I have always said that my church, and my preacher in particular, stayed out of the politics of the world and focused on the love of Christians and how to be a better person, especially in the eyes of God. With the recent SCOTUS decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, I feared that this situation would change, but I had hopes that my preacher would follow the congregations wishes that we do not discuss politics at church. When it was not mentioned the Sunday after the decision, I hoped that I was correct, but it just took him a bit longer to come up with a “proper” response. He claimed at the beginning of his sermon that he was going to be more positive than most Christian commentators. Yet, he used the same old tripe and hypocritical inaccuracies that so many have used in the past.

I will discuss these points in another post, but I will give a summary of what he said. He claimed that God has always remained the same and has never wavered in his commandments. He used the Leviticus, Romans, and Corinthians verses often used by those condemning gay people, even though they take them out of context. And one thing that he did that I found particularly loathsome was that while he always uses the King James Version of the Bible in every sermon I’ve ever heard him preach, he used a modern translation that uses the word homosexuality incorrectly. The Bible would have never used the word homosexuality because it wasn’t a word until the 19th century, nor would it have been used because there wasn’t an ancient concept of homosexuality.

I shouldn’t have been surprised by his belief on homosexuality, but he has never mentioned it in the pulpit. I have always felt that it is a political question of those who fear their own loss of their version of moral superiority, but it is not a biblical interpretation of morality. When you must pick and choose verses of the Bible and translations and ignore others that don’t suit your argument, then you are not following the will of God. I have rarely ever left church angry; I usually leave with a sense of peace. However, yesterday, I left church furious, and I felt betrayed.

It seems that far too often people that I have put my faith in have turned untrustworthy. For example, I believed in what my former headmaster had as plans for the school. When others disagreed, I kept my belief that he was making the school a better place. When he said that academics would always come before athletics, I believed him. Then I was fired and replaced with a coach who did not have the credentials I had for teaching history. Now , my minister has caused me to lose my respect of him. When many people spread rumors and insinuations about his fidelity in his marriage and his business ethics, I had always taken up for him, and I never believed the allegations. I still don’t, but I always said that no matter what people believed about him, he has been there for my family and is a truly excellent preacher. He teaches about how to be better people, and he’s always used the Bible to back his beliefs without having to resort to word trickery. Now I have lost my faith and respect for him. I felt like both of these men betrayed me.

I shouldn’t have been as upset as I was, I should have known it was coming, but when it did, it angered me. I always thought better of my preacher than that. I guess I put too much faith in people. Even more of an incentive to get out of this place, but I fear people who disappoint others is everywhere you go.

DISCLAIMER: I am not singling anyone out in this post, nor am I angry at anyone. However, I want to explain why suggestions are not always easy to implement.

Each time I rant about stupid bigoted Alabama politics or something with my family or whatever situation I speak of, someone and generally more than one person, suggests that I move. Moving away from here has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. When I moved to Mississippi for graduate school, I did get away. I lived in Mississippi’s most progressive city, or at least it was progressive in the circles I was in. However, circumstances brought me home and I’ve been trying to get away again since.

I have been working on this for five years, and it’s one of my many failures in life. I can’t seem to make it work, and I can’t just pick up and move. For the past five years, I have been underemployed, and now I am unemployed. All of that means that I was living paycheck to paycheck and now I wonder what will happen when I get paid my last paycheck at the end of this month. Unemployment should kick in, but it will be just enough to pay my current bills (I hope). Moving will take two things, which I currently don’t have: a job elsewhere (or a job at all for that matter) and money.

I am not a risk taker. I really never have been, which means that I am not going to drop everything and move to a new place without a job. I’m not even sure that if I get a job elsewhere I will be able to afford to move, but I will pray that my family will help me get on my feet somewhere else if it’s for a good job. Poverty fucking sucks, and it keeps sucking you in deeper and deeper. I have talked about my money situations before, and I do believe one day it will get better. Right now though, the future is hopeful but also pretty damn scary. So it’s easy to say move away from Alabama, but the reality is not so easy. 

There is also something else to consider when people suggest that someone move away from a less than welcoming environment. Some people have reasons for staying. I have a boyfriend here, and the dynamics of leaving him is not something I want to discuss on this blog, that will remain private. Just know that he wants what is best for me. Also, my family is here, including my niece and nephew. Those are things that would make me very sad to leave behind, but things I could live with. But there are other LGBT individuals who have much stronger reasons to stay. Maybe they take care of a sick family member. Maybe they work for a civil rights organization. Maybe they can’t imagine living anywhere else. There are so many reasons why people would want to stay in Alabama, reasons that outside of this state, people might not understand, but it doesn’t make their reasons less important. Therefore when I rant about issues in Alabama, I am hoping for a better place not just for me, but for the whole LGBT community in Alabama.

Any of us who dealt with bullies as children, or even as adults, know that there are times when you need to run away, but there are also times to take a stand. If we don’t take a stand, then the bigots win. They cannot win. We have to continue fighting, and even if I leave Alabama, I will continue to be interested in Alabama politics and the rights of the LGBT community in Alabama. I still keep up with what happens in Mississippi because I did live there for ten years, and I keep up with Louisiana because I have wonderful friends there.

So my point is, it’s nice to say “move” but the reality is not so easy. It’s more complicated than that.

I think that I’m mostly going to just take it easy today.  Have you ever taken one of those very fun vacations where you did a lot of sightseeing and had a great time, but when you got home you were pretty tired?  Well, that is me right now.  I had an absolutely wonderful vacation in Louisiana, but I’m exhausted. So, I’m going to take it easy.  I will fill out a few job applications and take care of a few things that I couldn’t do while on vacation.  Mostly, though I’m going to rest and relax with my little girls.  

Several people have asked how my kittens are doing, so here’s a quick update.  The girls are great.  They’ve grown so much, and they will be a year old next month.  They are incredibly sweet but very opposite one another. Lucy is very shy, and Edith has yet to meet a stranger.  Lucy is more subdued, whereas Edith is rambunctious.  

I want to thank all of you for your love, support and prayers this last week.  Also, I want to thank you for your many great suggestions.  I’ve looked into mos tod them and have been preparing application materials for them.  Many of you have sent personal emails, and I promise that I will answer them as soon as I can, hopefully, sometime this weekend.  I have largely been concentrating on getting out applications this week.  When I had my job, I mostly used my school laptop for work, but now I’m using mine which is Windows 8, instead of Windows 7 like the one at school.  Let me just say, Microsoft has to come up with something better than Windows 8.  It is absolutely the most frustrating operating system that I have ever dealt with.  I’m afraid the next version might be worse.  As for browsers, I love Google Chrome, but for some reason it just won’t work with my version of Windows 8, so I have to use internet explorer, which is so frustrating.  I do as much as I can on my iPad, but you cannot email multiple attachments in the same email.  If you can, I’ve yet to figure it out.

By the time I got to a stopping place yesterday, I had such a massive headache that I just went to bed.  If Macs were even remotely affordable, I might get one just to save on the headache of using Windows 8. Obviously, computer retailers know that Windows 7 is a superior operating system to Windows 8, because if you want a computer with Windows 7 instead of Windows 8, you almost end up paying twice as much.  I’ll get it figured out and get applications sent out.  I’ve already sent out about a dozen.  There are a few of them that I would really love to have, so I’m praying and keeping my fingers crossed.

You know, this time last week, I had been planning on writing book reviews for most of my posts this week.  The book reviews though have needed up,on the backburner for the time being.  Maybe I can write some this weekend, since I need to schedule posts for next week because my boyfriend is taking me to New Orleans.  And speaking of my boyfriend, he did something incredibly sweet last Saturday.  He took me to dinner at the restaurant on the mountain that we’d gone to during spring break.  He said that it had been a happy place for us, and he thought I needed a happy place.  I’m so lucky to have this wonderful man in my life.

P.S. Sorry about this ranting and rambling post.

All of this week, I have been applying for jobs. In academia, it’s all about the curriculum vitae, and in the rest of the world it’s more about the cover letter and resume. Therefore, I’ve had to retool my job application material. Sometimes that means turning my CV into a resume or retooling my CV for a specific job. The same goes for the cover letter. As a marketing friend of mine would say, I’m having to brand myself and create an image of not just who I am, but I also have to create an image, while being completely honest, of the person that someone will want to hire. This takes a lot of self searching on my part. I’m having to examine who I am and what direction I want my life to go.

When you look at yourself in a mirror, what you see depends on the quality of that mirror. Similarly, our mental images of ourselves help determine how we react to daily highs and lows of life. If we think of ourselves as worthwhile and valued, that quality will come across to other people. Molded by both internal and external forces, our self-image makes a huge difference in how we feel and act. Self-image is both a conscious and subconscious way of seeing ourselves. It is the emotional judgment we make about our self-worth. We form our self-image through interaction with others, taking into account their reactions to us and the ways they categorize us. Their responses are affected by their own distortions in worldview, however, so we don’t always get an accurate reflection of ourselves.

In the job search process, I’ve had to think a lot about how I would describe myself to a stranger. My answer largely depends on my mental image of myself. There is a problem with this. First, I think about how I am a very good historian and teacher. I know my material, and I know how to present it in an interesting way. (If I didn’t have a track record of this, would you still be reading this blog?). This is the side of me that I have to present to a potential employer.

However, the loss of my job has greatly damaged my self confidence. If I were so good, then why did the school decide not to renew my contract? From talking to several people, I’m pretty sure I know why, but the question is: why me? There were some teachers who constantly were stirring up trouble, and teachers who barely taught at all, in fact were barely in their classroom. I was always in my classroom, and I refused to get involved in the petty bickering. Yet, I lost my job. This does not help ones self confidence. However, I have to find my self confidence when applying for jobs.

We can’t help but compare ourselves with others, much as we might try not to. We usually compare ourselves against the expectations of friends and family. Often society gives us roles and expectations, such as having a successful career or being a good husband. This contributes to how we see ourselves. This becomes even more complicated as a closeted gay man. We have ways that we are expected to be perceived. We assess ourselves continually.

A positive self-image leads to confidence and self-acceptance. A negative self-image leads to a sense of inferiority and even depression. Those who develop a mature and realistic self-image will not come undone by every critical comment. This is especially difficult when you’re on a job hunt. Some jobs, you may know are long shots; others, you think should be a sure thing (or at least you should warrant an interview). Then you submit application after application and you get rejection after rejection, or even worse, silence. This job hunt has just begun, and I thank all of you for your suggestions. However, I’ve been on the job hunt for a permanent position in higher education for nearly seven years, so the job hunt isn’t something new. This time though, I don’t have the luxury of having a job while applying for positions that I find ideal. I’m branching out and looking at non-teaching positions, and the thing is, this may have been what I’ve needed to do all along.

I’m taking a good look at myself, and doing my best to remain positive about what I see. Trust me, it’s not always easy at times to be optimistic, and I have had a fair number of pessimistic moments this week. I will hold my head up high and continue the search.

For the past five years, I have not really been happy.  I love teaching, but their were aspects of my job that I was really not happy with.  I was constantly frustrated with the students and their lack of ambition, and I think some of that had worn off on me.  I’d looked for other jobs, but if I am going to be truthful with myself, it was only a half-hearted effort.  I was comfortable with my job, even if I was unhappy.  Losing my job has lit a fire in me to search for better employment, employment that will be fulfilling, and employment that I can be proud of.  I am going to continue looking into teaching positions, but I am also turning to the museum sector and other areas where my degrees will be useful.  Maybe it is time for a new path.  Many of the museum jobs require a degree in history, and I have also had some training in public history.  Museums often look for someone who can be an educational resource, so they often look for someone who has educational experience.  It’s a small glimmer of hope, but you can’t get a job if you don’t apply, so I am applying to as many places as I can.  If anyone has any suggestions or can offer any assistance in this endeavor, I’d be greatly appreciative.

If you’ve ever lost your job suddenly and without any type of prior warning, you probably know the emotional roller coaster that I have been going through the past few days: shock, anger, hopelessness, disappointment, but also hope for better things to come.  (By the way, I’m almost certain that I was let go so that they could make room for the new football coach. If that is the case, I am better off not being at a school that puts athletics so far above academics.) My post yesterday was about that hope, and I’m clinging to that for dear life.  I refuse to let depression overtake me again, and I will be more proactive in my life circumstances.  I’m going to make this a positive experience, even though my heart hurts right now with the feelings of betrayal from a school I’d poured my heart and soul into making a better place.

As Gloria Gaynor famously sang:

Do you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die?

No, not I, I will survive
Long as I know how to love
I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
And all my love to give and I’ll survive
I will survive

It may be taking all my strength not to fall apart, but I will survive.  I want to thank all of you for your love, support, and words of encouragement during this period of tribulation.

It’s easy to get bogged down in my own self pity and forget that today is Memorial Day and what it actually means but this day signifies so much that is important to the freedoms we have in this country and the freedoms we strive to expand upon.  Memorial Day is a solemn day of remembrance for everyone who has died serving in the American armed forces. The holiday, originally known as Decoration Day, started after the Civil War to honor the Union and Confederate dead.  

On this Memorial Day, I want us not only to remember the men and women who have died, but to especially remember those gay, lesbian, and bisexual veterans who died serving in silence in the times before the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  They served and died for a country that denied them their own freedoms, many in hope that one day their sacrifice would lead to greater freedoms in America.  Most of those gay, lesbian, and bisexual service men and women would be shocked to know that not only can gay people serve openly in the military but that they can be married to someone of the same sex and receive spousal benefits, or that the majority of states allow same-sex marriage and that we seem to be on the verge of it becoming legal nationwide. We cannot let their sacrifices be in vain, and we must continue the fight for a better and more free America.

 
As I was lying in bed waiting for boyfriend to join me, I was trying to figure out what to write, and I finally decided I had no idea what to write.  Then my boyfriend came to bed, I completely lost interest in writing a blog post.  So please excuse me.  I was a little bit busy last night.

Do y’all remember the “spot the difference” game that was always in children’s magazines?  I posted the top picture as a Moment of Zen post a couple of weeks ago.  I had no idea until I saw it on Wicked Gay Blog that there was a nearly identical picture but sans underwear.  If there are more in the set, I’d love to see them.

So here is my challenge to all of you: what are the differences in the two pictures?  Study them closely.  I’ll give you two hints: underwear (duh) and he seems to have lost his underwear between drinking the first and second cups of coffee.  Quite honestly, I’m not for sure there are many other differences, but isn’t it fun to stare at these two pictures?