still quite young. All biographical references indicate that Nella’s step-father was a source of racial tension in Nella’s childhood home, which resulted in her alienation from him as well as her mother.
At 16 Nella went to Denmark for three years to visit her mother’s relatives. When she returned to the United States she went to Fisk University, but her stay only lasted one year. Evidently she was dissatisfied with both Fisk and the United States, because when she left Fisk, she left the country as well, going to Copenhagen, where she audited classes at the University of Copenhagen for two years. She returned to the United States late in 1914, but this time she went to New York City, where she earned a nursing degree in 1915 from Lincoln Hospital Training School for Nurses. Immediately after receiving her nursing degree, she went to Tuskegee Institute, where she was employed as superintendent of nurses. She must have been dissatisfied with Tuskegee, because within one year she left the institute and returned to Lincoln Hospital.
She abandoned nursing in 1918 and began studying to become a librarian. In 1921 she became the children’s librarian at the 135th Street branch (Harlem) of the New York Public Library, where she remained until 1929. During this interval she married Elmer S. Imes, a physicist. The couple lived in Harlem, and in all likelihood they were part of upper class African American society. Meanwhile Larsen wrote two novels.
image Larsen’s novels, Quicksand (1928) and Passing (1929), depict the mulatto theme which had become popular in American literature. In such works the male or female protagonist, who is light enough to pass for white, finds that all personal ambitions (education, employment, social mobility in general) are severely limited when one is held to the racial restrictions which typified the early 20th century in the North as well as in the South. To remedy the problem, the protagonist chooses to pass for white and move into the white world, only to find even greater dissatisfaction. Torn between two worlds, one white and the other black, and alienated from them both, the protagonist becomes a tragic figure.
Passing recounts the reacquaintance of two childhood friends, Clare Kendry and Irene Redfield. Clare disappears from her childhood home when she marries a well-to-do white man and passes into the white world, while Irene lives a life of comfort in Harlem, married to an African American doctor, Brian Redfield. The two women begin to socialize together when they happen to run into one another while shopping. As the story unfolds, Irene becomes convinced that Clare and her husband, Brian, are having an affair. The climatic scene depicts Clare accompanying Irene and her husband Brian to a Christmas party. Irene’s jealousy of Brian and Clare “[presses] against her”; she begins to perceive Clare as a threat to the security of her middle-class marriage. During the party, Clare “falls” to her death from a sixth-floor window. Critics have questioned whether Clare indeed fell or was pushed by Irene. Both women have participated in a kind of passing: Clare into the white world, Irene by adopting the values of white middle-class America.
image Larsen’s novel Passing can be seen as a parallel to the life of gay men and women, especially those who are in the closet.  The novel positions two light-skinned women as antagonists and psychological doubles in a drama of racial passing, class and social mobility, and female desire.  Their racial passing can in a way be seen as gay people in the closet.  We are trying to pass as someone we are not. Irene Redfield demands safety and security in contained, self-sacrificing race and gender roles; Clare Kendry functions in a self-seeking, risk-filled existence on the edge of danger and duplicity. Although Clare’s racial passing is one of the novel’s concerns, Irene’s obsessive desires, represented through her perspective as the central consciousness, expose a range of intense emotions all cloaked by her persistent concerns for social respectability and material comfort.  Recent attention to Passing has emphasized Larsen’s use of passing as a device for encoding the complexities of human personality, for veiling women’s homoerotic desires, and for subverting simplistic notions of female self-actualization. 

Larsen’s search “for a sense of belonging” is similar to the journey that all members of the GLBT community face.  We search to belong.  At first, we often work to hide our true selves.  While in the closet, depending on our situation, we will do almost anything to keep our secret.  If we are not our true selves, then we are doing as Clare and Irene and just passing.  When we hide our true selves, from ourselves and others, we are trying to pass in what the world considers heteronormal.  When we try to pass ourselves as “straight acting,” we are trying to find a homonormal medium.  Normal does not exist in this world, especially if we strive to be ourselves, because we are all unique and special in our own way.

Leave a comment | posted in Book Review, Coming Out, Resources, Theory

August 29, 2010

It’s Not All Bad…

By Joe

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If you have not read my post titled “Being Put Back in the Closet” read it first, or this post will not make any sense to you.  This is an update of this post.  I had feared the worse about this situations, but it has not turned out too badly.  The rest of this post is from an email I sent to a reader and friend with a further explanation of my situation at this school.  We have been in school for three weeks and things are looking better, so I wrote most of the following as a response to a very supportive email that he had sent me.  I hope he doesn’t mind me using what I had wrote to him here. However, just a day after I wrote this post, the principle of the school stopped me in the halls.

Several of the parents have had discussions with the principle about me.  Apparently, they are all ecstatic because they have finally hired a great teacher (their words, not mine).  I have gotten kids who never had an interest in school before to being very excited about going to class.  In the classroom, I am myself.  I will not change that, though I can’t let slip curse words, like I do in my college classes.  I have also had a some of the parents come up to me and tell me how much their kids are enjoying my class.  Maybe they will learn one day that it is not the person’s “feminine behavior” that matters but their credentials.  The kids may be saying things behind my back, but I haven’t heard the slightest rumor of it (this is a small school, rumors get around quick).  It appears that they are so fascinated by my classes that it doesn’t matter to them.  Besides, my everyday voice may be “feminine” as they say, but my teaching voice is loud and booming.

I look forward to the day when all of America can be as progressive and accepting as our cities. It will happen one day, I feel sure, but just as racism still continues, so will homophobia. I attempt to teach my students each day to be more tolerant. I do what I can.  I want to broaden their minds.  Isn’t that what education is about?  If the kids learn it, maybe it will rub off on their parents.  If not, maybe it is a lesson they take with them throughout their life.  I may not make a huge difference, but every narrow minded view that I expand, is a step in the right direction.  At least that is how I allow myself to get through this.

I want to thank all you for your your words of support and comments about this post.  It really helps to reach out to others like I am able to with my blog.  I don’t always think that people who have lived most if not all of their lives in larger cities can truly understand what those of us in rural areas go through.  I have always preferred living in a city, not in a town of 1100 people, but hopefully, this is temporary.

gay-pride

4 Comments | posted in Coming Out

August 25, 2010

Being Put Back in the Closet

By Joe

The Closet Guy

With all of my recent posts about coming out of the closet, you might wonder, why this blog is called The Closet Professor. It is simply because for years, I was out and proud. Circumstances, however, have changed, and this post is meant to explain that. I make every effort to be as honest as possible with you guys, and I am not in the business of misleading you. I felt that this post is particularly significant (maybe only for me, but there are others out there who can relate to my situation.

This is a post that I have been trying to compose for a few weeks now. It is certainly not an easy topic for me, but in the interest of being honest (as I 4595475100_48ece8d5e8_b strive to be as far as I can and keep my anonymity with you guys), I felt the need to tell this story and explain where I am currently in my life. After 8 years of being out and proud, with the attitude of “fuck ‘em” if they can’t accept that I am gay, I returned home to live with my parents for a year. My graduate funding had run out, the academic job market was in shambles, and I had a choice to make. I could either continue to work in the part time job I had, and get another job, leaving me little time to finish my dissertation, or I could move home with my parents, save some money, try to finish my dissertation, and hope to find a job the next year. If I was going to finish graduate school, my choice was clear. I had to move home.

Moving home was a very difficult decision because my parents had never come to accept my homosexuality. This was not likely to change, it was an unspoken agreement that I would end my gay “lifestyle,” and basically any social life that I had as long as I was living with them. Everything I did image would be watched and questioned by them. I would be living in a very rural area (the nearest town was an hour away). As tough of a decision as this was, I decided I could take anything for a year. It would only be a year. So, I began my year of solitude with my parents, with only short excursions to visit a friend of mine a few states away, where I could be as gay as I wanted to be, while they were hoping that I was moving away from a gay “lifestyle” and closer to a heterosexual relationship with the female friend that I was going to visit. In other words, my friend was my beard.

As I said, I thought I could take anything for a year. However, things did not go as planned, as they so rarely do. My dissertation did not progress as it image should have. There were problems with my dissertation committee. I had to restart with a new adviser. The job market did not improve, even with the President, economists, and all the other talking heads out there, proclaimed that the Great Recession was ending and the economy was improving. Higher education is the first hit by economic downfall, and the very last to recover. Politicians think that tuition can take up all of the slack of decreased budgets, but if no one can afford tuition as it is, how are they going to pay higher tuition? So I had to once again look for alternatives. I found a part-time teaching job at a local college. It got me out of the house, back to the classroom that I loved, and I had wonderful students. The adjunct class and a prescription for Prozac, markedly improved my mood. I decided to make the best of a bad situation.

I could not teach in public schools because none of my degrees were in education, so without returning to school for another masters degree or at least taking further education classes, image I could not get certified to teach in public schools. So my options began to be thus: find a job in a small private school, move to live with my friend a few states away and get any job I could find, find a position within my field but not in teaching, or remain with my parents if none of these options worked out. Moving with my friend was not a very good option. I love her, but living with her would have driven me crazy. She was fun to visit, but not to live with. I really did not want to remain under the watchful eye and scrutiny of my parents. So those two options were mostly out the window. Finding a job marginally related to my field was also not a viable option because there were not jobs to be had because of the economy. So I began, reluctantly, to look into teaching at a private school.

Most of these school are small conservative schools, with a Christian oriented curriculum, and a morality clause in their contracts. If I was hired by one of these school, discretion would be absolutely necessary. image By the way, these school rarely paid very much, about half of what I would have made at a full time position at a college. So I apply, and with my credentials, I get hired. At least, I am in a classroom again. I love teaching,and it is my passion. I just prefer to teach adults not teenagers. AD/HD and ADD is an epidemic in America. Those who teach and can deal with the stress that kids deal out to us everyday, are saints (I’m not referring to myself here, because they really try my patience most days). I tried to look on the bright side of things (as I always try to do. I strive to be an optimist.)

Then, just as I think things are going well, I have moved into my new house. I have a job, one doing what I love to do. Then I am informed, on the Friday before school starts, that my feminine behavior has been a subject of discussion. We were on another subject, dealing somewhat with the idea of me being liberal minded, when he says, “But this brings up another topic. We have at least two boys here with feminine tendencies. And since you do as image well, several of the boys are going to try you. One came up to me last night and made a comment about it. I told him that he can’t be gay and be a Christian and teach here.” I began to fume. I didn’t show it. I just responded that I can handle these kids. They will learn that they can’t push me around or show me any disrespect. I won’t allow that kind of mess and I don’t have the time or the patience to deal with this type of foolishness.

What I really wanted to say was this: “First of all, I can handle my own. I am more of a man than most of the men and boys at this school will ever be. I can also shoot a rifle better and more accurately than any one of them, they can just try me. It is none of your goddamn business what I do in my personal life, as long as I appear to be an upstanding citizen and I don’t flaunt my “feminine tendencies.” Moreover, I am in no way feminine. My voice may not be the deepest, but once any of these students make me mad, I will turn into their worst nightmare, not a drama queen.”

lonely_closet_m65_b1_f6 So, as it stands, I am back in the closet. I have to finish graduate school, make myself more viable to faculty positions in higher education, and move the hell away from this hell hole. The three P’s will get me through this time in my life: Pray, Positive thinking, and Prozac (not to mention “M” for masturbation, “D” for discretion, “F” for fantasies, and “B” for all my blog buddies out there who help me stay connected to my true self—you guys make the closet not such a lonely place. THANK YOU!!! I LOVE ALL OF YOU GUYS!).

Thank you all for reading. Your comments, suggestions, and snide remarks are always welcomed. For now this will end my “Coming Out” post (I may have one more in me though), since technically I am no longer out in my public life at home. I will gladly answer most any questions you may have, and will do my best to fulfill any requests for future posts on this blog. If there is any advice I can give or information I can provide, I am more than willing to do my best.

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For a follow-up to this post, please see: It’s Not All Bad…

15 Comments | posted in Coming Out, Nudity

August 23, 2010

Just Because You Come Out…

By Joe

stevon_somanyboys.net_ Just because you come out, doesn’t mean that everything will be perfect.  Maybe you came out because you finally found the right man.  Maybe you came out because you were pushed out of the closet.  Maybe you came out because you were finally ready to be yourself.  Whatever the reason, when you come out the journey is just beginning.  One of my readers asked me to discuss my relationships since I came out.  If you want to read the explicit sexy stuff, click on hook-ups and it will take you to all (well most, there are a few stories left to tell) of the salacious details of my sex life.  The truth (and I am ashamed to admit this) is that I have never been in a gay relationship.  The most I have ever dated a guy was two dates (he was into younger guys and I was almost his age, so it just didn’t work out).  I also don’t think a fuck buddy counts as a relationship.

Though I have not really ever been in a gay relationship, I do understand the other side of the fence where women are concerned.  I did have relationships with women, some of them even involved sex, but most were not really enjoyable experiences.  I always had a different girlfriend in high school and a rather long relationship in college, but none of them ever went anywhere beyond making out and sometimes sex.  I just never felt the same attraction for women as I did men, and finally after the last relationship with a women (the one in college), I chose not to pursue women anymore until I fully understood my own emotional state.  It took several years for me to come to terms with being gay, but finally through much prayer and meditation, I came to terms with it myself. 

I have always had a knack for understanding women, I just never found sex with them or being attracted to them as exciting the sex and attraction I have with men.  Yet, I find it very hard to understand men.  Sometimes, I just don’t get them.  For straight men, I am often not “straight-acting enough.”  They sometimes find me feminine.  I do not have a low voice.  I can fake a low voice but it strains my throat so much until I just refuse to do it.  I am also not the most macho guy.  I love reading, musicals, a great love story, old movies, science fiction, etc, but most action movies do nothing for me unless the actor in it is really hot (take the movies Clash of the Titans, for example, or James Bond).  I love to watch sports, especially college sports, and I am gearing up for college football to start soon, but I am not one for all the statistics and stuff.  I can get into the teams I root for, and the rest, I could really care less about. Most straight guys think I dress too nicely.  I wear dress pants and a dress shirt to work everyday.  I refuse to wear short sleeve dress shirts, and I always try to have on a nice pair of shoes.  For straight men, I am overdressed and therefore must be gay because they see me as a snazzy dresser.

And as far as gay men go, I am generally not “gay enough.”  I don’t soak up the latest celebrity gossip. You know, who’s in rehab now, who had the latest facelift, what is the latest and greatest pop diva song, etc.  I do love to watch Project Runway, the Food Network, etc, and give me a good gay movie any day.  I do like club music occasionally, but I am much more of an alternative rock kind of guy.  Give me Cake, REM, Pearl Jam, Linkin Park, Coldplay, Puddle of Mudd, or Smashing Pumpkins any day as opposed to Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Madonna, or Christina Aguilera (though I did like Genie in a Bottle, because I do like to be rubbed the right way, LOL).  I’m not saying that I hate pop music, sometimes I do love to sing along to some of it, especially Maroon 5.   In addition to not liking the “right” kind of music, I also don’t spend enough on clothes to be completely fashionable.  I don’t soak up every issue of US Weekly or People Magazine.  I don’t keep up with the latest fad in fashion, mainly because I think so much of it either looks trashy or is ugly and is a fad that I hope goes away very soon.  Give me a nice dress shirt and a pair of slacks that accentuates my ass, or give me a pair of jeans and a polo shirt.  And if I am being lazy that day, I will wear a pair of cargo shorts, a t-shirt, a baseball hat, and a pair of flip-flops because I just didn’t feel like washing my damn hair or shaving that day.  So sue me.

What the hell.  I think I am just normal.  I am me.    I don’t have a deep masculine voice, I do have a few extra pounds (only a few), I’m intelligent, and I have chest hairs.  Why can’t I find someone to accept that?  The point of this post is that I have been out for nearly 10 years.  I don’t live in an area where there are a lot of gay people, but I had to go where my career took me (more on that in the next post).  Surely, there is someone out there who wants a normal guy (with a nice thick cock, btw), who happens to be attracted to men, loves having sex with men, can suck a mean cock, and is 100 percent, no doubt about it, GAY!!!!

Surely, someone out there has an answer to this.

10 Comments | posted in Coming Out, Nudity, Video

August 22, 2010

What Should You Expect After Coming Out?

By Joe

Question: What Should You Expect After Coming Out?

“I have recently begun my coming out process and have found it to be a real reality check,” Gay Life reader Chris shares. “On day one I felt everything change, including my eyes. What do I have to look forward to in my coming out process? What thoughts do you have for a newly gay guy like myself?”

Answer: Coming out is an ongoing process.
Disclosing your sexual identity to those close (or not so close) to you is rarely a one time event. It’s a process that continues throughout your life. You’ll find yourself coming out to many people over time. Some of those individuals you will confide in and others will find out by circumstance.
Coming out should happen at a pace that makes you the most comfortable and you should always consider your safety and the stability of your environment before coming out. I’ve found it best to prepare to come out, but be weary of trying to control the circumstances in which it happens. Life may presents unexpected opportunities for you to come out. Prepare by first coming in, knowing your surroundings, creating the safest, most comfortable, environment as possible, and by keeping a coming out journal.

The more you come out, the more you will get to know yourself.
Coming out is about personal expression, not what others’ may feel or think about you. Take each time you come out as an opportunity to increase your level of self-awareness. I’ve found that the more self-aware I am, the easier it is to navigate through the complexities of being gay at work, out in my community and in my family. Coming out is a gesture pointing outside of yourself, but the rewards of the process are all internal. As you stated in your question, you’ll begin to see the world through a new set of eyes. And those lenses can help guide you to other areas of self-expression you never thought you had.

Some reactions to your sexual identity will be joyful, a few indifferent and others emotionally taxing.
“I bet you think this song is about you,” Carly Simon sang. Well, it is all about you when you begin the coming out process. You can’t control other peoples’ actions or reactions, but you can create the best possible situation for yourself. I try to focus on the most positive people in my life. It’s too easy to fall down the rabbit hole of negativity. It’s not so easy to pull yourself back up. Don’t waste years trying to convince those that have issues with your sexuality to turn away from the dark side. Instead, concentrate on the people in your life that accept you for who you are. If you don’t currently have open-minded individuals in your life, seek them out by engaging in the activities you love. Joining clubs and engaging in other areas that interest you are great ways to meet new, like-minded people.

You’ll feel the pressure of dating. Use the force and you’ll be able to resist.
First you come out. Then, with lightening speed you embark on your quest to find a man. It’s understandable: You’ve been waiting in anguish for quite some time to hold hands with another man. However, don’t let your eagerness to couple up with another guy overshadow the process of getting to know someone (or yourself). Not everyone is inclined to be in a relationship or relationship ready. Neither are all guys one-time-only material. Adjust your dating life according to your priorities. Do you want a relationship, a buddy, or a casual encounter? Remember: What you give off is what you will receive. Also, keep in mind that some people will put in the work to make a connection while others won’t. That’s not your problem. Just be yourself and stay true to your dating goals.

You’ll feel joy. You’ll feel pain… and everything else in between.
You’ve already checked grief off of your list. Get ready for more emotion. There could possibly be guilt, anger, frustration, happiness, anxiety, peacefulness… No matter what you are feeling, keep in mind that it’s all a part of the process. Manage your emotions by managing how you view your “new gay life.” Coming out doesn’t exempt one from experiencing the ups and downs of the every day. Plow through by surrounding yourself with an affirmative support system.

You don’t have to accept the labels.
Top, bottom, femme queen, bear, trade, twink… I find labels to be quite restricting. They leave no room for growth, flexibility or undiscovered fun. Look, you are who you are and you like what you like. Those “likes” can change over time, as you continue to grow. People are most comfortable when they can categorize others. As queer people how can we expect others to keep an open mind about us while we in turn close our minds about ourselves? Keep it open. Keep it happy. Now that you have taken this step, there is so much to look forward to.

2 Comments | posted in Coming Out, Resources

August 21, 2010

Tips for Gay College Students

By Joe

I decided to go back and add this picture to the post because it was just too damn perfect in my opinion. It is a little more hardcore than I generally post on this blog, so I hope you guys don’t mind.

Are you gay and out in college? Or, are you planning on coming out in college? College is much less insular than high school campuses can be. It’s a great time to explore your interests and your sexuality.
I didn’t come out until I went to college. Here are the things I would’ve done differently and suggestions on how you can better your college experience as a gay man:
Dorms and Residence Halls
Living in a residence hall as a freshman was the first time I ever lived on my own. It was overwhelming at first, but I was excited to get away from home. I knew I was attracted to guys; but I was way too scared to explore my feelings so I stayed in the closet for a while. I was also somewhat distant from my co-ed hall mates. I feared my secret might ruin my new friendships.

  • What I would have done differently: Looking back on the situation, most of the guys and girls around me were also excited about being away from home and exploring their own interests. Months later, when I did come out, I found that most of them didn’t care at all. I wasted great bonding time and denied myself some wonderful experiences by not being myself. Of course, you should only come out when you are ready (and I wasn’t at the time), but try not to make assumptions about your new suite or hall mates. They are looking to find themselves in their own ways. You are entitled to the same.

Finding Gay Friends
After months of thinking I was the only one, I ran across a guy in one of my classes that I had a feeling was gay. Tired of having no one to talk with about my sexuality, I did everything I could to befriend him. I joined his math group. I asked if he wanted to study together. I made random comments about lecture. We eventually became good friends and came out to each other.

  • What I would have done differently: I invested a lot of time trying to figure out if one guy was gay, as if he was my only option. And while it paid off and I had a new gay friend, looking back I would’ve explored more. There were many gay and gay-friendly groups on campus that I could have joined to meet other gay people. I could have also reached out and befriended more of my dorm friends. I later found out that they knew other gay people and could’ve made a connection. When looking for gay friends on campus, don’t put all of your hopes on one person. Explore and be proactive about your search.

Dating
I longed for a boyfriend, especially after I started meeting gay friends. I would chat with guys online, but either couldn’t get up the nerve to meet them or I just didn’t think they were a good fit. I didn’t give up my search, though. I knew eventually I would make a connection with a guy I liked. But when I did meet my first boyfriend, it was in the most unlikely of places–a club I joined. It wasn’t a gay club, but there were gay guys in it. Me and a few of the guys eventually became friends since we spent so much time together at club meetings. One of the guys and I became especially close. He was my first boyfriend and my first love.

  • What I would have done differently: Prior to meeting my first boyfriend, I became more and more eager to find a man. It would have been best if I let the situation happen instead of letting my desperation drive my actions. Usually, the best dating situations happen in the most unlikely of circumstances. When I stopped seeking, I found a great guy. Just like making gay friends, it’s best to get out there and explore social or academic options on campus. You and another great single guy will eventually find each other. Another lesson I learned was taking a more active role in my safety, which brings me to the next topic.

Online Hook Ups and Campus Safety
Meeting someone online is a cool way to get to know them–initially. I would chat with guys online during study breaks and off time. I developed an entire network of online buddies. But, after some time I wanted to meet them face-to-face. No online dating questionnaire or number of chat hours can replace an in-person chemistry check.

  • What I would have done differently: There were many times when I would meet up with online guys only to discover that we didn’t quite connect in person. Also, I didn’t take my safety into account enough times. Unfortunately, not everyone online is on the up and up. You should always follow these safety tips before meeting an online buddy in person. Also, if you have a suite mate or close buddy, give them your schedule and keep them up on where you are traveling around campus (especially at night). It’s always better to side with safety.

Sex
Some people choose to explore same gender sexual experiences while in college. A first same-sex experience can either be a wowing confirmation of your emotional attractions or not at all what you expect (or a little bit of both).

  • Suggestions: Take your time when exploring your the physical aspects of your sexuality. There is no rush, nor does a prize go to the quickest explorer. It’s best to be selective about who you experience with. Know the person, get proof of their HIV status, practice safer sex, and always keep your safety in mind.

How To Find a Gay and Lesbian Friendly College

Looking for a gay-friendly college environment? The climate on a college campus is an important factor when making a choice about a higher learning institution. Whether you are already out or plan on coming out in college, a gay-affirmative campus can foster memorable experiences. Here’s how you can find a gay and lesbian friendly college:
Do your research.
Have you decided what you want to study or have a general area of interest? First, research schools based on their academic programs and your interest in their areas of study. Start with directories like Princeton Review’s The Best 368 Best Colleges and U.S. News and World Report Best Colleges 2009. They publish annual rankings of colleges and universities based on region, academic programs and other criteria.
Check their discrimination policies.
Once you’ve narrowed your search, check each university’s discrimination policies. Each school should publish their policies online or have them available in their administrative offices. Be weary if the school does not have a published discrimination policy or ones that don’t mention sexual orientation or gender expression.
Check for gender neutral housing.
A growing number of colleges and universities are offer gender neutral housing to meet the needs of their diverse student population. A campus with gender neutral housing has demonstrated that they are not only abreast of, but are concerned about their gay lesbian, bisexual and transgender students.
Search for LGBT clubs and organizations.
Search on the university web site for LGBT-based organizations. The more clubs and groups that they have, the better potential for a more gay-affirmative experience on campus. Not only do some of these groups lobby the university concerning gay issues, but many are social and support clubs that can assist you on campus. The Consortium of Higher Education LGBT Resource Professionals publishes a directory of college and university offices that are run by at least one paid professional staff or graduate assistant directing LGBT resources.
Scan the course bulletin.
Have you spotted any lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer study themed courses in the college bulletin? Not only are these courses a good indicator of a campus’ openness and diversification, but they may fit perfectly in your academic areas of interest.
Visit the campus and surrounding cities
The best indication of a college’s environment is a campus visit. Schedule an appointment with the admissions office or attend an open house. Don’t be shy about asking if the university has any of the above things mentioned. Also, cruise through surrounding cities, looking for gay activity in the area. Your college experience may expand outside of campus. Is there a gay center nearby? What about gay bars, clubs or cafes? The gay vibrancy of the surrounding area can often spill over into a more gay-friendly campus and vice versa.
Finding a gay and lesbian-friendly campus takes research, but the pay off comes in a more affirmative experience for you as a gay student on campus.

Scholarships and Support for LGBT Students:

The Point Foundation provides financial scholarships, mentoring and support for LGBT students. For Fall 2007, The Point Foundation has 38 new scholars, which brings the young organizations total to 86. The Point Foundation invests an average of $32,000 – $35,000 per scholar per year and currently boasts 26 alumnae.

Who Qualifies for a Point Scholarship?:

The Point Foundation suggests you, “Review the current Point Scholars’ biographies to get a good idea of what we are looking for in our scholars. You do not need straight A’s to apply but we are looking for individuals who have proven leadership skills, excellent scholastic achievements and want to make a difference in the world. All applicants are evaluated on the totality of their situation including, academic accomplishments, financial, emotional and social need, extracurricular activities, personal circumstances and goals for the future.”

How Do I Apply?:

The Point Foundation web site provides all of the information you’ll need to apply to be a Point Scholar.

I’m Not a Student, But I Want To Help:

A college education can cost a single student anywhere from $8,000 and $40,000 per year. The Point Foundation believes in caring for the needs of their scholars, which may be the full cost of their education of just living expenses. You can help Point help our future leaders by giving to the organization.

More on The Point Foundation:

Read this exclusive interview with Point Foundation Executive Director, Jorge Valencia.

Suggested Reading

Just so that there is not confusion here, this is an article written originally by , for About.com Guide. I reposted it here because I thought someone might find it useful, and edited a little here and there, adding some additional resources. It is meant as a way to give references to guys who might be reading this blog and are going through some of the same things I was going through in college. Maybe if I had been able to read an article such as this, it would have made the coming out process easier for me.

11 Comments | posted in Coming Out, Resources

August 20, 2010

Coming Out Tips and Resources

By Joe

Coming In – You Should Come In Before You Come Out

Definition: “Coming in” is the process of discovering ones self-identity and gender expression.

Most are familiar with the term “coming out,” where an individual begins disclosing his/her sexual identity and gender expression to others but the process begins with self-discovery or by “coming in.”

Like coming out, coming in is an ongoing process and not a one-time event. Discovering ones self-identity and gender expression can take time. According to medical site WebMD, “There is about a two-year period of time for many youth during which they self identify as non-heterosexual––but they tend to keep this information to themselves.”

Many people discover their same-sex attractions, bisexuality and gender expression during the coming in process; however, coming in doesn’t always begin during adolescence. A person can come in later in life (high school, college, post-education) depending on a number of factors such as an individual’s level of self-acceptance, family life and other environments.

Coming Out: Step by Step

What does it mean to come out?

Coming out is the process of personally accepting your sexuality and disclosing it to yourself, family, co-workers and friends. Coming out is different for every gay or bisexual person since there are varying degrees of sexuality (see Kinsey Scale) and the circumstances that surround our lifestyles differ.
Coming out is a confusing time for many people. Accepting your sexuality (or coming out to yourself) can bring about a number of fears. Will your family or friends stop loving you? Will you ever get married or have children? Will you be discriminated against or made fun of? These are all valid concerns mainly rooted in the fear of the unknown; which is why many reference coming out as being reborn. This is an opportunity for you to look introspectively and re-evaluate who you are and who you want to be.

Create a personal inventory when coming out.

Sure, some gay people experience rejection when they come out, but many also find a loving and accepting support system, leading to a fulfilling gay lifestyle. Even so, happiness starts from within. And getting to know yourself is a key part of the process.
Though being gay doesn’t define you, it is a new part of your life. You can still be the same person you’ve always been, but take some “me” time to evaluate your transition. You don’t have to become a complete hermit, but concentrate on your own well being and feelings. This will make you stronger, more confident and sure of yourself. Learn as much as you can about yourself and what YOU want your gay lifestyle to be.
Take a personal inventory of your life. Write down any anger, resentments, fears and guilt that you may have about your existing life. Don’t forget the positive characteristics that also make you who you are today. Once you’ve done that, list your life goals, priorities and the things that make you happy (getting married, having children, being single, enjoying nature, art, dancing, etc.). What you are identifying is what kind of gay person you want to be.
This may seem like a silly exercise at first, but will be beneficial in the long run. Forgive yourself for any anger, resentment and guilt you may have for yourself and others and concentrate on your positive qualities. Create a new life for yourself by shaping it around your new life goals. Even as a gay person these things are possible!

Know that you are not alone.

It doesn’t matter if you live in a small town or a large metropolitan city, nothing can be more isolating than first coming out. You can be surrounded by familiar people and still feel you are the only one that is “different.” We’ve all felt these feelings when first coming out and there are millions more just like you that are currently feeling the same. There are many resources, such as gay community centers and gay online communities, where you can find others dealing with similar issues.

Deal with stereotypes, discrimination and hate against gays.

Many gay men don’t fit into existing stereotypes associated with queer people, but feel the pressure to do so by society or even other gay people. Rest assured, the gay community is just as diverse as any other community and each gay man is an individual.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t always prevent things like name-calling. You may be thinking whoever coined the term “words will never hurt me” obviously was never called a queer in a crowded room, but you do have an opportunity to take control of the situation. Maybe not by force or that cute one liner, but by protecting your own emotions and dealing with the situation that preserves your self esteem and your safety. Tune out others who may be around. Any person worth your friendship will see the haters for what they are- cowards. Even amongst laughs try not to feed into the stereotypes (learn about internalized homophobia). Be proud of the person you are and know that your offender’s comments or actions are based on their lack of understanding and fear, not your deficiency. Stand tall or flee the scene, just make safety (and not your pride) your top priority. Sometimes the bravest of the battle is the one who can walk away from the ignorance. Seek solace in those around you that do accept you and always try and prevent a gay bashing.
Know that there are also a number of national gay organizations that lobby against discrimination and defamation.

Tell family and friends you’re gay when you’re ready.

Every gay or bisexual man considers how their family and friends will react to the news that they are gay. Will your family reject you? Will your friends suddenly feel uncomfortable? Will you lose good friends or family members? These are valid questions that we must consider and unfortunately, there is no way to predict how your loved ones will react to your sexuality. The most important thing to consider is your own health and well being.
Come out to family and friends at a pace that makes YOU comfortable. There is no set time line or proper order of disclosure and each person’s situation is different. Nonetheless, the one common thread amongst gay men is the liberation they feel once they no longer have to hide their feelings. Keeping your sexuality buried can be devastating to your stability in the long run.
Surround yourself with as many positive influences, just in case your folks don’t take the news so well. Try and educate your family about your lifestyle and find a support program at a local gay community center.

Don’t give up on marriage or children.

Many of us grow up with dreams of a happy committed relationship and a house full of children. Contrary to popular belief, being gay does not condemn you to a life alone without kids. Gay marriage, civil unions or domestic partnerships is afforded to gays in many countries and states. And though legal protection is best, many gay men around the world have families that include stable and long-term relationships and natural-born or adopted children.
Learn about the many places where gay marriage is legal and how to become a gay parent.

Learn about gay love, relationships and sex.

Gay men share unique experiences when it comes to gay love, relationships and sex. Without societal “norms” for gay people, some can feel isolated or confused when it comes to matters of the heart. Here are a few resources to help guide you toward healthy gay love and relationships:

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Coming out is an experienced shared by many gay, bisexual, lesbian and transgender people. You are not alone and there is help available.
There are many resources available for you and your family and friends. Browse through the Gay Life site or the discussion forum for advice and information. If you still don’t find the answers to your questions, feel free to contact your Gay Life Guide with any concerns or just to say hello. Happy coming out and congratulations on this major life step!

Top 4 Ways You Shouldn’t Come Out

Coming out isn’t a Nascar race. There is no penalty for entering too late; there is no checker flag signifying the end; nor are you left behind if you don’t enter the race going 200 miles per hour. There is no one way to come out, but there are ways you can avoid some of the pain and drama many experience coming out to family, friends and coworkers. Avoid coming out in:

1. In anger.

Emotionally charged situations are unpredictable and actions in anger are often irrational. I came out to my dad in the midst of an argument and the situation only got worse. I was so angry I didn’t have the chance to truly express how I felt; and he was so taken aback that he completely shut it out- only for it to come up later. When you come out with a clear mind, you maintain control of the situation and express the things you need to express, all while respecting the other person.

2. As revenge.

Having the gay card in your pocket is like having the only nuclear bomb in a war against your homophobic neighbor. Your same-gender loving feelings are a part of you and should be disclosed under your terms. Why invite negativity upon yourself or share such dear details of your life in a bout of payback? If someone is slinging insults or you know they hate gays, let them have their reality. The best way to combat ignorance is to let them witness your world surrounded by love and acceptance.

3. Through a third party.

Third party news is always a bad idea. Facts and feelings can get twisted from person to person, which is why hearsay doesn’t even stand up in court. Sometimes your news will leak to others through gossip, but your loved ones will appreciate hearing it directly from you. Don’t get anyone else involved or waste time chasing the rumor mill. Important information such as this should be handled person to person. If a face to face meeting is not within your comfort zone, write a personal letter.

4. When you’re not ready.

Coming out should happen on your schedule. Of course, you can’t control whether someone finds out through other means, but you can talk about it at your own pace. There is no set age or circumstance that dictates when a person should come out. Let your feelings be your guide. I was tired of keeping such an important part of my life from those I cared about. So I started slowly telling friends one by one and then my family. Those that truly cared stuck by my side, despite the ones that didn’t.

The previous resources come from http://gaylife.about.com. I wish I had read some of these before I came out, because I know that I made many mistakes along the way. I hope you guys are able to learn from my experiences. I still have a few more resources to add and at least one more coming out story, though I may also add another about coming out in the workplace.

Leave a comment | posted in Coming Out, Resources

August 19, 2010

Coming Out: The Second Time

By Joe

Here is a continuation of my coming out stories. I apologize for it taking so long to get the next one up, but as I have said before things have been incredibly busy. If you have missed the previous coming out posts, you may check out those posts by clicking this link: Coming Out. Or by going to those posts directly. Here they are in order:

  1. Coming Out: The Struggle
  2. Coming Out: “Am I, or Am I Not?”
  3. Coming Out: “Feelings of Betrayal”
  4. Coming Out: Acceptance
  5. Coming Out to My Parents
  6. Coming Out: The Urges
  7. Coming Out: The First Step

Coming out to the first person is always a big step. It is the first time that you have told anyone else something that you (probably) consider your biggest secret. It was for me. I told two people the first time I told anyone, it was a huge step, but I was not ready for everyone to know, at least not yet. I had to become more comfortable with it myself.

The second time I came out to anyone, was probably much more dramatic. My first coming out took place in April, it was not until the following November that I decided to come fully out to the closet to my friends and colleagues. I had told no one else that I was gay. Then a situation presented itself to explore a little. I was going to attend an academic conference in New Orleans, the gay mecca for the South. So while we were down there, I was hoping to get to go to a gay bar for the first time. The events of our evening in New Orleans French Quarter worked out so that this is exactly what happened. The female friend that I had come out to was down there without her boyfriend, so we were hanging out at a few bars with some of the other graduate students. One of the other guys started hitting on my friend, this was an unwanted advance. So I suggested that we get out of there and go somewhere else. It was expected that wherever we went, these two annoying guys would follow us, so I suggested that we go to a gay bar. All of us knew that these two guys would not go to a gay bar, so we went and they decided to go to a strip club (not something I was interested in). Only three of us went to the gay bar (Oz to be exact, very fun place, btw). We had a blast, dancing, drinking, and flirting with the dancers on the bar. It was the most free and natural that I had ever felt. I had never felt as comfortable in a straight bar as I did in Oz. We all had a total blast, but it was obvious to everyone, that my coming out to most of the people in my graduate program was just around the corner.

The next Friday night, after we had returned from New Orleans, most of the graduate students were at a bar in town that we would frequently meet at when classes for the week were over. After a few drinks, I figured what the hell, let’s talk about what we all did in New Orleans. So I mentioned going to the gay bar. It was a very casual thing, and I remember a few questions being asked, but I don’t actually remember how it all went. By the end of the night, it was obvious to all those with us, that I had come out of the closet. It seemed like no big deal, and really it wasn’t. I was just finally able to quit looking like I was checking out girls.

Then Monday rolled around, and I was the center of departmental gossip. Nothing mean was said, everything was very supportive, but news got out quickly. Most of that news was in a congratulatory fashion for having the courage to come out, and how welcoming they were towards my sexuality. For those who had not gotten the message during that week, by the next weekend when we were all gathered out drinking again, everyone in my department knew. It was a very liberating experience and overall a very positive experience. Thank God that academia is a welcoming and liberal institution (for the most part anyway). I am sure that during my graduate career that my orientation has worked against me a few times, but for the most part it never made a huge difference. I am who I am, and they accepted me for it, with no questions asked and they were happy that I could be myself. They also understood the very conservative background that I came from, so their support was all the stronger.

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August 9, 2010

Coming Out: The First Step

By Joe

Coming Out of the Closet

On the Friday before spring break, in my second semester of grad school, I had gone to a party with some of my friends.  One, in particular, lived next door to me, and we used to always go to all of these grad school functions together.  There was no point in both of us taking a car.  At this point in the year, she had a boyfriend, and he usually went with us as well.  They never once made me feel like a third wheel.  We always had fun and that was just that.

Quite honestly, I no longer remember what the reason for this get together was (I think we were all going to see a band at a bar downtown), but I do remember that we ended up at a professor’s house to continue drinking after the bars had closed.  This doesn’t really matter but it ties into the story later on, the professor’s house we were at was the only gay professor in the department.  Anyway, a great deal of alcohol had been and was continuing to be consumed.  We were all DRUNK and having a great time!

As was usual with us, we were just talking about anything and everything.  Then the topic of the professor whose house we were at at the fact that he was the worst dressed gay man we knew came up.  And from there the conversation turned to about him being gay.  This was a very friendly conversation (I have rarely met two people more liberal than these friends).  Then somewhere out of the drunken ether came me saying, “You know I am not.”  To which they replied, “Of course, we know you are not gay” (now this was just a platitude because they knew that another grad student had pissed me off by asking me point blank about my sexuality).  That’s when the courage came to me to say, “No, that’s not what I mean.  I am not straight.”  They both said that they still loved me and it would never change our friendship.  They also assured me that they would not tell anyone else until I was ready to do it myself.  They were also very flattered that I felt comfortable enough to tell them.  How the conversation from there went is a little fuzzy.  I do remember them telling me that they would have never guessed, etc.  Those sort of things.  (They did tell me several years later, that they had always suspected, but realized that it was my business and I would tell them when and if I was ready.) Eventually, we went home and then we all went our separate ways for spring break.

I would not really see much of them for nearly two weeks.  Those were some of the longest two weeks of my life.  I had finally come out to someone, but we were all drunk and I had no idea if they would even remember the conversation. I remember most everything I do when I am drunk.  It is quite a curse at time, but also sometimes a blessing because it keeps me from doing something really stupid.  I saw my friend for just a brief moment the week we got back to school, but nothing about that night was mentioned.  I was so worried that I had gotten up the nerve to tell her once, and I certainly didn’t want to have to do it again.  It was never a question of whether anything would change between us.  I knew it wouldn’t, but I didn’t want to have to find another way and time to tell her again.

Finally, Friday night came around, and we all went out for out end of the week drinks. Still the night went on, and nothing was mentioned about that night.  Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.  I found myself alone with my friend, and I asked her if she remembered what I had told her.  To which she replied, “Of course, I do, I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.  I wanted you to know that nothing had changed.”  I told her that it would be nice to be able to talk to someone about it and that I had feared she would not remember.

She had always remained a great friend and about six or seven months later, she took me to my first gay bar in New Orleans.  More about that story in the next post.

Sorry that this post is so late today, but I have been working very hard to get ready for my new job that starts tomorrow.  I had pre-work/training days last week, but I have my first full work day tomorrow.  I am nervous as hell and have been busy trying to make sure that everything is ready.  I will write more about this later, in a way that will not reveal too much about myself.  It is for reasons concerning this new job that is part of the reason that I started these posts about coming out.

2 Comments | posted in Coming Out

August 8, 2010

Coming Out: The Urges

By Joe

Once I admitted to myself that I was gay, I decided that I had to come to terms with it more than just admitting it. I was lonely and wanted to find a boyfriend. This search still continues. Here is the last of the poems I wrote during this period.

The Urges

My heart aches,
My stomach churns,
My loins burn,
My head spins.
What are these symptoms of?
I have an itch
That cannot be scratched
If I only knew what was wrong
It happens when I see the beauty.
I either go mute or return to a stutter.
I tremble and quake and my nerves are shot to hell.

The agony of it.

I guess when I look back on retrospect, I was just horny as hell.

I apologize to all my readers for the lack of posts this week. I have been incredibly busy with my new job. That will probably continue for the next few weeks, but I will try to at least post once a day. I still have a few more in the coming out series that I will attempt to post in the next few days. Then we will be back to history, culture, art, and politics. Please stay tuned.

Leave a comment | posted in Coming Out, Poetry