Category Archives: Inspiration

August 15, 2011

May-December Romances

By Joe

The term “May-December Romances” refers to a romantic pairing where one person is significantly older than the other. The age difference is at least a decade, but often more. The phrase comes from the younger person being in the “spring” of his or her life (i.e., May), while the older partner is in his or her “winter” (i.e., December). In the gay community there often seems to be  a focus on youth, but when a gay man is out of their twenties, does age really matter anymore?

Several weeks ago someone requested a commentary on age differences. There are no real moral or ethical implications of dating a person older or younger than yourself. Most people do find an attraction to someone a few years older or younger. However, in this email that I received the man was referring to age differences of 10, 20, or 30 years. He is in his sixties and his partner is in his forties.

The first thing that needs to be determined is if there is an unhealthy reason for not choosing a person of ones similar age. This would be true of the predatory adult who needs to control and manipulate another person and therefore seeks a weaker type of person who sometimes is also younger. This type of predatory person is dangerous and may be violent. Though I don’t know a great deal about their relationship, the man that emailed me seemed very happy with his relationship and did not give any indication that there were any unhealthy reasons for their relationship, and I can’t see any reason that there should be.

I have no experience myself with a May-December relationship, but I know several men who are older than me, that if they lived closer to me, I would be all over them. An intelligent, cultured is the type of relationship that I have always wanted. I have no desire to be a gold-digger or a boy-toy (which I am too old for anyway), but to have a mature relationship that is not all about sex (though sex is a consideration in the equation) is the type of relationship I have always desired. Whether the person is older, younger, or the same age as I am, it is the connection of the minds that means more to me.

One of the most famous gay May-December romances is probably that of Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy. At forty-eight years old and already an esteemed British writer, Christopher Isherwood met 18-year-old Don Bachardy at Will Rogers State Beach in October 1952 and by early the next year, the two had begun an intimate relationship that lasted until Isherwood’s death in 1986. They were a high-profile, openly gay couple whose meeting coincided with one of the most homophobic decades in American history, the era of McCarthyism, when homosexuals were being driven out of the State Department.

Yet to the gay community at large, as well as those who were casually acquainted with the couple, Isherwood and Bachardy seemed to live an enviably idyllic existence in their hillside Santa Monica home, where they entertained the leading figures of the world of arts and letters, and the movie stars that Bachardy once sought out for autographs. For all that seeming perfection, Guido Santi and Tina Mascara’s loving yet clear-eyed documentary, “Chris & Don: A Love Story,” reveals that the couple worked hard and long to achieve their bliss.

Nowhere in this fine, quiet, richly-sourced documentary is the phrase “gay marriage” ever uttered. But then, the relationship at hand spanned three pre-political decades until 1986, when Christopher Isherwood died in L.A. Today, in the same gloriously sunny, cozy Santa Monica cottage they shared, his surviving partner Don Bachardy, a portrait artist, leafs through dozens of often nude sketches made during Isherwood’s last days—and even after his death. It seems perfectly natural, and the film includes even more dazzling visual records—photos and color home movies from Venice in the ’50s and of mingling with the stars back home (including Igor Stravinsky, Truman Capote, Tennessee Williams, Aldous Huxley, David Hockney, and John Boorman). And in a nice nod to Cabaret, which made Isherwood’s fortune, Michael York reads from the author’s letters and diaries. Chris and Don met at ages 49 and 18, respectively, on the beach, where Don and his older brother (also gay) were trolling for sugar daddies. Was that so wrong? Their relationship—and this movie—prove otherwise. Boorman comments, “Isherwood had succeeded in cloning himself.” To which Bachardy, speaking in the third person, agrees: “It was exactly what the young boy wanted.”

13 Comments | posted in Gay Icon, Inspiration, Resources

August 7, 2011

O Where Are You Going?

By Joe

“O where are you going?” said reader to rider,
“That valley is fatal when furnaces burn,
Yonder’s the midden whose odours will madden,
That gap is the grave where the tall return.”

“O do you imagine,” said fearer to farer,
“That dusk will delay on your path to the pass,
Your diligent looking discover the lacking
Your footsteps feel from granite to grass?”

“O what was that bird,” said horror to hearer,
“Did you see that shape in the twisted trees?
Behind you swiftly the figure comes softly,
The spot on your skin is a shocking disease.”

“Out of this house,” said rider to reader,
“Yours never will,” said farer to fearer,
“They’re looking for you,” said hearer to horror,
As he left them there, as he left them there.
— W H Auden

Many a time you come across those who even not dare to dream, forget doing. The poem inspires us to keep the insecurities inside, because the reason for living lies there, in the experience. Do you ever ask yourself, “O, Where am I going? What am I doing with my life?”  My teaching job begins again tomorrow (we have two days of teacher work days, and the heathens students return on Wednesday).  As another year begins and I am still teaching at a small private school, I wonder “O, Where am I going? What am I doing with my life?”  I know I teach because I love it.  I am there because I want to open up the minds of the students, to show them that there is a world out there beyond their little inclusive group/society.

With this teaching job, I sometimes feel like my life in on hold.  I hope that when I finish my PhD (hopefully, I will graduate in May), that I can move on to better things.  I want to have  a real life again.  I want to be out socializing again.  Though I have friends at the academy, they have their own lives and families.  We are all too busy to socialize.  In fact, the main socializing any of them do with one another is either through their children or through church.  Since I have no children and I do not attend the same church as most of them, I am not part of that clique.  It’s okay, I’m not meaning to sound like a pity party, but I do feel like my life and career are on hold for a bit.

I had hoped for a better paying job to begin this fall.  After the fall/spring/summer job search, I was offered one position (this one would have been a step back instead of a step forward) and had one job interview (the one I told you guys about that took place two weeks ago).  Though the job interview seemed to go really well, and I believe that I would have enjoyed teaching at this community college, I was told that they would narrow the candidates further down to three and those three would be invited back for interviews with the college’s president.  I never heard anything more from them.  And since the job is supposed to begin next Monday, I expect that I was not chosen for the top three.  It is possible that they really are waiting until the last minute, I have the feeling that I was passed over.  So the new school year teaching middle and high school  students at the academy begins again this week.

I am actually looking forward to it.  I will probably know for sure by the time Friday rolls around, but I like the classes that I am scheduled to teach.  They will be the same as last year, so there will be opportunities to improve upon what I did last year.  I am going in with a positive attitude that this will be a great year.  And I think when we ask ourselves “O, Where am I going? What am I doing with my life?” that if we look on the brighter side of things, no matter how dim the light may, we will make it happen.  Though I know that I am not always positive, I at least strive to be an optimist.

“O, Where Are You Going?”

8 Comments | posted in Inspiration, Poetry

June 25, 2011

Moment of Zen: Rainbow of Pride

By Joe
Don’t you just love Gay Pride Season and all the colors of the rainbow?  

Remember the Bible story we were told as kids, that the Rainbow is a promise from God to not destroy the earth by a flood again.  So, the next time you see a rainbow, think of Noah and the flood. Remember that God loves you, and that no matter how bad the storm, there will always come a bright new day.  I have always loved that GLBT people have embraced the rainbow as their symbol of peace, love, and unity and that “no matter how bad the storm, there will always come a bright new day.”

That is God’s promise, and God always keeps his promises.  One of the things that can get in the way of our feelings of gay pride is religion, so tomorrow will begin a series of posts about Religion and Sexuality.  I hope that you will join me on this journey of discovery, reflection, and, yes, even pride.

2 Comments | posted in Inspiration, Moment of Zen

June 22, 2011

Twenty Inspirational Quotes

By Joe
“Quote, Unquote“

Not all of the quotes below are necessarily gay quotes, some of them just seem to speak to me, but most of them are about homosexuality.  I hope you enjoy them.  Sometimes I just love a great quote.
  1. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.—Dr. Seuss
  2.  Homosexuality is god’s way of insuring that the truly gifted aren’t burdened with children.—Sam Austin
  3.  If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. —Johann von Goethe
  4.  Everybody’s journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality—James Baldwin
  5.  If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in queer to work: “Hello. Can’t work today, still queer.” —Robin Tyler
  6.  If horse racing is the sport of kings, then drag racing must be the sport of queens. —Bert R. Sugar
  7.  If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered. —Robin Tyler
  8.  I’m a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being… by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant. —Paul Newman
  9.  It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy. —Lucille Ball
  10.  Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won’t be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. —Judy Carte
  11.  Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. —Benjamin Disraeli
  12.  Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself. —Harvey Fierstein
  13.  No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don’t love anybody. —Rita Mae Brown
  14.  Straight Americans need… an education of the heart and soul. They must understand – to begin with – how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul. —Bruce Bawer
  15.  The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision. —Lynn Lavner
  16.  The next time someone asks you, “Hey, howdja get to be a homosexual anyway?” tell them, “Homosexuals are chosen first on talent, then interview… then the swimsuit and evening gown competition pretty much gets rid of the rest of them.” —Karen Williams
  17.  We are not the first but I am sure we will not be the last. After us will come many other countries, driven, ladies and gentleman, by two unstopable forces: freedom and equality—Jose Luis Rodrigueaz, Prime Minister of Spain (In speech given after Spain legalized gay marriage)
  18.  What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it’s curved like a road through mountains. —Tennessee Williams (A Streetcar Named Desire, 1947)
  19.  I don’t think homosexuality is a choice. Society forces you to think it’s a choice, but in fact, it’s in one’s nature. The choice is whether one expresses one’s nature truthfully or spends the rest of one’s life lying about it. —Marlo Thomas
  20.  Homosexuality, is regarded as shameful by barbarians and by those who live under despotic governments just as philosophy is regarded as shameful by them, because it is apparently not in the interest of such rulers to have great ideas engendered in their subjects, or powerful friendships or passionate love-all of which homosexuality is particularly apt to produce. —Plato

2 Comments | posted in Inspiration

June 6, 2011

Cast Down Your Bucket Where You Are: An Idealist’s Dream

By Joe

Friends-Logo
I am an idealist and a realist all at once, or at least I strive to be both, even though they seem contradictory.  A few people commented on my post yesterday, Pale Blue Dot, in which I suggested that in celebration of Pride Month that “I think we should show random acts of kindness.”  The comments showed very clearly an old debate in all struggles for equality.  Whether we should be “accommodationists” or “activists” is a debate that dates back throughout all equality struggles.  The most famous is probably that of Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. Dubois in their struggles dealing with the black community in the late 19th and 20th century.  And this is precisely what I want to discuss in this post, and why I have such a strong belief in the ethics of reciprocity.  First let show you my example of Washington and Dubois, then I will quickly discuss women’s liberation, and GLBT liberation movements.

Accommodationists vs. Activists

btwoverviewBooker T. Washington was born a slave in 1856. His philosophy was one of “accommodation” in which “Negroes” accepted the idea of white supremacy and legalized discrimination.  In 1895, Washington gave what later came to be known as the Atlanta Compromise speech before the Cotton States and International Exposition in Atlanta. His address was one of the most important and influential speeches in American history, guiding African-American resistance to white discrimination and establishing Washington as one of the leading black spokesmen in America. Washington’s speech stressed accommodation rather than resistance to the racist order under which Southern African Americans lived.He used the following story in his speech that day:

A ship lost at sea for many days suddenly sighted a friendly vessel. From the mast of the unfortunate vessel was seen a signal: “Water, water. We die of thirst.” The answer from the friendly vessel at once came back: “Cast down your bucket where you are.” A second time, the signal, “Water, send us water!” went up from the distressed vessel. And was answered: “Cast down your bucket where you are.” A third and fourth signal for water was answered: “Cast down your bucket where you are.” The captain of the distressed vessel, at last heeding the injunction, cast down his bucket and it came up full of fresh, sparkling water from the mouth of the Amazon River.

In his “Atlanta Compromise Address,” he urges white America to help “Negroes” acquire employment and gain knowledge in agricultural and technological fields. In return, “Negroes” would give up their struggle for social equality and voting rights. His belief was that hard work, useful education, and the acquisition of land might earn civil rights. Many supported his plan; it was the more peaceful approach to helping African Americans and required no concession to equality. White philanthropists donated money and made it possible for Washington to found the Tuskegee Institute where African Americans were taught a useful trade.
Du_Bois_WEB_seated1903W.E.B. DuBois was born a free man and was educated at Harvard University. Like Washington, he agreed that “Negroes” needed to become economically independent and better their place in the world. On the other hand, DuBois was outraged at racial injustice and inequality. He demanded that African Americans be given the right to vote, equal rights, and more educational opportunities. He wanted to reform education to meet the needs and interests of all African American students. In the “Declaration of the Principles of the Niagara Movement” he and other Black intellectuals outline a list of demands-mainly social equality. This movement led to the organization of the N.A.A.C.P. (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People).
Eventually, the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s in the United States led to a mixture of both of these approaches along with Thoreau’s ideas of civil disobedience and Gandhi’s ideas of non-violence to achieve their goals.  The women’s rights movement had a similar conflict.  The Seneca Falls Convention of 1848 formulated the demand for women’s suffrage in the United States of America and after the American Civil War (1861–1865) agitation for the cause became more prominent. In 1869 the proposed nawsaFifteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution, which gave the vote to black men, caused controversy as women’s suffrage campaigners such as Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton refused to endorse the amendment, as it did not give the vote to women. Others, such as Lucy Stone and Julia Ward Howe however argued that if black men were enfranchised, women would achieve their goal. The conflict caused two organizations to emerge, the National Woman Suffrage Association, which campaigned for women’s suffrage at a federal level as well as for married women to be given property rights, and the American Woman Suffrage Association, which aimed to secure women’s suffrage through state legislation.
dubsw_medIn the past, especially with my posts about Stonewall, I have talked about the early split between the conservative groups such as The Mattachine Society which tried to work with the system in the US during the 1950s and 1960s and later the Gay Liberation Front, which was more visible during the 1970s than many people actually preferred to be, but for the GLF to succeed they had no choice but to use the “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it” tactics. Though The Mattachine Society was replaced by the Gay Liberation Front there still continues to be a debate about how we should go about equality.  Should we work with the system at hand (the current government), or should we be more active and use the “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it” tactics?  President Obama made many promises to the GLBT community, however, he has been slow to actually push through those promises.
usmap-southI live in a highly Republican/Christian Right state which is highly homophobic.  How do I deal with this?  Sometimes you have to turn the other cheek.  You have to show them through actions, not protests that we are just like everyone else.  I tend to believe in the Booker T. Washington approach of casting our buckets where we are.  We have to work with what we have.  Does that mean that we shouldn’t occasionally fight back?  HELL NO, but still the same to gain enough allies to fight back.  Just as I wouldn’t go into a redneck honky-tonk and announce alone, “I’m here, I’m queer, fucking get used to it” instead I would make sure that I had a large support group with me and just be myself.  We are who we are, and we shouldn’t change that for other people.  I can camp it up when I have been drinking but that is not really the real me, it’s just the me without many inhibitions.  But I attempt to always be true to myself.

My Ideal Solution

I know that far too many people in this world do not follow my ethical ideals of reciprocity.  I am by no means always successful, but I strive for it everyday.  I strive to follow what we have been taught of as the Golden Rule.  Some may mock me for my belief in “love thine enemies,” “turn the other cheek,” or my oft quoted belief in “One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.”
religionEvery major religion and philosophy has the ethics of reciprocity as their cornerstone.  An early example of the Golden Rule that reflects the Ancient Egyptian concept of Maat appears in the story of The Eloquent Peasant which is dated to the Middle Kingdom (c. 2040–1650 BCE): “Now this is the command: Do to the doer to cause that he do.” An example from a Late Period (c. 664 BC – 323 BCE) papyrus: “That which you hate to be done to you, do not do to another.”  Plato quoted Socrates as stating “One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”  Confucius stated “Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself.”  The ethics of reciprocity are evident in several different forms in Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Jainism, and Buddhism. Luke 6:31 says: “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.”  In Muhammad’s The Farewell Sermon, he stated “Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you.” Zoroaster, the founder of the Persian religion Zoroastrianism, probably summed it up most succinctly in his belief in “good word, good deeds, and good thoughts.”
Just think about this, if everyone followed the tenements of the Golden Rule, there would be no war, there would be not inequality, no discrimination, no sexism, no homophobia, no religious strife, etc.  We would live in a world of unlimited freedom, peace, and prosperity.  Why do we not all follow the Golden Rule?  Greed and human nature are the answer to that.  Until we decide to become better people and live by example, we will not achieve this ideal goal.  I don’t expect everyone to follow this advice, but if we realized what could be achieved though this, then we show others how humanity and grow and evolve into a utopian society of unlimited freedom, peace, and prosperity.  I realize that there is no such thing as a Utopia, and I doubt there ever will be, but I can still have hope and faith in humanity to become a better species and to treat all of mankind as you would like to be treated.
Rainbow flags gay lesbian glbt Peace Signs (2949)

4 Comments | posted in History, Inspiration, Theory

June 5, 2011

Pale Blue Dot

By Joe

 Sagan points out that “all of human history has happened on that tiny pixel, which is our only home” (speech at Cornell University, October 13th 1994, shown here inside a blue circle).

PaleBlueDot
In his book, Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space, Carl Sagan related his thoughts on a deeper meaning of this photograph:

From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of particular interest. But for us, it’s different. Look again at that dot. That’s here, that’s home, that’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.

Just think about that little pixel on this photograph of the planet Earth taken in 1990 by Voyager 1 from a record distance, showing it against the vastness of space. By request of Carl Sagan, NASA commanded the Voyager 1 spacecraft, having completed its primary mission and now leaving the Solar System, to turn its camera around and to take a photograph of Earth across a great expanse of space. It is an amazing thought that we inhabit that small pixel.  When we worry about all those things in life, when we worry about what someone has said to us, when we worry about the hate associated with small minded people, etc.  All of those things are made insignificant by that little pale blue dot as seen from a man-made satellite as it leaves the Solar System.  For me this just says so much about our existence.  God placed us on this this pale blue dot to do something, to achieve something, and that something is to treat others as we would like to be treated.  It doesn’t matter how they treat us, but how we treat them.

June is Gay Pride Month.  PrideNotPrejudiceGo out and do something that no other group does during the month associated with them.  What do I think we should do?  I think we should show random acts of kindness.  That is how we can truly show our pride.  I hope you will join me in this month of celebration by not getting upset at the homophobes that exist, but instead treat them as you wish to be treated.  I realize that this is a plea of a pacifist, but it is also a plea for humanity and equality.  We are all a part of that pale blue dot, and we must find a way to live in harmony.

8 Comments | posted in History, Inspiration

May 29, 2011

Lovely Advice

By Joe

Health:

  1. tumblr_liw3656UYB1qdhlyeo1_400Drink plenty of water.
  2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
  3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
  4. Live with the 3 E’s – Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
  5. Play more games.
  6. Read more books than you did in 2010.
  7. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
  8. Sleep for 7 hours.
  9. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

  1. 6_30_2010_YOTDDon’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  2. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
  3. Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
  4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
  5. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
  6. Dream more while you are awake.
  7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  8. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
  9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
  10. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
  11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
  12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. tumblr_llnutalSKT1qceuzao1_1280Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
  13. Smile and laugh more.
  14. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

  1. Call your family often.
  2. Each day give something good to others.
  3. Forgive everyone for everything.
  4. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
  5. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
  6. What other people think of you is none of your business.
  7. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.tumblr_ljrxypdlvu1qdslmho1_400[4]

Life:

  1. Do the right thing!
  2. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
  3. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  4. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
  5. The best is yet to come.
  6. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

5 Comments | posted in Inspiration

April 25, 2011

Lies and Controversy

By Joe

tumblr_lfm4mzkerD1qajhgvo1_500

On August 21, the gay blogger and youtuber, Davey Wavey (www.breaktheillusion.com), posted a video blog about the “7 Huge Gay Lies” that gay men tell.  In the video, Davey explained that the majority of gays lie about:

  • how many partners they’ve ever had
  • using gay hookup sites
  • cheating on their boyfriends
  • their penis size
  • their fetishes
  • having safe sex
  • their age

This caused a shitstorm of controversy which, sadly, led Davey to take down the video and post this one instead.  The controversy around the video was led by another gay blogger and youtuber named Tyler Oakley, who claims that these are just negative stereotypes and teach young gays bad habits, while also denying ever lying about any of the above. (I’ll take him at his word on this.)  I personally have never lied about any of the things above either, though Tyler goes further to state that not only has he never lied about any of these things, but that he has never done any of them.  In a comment on Davey Wavey’s original video he stated:

  1. I’m honest on how many partners I’ve had.
  2. I’ve never used a hookup site.  I met my boyfriend on a blind date.
  3. I’ve never cheated.  I have respect for them and myself.
  4. I’ve never been in a situation where someone has asked me for my penis size, so I’ve never had a chance to lie about it.  Maybe I have a higher standard for the conversations I have.
  5. I only have safe sex with committed tested partners.
  6. I’ve never lied about my age.

You should stop perpetrating stereotypes.

Now, if these is true, great for Tyler.  Like I said before I won’t say he is lying because maybe he is not.  But, I have a few things to say, and I will go through them point by point (all seven of them).

First of all, I am as honest about how many partners I’ve had as I can be, though the exact number is a little fuzzy. (I’ll be the first to say that I had my slutty phase, but I don’t think it was too slutty of a phase.) There are some hookups, that I would like to forget, but I have a pretty good memory of them.  To give an example of one of the ones I would like to forget was a guy that I met online.  He was a fellow teacher (special ed, which in my opinion makes him a pretty special person).  We seemed to have a lot in common, and I enjoyed our chats.  We decided to get together for some “fun.”  We were chatting after we met up, and he was talking about his kids.  Now, I always refer to my students as my kids, so I didn’t think anything more of it.  Then he made a comment about his wife.  We were kind of in the heat of the moment, and I put it at the back of my mind while we were both naked.  In retrospect, I should have stopped him and sent him on his way.  I believe in being faithful to a partner, and I felt disgusted with myself for fooling around with a married man.  It is not one of the highlights of my life.  Not all men are honest about the number of partners they’ve had.  I’ve run into this many times.  We should be honest with each other, and Davey is right that not all of us are.

As stated in the previous paragraph, I have used gay hookup sites.  When you are a gay man in the South, there are several good reasons for this.  1)  There aren’t a lot of places to go meet other gay men, especially while living in small towns or rural areas.  2)  Not everybody has friends who know other gay friends to set them up on blind dates, and it can be hard to find us in a small community. 3) Sometimes we need to be discreet.  There are other reasons, but these are the three biggies.  Good for Tyler for not using gay hookup sites, but what is wrong with it?  Those sites are not just about sex and immediate hookups, though many guys think of them as such.  I have met some great people that I have had a lot of fun with, sex or not, on these sites, and I will not lie about it (though maybe I will be vague about it to some of my straight friends).  The point is, why lie?  It is nothing to be ashamed of. (And on a side note, we know Davey Wavey has used hookup sites because he has blogged about it, and his naked profile pics are all over the internet.)

I personally have never cheated in the traditional sense of the word, except for the special ed teacher, and that was accidental.  I didn’t’ think I had to ask if he was married or not.  I was naïve, and I have since learned.  Furthermore, you all should know that I am a Christian.  In my belief, lusting in one’s heart (as Jimmy Carter put it), masturbating to the image of another man, checking out that hot guy across the room, etc., are all forms of cheating. That brief though is a betrayal of your partner, and you are not being completely faithful to your partner.  The old saying “Just because you are on a diet, doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu,” is actually just plain wrong.  If you are in a committed relationship, then why would your eye wonder.  Truth be told, it is human nature for our eyes to wonder.  How do we remedy this?  I honestly don’t know, but I have no doubt that we should be honest with our partners.  Lies only lead to problems.

Now, penis size… OMFG!  I mean really.  If I had a dollar for every time a man lied to me about his penis size, I might not be a millionaire, but I’m pretty sure I would be comfortably well off. If I had a dollar for every time any man has lied about his penis size to me or not, I would be at least a billionaire.  Tyler wrote, “I’ve never been in a situation where someone has asked me for my penis size, so I’ve never had a chance to lie about it.  Maybe I have a higher standard for the conversations I have.”  Really, he has never had that conversation with someone else. I’ve had that conversation with straight men and gay men alike and numerous female friends.  When it comes down to it, most men lie just a little.  I don’t, because honestly, I’m happy with my size.  I wish it were a bit longer, but I’ve never had a complaint. And as for Tyler’s statement, “Maybe I have a higher standard for the conversations I have” what kind of fucking boring life does Tyler live.  I mean really. (Maybe that is not fair, but I dislike it when people try to act like total goody two shoes.)  What the hell does this guy talk about.  It is certainly not all that I talk about, but there is nothing to be shameful or deceptive about.  I have friends who are very open about these kinds of things, and a couple of beers, sex talk, and you have a fun night ahead.  (A tidbit of historical gossip here, the only man in history that it was widely rumored during his lifetime to have a huge penis is Marcus Antonius.  Believe it or not, in Ancient Rome, this was a slur.  He was seen as being led around by his cock, and subsequently, Cleopatra.  If it was so big, how did he keep it hidden under that short leather skirt?) Enough said. Just be honest about your size.

Okay, so I will admit that I don’t always tell everyone I am with about my fetishes. If a guy were to ask, I would tell.  We all have things that we find sexually exciting.  By the way, Tyler did not address this lie.  Does he tell all of his partners about his fetishes? Why did he leave this out? Maybe he really is just completely boring (again, maybe not fair).  I’ve never read his blog, and after seeing how he reacted to Davey’s video, I don’t think I want to.

As for safe sex, I haven’t always been safe.  I was the top in unprotected anal sex once (long story that involves and orgy and a guy that put my dick into his ass before I knew it, and in the heat of the moment I went with it).  Tyler wrote, “I only have safe sex with committed tested partners.”  Again good for him, but he never says that he is always honest with them.  Also, no sex is totally safe.  Tests are not always accurate. Partners are not always faithful, no matter what we want to believe.  Oral sex is not completely safe (though deemed low risk if you don’t swallow) even if you use dental dams and condoms.  Condoms can break.  All kinds of problems can happen.  Abstinence and solo masturbation are the only truly safe sex.   All the rest is “safer” sex.  Again, this is something that I am honest about. There is no reason to lie.  Better to be safe than sorry.

I will not, have not, and never will lie about my age.  A year older is a thing to celebrate, and it  beats the hell out of the alternative (i.e. death).  I am happy that I am a 33 year old man.  There are more things that I wish I had done before this age (finished my PhD for one), but we all have some regrets.  It doesn’t make me ashamed of my age.  Have men and women ever lied to me about their age?  Yes, they have, and they will continue to do so as long as we have an emphasis on youth. Be honest and be proud.

I don’t think (in fact, I know) Davey Wavey was not trying to perpetuate stereotypes, but in is touch feely gay guru way was talking about honesty.  Davey Wavey, from all of his stuff that I have read and watched, tries to get us as gay men to love ourselves and to guard ourselves against the ever prevalent self-hatred that so many of us face at on time or another.  I am sorry that he took down the video.  I didn’t get to see it before it was taken down, but I can’t believe it was offensive as Tyler lambasted him for.  What Davey is like in real life is, I hope, very close to the personality he portrays on his blog and videos. I may not divulge my completely true identity here, but I endeavor to be honest about who I am.  Some of my readers who have gotten to know me outside of my blog would, and again I hope, describe me as a loving and caring person.  And as a human being, I may have a temper on occasion and my students get to see it every so often.  None of us are perfect.  I still work very hard to follow my two main rules in life:

Do unto others and you would have them do unto you.

and

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

I don’t always succeed, but I do my very best.  I am sorry that the gay community lashed out at Davey Wavey for being honest about what he sees as problems in the gay community.  Never has there been a civil rights movement (at least not in my knowledge), that have taken criticism about and especially from within their community well.  A few weeks ago, I was honored to hear a conference paper about homophobia in the African-American Civil Rights Movement.  The main person that the presenter was discussing was a gay man (and as I write this I can’t remember his name) who got moved to a behind the scenes position, and eventually out of the movement, because of his perceived sexual immorality, i.e. his homosexuality.  However, it was this particular person, who while Martin Luther King, Jr. was receiving the Nobel Peace Prize was called upon to ask King and the other ministers gathered to “stop having orgies in the hotel.”  The point is that until we start working together instead of letting the green monster of jealousy and our own ignorance about our community, we cannot move forward.  We will only move backwards.  Yes, the GLBT community is very diverse, but we have one thing in common, and that is that we are GLBT, we love someone of the same sex, and we have a long road ahead of us for equality.

Further Reading:

There are many other reactions: negative to either Davey or Tyler. I think if you read Tyler’s original post and his reaction to Larson’s “open letter” you will see that Tyler probably took Davey’s comments the wrong way, at least in my opinion.  This post is most of all to address the “7 Huge Gay Lies” that Davey outlined in his post.  I think the original message is worth reading and that the vitriolic reaction to it tells us (sadly) a lot about the gay community.

For something of more of a lighter mood click “more” below.  Warning it contains graphic nudity.

 

It will not get bigger just because you lie about it.

I wonder if Pinocchio ever grows a mustache, LOL.  I’ve never been a huge fan of shaved pubes.

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Be happy with what you’ve got.

4 Comments | posted in History, Inspiration, Miscellaneous

March 27, 2011

Rocking the Boat

By Joe

Guys and Dolls was on TCM the other night.  I admit it, I love most musicals.  Guys and Dolls is no exception.  I particularly love this song.
Truth be told, sometimes we should sit down and stop “rocking the boat.”  Life can’t always be fair, but we have to make do with what we have sometimes.  However, there are certain things worth fighting for which calls for “rocking the boat.”  If we all are to treat others fairly and truthfully, we may rock the boat a little, but the world will be a better place.

5 Comments | posted in Inspiration, Video

December 25, 2010

Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men

By Joe
The Story of the Birth of Christ
 
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Matthew 1:18-2:12

Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost.  Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily.  But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.   And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins.  Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying,  “Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.”  Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife:  And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS.

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Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem,  Saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him.  When Herod the king had heard these things, he was troubled, and all Jerusalem with him.  And when he had gathered all the chief priests and scribes of the people together, he demanded of them where Christ should be born.  And they said unto him, In Bethlehem of Judaea: for thus it is written by the prophet,  And thou Bethlehem, in the land of Juda, art not the least among the princes of Juda: for out of thee shall come a Governor, that shall rule my people Israel.  Then Herod, when he had privily called the wise men, inquired of them diligently what time the star appeared.  And he sent them to Bethlehem, and said, Go and search diligently for the young child; and when ye have found him, bring me word again, that I may come and worship him also.  When they had heard the king, they departed; and, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was.  When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.  And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh.  And being warned of God in a dream that they should not return to Herod, they departed into their own country another way.

Luke 2:1-20

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And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.  (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)  And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.  And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)  To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.  And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.  And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.  And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.   And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.  And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.   And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,  “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”  And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.  And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.  And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.  And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.  But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.  And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

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I was never a huge Peanuts (Charlie Brown) fan, but since I was a child, when I hear Luke Chapter 2 read, I always hear it in Linus’s voice.  So here is Linus explaining the meaning of Christmas.
 
Linus Explains Christmas

2 Comments | posted in Inspiration, Video